by Hart, Hanna
"And a roaring fireplace," she added.
"I'm not sure we'll need it in that Texas heat, but yeah, babe, a big fireplace. The biggest one you've ever seen! I'll crank the air conditioning up just so we can put it on for you," he chuckled. "I want a master bedroom that's bigger than my living room, with its own bathtub and—”
"And what about us?" she asked.
Walker looked down at her with his alluring, bright green eyes and kissed her with such passion, she almost lost her breath. "That's my favorite part," he said quietly. "I'll have you, and you'll have me, and we don't have to worry about anything in Colorado anymore. You can join a firm or work freelance wherever we end up, and when you're not working, you'll be exploring the canyons and farms right by my side. Right?"
She nodded. "Right," she said. "And what else?"
"That's it," he said, wrapping an arm around her.
And that was it, she thought. That was all Walker saw for them. Work, work, work. Ranching, her doing videos, them inheriting his family money and building on their property, riding off on horses into the sunset.
All of it sounded wonderful. It was everything she had dreamed about for years, but there was no mention of children or family. That would have been perfect for her a few weeks ago, but now she was going to be a mother, and the longer she kept it her little secret, the more she began to crave motherhood.
She tried to tell him again a week later but felt bile rise in her throat as she started forming the words in her head.
One time they went out for lunch at a Spanish restaurant, and the couple two tables away from them had brought their infant child with them. It cried the whole meal, eliciting wide, irritated glares from Walker.
"Isn't that the most annoying sound you've ever heard?" he whispered with a laugh.
"I mean, it's just a baby," she said, rolling her shoulders into a defensive shrug. "Baby's cry; it's basically their only job."
"And that's why we're never having kids," he snorted, and she nearly felt her heart break in half.
There never seemed to be a good time to tell him, and the longer she waited, the more signs she saw that told her Walker would be devastated by the news.
At nine weeks, she was officially in her third month of pregnancy and went to her first sonogram by herself.
"Are you experiencing any symptoms yet?" her OB asked.
"Um, some breast tenderness, and I'm really tired and moody," she confirmed.
"That's all completely normal. It isn't fun, but it's normal," the doctor said with a gentle laugh.
Ava swallowed nervously. "I haven't told the father yet," she blurted out.
"I see," her doctor nodded. She set her chart down on the desk and her eyes met Ava's. "Well, it's natural to be nervous about these things. But he's going to find out eventually."
"I know," Ava said, nearly crying. "How much longer until it's noticeable?"
The doctor licked her lips, and her eyes went skyward, thinking. "I can see that your stomach is still quite small," she said, looking over at Ava's belly. "But you should 'pop' any time now so, not much longer. The good news is this is a great time to do some retail therapy. Big comfy sweaters, stretchy pants, pickles and ice cream. Whatever you're craving, now is the time to indulge."
Ava offered her a wary smile. She appreciated her doctor's kind tone and her levity, especially since she hadn't told anyone she was pregnant. Not her mother, not Tibby. Her doctor's appointments were the only times she got to talk about how she was feeling or what was going on with her health.
"I'm scared," she said. "This wasn't really in our plans. We don't, I mean, I don't have help. No family, I mean."
"He may just surprise you," the doctor said with a bright smile. "A lot of women find that their spouses are just as excited, if not more, to have a child than they are. This could be the best thing that ever happened to you."
"He wants to buy a ranch," Ava said.
"Kids love horses," her doctor winked, but Ava didn't smile back. Seeing this, the woman set her chart down on her desk and crossed her legs. Her tone was sweet and mothering as she said, "You know, Ava, if you are having doubts or you’re looking for an alternative to—”
"No, no," Ava said, shaking her head. "I want it. I want to keep the baby."
"Alright!" her doctor said, pulling out a bottle of gel and the sonogram transducer. "Then, let's get this show on the road!"
She proceeded to squirt the warmed gel onto Ava's stomach and move the small probe around it. Ava looked over at the monitor. "If you follow this circle, that is the uterus," the doctor explained. "That's your baby, right there, it's about the size of a strawberry."
Ava stared in wonder at the screen. "Wow."
"And this here," she said, moving the tool around for a few seconds before a loud THUMP-THUMP-THUMP could be heard. "This is your baby's heartbeat! It's nice and strong, so that's good to hear."
The little heartbeat felt like it was vibrating through Ava's body as she closed her eyes. It was the most magical thing she had ever experienced in her whole entire life. She and Walker created a little life out of nowhere, and now she was hearing its beating heart.
Ava was eleven weeks pregnant. Her baby was forming hair follicles. She checked online every Sunday to see all of the new statistics about her baby. She knew about fingernail development, how many inches it was, and about the symptoms she should be expecting.
Walker was out with his friends for the day, and Ava was spending the afternoon doing laundry. She tried to open Walker's top drawer to throw a batch of his socks inside, but the drawer was jammed. She pushed and pulled until whatever was blocking the passage came loose.
When she finally pulled the drawer open, she spotted a little gray box. The case was a little worse for wear after her fighting with it, but the content was undeniable. It was an engagement ring.
