I swallow hard, staring at the pink clouds. “How long do I have to hit my quotas?”
He shrugs. “Based on what’s happened to others, I’d say you have another earth month. Maybe less.”
Fuck.
I nod numbly. If this doesn’t work, that’s it. Game over. I’ll cease to exist. This is my last chance.
“Will you put me back into the human realm where I was?” I ask quietly.
“Aye.”
“Sorry to rush, but we’re on a very tight time constraint,” the angel says from her spot. “We have to keep the line moving.”
“No problem, dove,” Sev says with a devastating grin that makes her blush again. He turns back to me. “Right, so since this hasn’t actually been done before, I really can’t tell you what to expect. Ready?”
I blow out a breath. “Umm...yes?”
He arches a brow. “You sure?”
I hold up my hand and tilt it back and forth. “I’m...about half sure.”
He lifts a shoulder. “Eh. Good enough for me. How about you?”
“I’m gonna go for it and hope for the best.”
“That’s the spirit, luv. Four weeks and counting. We don’t want you gettin’ popped.”
“This is gonna work,” I say, trying to convince myself as I hover-hop from side-to-side like I’m gearing myself up. “I’m ready.”
Without giving myself time to chicken out, I lock eyes on the churning cotton candy mist, and then with a warrior cry that would give Braveheart goosebumps, I divebomb my ethereal ass right into it.
I’m swallowed up instantly, and the cupidity essence envelops my entire being.
It’s disorienting, and the mist is so thick that I can’t even see the outline of my ghostly form as I’m stuck in its swirling pink depths.
But I feel nothing.
No inspiring crackles of sensation. Nothing like an omniscient hug that lets me know my cupidity is getting put right this time.
One second, I’m in the thick of the cloud, waiting on tenterhooks for some kind of sign to let me know something is happening, and the next, the archway pushes me out like an ex-boyfriend getting tossed out the door, and it’s over.
I blink to clear my eyes from the pink haze, finding myself out of the archway and directly in front of a portal that will take me back to my post. The effervescent doorway is spinning like a drunk dude’s ceiling. Sev is sitting right beside it, waiting. He jumps to his feet when he sees me.
“Well, shite on a piss hill, you’re back. You were in there for fooking hours,” he says, shocking the hell out of me. It felt like seconds. “Well? How do you feel?”
I look down at myself, feeling absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. “I feel...the same.”
Disappointment flashes across his features. “Huh. That’s a yawner. Lemme see some Lust, then.”
I let out the biggest exhale I can and...nothing. Not even the embarrassing mustard yuck from earlier.
I want to cry.
I look down at the shiny floor, trying not to completely fall apart in front of my supervisor. “Maybe it just takes some time to kick in?”
“Yeah, maybe,” he says doubtfully.
Who am I kidding? It didn’t work. I’m still the dud I was before. I’m a cupid who can’t cupid. It’s completely devastating.
My chin wobbles. “It didn’t work,” I whisper, my words belying my heartbreak. “Being a cupid feels so meant to be, but it’s not. Why won’t it work on me?” I ask miserably.
He must see the sorrow shining in my eyes, because his face softens. “Alright, luv. Let’s get you back to processing, yeah? You can be a lovely lady luck or some shite. I’m sure you’ll learn to like it.”
He’s right. There’s nothing else to do except choose a different afterlife job. But it kills me, like an arrow through the heart. It hurts so much that I can actually feel the anguish piercing my chest.
Wait a minute…
That really fricken hurts.
My mouth drops open in alarm, and my hand flies up over my heart. “Ouch!” I cry out as Sev looks at me like, what the fook is happening?
I stumble forward as pain suddenly consumes me. Pain that I shouldn’t feel, because I’m not supposed to feel anything in this form.
What. The. Actual. Cupid. Fuck.
Sev’s eyes widen as my back suddenly cracks with bone-splicing agony, and a blood-curdling scream rips out of my throat as my red wings rip from my back and disappear in a puff of pink mist.
