Beautiful Ugly

by Shelia E. Bell

  “Preach, girl; tell her all about it.” Kacie wound a finger through her hair.

  Envy crooked her neck to the side, tilted her glasses down, and focused her gaze on Kacie. “I know you aren’t saying amen to anything. You probably have asked God for so much forgiveness for all the children you got that it’s one of the longest on God’s list of prayers to answer.”

  “Ha ha.” Kacie faked the laugh. “I could care less what any of y’all think. God knows my heart. And I am a Christian, so don’t try to judge me. And another thing…so what if I have children with no good daddies. It’s not my fault.”

  “Not your fault?” Envy bucked her eyes at Kacie. “Are you crazy? Don’t you know that if you’re going to mess around with every Tom, Dick, and Harry…and Harry’s brother, then you should at least use some form of birth control, stupid?” Envy’s anger was obvious. “Better yet, you need to stop having sex altogether ‘cause you know you’re a baby hatching machine.” Envy scorned her.

  “Look, we’re not here to argue, y’all,” interrupted Layla. “God knows we’re human and we’re carnal minded. I wasn’t trying to be judgmental anyway; all I was saying is that we need to exercise more control and discipline over our bodies. When Dennis asked me to have lunch today, I can tell you that I felt like I wanted to lie right on the concrete pavement and say, ‘Here I am, baby, signed, sealed delivered, I’m yours,’” Layla sang.

  The girls giggled again and calmness returned to the table.

  “That is too funny, Layla,” remarked Envy. “And Kacie, don’t take things so seriously. We’ve all done wrong, and we all have some dirt in our lives. I know I do. And maybe I don’t have kids and baby daddies running around, but I kid you not, like I said, I have had more than my share of sleeping partners.”

  “I can’t talk either,” Layla added. “Mike didn’t just come over once or twice a month for money.”

  Kacie and Envy appeared stunned. It was the first time they’d heard Layla admit that Mike came to see her for money.

  “I gave Mike money. He gave me sex. I hate what I became with him. Nothing more than a whore. And when he couldn’t use me anymore, he wanted to see me sprawled out on the pavement, dead.” Tears that crested in Layla’s eyes streamed down her face and on to the table.

  Envy teared up as well. “It’s all right, Layla.” The friends embraced her with love.

  “Yeah, you have needs too. And sometimes we get caught up when we don’t mean to. Next thing you know, we find ourselves in a vicious cycle with no idea of how to get out of it.” Kacie’s eyes darkened with emotion. “So don’t feel bad about yourself or what you’ve done. God has given you the strength to move past what happened with Mike.”

  “Yeah, and who knows? Dennis might be the one to show you the brighter side of life and maybe even love,” Envy encouraged her. “But whether he does or not really shouldn’t even matter because God has you, me, and Kacie. He loves us. That’s what Mrs. Rawlings tells me, and I believe it. I just wish I had better control over me.”

  “But today, there are very few people walking around who haven’t indulged in some form of sex outside of marriage. Even preachers. What do we do? Men don’t even want to fool with you unless you give up the booty,” Kacie said and plopped both hands on the table.

  Layla looked at Envy, then Kacie and said, “Thank, y’all. That’s why I love you two. You’re always here for me.”

  “And the same goes here,” Kacie remarked. “Which brings up what I wanted to tell you. But you have to promise that what I’m about to say doesn’t go outside of this room because no one other than the two of you will know about it until I decide to tell someone else.”

  “Okay, okay, you know you never have had to tell us to keep a secret so don’t act like you do now,” Envy reminded her and took a swallow of her cooler.

  Layla added, “Come on, tell us. I’m tired of the anticipation. When is the wedding?”

  “I hope it’s soon, but that’s not it.” Her eyes were radiant. She gracefully stood from her seat and looked at her friends. Sighing with a smile, Kacie said, “I’m thirteen weeks pregnant with Deacon’s baby.” She patted her belly lightly.

  Layla stared blankly at Kacie with her mouth open. Envy remained mute with a mask of stone replacing an earlier smile.