She swallowed nervously and felt her hands go moist. She didn't have a moment's hesitation or concern for Walker's privacy as she scooped the box up and opened it with shaking fingers.
Inside was a rose gold art-deco style diamond engagement ring. It was simple and dainty with geometric patterns. She snapped the box shut quickly and shoved it to the back of his drawer before shoving his socks inside.
Then she threw up, though whether it was from her morning sickness or surprise she didn't know.
She left the house immediately after that, walking around downtown endlessly, lost in thought. She knew then that she had to tell Walker. That night. No more excuses.
"Where have you been all day?" he asked later that night when she came back to his place. "I've been looking for you."
"I was just out, walking around," she said nervously.
"Without your phone on?" he asked with a curious smile.
"I just wanted a little time to myself," she said, lifting a bag of take-out onto the kitchen island. "I got Thai."
"Great! Thank you!" he exclaimed, meeting her at the marble island. "Guess what?"
"What?" she asked absent-mindedly as she unpacked their food.
"Someone is inching closer and closer to becoming an official ranch owner," he said in a sing-song tone.
"That's awesome," she said, but her voice was missing the excitement she should have had. She wasn't feeling well, in more ways that one, and the last thing she wanted to talk about was the ranch.
"I have a real lead on an amazing property," he said with a grin, "So if you wanted to look at the property, I can bring my laptop over."
"Not right now, okay?" she said, feeling an ache in her back that was so overwhelming, she nearly groaned in discomfort.
Walker met her eyes, and she watched the light leave his expression. His eyes went dull, and they pierced into her with irritation as he snapped, "You could at least pretend to be a little excited about this."
"I am celebrating on the inside," she tried to joke, swirling a finger in the air. "See? Whoopee."
Walker set his jaw. "What's up with you lately?" he
asked, narrowing his eyes. "You're so miserable these days, I don't even know who you are anymore. This was something I thought you would be happy about."
"It's great, Walker," she said quickly, irritated and in pain. "I just, I'm just going through something right now."
"With your mom, I know," he nodded.
"No, you don't know," she spat back.
"Ava, I have been there with you every step of the way I could," he said, using his condescending voice. "Why do you think I'm breaking my back trying to get us out of Denver? We don't need to be around her anymore. Some of the people we have here are toxic."
Ava didn't respond, too concerned with the sudden cramping she felt overwhelming her stomach.
"I'm doing this for us!" he said, louder then.
Ava winced in pain, pulling in a sharp breath. She turned away from Walker and pressed a hand against her abdomen and quickly removed it. She grabbed plates from the cupboard and turned back to him before saying, "I know you're doing this for us, and I promise to jump up and down about it later, but right now, I'm just not in the mood."
"What's that supposed to mean?" he said angrily.
Ava felt like her whole body was contracting. She felt a cold sweat break out across her back, and she snarled, "I can't have this conversation with you right now, okay?" before leaving the apartment and slamming the door behind her. Something was wrong, and she needed to get out of there. It was easy enough to do since Walker didn't chase after her.
Her fears were confirmed as she pulled down her pants in a nearby rest stop bathroom and saw thick spots of blood in her underwear. An emergency trip to the after-hours clinic would confirm that, at eleven weeks along, she had lost the baby.
She didn't know how to tell Walker what had happened or why she kept everything from him, so Ava convinced herself that there was no point in telling him after the fact.
The thought that he might blame her for losing the baby terrified her. She felt guilty enough on her own.
So, she suffered alone. She withdrew in every possible way—physically, emotionally, verbally.
She thought she would get over it and that the longer she spent pretending it didn't happen, the better she would feel. Fake it until you make it, she told herself. But it didn't help.
Nothing helped.
Instead of moving on or confiding in Walker, she began to resent him. She resented him for planning their future; she resented him for not having to grieve the same loss that she was; she resented him for being so self-involved that he didn't try harder to get to the bottom of her shift in personality.
Ava hadn't expected to fall out of love with Walker, ever. But the more time went by the more she began to hate him. In retrospect, she was looking for someone to blame. She could see that now. But at the time, she grew colder and more distant. She felt lost—like everything she thought she wanted out of life somehow didn't measure up to the motherhood she'd very nearly had.
All she wanted then was to be alone, so she pushed and pushed and pushed until that's exactly what she got.
But she couldn't live that way now. She wanted Walker, she wanted to apologize, and she wanted to be completely honest with him this time.
Chapter Sixteen
Walker
“I do.”
These were the words that couple after couple said, vowing to stay together until death do they part.
This was not what happened between Walker and Leanne. But then, there were a lot of wedding vows Leanne didn’t live up to.
Now Kendall had joined the billions worldwide, joined in holy matrimony for their friends and family to see and she had stolen their New Year’s Eve to do it.
Walker and Ava clapped hard and loud as Kendall kissed Shane and followed them out the front door to take pictures.
For guests, the reception was where the fun really started, and with the young crowd in attendance, Walker knew they were going to have a party on their hands.
The venue was beautiful and perfectly adequate for the nearly four hundred guests in attendance. It was a New York-style exposed brick room with a mezzanine level that was perfect for peering out at the dance floor or marveling at the magnificent, custom chandelier that hung in the middle of the room.