Something went very, very wrong.
More pain slices through me, and this time when I stumble, it’s head-first into the spinning portal.
The last thing I see is Sev’s face grimacing on my behalf.
And then I’m gone, and pain is all I know.
Chapter 5
I’ve been yanked in and out of Cupidville a dozen times as a cupid. It’s not pleasant, but it doesn’t really hurt. It’s just uncomfortable.
But you know what definitely does hurt? Being shoved out of the fifth dimensional continuum while simultaneously having your wings be bitch-slapped out of your back. That shit stings like a motherfucker.
I’d never known pain until now as my wings are yanked from my body and my incorporeal self suddenly turns solid.
Oh, and to add to this lovely physical rush? I’m also falling. Like, through space or some shit.
My bones pop, my skin prickles, blood rushes through my veins, and my heart kickstarts. My lungs thrust out with air I’ve never breathed before, and my eyes burn until I realize I need to blink. My tongue is suddenly dry, my boobs are heavy, and my ass jiggles as I plummet into existence.
I land so hard that my teeth clack together with enough force that I’m sure I nearly crack one. I fall ass-first onto a hard marble floor and fuck—that is not a nice landing.
My tailbone shoots with pain at the impact, and I groan while trying to blink away the stars and the tears. At least the rest of the agonizing pain stopped tearing through me.
“Bitchtit cockshit,” I groan. “That fricken hurt!” I yell at the long-gone portal that just spat me out.
I clutch my head with my hands and bring my knees up against my chest. My body feels so incredibly heavy, but my mind? My mind is floating around like a kite, because I have no idea what the fuck just happened.
When I’m finally past the pain enough to see again, I look down at my body.
I’m completely naked. No more cute teal dress for me. Looking over my back, I confirm that my wings are definitely gone, although I still have my pink hair and my cupid number marked on my arm.
I yelp when a puff of pink smoke erupts in front of me, and then Sev appears.
He waves a hand in front of his face to dissipate the cupidity Veil pollution while I blink at him in surprise, trying to get my racing heart to slow down.
“Alright, Triple X?” he asks as he kneels in front of me. Sev is just as solid as I am, but unlike me, he still has cupid wings and his quiver full of Love Arrows and his bow.
I’m shaking slightly, probably from shock, but I nod. “I think so…”
His eyes skim over me, first with concern and then with a bit of lustful appreciation. “You got a right nice rack, luv.”
I glance down at my perky boobies. I mean...he’s not wrong.
“Thanks. What happened?”
“Dunno,” he says with a shrug. “But I can’t stay long. Just wanted to make sure you’re okay. Apparently, puttin’ you through the arch again probably wasn’t the best idea. You turned a bit human.”
“A bit?” I squeak. “What does that mean?”
He grimaces slightly. “Well, you’re technically still a cupid. Which means you’re still on a timer to get your quotas in. But you got a little humanized.”
My mouth hangs open. This can’t be happening. “But...you’re here and you’re solid,” I point out.
“Supervisor perks, luv. I can travel to any realm in all my physical glory,” he says with a wink.
“Don’t get all dafty on me now,” he tells me. “Take a breather, and let’s see if this helped, yeah? Lemme see some Lust again.”
I nod, though I feel like I’m nodding way too quickly. My neck feels weird. Also my head. My fingers are tingling. “Am I having an anxiety attack?”
He shrugs. “Fook if I know. Calm that shite down, get it? Blow some Lust at me.”
I force myself to relax by taking a deep breath and closing my mind. I also sit up straighter and try doing that power pose thing, because why not? I’m a kickass, powerful cupid, I tell myself. Everything is going to be fine. This probably totally fixed my powers.
Opening my eyes again, I let out a perfectly executed exhale of Lust.
Aaaannnnnd it’s gray. It even squeaks a little as it falls to the ground like it’s dead weight.
Correction, I am not a kickass, powerful cupid. I’m a pathetic powerless cupid-human who clearly sucks ass at power poses.
