by Hart, Hanna
His brother sat on the corner of his desk and flashed his cell phone to his brother. On the screen was a photo of a roofless car that probably cost what the average person would spend on a modest house.
"You live on a boat,” Walker said, giving the photo a brief glance before getting back to his e-mails.
"Yeah, but I don't boat out into the city,” Rhys snorted. “I still need a car, man!”
Walker’s cell phone started to alert; the vibration function sent the slim phone buzzing across the desktop. He gave it a once-over, just long enough to see it was Ava calling, and ignored it.
"Your phone's ringing,” Rhys said, nodding down toward the device.
"Hmm,” he said absent-mindedly.
Rhys swiped his finger across his phone screen, pulling up a photo of a Porsche and flashing it to Walker.
"I kind of want something red,” his brother said, swiping through the photos. “Like really sleek.”
Walker looked at the photo and raised both brows. "I heard somewhere that red cars get pulled over more than other colors do because the bright color gives the illusion of speeding more than, say, a white car would.”
"What?” Rhys laughed. “That's car-racism!”
Walker’s phone began ringing again and both brothers looked down at it.
"Your phone's ringing,” Rhys said.
Walker clicked one of the side buttons, ignoring the call. “Yup,” he said.
"That Ava?”
Walker nodded. "Yup.”
"Uh-huh,” Rhys said slowly, and Walker cringed inwardly at his brother’s detective-tone as he asked, “You guys have a fight or something?”
"Or something,” Walker said with a sigh.
Thankfully, Rhys knew enough to leave it alone when Walker didn’t start spilling the details of their argument. He simply went back to talking about cars, luxury models, custom spoilers, and horsepower.
It wasn’t long before Walker’s phone began buzzing again, and the photo of Ava with her tongue sticking out popped up on his screen.
This time, Rhys didn’t respect his privacy. He picked up the phone and answered it promptly, vaulting away from the office desk so that Walker couldn’t grab him.
"Hello, you've reached Walker's phone,” Rhys said in his best mock-professional tone. “Walker is currently disabling a nuclear bomb, and he can't come to the phone right now.” He paused. “Oh yeah, it's some next-level world-saving going on here. Uh-huh. Okay, I'll tell him that you called.”
As he hung up the phone, Walker felt a deep irritation wash over his body. “What did she say?” he asked before clenching his jaw tight.
"You'd know that if you…” Rhys began, putting a hand up to his ear, “What's that, ladies and gentlemen? That's right, if you answered your phone! Why are you ducking her calls, anyway? I thought everything was peachy in Walker-land. Weren't you guys just, like, professing your love for one another at your ranch?”
"Something like that.”
"And?” Rhys laughed. “Did you break up already?”
“We had a fight,” Walker said evenly, turning his attention back to his screen.
"So? Aren't you leaving soon? I mean, I'm no relationship expert, but I don't think Becca would be cool with me taking off after we fight,” his brother offered. “But she's one of those 'don't go to bed angry' types so maybe that's just a personality quirk. I really have no idea how Ava is about stuff like that. Though, I'm guessing she's not cool with the freeze-out if she keeps on calling you.”
Walker couldn’t help the smirk that pulled at the corner of his mouth. Rhys certainly knew how to ramble on.
"Do you babble just to irritate me or does that talent just come naturally to you?” he asked.
His brother offered a grin and said, “Just a God-given talent. Jealous?"
"Definitely," Walker snorted.
"So, what's up with you guys?"
"Old wounds,” he said.
Rhys gave a slow nod. "Finally talked about the 'ole breakup?” he asked.
"Yeah.”
"So,” Rhys asked, brows shot up in curiosity. “What’s the deal? Did she secretly have a boyfriend? Key your car?”
"Worse.”
Rhys let out an amused breath and the look of surprise on his face made Walkers’ stomach turn.
"Worse?” his brother repeated. “What, did she murder somebody?”
