“Oh.”
“Claudia hooked me up with a job about two months ago. I hate to do this, but I’m in the middle of helping Mary Beth make a plan for herself. I get off work in about an hour, though. How about you and I grab something to eat? We can talk more then.”
“Yeah, of course.”
“Good. I sure am glad to see you, son.”
After grabbing some tamales at a local Mexican restaurant, his father invited him back to his apartment. Thomas didn’t like the looks of it from the start, but it was a roof over his head. And in a city like Denver with its skyrocketing cost of living, his father was probably still paying a pretty penny for it.
The inside of the apartment was even worse. A mattress lay on the floor with a sheet so threadbare, Thomas could see the stains on the mattress through it. A single chair and a TV dinner stand composed the dining room. And where a couch and television might be, Thomas saw only a short stack of books, complete with library stickers.
“It isn’t much.”
“This is great, Dad.”
“I wish I had a place for you to sleep. All I’ve got is this floor.”
“The floor suits me just fine.”
“The bathroom there does have running water. This is why I haven’t called you or Cass. I hit bottom a few months back. Claudia and the other folks at the center really came through once the nights got too cold. I didn’t want to tell you and Cassie.”
“Why not?”
“Because I knew it was all my own doing. Plus, I knew you’d do this.” His father motioned to him. “And I’ve taken enough from you over the years.”
“It’s fine. You’re family.”
“By my calculations, it was almost sixty thousand dollars. And what do I have to show for it?”
Thomas remembered the sting of selling his plane. And every chunk of change he sent his way through the years. Money he could have been using to build his savings or go to school or prepare a future for a wife or family. It was worth it to clear his father’s debt and help him out. Yet, it hadn’t helped. All his efforts had resulted in a scrounged mattress and a one-room apartment in a questionable part of town.
“Come home with me, Dad. Cassie and I will get you back on your feet.”
“I am getting back on my feet. And for the first time, I have purpose in what I’m doing on this old spinning ball of dirt. I’ve been working on a budget and some goals for myself.”
“Maybe I can help. I had gotten into some trouble at the firehouse—”
“I don’t believe that. Not you.”
“I was careless. Once I learned your whereabouts, I tacked some leave on to my suspension so I could come to Denver. I’d love to work through some of these things with you. How about you let me take you to some shops? We can get the bare essentials. I can get you a couch—that can be my bed—and maybe a table with two chairs.”
“I’m done taking charity from my own children.”
“Then call it a loan.”
“Nope.”
“With interest.”
He grinned. “I guess that might be all right. Uh, there’s something else Claudia and the gang have been helping me with—sorting out my past. I wasn’t the best father to you and Cass. I was always thinking about what was best for me, and if someone—you kids or your mother—got in the way, I didn’t like it. I’m sorry for being so selfish. And for leaving you before you were grown.”
Thomas focused above his head at the crack in the plaster. Before he was grown? He was grown from the time Cassie was born, and it was his job to look after her.
“I’m sorry you didn’t get much of a childhood. Your mother . . .”
Here it comes. The blame. The scapegoating. The “he said”/“she said.” He’d heard it his whole life.
“Your mother didn’t deserve the trouble I caused her. I don’t want you thinking bad about her. I was impossible to live with. And I dragged her down with me. Relationships are tough, even in the best-case scenario. Throw in a jerk like me, and it becomes a recipe for World War Three. I’m sorry you and Cassie had to witness that. I caused a whole lot of pain for those I love.”
Thomas’s thoughts traipsed to Blue and the pain he’d caused her.
“The last time we talked, you and little Blue Walker were spending a lot of time together. Anything happened there?”
Thomas nodded. “Enough for me to hurt her.”
“That’s a shame. I liked Blue. She was good to you when I wasn’t.”
“I wish I could say the same about how I treated her. Must be in my blood.”
“Now you stop that right there. Your blood, your genes, your heritage or whatever—they are just fine. I made a choice to focus on myself and my pride. But that ain’t you. Would you ever choose to hurt her?”
“Never.”
“There you go. I don’t know how you grew up to be so loving. You certainly didn’t learn that from me. I guess I should thank God for that.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Blue handed the grocery store cashier a five-dollar bill and waited for her change. The candle shaped like the number five was the last thing she needed to celebrate what would have been Ella’s fifth birthday.
“Excuse me. Are you Cecelia Walker? Or Blue, I guess?”
“Yes, I am. And you’re Andrea.” Blue recognized the woman from the Christmas Stroll, as well as from that picture that Hunter had posted. She never believed Thomas had cheated on her. But she never had understood where the boundary lines had been drawn between Thomas and Andrea. Blue looked for the other children but only saw the baby strapped to Andrea’s chest in a wrap—Baby Thomas, named after his savior the night of the fire.
“I don’t mean to keep you, but I’ve wanted to talk to you for a while now. I heard about what your ex-husband posted online.”
“Really, Andrea. We don’t need to talk about this.”
“I’ve been in your shoes before. I want to assure you that Thomas was only ever my friend. I wanted more, but he refused all my advances. I’m not proud of that, but he’s such a good guy. The kind of man I want my children to know exists in the world. They haven’t exactly had the best example.”
