The group laughed loudly. Her parents went next, telling stories about Reagan, most of them including me, and the mischief we got into. Then my parents spoke, and much to my surprise, even my brothers had gone on to say something.
At one point, Amelia had interlocked her hand with mine, letting me know she was there for me. I rested my head on her shoulder, unable to express how much she had come to mean to me.
When all was said and done, there was only one this left to do. We walked over to where the purple balloons were secured to a tree stump. Her father did the honors of handing each of us a small bunch. Everyone seemed to go their own way, each wanting a private moment to say their good-byes.
I walked over toward where the car had fallen over. Owen’s hand turned white as I held it in a death grip. I stood there for several minutes, until I saw some of the balloons already floating up into the sky.
“I don’t even know where to start, Rae,” I whispered under my breath. “I miss you so much that my heart aches. It isn’t fair. You still had so much to see, so much to do, and so many more lives to touch.” I paused, taking a shaky breath. “I wished I could go back and prevent this from happening. But I can’t.”
I wasn’t sure if I could do this yet. I wasn’t ready to say good-bye. “Goddamn it, Rae.” I released a frustrated groan. “Why does it hurt so much? I wish you were here to take the pain away. To tell me that everything will be okay. That it’ll all work out in its own time.”
I released a soft sob. Owen wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against his chest. My chest heaved as I struggled to calm myself down. “Shh . . .” he whispered. “It’s okay . . . just take your time.”
I cried a little longer. There was so much I wanted to say, but I couldn’t find the words to describe how I was feeling. Because I felt everything. My body felt like it was about to give out on me. I was losing it.
I focused on the sound of Owen’s beating heart. After a few minutes, it started to work. When my cries turned into silent tears, I looked up at Owen. He placed a gentle kiss on my lips, and then nodded. It was time.
I let go of him, walking as close to the edge as I dared.
“I love you, Reagan. Always and forever.” My voice was shaky as I recited the mantra we always said to one another. Always and forever. It was our motto. Our way of saying that no matter what—we’d always be there . . . forever. One way or another.
I held my hand up in the sky, removing one finger off the ribbons that dangled from the group of balloons, until I no longer had a hold on them.
“This one’s for you, Rae,” I whispered softly. “Always and forever.”
I watched as the purple balloons danced in the sky.
Carrying my promise with them.
The End
THIS ISN’T GOOD-BYE
HOW DOES ONE COPE with a loss? How do you keep moving forward?
If Mirranda were here, she’d tell you how. She would remind us that life is short and that we have to keep moving forward, whether we want to or not. She’d tell us that we shouldn’t be mourning, but celebrating life. Then she’d tell us that it’s okay to cry, offer her shoulder to cry on, and then tell a joke to bring a smile to your face.
You see, when I first met Mandy, it was in the seventh grade (she was in 6th grade). There were only a few months left in the year, but she made it such an amazing transition for me. That’s just how she was. She was crazy, spunky, beautiful, and didn’t care what people thought. She was one in a million. I didn’t realize then the impact she would have in my life.
As we got older, our friendship grew. We were changing, growing up, but one thing that always remained was the bond that we shared. We got ready for her first homecoming together, we encouraged each other to do our best, and we were always there. From driving around in that yellow truck of hers to getting cheeseburgers with Mac sauce, to going on a crazy adventure. It was us against the world.
We made plans to get an apartment together, even looked at a few, and she held my hand and told me it would be okay when I learned I was pregnant at the age of 18. That’s just how she was. She accepted me for all my faults—which there’s a lot—and not once did she ever judge me. Not once did she put me down. She loved with everything she had. She gave it her all. Mandy wasn’t the kind of person who was vindictive and made life hell. She was kind, caring, funny, and ready to drop anything when you needed her to. She was selfless, talented, and beautiful in more ways than one. She left a mark wherever she went. No one could forget her or that bright smile of hers.
She took every precaution in life but also lived it to the fullest. She didn’t let anything or anyone hold her back or tell her she couldn’t do it. When she wanted to shave her head or put purple in it—she did it. And she didn’t care what people might say. She took risks but she also held her heart close. She loved too much and smiled even more.
She had a way to make everyone feel accepted. Her laughter was contagious. Her smile infectious. She wore her heart on her sleeve. She expressed her emotions and never held them back. She was the most genuine, kindhearted soul I have ever encountered in my life. Her big eyes were always warm and inviting. And I could never help but to feel happy in her presence. She just had that kind of aura, the one that brought out the best in everyone, and is nothing short of a blessing.
There is so much to say about the kind of person Mirranda was and how she lived. None of it negative. She might be gone but certainly not forgotten. I know she is smiling up there at each and every one of us. I will never forget the impact that she has made or the mark on my heart she has left behind. It is a great loss but it would’ve been an even greater loss not to know her.
This isn’t good-bye . . . only a see you later.
I love you always, Mirr Mirr. Always and forever.
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