Walker sighed and spun in his chair. It was clear Rhys wasn't going to stop asking, and Walker did need someone to talk to, but it just didn't feel right bringing his baby brother into it.
He told Rhys he didn’t want to talk about it, then grabbed his phone and promptly excused himself. He went outside into the back yard and looked off into the distance at the jagged mountains that lined the suburbs of Denver with their beauty.
He drove to Mountain Coffee and scoped out the parking lot to make sure Ava’s car wasn’t there.
Once the coast was clear, he walked inside, laptop in hand, and ordered himself a large Americano.
He sat at a small booth and lost himself in his work, but Ava’s spirit kept gnawing at him.
Walker didn’t want to hurt her. He knew she needed to talk, but he didn’t know what to say to her yet. Every time he thought about their predicament, he got sicker and sicker.
He was almost a father.
It was a surreal fact that made him immensely sad and angry all at the same time. He felt left out of Ava’s life. He felt robbed of the love they could have had back then. He felt guilty for not being someone she felt comfortable confiding in.
In short, his emotions were all over the place.
This knowledge tugged at his body like little pinches that he couldn’t alleviate. He stared down at his phone and did something he never thought he would do. He called Kendall.
“Walker?” she answered on the third ring, her voice raspy and panicked as she blurted out, “What's going on? Are Mom and Dad alright?”
He couldn’t help but chuckle at this. "Why would you assume that I would only be calling you because somebody died?”
"Um?” she said, as though that simple word should explain everything. “Because I'm on my honeymoon, and you literally never call me?”
"That's not true,” he said defensively, but he knew it was probably true.
"You couldn't even be bothered to stay for the duration of my reception,” she complained. “Just for the record, I was one of the last people at your reception. The staff had to kick us out. Do you remember that?”
He nodded. “I remember.”
Walker could hear the sadness in Kendall’s voice as she said, “I know you don't like Shane or he's not your type of person or whatever it is, but I love him, and he makes me happy. You know, sometimes the things you do hurt me, Walker. You're supposed to be my big brothers and—”
"You're right,” he said, cutting her off politely. “I'm really sorry, Kendall.”
"You're...?” she breathed.
"You're right,” he repeated. “I can be a jerk.”
She went silent for a moment, processing what he had said. "Yes, you can.”
"I know. I apologize. I didn't mean to leave,” he sighed. “I was just going through something.”
"What's wrong?” she asked, and he appreciated how quickly she went from lecturing him to turning into his concerned, loving sister. “Is it about Leanne?”
"No. It's Ava,” he said.
"Ah,” she said, clipped. “Ava.”
"I know you're not her biggest fan, which is why I wanted to get your advice on something.”
"Okay,” she said softly.
"Something private,” he added, hoping his tone would get across how serious what he was about to tell her was.
"Alright,” she said, matching his demeanor.
"Very private,” he insisted. “As in, I haven't told anybody, and I expect you to do the same. Don't tell Mom or Dad or Rhys or Shane.”
"I get it!” she said with an irritated laugh. “I won't tell a
nyone, I swear.”
Walked pulled in a breath, and his eyes scanned the coffee shop before he admitted, "Back when we were together, she was pregnant.”
"What?” she said, practically gasping.
"And she had a miscarriage,” he added, and it felt strange to say the words out loud, like he was sharing details of somebody else’s life—because this couldn’t possibly happen to him.
"Oh, my gosh! Walker!” she exclaimed. “How could you not tell me this?”
"I didn't know,” he added quickly. “I didn't find out until your wedding night. That's why I went AWOL. She told me that's why she broke up with me and,” he paused. “I'm just having a really hard time with it. I feel like all Leanne did was lie to me, and now Ava did the exact same thing.”
"Okay. Wow. Walker, I'm so sorry.”
Walker closed his eyes and took another steadying breath. "What do I do now? I’m leaving soon. I want to say goodbye but, things between us are strained, to say the least. We haven't talked in days. I just feel," he paused. "Well, I don't really know how to feel. Angry, I guess. Betrayed."
