by Betsy Anne
* * *
Katie
“Oh, I feel so badly for her! You know she’s going to kill us,” I say to Colleen as I walk down the stairs after pouring poor Melanie into bed. She’s hammered, and it’s our fault. Colleen and I wanted her to enjoy herself, so we had the bartender put water in our shot glasses every time. No way I could have kept up, and Coll didn’t want to get drunk either. This was Mel’s night out. I just couldn’t let her do that with some stranger knowing that she wasn’t in her right mind and I could be held to blame.
“Maybe we don’t need to tell her? We could always fake a good hangover,” Colleen says as she is pouring each of us a little wine. It’s still relatively early, and we’re both too pumped to go to bed yet.
“My heart just breaks for her Coll. She’s been so depressed, it’s been hard to witness. She puts on a brave face, but inside she’s crushed. She really liked Caleb. She didn’t deserve what that bitch said to her in public. She just takes it when people treat her like shit, and I get frustrated because she’s a good person. I know there’s a great guy out there for her, somewhere, and it sure isn’t Mr. Flagpole from the bar. You should have seen him when he stood up. I could have hung a tire swing from the damn thing. He was furious too! It took everything I had not to crack up in there. He was screaming and his dick was bobbing up and down while poor Melanie was tangled in her clothes and couldn’t get her shirt back on. Where are all the decent guys?”
“You know, I have a friend who got divorced a couple of years ago. She was going through a similar situation trying to meet guys. Bars, blind dates, even church singles groups. She eventually went on one of those online dating websites, and she met someone. They’ve been dating for more than six months. Has Mel tried that?”
“I don’t know, Coll, I don’t think she would. I think she’s still too gun shy of meeting guys. She keeps saying that she’s not going to date for a really long time, but I know she’d love nothing more than to have someone in her life. What if we window-shopped a little for her? You know, get the ball rolling.”
I wiggle my eyebrows at Colleen as I let her know of my devious plan. She nods her head and retrieves her laptop from the desk. We pull up the major sites we’ve heard of, and look around a bit. We randomly opt for one, and set up her profile. Fortunately, I know enough about her to complete the profile info myself. I put in my email address, which she can change later, in case she freaks out on us. Plus, I want to see who they match her up with first. If it looks like it’s going to be a disaster, we won’t even tell her. Holy cow! There are so many in the Chicago area who fit her profile. Thumbnail pictures are loading fast.
“Do you see this, Coll? She’ll have to find someone. There are some cuties.”
“I feel guilty, Katie. This is an invasion of her privacy.”
“I know, but I hate how sad she is. I just want her to take a leap of faith and meet someone.”
Oh shit! We hear movement from upstairs. I slam the laptop shut so severely that Colleen winces. We scramble around to try to look like we were doing anything else but planning her life for her.
* * *
Melanie
My head is throbbing like hell this morning. I’m sure there’s a dump truck with an impression of my forehead on it somewhere in downtown Milwaukee. Katie’s not in the other twin bed like she should be, but it’s unmade so I assume she slept. I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth, but my stomach has a more unpleasant way to start my morning. I race to the toilet, but not much comes out. I would think that with how much we drank and ate yesterday, it wouldn’t be a problem to come up with something. My head throbs even more. I need coffee.
“Morning, sleepyhead!”
Bitch. Coll is her usually perky self this morning, which I normally find adorable. Right now, it’s about as appealing as an alley cat barfing in my lap.
“Ugh.”
That’s all they get. Katie’s at the table also looking wide-awake. What the heck? We all drank last night; I know it.
“OK, what the hell is wrong with you two? How are you not hung-over?”
“Well, you were the one who wanted to par-tay, so we helped a little!”
Oh God.
“What did the two of you do?" I ask as calmly as I can so my head won’t pound.
“Those shots were good, weren’t they, Katie?”
They both laugh.
“I don’t get it, we all had them!”