  “Okay? What’s wrong here? I don’t hear any congratulations.” Kacie strolled slowly around the table with her arms folded.

  “Congratulations? Fool, are you crazy or on drugs? Did you just hear what we were talking about? What is wrong with you? What makes you think me, or Layla for that matter,” Envy removed her eyeglasses and looked at Layla, “would even think of being happy about your butt being pregnant? You know what? You’re really a work of art. A stupid work of art at that.”

  Envy jumped up from the chair, threw her hands up in the air and turned toward the door. “Layla, you coming or what? Because I am not going to stay here and listen to this stupid, ignorant, fool one minute longer. Then she got the nerve to talk about God this and God that. You’re nothing but a hypocrite. An outright fool.”

  “Wait just a minute. Who are you calling a hypocrite and a fool?” Kacie stepped up in Envy’s face. “Just who do you think you are? You’re the last one that should be judging me or anybody else.”

  “Wait up, y’all.” Layla stood also and moved in the middle of the heated argument. Look, Kacie, all Envy is trying to say is that you and Deacon haven’t made a commitment to each other. What does he have to say about it? Is he going to marry you?”

  “I…I haven’t told him yet,” she said with her head slightly down.

  Envy chuckled hysterically. “I bet you haven’t. I want to know how long this so called man from God is going to hang around, let alone marry your crazy butt when he finds out you’re pregnant. I guess you don’t realize that forty-five percent of black women with children are unmarried? What makes you think you’re going to be the one that tilts the statistics, especially with your track record and with six million children growing up in single parent homes?” Envy spoke angrily. “You don’t even take care of the six that you already have. The taxpayers do,” she yelled.

  Layla chastised her softly. “Kacie, you need to tell Deacon. I mean, how do you know he wants a child? You have six kids, Kacie. Six.” Layla held up six fingers. “This just isn’t right. It wasn’t a wise decision on yours or Deacon’s part.”

  “I know how many children I have,” Kacie yelled back. “I don’t need y’all talking to me like I’m one of ‘em. Y’all don’t know what you’re talking about anyway. Deacon loves me, and we are going to get married. I’m telling him about the baby tomorrow. Then I want to see your cracked faces. Things are different this time. God sent me this man. He’s decent, he’s kind, and he treats me and my children well,” Kacie cried.

  Envy got even closer in Kacie’s face.”What do you call treating you well, Kacie? I guess you think treating you well means bringing you a sausage and biscuit sandwich when he comes over here in the morning for a quickie before he goes to work. And when has he ever tried to form a relationship with the kids you already have? What has he done to help with them or to take time to spend with them since he’s so good to you?” Envy jerked her hand back like she was about to strike Kacie. Kacie moved in closer, and as upset as she was, she almost lost her balance.

  “I’m so sick and tired of y’all bashing me and downing me. Just go. Get out of my house. Right now.” Kacie walked to the door and yanked it open.

  Envy rolled her eyes. “With pleasure. Let’s go, Layla.”

  Layla followed Envy in silence with tears in her eyes.

  “You’re pitiful, Kacie. And you have the nerve to give advice to Layla. Seems to me you need to look in the mirror and learn to love yourself for who you are and for how God made you.” Envy turned around and pounced out of the door. Layla followed.

  The sound of the door slamming behind them shook Layla’s nerves. Envy mumbled unmentionables.

  O
nce in the car and driving off, Envy couldn’t hold back her feelings about Kacie. “Layla, I know you want to be the nice and sensible one, but even you have to admit that the broad must’ve lost her marbles. Pregnant? This will make seven children, No father…or should I say fathers, in her case.”

  “I don’t understand her either. But I’m praying that Deacon really loves her. I hope to God that he wants this child.” Layla massaged her forehead with her hand. “This is too much to take in for me. I think Kacie has low self-esteem. It has to be hard living with the crippling effects of cerebral palsy. It has to be hard having to deal with the way some people stare at her. And she told us more than once how much kids used to tease her when she was growing up. Shoot, Envy, I don’t have cerebral palsy or a house full of kids, but I’m self conscious because I’m fat. Not just fat, but obese. And it hurts. It makes me feel bad.”