Blue nodded. “And how are you and the children doing now?”
“Real good. I’ve gotten hooked up with this organization that helps women and mothers get back up on their feet. You wouldn’t believe how much easier it is to go grocery shopping without four little ones climbing all over! I haven’t spoken to Thomas at all. Will you tell him I’m doing well?”
Blue accepted the bag from the cashier, then shifted her focus back to Andrea. “The next time I talk to him.” She thanked the cashier and made her way to the front door of the grocery store, then out to her car.
The sun was shining, nice and warm, putting major dents in the snowfall lingering past the start of spring. Oh, Montana. Soon, the snow would be gone completely. Which was good because Blue was getting stir-crazy living in that house with just Molly. Although they had been taking daily walks out to see Glory Falls, they hadn’t yet made it all the way to the old church. Too many memories of Thomas there and far too much bitterness nesting in the rafters for her liking.
The four weeks since Thomas had dropped Molly off and left for Colorado had not been as easy as Blue thought they would be. Sure, she hadn’t seen his face across the yard or in her family room, but she had a pretty vivid imagination. And her parents’ house was steeped in memories of him—from childhood, from her teenage years, and oh-so-powerful ones from the past few months when she’d given her heart to him.
Every time part of her wanted to blame him for Ella’s death, reason intervened. He’d been doing his job. If she hadn’t been tired from the pregnancy and lain down to nap, she would have been close enough to Ella to keep her from falling in. But now Thomas was a constant reminder of what she had lost
.
But oh, how she missed him. Life was far too lonely without her best friend.
She drove to the cemetery in silence. It was becoming familiar to her, this cemetery. She’d come every week since Valentine’s Day, making up for the years she’d stayed too far away and hadn’t honored her little girl’s life the way she should have. But this would be a special one. Blue was throwing a party—celebrating her life, short as it was.
She gathered all the supplies in her arms and made her way to the grave. When she got close, Blue cocked her head curiously. For the fourth week in a row, the same yellow teddy bear ornamented Ella’s grave. But what had once been clean and new now lay facedown on the muddy grass. Blue set down her supplies and picked up the bear. Its yellow fur was matted and dingy. It weighed heavily in her hand, having soaked in all the precipitation and melted snow from the past few weeks. According to Ryann, someone had been replacing the teddy bear about every two weeks since the drowning. Until now.
She’d often wondered who the honorable person was. She had a whole list in her head. Robbie, Keira, Ryann, Mrs. Matthews. But if Blue had to guess, it was probably someone even closer to her heart. And now, seeing how this bear had been left to endure the elements with no reprieve or replacement all month, Blue was almost positive. It only made her heart ache more. But there would be no tears this hour. It was a party.
Blue unraveled rolls of yellow and pink crepe paper streamers and tore them the same length. She matched them up and twisted them a few times to make a nice yellow-and-pink swirl pattern. With tape, she secured each end to the corners of the tombstone. Blue spread out the blanket—thankfully water-resistant on this soggy day. Kneeling, she took a deep breath before she blew into a pink balloon. Once she tied it, she inflated a yellow balloon. She alternated pink and yellow, pink and yellow. The last time she had blown up a balloon was the night before Ella’s second birthday when she and Hunter had blown up enough balloons to cover the floor of the nursery. When Ella had awakened the next morning, she’d twirled and thrown the balloons about. Such a happy life she’d had, adored by her mommy and daddy—the whole country, really, considering how the tabloids loved to share pictures of her. She’d never known sadness or pain at all. The same was true for the baby she’d lost. Her children had only known love. That had to count for something.
Once Blue had blown up enough balloons to cover the blanket, she removed the single cupcake from its plastic container and placed it on the base of the marble stone. She placed the numbered candle on the top of the cupcake, making the kind of mess that would have sent Ella into a giggling fit.
“Happy birthday, sweet girl.”
A breeze caught one of the pink balloons and lifted it off the ground. It floated past her.
Blue stood to fetch it, but the balloon bounced to the feet of the last person Blue wanted to see. She squeezed her eyes closed, hoping it was just a bad dream, but she wasn’t so lucky.
“I’ll put this right here,” Hunter said.
“Shouldn’t you have gone back to California by now?”
“I canceled my upcoming projects, remember? I’ve got nothing to do and nowhere to go.”
Blue sniffled. Of all the things she should have brought, tissues would have been wise, especially on an emotional day like this. Suddenly a tissue appeared over her shoulder, carefully folded and from Hunter’s hand.
“Can I join you?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because you ruined my life, Hunter. Again. I know you thought you were getting at Thomas, but you hurt me.”
“Let me explain.”
“I don’t want an explanation. I just want to have this moment with my daughter on her birthday.”
“That’s why I’m here, too. Can’t we at least do this together?”
“Hunter, you haven’t acknowledged her or the baby since we lost them. They were like characters that you met in a movie. Once filming wrapped, you didn’t think about them anymore.”