“I brought the shots every time; did you notice that, Mel? Water and tequila sure look alike; don’t they, Kat?”
They set me up. I know neither of them drink much, and I was surprised because we had a lot of shots. They’re both cracking up. I know I probably deserved it with my old-lady cracks. OK, so I’m not much of a partier. I admit it.
“All right, funny girls, joke’s on me. So, did we have fun?”
Uh-oh, they look at each other before they look back at me. That’s never a good sign.
“Well, I think one of us had a little more fun than the other two.”
They look at each other again, and crack up. Shit.
“Please, Kat, I’m super hung over and not in the mood. What the hell happened?”
“You don’t remember anything?”
“Not really, no. Did I smoke last night? My mouth tastes funny.”
More howls of laughter, hitting my cerebellum like a butcher knife. My head is going to explode.
“Oh God, Mel, I’m sorry,” Kat says as she wipes tears of laughter from her face. “Well, the guy whose tongue was down your throat could have been smoking. I would think that might leave a funny taste.”
“Oh no. Please tell me you’re joking, Kat. What happened?”
“Well, you were dancing pretty aggressively with this really hot guy. You broke up his dance with another woman. Essentially, you were dry humping each other on the dance floor. After a while, I guess his blue balls took over and he dragged you into a back room. Coll and I followed close behind, but we weren’t allowed in. She had to flirt and show cleavage to the bouncer while I sneaked in past the curtain. There was some crazy stuff going on back there.”
Oh no.
“There were couples and threesomes doing all kinds of sexual things in there. I couldn’t believe my eyes! I thought for sure it was just a VIP area for private bottle service. There were a few bottles being serviced, all right.”
She’s cracking herself up.
“He must be a regular in that place, because the two of you were in the nicest area with the most privacy. I got nervous when I couldn’t find you at first, it was so dark. I noticed your hair first. You and he were going to town pretty good. I’m sorry to have ruined your fun, but I know you better. I knew if you hadn’t been drunk there was no way you would have been doing that with a stranger. I couldn’t let it go on. Boy, was he pissed, and huge! I could have hung a beach towel off the darn thing. You really don’t remember any of it?”
“I remember being somewhere really dark. I thought I was just blacking out I guess. I should thank you for helping me out of what was a potentially dangerous situation, however, you two are the ones who put me there so you’re not getting any thanks from me. I’m guessing the two of you feel perfectly fine this morning?”
They both nod a bit sheepishly. Good. Let them be ashamed.
“Then y’all are buying me breakfast. If I throw it up, you’ll buy me another one. Get dressed, you bitches.”
“Deal. We love you, Mel. We’re both so sorry,” Kat says as she gives me a big hug, then Colleen joins in.
“Hurry! I need food!”
* * *
“Oh my gosh, that hit the spot.”
I didn’t think I’d be able to keep anything down at first, but then my appetite kicked in. Thank goodness, it really helped my hangover to have some nutrition. Even pancakes, bacon and home fries on the side, count as nutrition when you’re hungover. Best breakfast I’ve had in a long time. I had forgotten just how good carbs taste.
&nbs
p; Katie’s has been acting strangely since we got here. She’s checked her phone five times during breakfast, and she never checks her phone. She’s not exactly a technophile. She complains every time she has to respond to a text. Something’s definitely up because she and Colleen have traded looks each time she’s checked it.
“What now? Why do you keep checking your phone, Kat? You better tell me the truth. That’s the least you can do after last night.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“Don’t play dumb, Kat, it doesn’t suit you. You keep getting some kind of message, and you and Coll keep giving each other weird looks. That’s not like you. What gives?”
I probably sound a lot more pissed than I feel, I’m just so worn out. I love these two, but they’re up to something.
“Kat, you may as well tell her. We’re in the doghouse already.” Colleen says to Kat, and she’s shaking her head nervously. Kat doesn’t want to tell me, whatever it is. She gives me a weird, all-teeth smile, like a little kid who doesn’t want to get into to trouble but knows he’s busted. She takes my hands in hers. This is not a good sign.