“Son of a chaos cunt,” I curse. “It’s even worse than before!”
“Bad luck, that.”
I sigh. “Fine. I guess I should go through processing again? Pick a new job?”
I hate the thought of it, but maybe the realm is trying to tell me to give up.
Sev runs a hand through his pink hair. “Yeah, about that. You’re right stuck here, luv.”
I blink at him as another wave of panic sends new tingles down my limbs. This can not be happening.
“Put me back in the Veil!” I say in alarm.
“I tried,” he says, giving me a commiserating pat on the shoulder. “I tried to suck you back to Cupidville right away, but it wouldn’t work.”
“So let me get this straight,” I say, mind spinning. “I’m stuck here, as a cupid-human, my powers still don’t work, and I have to make my quotas, or I’m definitely still gonna be popped?”
“That’s the gist, yeah.”
Well...fuck.
The cupid number DCCXX on his wrist starts glowing pink, and we both glance down at it. “Shite on a nipple ring. I gotta go.”
My eyes widen in panic, and I snatch at his arm. “You can’t just leave me here!”
He none-too-gently pries my death grip off him. “Duty calls and all that,” he tells me.
“What in the hell am I supposed to do?” I whisper-shriek.
He lifts a shoulder. “Try to make Matches while you’re here. Cupid shite up. With a bit o’ luck, the Veil will sense your cupidity and let you come back into the Veil without popping you into extinction first. That’s the best we can hope for. I got a team looking into it, but that’s all I know for now.”
I bury my face in my hands. “I should’ve become a demon. Demon’s never have to deal with shit like this.”
He tsks. “Where’s all that I’ve fooking got unfinished business and I’m a cupid through and through?” he teases.
I glare at him between my fingers before dropping my hands. “I’m stuck in the physical human realm with no powers or wings, and I have to somehow make my Lust and Love Matches in a month to meet my quota, or the Veil is gonna suck me down faster than a kid slurping an Icee to get a brain freeze, and I’m fricken naked!”
He sobers. “Look, Triple X,” he says, leveling me with a look. “You said it yourself, you’re a fooking cupid. It’s in your godsdamned core. Who the shite cares if you don’t got powers? You didn’t have ’em before, and you didn’t let that stop you,” he tells me, and my breath catches at the determined look on his face, because damn. He’s actually nailing this pep talk. “At least now you have a chance to make Love Matches the ol’ fashioned way. Be a fooking matchmaker love guru and handle your shite. No giving up, get it?”
I swallow hard and nod. “You’re right.”
“Damn right, I’m fooking right,” he says. “Now I gotta go. I already missed my orgy.”
“Sorry.”
“Eh, I’ll reschedule. In the meantime, I’ll keep an eye on you from the Veil, and you focus on doing your job, get it?”
“I will.”
He nods and then disappears in the blink of an eye, leaving a small puff of pink in his wake.
And I’m just left here. Alone. Partly humanized. Powerless. Naked.
Just fricken great.
Chapter 6
I take a second to compose myself.
I’m here, out of the Veil, mostly human.
It’s surreal and terrifying, but I can’t think that way. I can’t just dissolve into a puddle of panic and wait until I go pop.
I’m a glass half-full kinda girl, so it’s time I chug that shit down.
Despite the fact that I have a ticking clock, I’m actually alive again. So instead of shaking in a corner and freaking out, I’m going to make the most of this. I have to.
I straighten myself up, totally nailing the power pose this time.
Now that I’ve successfully tamped down my panic, I finally take a moment to look down.
The marble tile I’m sitting on is black with veins of white running through it. It looks expensive and vaguely familiar. But I get caught up in the reflection I now have, visible in the floor’s shiny surface. I can’t see that much of what I look like, but I can tell that my pink twirled hair still looks on point, so I’m gonna take that as a win. I need all of those I can get.
I run my fingers down my tanned legs, feeling the soft, smooth texture of my skin. It’s so strange—to have sensation on the pads of my fingertips, while also feeling my own touch along my legs. I like it so much that I start feeling myself all over. Toes, foot arches, belly, arms, boobs.