Black tablecloths, cherry wood chairs, gold feather centerpieces and cutlery, and clear china made the wedding feel vintage and classic, yet fun and whimsical.
Walker wasn't especially fond of weddings, but he didn't hate this one as much as he thought he would. He didn't hate it at all, actually. Ava was by his side, and somehow, it lifted the veil of sadness from the whole occasion.
Kendall was happy, he told himself, and that was all that mattered.
So, he ate the prime rib, he enjoyed the pasta, he lost nearly half of his crème brûlée to Ava, and afterward, he danced with his sister, his mother, and then his girlfriend.
They danced well into the night, and Walker felt overwhelmed with gratitude for the woman in his life.
She still hadn’t answered him about coming back to Texas. He knew it was soon, and he didn’t want to rush her, but this felt right, and when something felt right, Walker went with it. He trusted his heart.
"You look amazing,” he whispered into Ava’s ear, bodies pressed together as they danced.
"Stop it,” she blushed.
She did look amazing. She wore a pale blue dress that seemed to wrap around her body and strappy shoes that he knew would end up on the floor under their table by the end of the night.
"You make me so happy, Ava,” he said, relishing the feel of her against his chest. “I don't want to leave.”
"Then stay,” she said, looking up at him.
He grinned. “Say the word, and I'll stay.”
"Walker,” she giggled, considering it. “No,” she whispered in a way that told Walker she didn’t mean it. “You can't do that. You love your ranch; you love your life in Colorado. We can...we can make it work. We can do long distance.”
"I don't want to do long-distance,” he said, and his heart ached as the words came out. “I don't want to leave. I want to be here with you. I want to hold you and kiss you and be with you. I'll stay if you tell me to stay, or you can come back to the ranch with me.”
Ava started to shake her head, but he stopped her, setting his finger on her chin.
“We can bring your mom,” he said, wanting to do things right this time. “We can bring anyone you want, okay? I love you, Ava. Do you know that?”
Ava’s eyes went glassy. She inhaled a sharp, overwhelmed breath and her lips curved into an emotional smile.
"I know it's fast,” he reasoned, “But in a way, it isn't. In a way, we're just picking up where we left off. But it's better this time. I'm better,” he said, squeezing her hand in his as they swayed to the music. “I can be there for you this time. I just don't want to lose you again.”
"Walker, you don't...you don't have to keep trying to convince me, okay?” she whispered.
His brows drew together in a curious frown. "What do you mean?”
"I love you,” she said.
"I love you, too,” he smiled.
"You don't have to convince me that you've grown up or that you would be good for me,” she said. “I always knew that.”
"You did?”
Ava bit her lip and nodded. "Always.”
"Then...” he paused. “Why? Why did you leave? What happened?”
Walker wanted to be together, for real. He didn't want there to be any question of whether or not they were a couple. He wanted to be hers and not worry that he was making the same mistakes that pushed her away to begin with.
Ava’s whole body rushed with a nervous tremble. When Walker realized she was shaking, he felt suddenly sick to his stomach—a plume of sharp, cold nerves exploding inside of him.
"Gosh, it's so hard to look at you right now,” she said, her voice thick with emotion.
"It's not hard to look at you, believe me,” he flirted.
Ava thinned
her lips together and stopped in the middle of the dance floor. She took his hand and hers and took him out into the hallway, through the entry of the lavish building, and out the side doors into an outdoor garden that was caked over in snow and ice.
“Ava,” he laughed, pulling his suit jacket off and wrapping it around her arms. “It’s freezing.”
"I need to know if you're serious,” she said, her expression dire.
"About you?" he asked, and Ava nodded. "Dead serious."
"You really want this? For real?"
"Ava, I have always wanted this. The real question is: do you want this?”
She stared hard into him, and his nerves suddenly quelled. “Yes,” she nodded. “More than anything.”
Walker’s whole body felt like it was floating. He pulled her into a deep kiss, his lips moving around hers in a familiar rhythm that was full of passion and love and lust.
"Walker,” she said, pulling back.
He smiled. “What?”
"I'm pregnant.”
The words seemed so small in the expansive courtyard. He blinked in surprise, narrowing his brows into a deep frown. His mind tried to process what she’d said, but each time the words rolled over in his mind, he couldn’t seem to catch them.
"You're...what?” he asked, tilting his head to the side.
Ava pulled in a cold breath and pressed her eyes shut. Her hands were balled into fists at her side as she admitted, "That's what I should have said to you six years ago.”
He felt a stitch of momentary relief wash over him. "You...so you're not pregnant?”
She shook her head. "No. Not now. No.”
Then the truth overtook him in a sudden rush. "But,” he began, his words coming out slowly as he tried to figure her out, “You were...back then?”
Ava nodded, staring intensely at him. “We got pregnant a couple of months before we broke up.”
“We,” he repeated slowly.
Her words came out quick and laced with panic and sadness as she said, "I didn't know how to tell you. I was so scared that you would hate me for it or that you would leave me or that you wouldn't want it. I kept trying to tell you, but then it was too late.”