“Mel, you know I love you with all my heart, right? Please know we only did this with your best interest in mind.”
“Ha! Like last night? God help me, with friends like you two.” I laugh so she knows I’m being sarcastic. “Out with it. Did you sign me up for the Navy?”
She’s not smiling anymore.
“No. An online dating service.”
“Katie, are you serious? I’d rather be in the fucking Navy!”
I draw the attention of people around us, nice families trying to have a quiet breakfast. They don’t need to hear what I’m going to say next. I get up and head toward the door. Colleen and Katie are swift on my tail after throwing cash on the table for our bill. I can’t believe they did that. Katie knows I want nothing to do with men right know, especially ones desperate to find a wife. No, thanks. We get to Colleen’s car and I hop in the back. I’m quiet as a mouse when they get in. She doesn’t start the car; we just sit in silence for a while. Kat speaks first.
“I’ll delete it immediately, Mel. As soon as we get back to Colleen’s house, I’ll do it. I know I crossed the line, and Colleen even told me so, but it breaks my heart seeing you so sad. I want you to have love and happiness in your life apart from your kids. You’re too young to throw that chance away.”
She starts crying. I’m really not that mad about it, but I’ll let her think that to get back at them for last night. I know it can be deleted, so no harm, no foul. Katie is such a softie; I know she has my best interest at heart. Colleen starts up the car and I let them stew all the way back to her house. Poor Katie sobs the entire ride. I start to feel a bit guilty, but we get there before I say anything. She throws her arms around me when we get out of the car.
“Please forgive me, Mel, I’m so sorry! I haven’t told you, but I’ve had two more dreams about you and that mystery man. They’re so vivid, it’s been driving me crazy. I know he’s out there, somewhere, waiting to find you.”
I roll my eyes and grab her hand to lead her into the house. She’s probably dehydrated from all her tears by now. Coll and I plop down in the living room while Katie goes to get the laptop.
“I’m deleting it right now, Mel. You can watch.”
We squeeze together on the couch so we can all see the screen. Kat pulls up the site - at least she chose a classy one - and she logs in. My profile pops up. I don’t know where she got that picture of me, but it’s a good one. Looks like I’m in her backyard, maybe last summer. The inbox for my account is at the top of the screen near my picture. Twenty-five messages already? I stop her in her tracks.
“Wait, wait, wait, Kat. Can I at least see my messages?”
She looks encouraged.
“That’s why I was checking my phone! I kept getting notification of new activity.”
Her crying has been replaced by a megawatt smile.
“Please just read them, Mel, you never know.”
“Pass it over,” I say, much less enthusiastically.
She practically throws the laptop at me.
“All right, let’s see which serial killers want to date me.”
Kat punches me on the arm, and they watch as I scroll through each profile. Looks like most of the guys are decent. Only a couple have been married before and only one has children. I’m at the top of the younger age range, when a lot of guys are starting to settle down. I guess that’s good. I have enough baggage for the both of us, and sure don’t need another crazy ex-wife in my life. One will do. I send a reply back to Kyle. Never married, thirty-four, and enjoys traveling and movies. Seems harmless enough. Besides, his picture looks like he cut it out of a magazine. He’s probably five-two, three hundred fifty pounds. It says he’s six-two, one ninety-five.
He replies right back, and wants to meet the following weekend for lunch. I look at the girls; they look like a pair of bobble heads nodding vigorously, so I say OK. Date set.
“Are y’all happy now? Get off my back now, OK? If online dating doesn’t work, I’m going into a convent when Luke graduates from college.”
I close the laptop and hand it back to Colleen. What am I getting into?
Chapter 10
Nightmare. Total freaking nightmare.
