by Tami Hoag
The same scene played over and over in her head. An endless loop of filthy pornography. No matter if her eyes were open or closed, the movie played through her mind as if she had been a witness instead of a participant. No matter how disgusted it made her, she couldn’t look away.
She saw Greg Hewitt naked. She saw herself naked. She had drunk just enough to shave the edge off her distaste. He had drunk just enough to sharpen his appetite.
He closed his hands around her small breasts and kneaded them. He rolled her nipples between his fingertips, pinching so hard she cried out. He caught the sound with his mouth and filled her mouth with his tongue. He trailed his lips down her body, spread her legs wide and devoured her like a starving man at a banquet.
Her body betrayed her, reacting to his actions, growing hot and wet. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been touched. She was disgusted and ashamed and aroused all at once. And when he thrust himself into her, she felt a hot rush.
She could hear him moan, see the look of rapture on his face as he moved in and out of her hard and fast. She could feel the weight of him on top of her. She could feel the muscles of his back flex beneath her hands. She could feel the heat of him, smell his sweat.
He pulled out of her, his erection gleaming wet in the light of the lamp on the motel nightstand. As Lauren watched herself take him into her mouth, she almost gagged, remembering the feeling, remembering the taste, remembering the look on his face.
Determined to put a stop to the memory and the feelings it evoked in her body, she got back in the shower, blasting herself in the face with ice-cold water. She washed herself again, standing under the water until she was shivering uncontrollably, and she could think of nothing but getting dry and pouring a drink.
She kept her mind on each immediate task at hand—drying off, combing her hair and slicking it back; choosing underwear, putting it on; choosing pants and a top, getting dressed; going down the stairs and through the house to get to the kitchen; selecting a glass from the cupboard, ice cubes from the tray; pouring the vodka, adding a splash of tonic.
She drank one, poured another, and went back upstairs to the office.
Desperate people do desperate things.
Those words have become both my mantra and my excuse. They are the words that allow me to do things I would never agree to or condone were I fully sane. A drowning person doesn’t care about the form of their swimming stroke, only getting to shore whatever way they can. In so many ways I am and have been drowning since the day Roland Ballencoa took my daughter away.
When Leslie had first gone missing, what looked to be lifelines were thrown at us from all directions. People came by the hundreds to help in the searches. Every law enforcement agency available joined the task force to solve the crime. Every media outlet flocked to us for interviews.
When our story was picked up by the national news, we were inundated with mail from well-wishers and sympathizers. Complete strangers sent donations of money to put toward the reward, to establish a fund for the family, to hold in reserve for Leslie’s rehabilitation/hospitalization/education/therapy when she was returned to us. The outpouring was incredible and overwhelming.
People brought us food. Friends ran errands for us. Between the police, the press, and the well-meaning, Lance and I rarely had a minute to ourselves to try to process the emotions we were feeling.
Supposed psychics came out of the woodwork to tell us Leslie was alive, Leslie was dead, Leslie was being kept in a dark place with no windows, Leslie was buried in a shallow grave near railroad tracks and water.
But as the hours turned to days, to weeks, to months, to years, the multitude thinned and the lifelines were pulled away. The strangers left first, then the majority of law enforcement people, then the friends, then even relatives tired. Then Lance was gone, and I was alone, screaming and clawing at people to get back their attention.
With every news piece I could get, interest would rise for a day or two or ten. Then it would fall, and my hopes and spirits with it. The last story that had run had been buried in the local section of a free weekly paper. I had expected nothing to come of it. But Greg Hewitt had come of it.
A private investigator without much business looking for some kind of score to turn his career around, he came to me with his story of admiration and pity, neither of which I cared anything about. Sympathy—genuine or otherwise—is cheap and, by that time, was useless to me. I was beyond caring about the caring of others. At best their good intentions didn’t last. All the well-meaning emotions of others had not brought my daughter home.