Kendall stayed quiet for a minute, but he could tell by her breathing that she was still on the line.
“Just, let me process this for a second,” she said. “Did she say why she didn't tell you?”
"She said that she was afraid that I wouldn't react well.”
"Do you think she was right?” she asked.
Walker grimaced, staring into his coffee. "I mean, I wouldn't have jumped for joy about it, but I wouldn't have been angry, either. I mean, I was a little focused on the ranch, and I guess it would have surprised me. But I loved Ava. You know that.”
"I know,” she said.
"I would have been there for her,” he said.
Kendall agreed, "I know you would have.”
"She said she was scared, and then she lost the baby and couldn't face telling me any of it,” he said, trying to talk through her reasoning.
“But maybe the whole thing would have gone differently if I knew?” he wondered aloud. “I just wish she would have given me the chance to be there for her. I feel like she took something important away from me. I was almost a dad, and I never even knew about it. I didn't get the doctor's appointments or the finding out of the heartbeat.”
"I'm so sorry, Walker,” Kendall said sweetly. “I can't imagine how that would feel. I know how it makes me feel, and I'm not even the parent in this situation. It’s horrible.”
Walker could imagine Kendall staring out over her balcony at a beach in Thailand, Shane waiting for her to get off the phone so they could continue with their honeymoon, and suddenly he felt a shock of guilt for bringing this up in the first place.
He heard her inhale and exhale forcefully before she asked, "I guess the real question is what do you want to do?”
"I want to be with Ava,” he said.
"But?”
"But,” he continued, “I feel like I can't trust her. If she could keep this from me, what else could she keep?”
The line went silent again, but this time he could hear Kendall shuffling around before a loud door-click could be heard on her end.
"What she did was really wrong,” she began with an uneven tone. “It was selfish, and the way she handled everything was terrible and immature. She should have told you.”
"Thank you,” he said. It felt good to have someone else acknowledge it.
“I am going to tell you something I haven't told anyone,” she said.
Now it was Walker’s turn to feel uneasy. "Alright.”
"Before Shane and I got engaged, I kissed somebody else,” she said in a hushed, quiet tone.
"Wait, really?”
"It was the worst mistake I ever made,” she said firmly.
Walker hadn’t been expecting that. Kendall loved Shane—obnoxiously so. He would never guess that she would have put their relationship on the line like that.
“Why?” he asked.
"It was just a stupid mistake,” she said, and he knew there was no real defense coming.
She cheated for the same reason Leanne cheated, or why most people stray outside their relationship—because they can.
“Things were getting serious, and I didn't know if I wanted to settle down yet, you know?” she said, and Walker found himself in disbelief once more.
He thought Kendall had been itching to get married. He thought she was the one who forced Shane’s hand in the first place.
“I felt like I could see my whole life laid out before my eyes, and I didn't know if I was ready for it,” she continued. “Then I did that stupid, stupid thing.”
"Then why'd you accept his proposal?” he asked.
"Because after I did what I did, I realized that I was a complete idiot. Shane is the best thing that ever happened to me. After I said yes, the guilt killed me. All I wanted to do was celebrate, but I couldn’t even look at him. Then you told me that you were leaving Leanne because,” she paused. “Well, because of what she did, and all I could think was that Shane was going to leave me.”
It clicked for Walker then. That was the reason why Kendall had been so affected by his breakup with Leanne and why she had cried so hard.
"Did you tell him?” he asked.
"Yes,” she said, giving a verbal nod. “I told him.”
"And he forgave you?
He distinctly heard her lick her lips as she said, "He did.”
"Kendall, why are you telling me this?”
"Because I love Shane,” she said genuinely. “What I did was wrong, but I learned my lesson. I would never, ever, ever do that to him again. If anything, I appreciate him now more than I ever have in the past.”