I find it particularly fascinating how my nipples pebble when I run my fingers over them. “Huh. They really just pop right out there, don’t they?” I mutter.
“Umm, why the fuck is some naked chick feeling herself up in your office?”
I scream in surprise and scramble back, my head whipping around at the sound of the man’s voice.
It takes about two seconds for my brain to register that I landed in Warren fricken Knight’s office. Buck ass naked. And he can see me.
No wonder the marble looked familiar. If I would’ve stopped petting myself long enough to actually look around, I would’ve noticed his mahogany desk that I’ve perched on many a time and the floor-to-ceiling windows I’ve often looked out of. I would’ve recognized the black and white photo of a pier on his wall and his accolades framed behind his computer.
I stare over in horror at Warren and his business associate, Mr. H-something-or-other, standing in the doorway, gaping at me in their suits.
Warren looks all hot and serious, with his black hair swept to the side and sexy stubble on his jaw. Mr. H is blonde, attractive, probably in his early thirties, and has a boyish face that is currently lit up with glee.
“So...you can definitely see me?” I ask, just because I feel it’s necessary to double check.
“Oh, we can see you, alright,” Mr. H-man says with a growing smirk.
“Fricken archway,” I mumble.
“What’s that?” Mr. H-nosy asks.
“Nothing,” I mumble.
Between the two men, they have at least eighteen articles of clothing on them combined, which hardly seems fair since I have exactly zero.
I scramble to my feet, but I’m not used to moving in a solid body, so I eat shit immediately. I end up sprawled on the cold marble floor like a flailing starfish, ass cheeks jiggling for all to see.
“For fuck’s sake.”
One second, I hear Warren muttering under his breath, and the next, I’m being hauled to my feet. I look up at him, eyes wide, as he scowls down at me.
“How did you get in here?”
I wince. “Oh, man. You’re using your mean voice. I hate that one.”
His brown eyes narrow. “Who are you?”
“Thirty,
” I blurt out.
He rolls his eyes. “I didn’t ask how fucking old you are. I asked for your name and how the hell you got in here.”
“You look real good for thirty, ma’am,” Mr. H-something interjects behind me.
“Thanks?”
“Not helping,” Warren snaps at him.
Mr. H shrugs. “Just saying.”
Warren makes a noise of frustration deep in his chest. He still hasn’t taken his hands off my arms. It’s a tight hold, but honestly, I’m thankful, because he’s basically holding me upright. There’s a good chance I’d go full starfish-mode again if he lets go.
“Name?” Warren demands again.
“Uh…” I quickly wrack my brain, but even after weeks of flying around the city full of humans, I can’t think of a single name. The only words popping into my brain are cupidity-inspired. Like crush, orgasm, chocolates, erections, love, doggy-style, that sort of thing. I don’t think those will work.
“Come on,” Mr. H-goodcop says. “Better tell him, Miss...”
Warren is looking at me like he’s about to toss me out of his office window, so he’s obviously the bad cop. I panic. “Miss uh...Valentine?”
“Miss Valentine,” Warren sneers.
I’m momentarily distracted from his anger, because his breath smells fantastic. I’m not exactly sure what it smells like, since I’m smelling things for the first time, but whatever it is makes a weird sensation happen around my tongue, and saliva rushes in. I barely stop myself from letting a little drool slip out.
Nice.
I have to make an embarrassing sucking sound to keep said drool safely in my mouth.
Warren does not look impressed with me.
“Care to tell me your first name, Miss Valentine?” he asks through clenched teeth.
Wow. He’s really mad.
He’s still holding onto me, and his touch is having its own effect, because my skin has heated up where his hands are gripping me, but I also shiver for some reason when I feel his breath against my face. Having a body apparently means that you can be assaulted by countless senses at once. And yeah, he’s holding me firmly, but it’s a nice firm. Like he’s strong enough to hold me up, but gentle enough not to hurt.
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