  “Your issue is totally different. You come from a family of obesity, which means your obesity can be inherited. But you can do something about it if you exercise, change your diet and work on yourself and your health. And that’s exactly what you’ve been doing. You should congratulate yourself for having lost weight. I know it came by means of a horrible crime against you, but you’re making it work for you, Layla. You’re not walking around like you used to do having a pity party. But Kacie having baby after baby by one man after another, does not do anything to improve her self-esteem issues. It makes her look like a slut, plain and simple. I don’t feel sorry for her anymore. And she’s sleeping with men as they say, in the raw and getting pregnant. Dang, Layla, she doesn’t care enough about herself to insist that he uses protection. It’s downright stupid. Aids and HIV and all other STDs are spreading like wildfire in the Black community.” Obviously disgusted, Envy shook her head, drew in a deep, unsteady breath, and pushed her eyeglasses up on her face.

  “We have to pray for her, Envy. Only God can help her.”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right, but God has His work cut out for Him.”

  Once they arrived at Layla’s apartment, the two of them sat silently in the car for seconds. “I guess I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Thanks for taking us to the play and for bringing me home.”

  “Yeah, sure,” remarked Envy sullenly.

  Layla and Envy got out of the car and Envy helped Layla with her packages. Envy sat the packages inside the door, and Layla closed the door and disappeared behind the door of her apartment.

  Envy attached her Bluetooth to her ear and dialed a number on her cell phone before pulling off and going in the direction of home.

  “Hey, what’s up?” Envy asked the person on the other end of the cell phone. “I need some company tonight. You game?” She listened at the reply from the person on the other end. “I thought you would be. Be at my place in forty five minutes,” she commanded and clicked her Bluetooth.

  Envy rushed home, walked Fischer, and checked on Mrs. Rawlings’s house one last time. Hopefully Mrs. Rawlings would be discharged tomorrow. After her tasks were done, Envy bathed and waited on her playmate for the night.

  ×

  In her room, Kacie flopped down on her bed and cried. Stains of scarlet swollen eyes magnified until the phone’s familiar ringtone.

  “Hey, sugar plum.” Deacon’s voice soothed her.

  “Hi.”

  “How was the play?”

  “Oh, it was good. Layla and Envy just left.” She sniffled. “They came over after the play and had a couple of coolers. I was just about to hit the sack. Unless you’re coming over here,” she managed to say while she wiped the last few tears from her eyes.

  “I wish I could, but I’m beat. It’s been a long day. I hung out with the boys, shot some hoops, and played a few rounds of pool, something I haven’t been able to do in quite a while. I just wanted to tell you that I miss you.” He sent a kissing sound over the phone.

  Kacie almost cried again. “I miss you too.” She paused. “Deacon?”

  “Yeah, baby?”

  Kacie hesitated. “I will see you tomorrow, won’t I?”

  “I plan on it. I have a meeting at the church at one o’clock, and then I have a few errands to run. So we’ll see how it goes. I told the boys I might meet them again tomorrow afternoon for a rematch at the hoops.” Deacon laughed.

  “Just call me and let me know. But first, I want to ask you something, and please don’t get upset,” Kacie added.

  “What is it?”

  “Deacon, we’ve been together almost five months, and I still haven’t been to your place, nor do I have your home number; just your cell.”

  “Baby, please don’t start this again.” His voice sounded disapproving of her questioning.

  “I’ve told you more than once that it doesn’t make sense for me to have a home phone. My cell phone is my home phone, my business phone and my social phone. As for visiting my apartment, I don’t see what the big deal is. But if it will make you happy, I’ll bring you over real soon. I don’t like it when you get upset with me,” he said in a tender voice.