I didn’t care about Greg Hewitt or his credentials, if he had any. I didn’t care where he had come from or why. I decided he was probably more greedy than good. That was all right with me. Greed is honest. Greed is understandable. Greed I was willing to pay for.
I had no faith in his ability to find Leslie. If all the king’s horses and all the king’s men hadn’t been able to do it with all the investigative and forensic tools at their disposal, how was a down-on-his-luck PI supposed to do it?
He hadn’t, of course. He had come and gone in and out of my life for several months while he interviewed witnesses who had already been interviewed a dozen times, while he tracked down Roland Ballencoa and watched his habits. He had broken into Ballencoa’s house in San Luis Obispo, but found nothing. He had followed Ballencoa for several days, but learned nothing—until he learned that Ballencoa was moving to Oak Knoll.
I never told anyone about Greg Hewitt. I never met him at my home. I never let him meet Leah. I never spoke of him to friends. While he was good-looking and roughly charming, there was something about him that was just slightly off-putting for me. There was something about him that was a little sleazy, a little edgy. Or maybe what I pinned on him was really just a reaction to my own distaste for the depths to which I was willing to go.
I asked him to get me Ballencoa’s new address in Oak Knoll. That would be the last thing I would want from him. He didn’t like the direction my mind was going. I suspected he didn’t like my intention to sever what business relationship we had. He wanted to hang on. It was no secret that Lance and I had money. It was also no secret to me that Greg Hewitt wanted money. I was willing to give it to him. But he had wanted more than money.
In his mind he had some notion that there might be something between us—if not romantically, certainly sexually. He was the kind of man who equated sexual conquest with control. As if his prowess would be such that I would fall under his spell, and we would become like the two-dimensional characters of a 1950s pulp fiction detective novel.
I believed no such thing. I wanted no such thing. Nor did I want him. I hadn’t been with any man other than my husband since my early college days. I hadn’t wanted to be. What I wanted was Roland Ballencoa’s address, and no one else was going to get it for me.
Desperate people do desperate things.
I spent a night with a man I didn’t like, much less desire, and my body had betrayed me utterly, responding against my will, greedy for a kind of release I hadn’t known I needed. I hated him for it. I hated myself more.
Greg Hewitt gave me Roland Ballencoa’s address in Oak Knoll. I fired him the next day.
35
“Uncle Tony! Uncle Tony!”
Mendez grinned as the Leone children came running for him. He bent down and caught Haley first, sweeping her up out of harm’s way as little Antony barreled into him like a battering ram.
“Hey, guys!”
“I’m not a guy!” Haley protested. “I’m a girl!”
“You’re not a girl,” Mendez said. “You’re a princess!”
Haley beamed.
Antony jumped up in the air and did his best ninja kick. “I’m all boy!”
Mendez ruffled his godson’s dark curls. “You sure are, sport.”
“Uncle Tony, we went to the zoo in Santa Barbara!” Haley said excitedly. “I got a giraffe and Antony got a gorilla. Not real ones, stuffed
ones.”
Antony immediately began to hop around the entry hall making ape sounds.
“That’s cool!” Mendez said. “What else did you see?”
“We saw zebras and leopards, and I got to help Daddy feed a giraffe and it licked me! It was so gross!”
Mendez laughed. Haley Leone was as adorable and bubbly as a child could be—a far cry from how she had been the first time he’d seen her. At four years old she had been the only witness to her mother’s brutal stabbing death and mutilation. The perpetrator had choked Haley unconscious and left her for dead as well. When Mendez had first seen her in the hospital, she had just come out of a coma, screaming in terror. Only Anne had been able to quiet and calm her.
Anne Leone came into the hall now, smiling and wiping her hands on a bright yellow kitchen towel.
“You’re just in time,” she said, rising up on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. “They’re fresh from their naps.”
“I don’t nap, Mommy,” Haley corrected her. “Naps are for babies like Antony.”
“I’m not a baby, I’m a lion!” Antony announced. He made a fierce roar and clawed the air with his imaginary paws.