The guy, Kyle, who looked so great online and seemed way too good to be true, was. We met at a downtown spot on Michigan Avenue for lunch. I arrived a little late, intentionally, hoping he would already be seated and I could good get a look before he saw me. I did, and he looked even better than his picture. He was really hot. He smiled and rose from the table as the hostess led me to him. I was already suspicious. Why does he look like that but have to get dates online? Never judge a book, I guess. We chatted seamlessly at first. He’s originally from Iowa, has two sisters and loves animals. He dutifully asked all the right questions as well.
Once our meals arrived, that’s when it turned weird. He got the fish, and asked me to cut it for him. I thought for certain he was joking, so I played along and cut it into little bites. Over the course of the meal, he asked a lot of questions about my kids. Not about them personally, but what it was like to give birth and to nurse them. That’s when he ordered a glass of milk, and asked me to help him drink it. Once again I played along, being that we were in a crowded restaurant and all I wanted to do was run for the hills, I didn’t want to make a scene. He licked the milk dribbles off his lips and whispered,
“I would love to taste your milk. Does it still come to you?”
He was deadly serious. He had a lustful look in his eyes while staring down at my cleavage. Most men might steal a glance, but he looked like he wanted to devour me. I was struck mute; I had no idea what to say. I sat stock still praying that at any moment he would exclaim, “Just kidding!” and I could dump him for a bad sense of humor instead of being a sick weirdo with a baby/mommy fetish. At least I found out early instead of six months down the road when he might ask me to change his diaper. He was gawking at me, licking his lips no less and waiting for my answer. I stood up, carefully placed my napkin on the table and leaned in close to his ear.
“I’m sure there are plenty of other websites where you can find women who enjoy your same interests. Do us all a favor and stay away from the dating sites. Thank you for giving me a great story to share with my friends and at cocktail parties for years to come.”
Oh, I was planning on sharing my story all right, with Kat, in person. She got me into this, she’s going to hear about it.
* * *
“No. He. Didn’t.”
“Oh, yes, he did, my dear friend. He looked like he was ready to be fed, burped and changed right there in the restaurant. My own fault really, I was wearing a low cut blouse and it was lunchtime.”
We have a good hearty laugh over it. I’d love to be able to blame her, or anyone else in the world, for that nightmare but I chose freely to do it. First thing I do is to delete my account
. I know there are plenty of people who meet and fall in love that way, but that incident put me off permanently. He should have been in the online classifieds seeking a mommy instead. Too good to be true usually is.
Poor Katie looks so defeated. I know she was hoping that it would work for me, but the emotional preparation it took for me to go on that date was exhausting. I just can’t go through that time after time praying that the next one won’t be a freak, too.
Now that I’ve been alone for a while, I’ve come to terms with some things. First is the knowledge that I’m OK on my own. Kicking Chris out was the greatest thing I’ve ever done for myself. He brought me down as a person, and no one should ever live life in that type of environment. It crushes your soul. Second, I realized Caleb was probably just a rebound. He was such a great guy, but I think I was trying too hard to make something work. There were a lot of unanswered questions with him. Though he seemed upfront about everything, I have a feeling something was lurking under the surface. Why else would he have given up on us so easily?
Yup, I’m wiser, without much to show for it.
* * *
Three months later
“I think I have the answer to your problems.”
It’s never a good sign when Katie begins a conversation like that.
“OK, which problem now, and how are you going to solve it?” I ask over my shoulder to her. We had just come in from a long walk, and I go to the fridge for some water. I hate to break her heart, so I don’t want her to see the look on my face after I hear what harebrained scheme she’s cooked up this time. She hasn’t said much lately about hooking me up with anyone, so I assume that’s where she’s going.
“Well, I know how frustrated you’ve been looking for work. Finding something part-time and fulfilling is tough, and the urgency isn’t there because you don’t need the money, right?”
“Yeah, it’s been hard. Most employers I’ve talked to think I’m just a bored housewife. I worked hard for my degree. Life handed me other plans, no complaints, but I didn’t lose my brain along the way. I was at the top of my class in business school.”