  “You’re right, and I’m sorry for bringing it up. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

  “You must mean something about it, because you’re hassling me about it.” His voice turned from tender to rough. As for coming over to my place, I haven’t pushed that because of your kids. I know it’s hard getting a babysitter all the time. I don’t mind paying and you know I’ve done that several times. But why pay a babysitter when you have a nice place? And when the kids are asleep, hey, we make our own fun.” He removed some of the edge from his voice. “Do you really think I enjoy disappointing you time and time again? My job is so stressful, Kacie. I can’t seem to get from under it. I know this isn’t the time to tell you, but going out Friday night is off. I know you’re probably sick and tired of me making plans with you, and then having to go back and renege on them, but my boss insists that me, him, and two other executives spend Friday night and probably Saturday morning catering to three executives coming here from Japan. I didn’t want to tell you, especially when I call and you jump all over me. I know how much you wanted to go see that new play, and I’m sorry.

  “Deacon, everything you’ve said is right. Please, forgive me, baby. I’m just feeling lonely for you tonight. I should know better. You work hard and being an executive for a large corporation isn’t easy. It’s me. I’m being unreasonable.”

  “Look, I tell you what I’ll do.”

  “What?” Kacie asked in a sorrowful voice.

  “I’m going to fix dinner for you – at my place. Just give me a few days so I can make sure I don’t have to go out of town for work, or have anything that will interrupt us. Okay? Does that make my baby feel better?”

  “Oh, Deacon. Are you serious?” she asked happily.

  “Have I ever lied to you?” he asked.

  “No.”

  “Well, it is what it is,” he said. “I don’t ever want you to be angry with me. I promise I’ll try to do better. Just tell me that you forgive me.”

  Immediately, her uncertainty subsided. “I love you, Deacon. I love you so much. And I forgive you.” Relief filled her. She would show Envy and Kacie how wrong they were about Deacon.

  “I know you do, baby. Now look, I’m about to pull up to the apartment. I’m going to hit the shower and then jump in bed and dream about you. I want you to sleep well and have dreams about me too.”

  Kacie went to bed and almost on cue, she drifted off to sleep and began to dream about her and Deacon and their bundle of joy. He was with her in labor and delivery, encouraging her, wiping the sweat from her brow, kissing her face, and telling her over and over again just how much he loved and adored her.

  At her apartment, Layla prepared for bed. She felt mild effects from the wine cooler. Drinking was something she didn’t make a practice of doing, but having a cooler every now and then wasn’t a sin in Layla’s book. When she finished undressing, Layla noticed the flickering light on her answering machine. Unlike Kacie and Envy, she didn’t
own a cell phone. She had six messages. Three from her mother, calling to make sure she was doing all right, and one of the messages was to see if she had made it home yet. The fourth message was from her brother who said he was just calling to chat with her since he hadn’t talked to her in a few days. The fifth message was the choir director reminding her about the special choir rehearsal Saturday morning. But it was the last call that made her stumble and fall back on the bed, breathless with excitement.

  “Layla, hi. It’s Dennis. You know, the postman? I guess you’re probably out with your girls, or your man.” He snickered lightly into the receiver. “I hope you’re having a great time. I just wanted to let you know that I enjoyed talking to you today. Have a good night. And if you have caller ID, this is my home number that I’m calling from, so if you want to talk when you get in, hit a brother up. If you don’t, then I’ll understand. I hope to talk to you and maybe I’ll see you tomorrow. Sleep tight.”

  Layla hit the delete button five times, only saving Dennis’s message. She picked up the phone to dial his number, but had second thoughts. “I don’t want to come off like I’m desperate. I’ll talk to him tomorrow,” she said.

  Getting down on her knees, she prayed a prayer of thanksgiving and gratitude. She sent up a special prayer for her friends. When she climbed in the bed, she turned over and picked up the phone to let her mother know that she was safe and at home. Then she called her brother and talked to him for almost an hour until her eyes became droopy and her voice slurred from tiredness. Just before dozing off, she thanked God one last time before smiling herself to sleep.

  While Kacie was at home probably crying about Deacon, and Layla was enjoying the newness of having someone interested in her, Envy was at her apartment fighting off the psychological line her guest was trying to lay on her. She had her own faults…that much was true, but being stupid like Kacie, Envy was not. She was not about to be any man’s fool. She called the shots.

  “I don’t need you trying to get all serious with me. It is what it is,” Envy explained to her gentleman guest.