“You’re staying for dinner,” Anne said. “Vince is grilling.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Mendez said, setting Haley down. “Where is the boss anyway?”
“Out by the pool. Come on. I’ll get you a drink.”
She preceded him down the hall, herding her youngest ahead of her, calling a warning to him as Antony began to give chase to a striped tabby cat that darted ahead of them with its tail straight up in the air.
He had first met Anne during the investigation of the See-No-Evil murders, when she had been a schoolteacher at Oak Knoll Elementary. Pretty, quietly strong, and fiercely protective of her students, he’d had a mind to ask her out when the case was over. But Vince had swept into town and swept Anne off her feet—and he never let Mendez live it down.
At a glance they seemed an unlikely couple. Now fifty-two, Vince was twenty years Anne’s senior, but they were absolutely soul mates, and had the strongest marriage of any couple Mendez knew. Watching them with their growing family, he had to admit he envied them.
“I understand we have a new acquaintance in common,” Anne said as they went into the big bright kitchen. “Lauren Lawton.”
“She called you?” he said, surprised. “I gave her your card, but I didn’t think she’d use it.”
“She didn’t. I met her through Wendy. Wendy has become friends with Lauren’s daughter. They ride horses together.”
“What do you think of her?”
“Lauren? I think life hasn’t been very kind to her,” she said diplomatically.
“No. Is she going to see you professionally?”
“I wouldn’t look for that to happen any time soon. She’s too busy trying to hang on to the ledge to reach out for help,” Anne said. “We’ve talked. She knows I’m available when she’s ready. That’s the best I can do for now.”
“I don’t see how she can heal while those wounds are still open,” Mendez said. “Until the case is resolved one way or another, she’s left hanging.”
Anne nodded, her expression sad. “I remember watching the news coverage when her daughter was abducted. That’s the worst thing I can possibly imagine as a parent. And then she lost her husband too. It’s heartbreaking. It’s like watching somebody drowning and not being able to do anything for them.”
She shook her head as she opened the refrigerator. “Wine or beer?”
“I shouldn’t,” he started.
She gave him an arch look, a smile tugging at her mouth. “I know you’re not on duty.”
Mendez scowled a little. “I’ll have a Dos Equis then, thanks.”
“Hey, hothead. What are you doing in my kitchen with my wife?”
Vince Leone had come up the ranks of the Chicago PD and, while he had long ago left the Windy City, its accent had never left him.
He came into the room and immediately laid claim to Anne, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her forehead, winning himself a sweet smile. An athletic physical presence at six-three, he had a lion’s mane of wavy salt-and-pepper hair and a mustache meant to distract the eye from the small round scar on his cheek. The scar marked the entrance of a mugger’s .22-caliber bullet that had never left his head. Otherwise fit and happy, he was stronger and more vibrant now than he had been when he had come to Oak Knoll five years prior. Family life agreed with him.
“You talked to Cal?” Mendez said with a lopsided smile.
“I saw him at the gym this morning. He told me this Ballencoa clown threatened to sue,” he said. “You’d better mind your p’s and q’s, junior.”
“Meanwhile, Ballencoa can terrorize Lauren Lawton, and that’s okay. I can’t even put a tail on him for fear of him screaming harassment,” Mendez complained. “I found out today the city of Santa Barbara gave him fifty K to shut up and go away. He went up to San Luis Obispo and threatened to sue them too. Now we get him.”
“Imagine what a nightmare that is for Lauren,” Anne said, handing him his beer.
“I don’t have to imagine. I’ve seen firsthand what it’s done to her,” he said. “She’s hanging on to the ledge with broken fingernails. If we can’t head this off at the pass and get some kind of resolution for her, we’re going to have a bad outcome one way or another.”
“Uncle Tony! Look at my giraffe!” Haley called, coming into the room with a stuffed toy half as big as she was. Antony tagged along behind, holding his stuffed gorilla on top of his head.