"Big words,” he warned.
"And I mean every one of them,” she said. “Look, you know how I feel about Ava, but she made a mistake. She owned up to it because she wanted a fresh start with you, and I know for a fact that she was probably terrified to tell you. I know it hurts, but you have to decide if that pain is worth throwing away a relationship with someone who could very well be the one.”
"It's worth it," he said.
Kendall's tone brightened and she asked, "Are you sure?"
"More than I've ever been about anything."
"Well then," his sister said, "go get your girl."
Chapter Nineteen
Ava
When Jeremy left the country, Ava was heartbroken. But she was by no means lovesick. She felt shocked for a week, sad for another, and then she carried on with her life.
She was quickly discovering that life without Walker wasn’t going to follow the same pattern.
Ava was so lovesick that she felt a physical ache when she thought about Walker. She hated hurting him, and she hated the distance they were facing.
She wasn’t used to feeling sorry. Guilty, yes. But sorry? No. And she had to say, she wasn’t a fan of the feeling one bit.
Ava went to Tibby’s house for some much-needed girl talk. While she was more of a romantic than Ava, always looking for the storybook ending in any situation, Tibby often had good advice after a breakup.
But just like losing Jeremy couldn’t hold a candle to losing Walker, Tibby’s breakup advice also fell short.
"Life is the most exciting after a breakup!” her best friend beamed, hopping onto her couch with two root-berry teas.
Ava stared down into the pink liquid and sniffed it curiously. She took a polite sip and then nursed it in her hands, warming her palms on the fragrant beverage.
"Says the girl who cried for like two months straight after her last breakup,” Ava snorted.
“Yeah, it sucks,” Tibby nodded, fixing her dark hair behind her shoulders. "But it's also invigorating on some level, right? I mean, you accept offers to go do stuff with people you normally wouldn't and open up your social circle. You force yourself to go have these new experiences. Cut your hair! Dye it purple! Take a new job somewhere overseas, which I'm totally not advocating because I would miss you too much,
but you know what I'm saying.”
Ava smiled and shook her head. She curled into the corner of the suede sectional, and her eyes glazed over in thought.
"I know what you're saying,” she admitted. “But it's not like that this time, Tibby.”
"What do you mean?” her friend asked, posing curious eyes at her.
"I mean,” she said, her face going pink as the words dared to spill out of her mouth. “And don’t laugh, but I thought this was ‘it.’”
"You thought this was 'it' after like a month and a half?” Tibby repeated in surprise.
"Yes.”
Her friend’s mouth gaped. “I don't think I've ever heard you say anything like that before,” she stammered.
"That's because I've never felt this way about anyone before.”
"I'm sorry,” Tibby said sympathetically, rubbing a hand along Ava’s arm.
"Yeah, me too.”
"How long do you think he'll drag out the silent treatment?” Tibby asked.
"I don't know,” she said, pulling in a sigh. “How long did I do it to him?”
"A couple of months?" Tibby said with sympathetic humor. "He won't do that to you, Ava. If he's going to end it, he'll end it for real."
"Thanks," she said sarcastically. "That's super comforting."
"I aim to please," Tibby grinned.
Ava couldn’t spend as long as she’d hoped with her best friend. She had to finish a campaign before she was off for the New Year.
She drove the forty minutes up into the lodge in silence. Usually, she listened to music or a podcast she was particularly into, but this afternoon she just wanted to be alone with her thoughts and let the scenic beauty fill her soul with a peaceful reprieve.
Ava let her thoughts wander to the child she and Walker conceived together. If things had worked out differently, she would have a nearly six-year-old child. They would be in school and she wondered what the first day would have been like dropping them off at the front doors, crying and taking pictures like a proud mother.
She wondered what she would have been like as a mother. Would a nurturing demeanor kick in? Would she bake snacks and follow a maternal instinct, or would she be like a carbon copy of her own mother, expecting more than her child could offer?