“That’s not true. Blue, I couldn’t stop thinking about them. All the things I did to distract myself didn’t work.”
“Like sleeping with your costars?”
“I’m not proud of anything I’ve done. I never should have let myself get that close to Ilsa. I should’ve been there for you. I get that now. I’ve never had anything taken away from me in my entire life, and then God took everything I loved most. I didn’t know how to wrap my head around it.”
“So this is God’s fault? It’s God’s fault you cheated on me? God’s fault that you left me?”
“I’m not saying that. It was too hard looking at you and seeing your sadness. Every time I looked at you, it reminded me of the pain of losing her.”
Blue bit into her lip. It was the same thing she said to Thomas.
“So why are you here now? In Montana?”
“Because avoiding you didn’t make the pain go away. It just made me sad and lonely.”
Blue knew the feeling. At least Hunter was willing to own up to his foolish logic.
He sat beside her on the blanket, uninvited, but nevertheless, there.
Finally, she took in the sight of him. The “Most Handsome Man” had the coloring of an extra in a zombie film—ashen and marred by deep shadows. His cheeks had hollowed as well. Unless he was dabbling in method acting for an upcoming role à la Tom Hanks in Cast Away, the mourning and all his misdeeds had caught up to him.
“I’m so sorry for everything.”
“For posting those lies on Momentso?”
He nodded slowly. “I needed you back. That’s why I posted that. Why I went after Thomas?” He shook his head. “I don’t know what I was thinking. He seems like a good guy. He . . . made a good scapegoat.”
“What do you mean?”
Silence loomed as shame weighed on his brow. “Ella. The accident. It was my fault. I was reading a script. I wasn’t watching her. I even turned my back on her to avoid the glare off the water. Blue, I never even saw her fall in. I looked up, and she was gone.”
All the blood in her body seemed to converge in her head and now throbbed against her skull. She tried to lift a hand, but she couldn’t. Her entire body was rooted in this ground.
“I searched for her, up and down the river for maybe an hour before I came and woke you up. Only then did I call 911. It wasn’t Thomas’s fault. I remember seeing the water level rise a bit, but that was long after everything had already happened. I killed our daughter.”
“Why . . . why . . . why didn’t you call for help right away?”
“I was embarrassed. I figured she’d wandered away. I never imagined . . .”
Thomas’s heartfelt vow to find Ella echoed in her head. He might have found her in time if Hunter had called for help earlier. Then, the water never would’ve been released. Thomas would never have carried this guilt for two and a half years. He wouldn’t have thrown himself again and again into danger to pay penance for the death he thought he caused.
Blue took the first balloon and punctured the end near the knot with her teeth. While the balloon deflated, she moved to the next one. One after the other, the air drained from the balloons just as all life and hope and everything good seeped out of her. Hunter watched as she shoved all the party supplies into her bag. She tried to shake out the blanket, but the cold wetness had soaked through it. She swaddled it into a ball. All that remained on the grave was the pathetic teddy bear. Blue grabbed it. The ugly thing wouldn’t mar Ella’s graveside. Not on her birthday.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
At the farmers market, Thomas turned the teddy bear in his hand. It was yellow but made of patchwork fabric that would set it apart from all the other bears he’d bought through the years. This would’ve been a great one for Ella’s birthday, which was today, unless he was mistaken. Would anyone put a new, clean toy on her grave today? Something
to say, you lived, you are loved, and you are missed? Blue probably would. She’d find a way to celebrate Ella’s day without any interference from Thomas. Maybe alongside Hunter.
The thought ate at him. Still, when he returned to Montana, he’d love to have this unique plush to sit by the stone. Whenever that might be.
“Excuse me. I’d like to buy this.” He handed a twenty-dollar bill to the woman.
“Thomas Beck?”
He glanced behind him, and the familiar smile that greeted him was like local honey to a Denverite’s soul. “Uh, keep the change,” he said to the vendor before turning and welcoming Val Haviland with an embrace.
“I was expecting a side hug,” she said.
“Next time.”
“What on earth are you doing here?”
“I’m here with my father.”
Val’s brows shot up.
“Exactly. What about you? I thought you lived in the mountains.”
“My mom likes to grab some holistic stuff at this market when she’s feeling up for the drive. We’re about an hour and a half west of here.”
“How’s she doing?”
Val shrugged. She wore her hair down, and rather than her traditional paramedic’s uniform, she wore jeans and a T-shirt with a John Muir quote on it. Casual, but there was still a lot going on behind those eyes. “She doesn’t have long, but we’re using the opportunity to recoup lost time.”
“That’s good, I guess. What about you and Wesley?”
“Wes? Like are we dating? Never. No chance. Ever.” The way her gaze shifted quickly made Thomas wonder. “Enough about me. I want to know more about your father.”
“He’s turning his life around, and I’m trying to help him. Right now, he’s working at the booth for a local farmer.”
“For how long?”
“Just a couple hours.”
“No, I mean, how long are you here helping your father?” she asked. When she saw Thomas clamp his mouth shut, she shook her head. “I heard about the movie. And that mess with Hunter and Blue. How are you doing?”
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