Mendez squatted down for a closer look. “That’s beautiful, sweetheart.”
“Mine too!” Antony said.
“Yours too!”
“I’m not a sweetheart, though,” Antony said.
“Yes, you are, Vincent Antony Leone,” Anne declared, bending down and snatching her son close for a kiss.
“No, I’m not! I’m a g’rilla!”
Haley scrambled up onto a barstool at the island. “Daddy, tell Uncle Tony about how the giraffe licked me.”
“I will, Haley Bug,” Vince said, stroking a big hand over his daughter’s tousled curls. “We’ll both tell him all about it later. But right now Uncle Tony and I have to go talk some business. You stay here and help Mommy keep your brother in line, okay?”
Haley rolled her big brown eyes dramatically. “Oh, brother!”
Vince poured himself a glass of cabernet from the bottle on the counter and led the way out to the pool.
“Have I told you yet today what a lucky stiff you are?” Mendez asked, twisting the top off his beer.
“No, but I am,” Vince said with a grin. He took a seat on an L-shaped cushioned stucco bench that framed one corner of the swimming pool. “Life is good.”
Mendez sat on the other leg of the L. “How’s Anne feeling? She looks great.”
“A little morning sickness, a little tired, and quit looking at my wife,” Vince said, shooting him a half-joking, half-fierce look. “You need to find yourself a nice girl and settle down, Anthony.”
Mendez took a pull on his beer. “Yeah, well . . . I’ll get right on that.”
They were both silent for an uncomfortable moment.
“Sara just wasn’t ready, Tony,” Vince said gently.
Sara Morgan. Wendy’s mother. Beautiful Sara Morgan with her mermaid hair and cornflower blue eyes. A wounded bird for him to protect. He had certainly wanted to.
“That’s not to say she won’t come back around. She’s needed some time to just be herself. Steve did a lot of damage.”
Mendez shook his head. “No. It’s not going to happen, Vince. I’m okay with that. I was part of a bad time in her life. Every time she looked at me was a reminder of everything she went through. Hell, I put her through some of it myself when we thought that asshole husband of hers was a suspect,” he admitted.
He couldn’t say he hadn’t been half in love with her, though. Vince knew it too, but gracefully let the s
ubject slide.
“So tell me about Roland Ballencoa.”
Mendez filled him in with the details he had learned going through the SBPD files with Tanner. Leone listened with laser-sharp interest.
“He’s classic in a lot of respects,” he said. “Tailor-made for trouble. Absent mother, emotionally distant female raising him. No male role model in his life.”
“For sure there’s some kind of aberrant sexual component in there when he was younger, I’m thinking,” Mendez said.
Vince nodded. “Most likely. Although I do know cases where the subject claimed to have had violent sexual fantasies at a young age with no remembered abuse preceding.”
“Abuse is a relative term.”
“Or maybe a terminal relative,” Leone played on the words. “At any rate, your boy Roland started young with the peeping and the lewd acts, and very possibly hastened the demise of his aunt.”
“And got away with it.”
“That kind of success is a dangerous thing,” Vince said. “I’d like to get my hands on a transcript of his interview with the police from back then.”
“If such a thing exists,” Mendez said. “We’re talking twenty years ago and some Podunk PD up in the hinterlands.”
“Twenty years isn’t that long ago, junior,” he said. “It’s not like we were chiseling our reports on stone tablets.”
“Nobody videotaped anything,” Mendez pointed out. “Probably no audio, either. 1970? I mean, Christ, what did you have back then? The gramophone?”
“I had a whole load of kick your ass,” Vince said, chuckling. “And I still do.”
“Yeah? Maybe someday you can put your bell-bottoms back on and show me,” Mendez challenged. “Just promise me you won’t fall and break a hip. I don’t want to be responsible for killing a legend.”
They had a good laugh—a necessary pressure release considering the business they dealt with on a daily basis. Mendez slugged back more of his Dos Equis. Vince sipped his wine.