by Unknown
“Oh, yeah, that’s on a different page, hold on.” I started flipping through my binder. Those notes were from March. I found the page, pressed my index finger on the section he was looking for. “Right there.”
“Oh, awesome.” He pushed his finger against mine. I didn’t pull away.
I turned my head toward his. Our cheeks were almost touching. He kept his eyes down on the binder paper, while I gazed at his face, at the stubble on his chin, at the thickness of his lips. I paid close attention to my breaths; they got deeper with each exhale.
He still didn't look at me. He had to know I was staring. How could he not? Was he playing some kind of game with me? Or was he sincerely focused on his studies?
I had to say something. Had to burst the awful tension. “You, uhh…” I scooted away from him. “You want a drink of water or something?”
He still didn’t look at me. “No, I’m fine, thanks.”
“I’m pretty thirsty. I’ll be right back.”
I stepped toward the nearest drinking fountain, but didn’t make it all the way. I found a bookshelf that blocked me from Evan, and I slammed my back up against it. I shoved my fist against the closest book, hard, and breathed through my nose a few times. I tried to calm down. I was shaking, with fear, with love, with an insane desire for everything Evan.
“But he's taken,” I said.
By my roommate, of all people.
What the hell was wrong with me?
Chapter 10
By the time I regained composure, I realized I was thirsty after all. I took a few sips from the fountain, and wiped my chin clean.
A sense of dread swept over me as I headed back to Evan, like when I returned to the table he would be long gone. But I didn't have to worry; there he was, still flipping through my pages, still jotting down a flurry of notes.
He scratched his stubble, and looked up at me. “Hey,” he said, then averted his eyes back to the text.
“Hey.” I sat back down. It was obvious he wasn’t interested in me. Every time I thought he might have been, he ignored me enough to make it plain and clear: we’re just friends, dummy.
I grabbed my pen, and starred all the terms on my list I didn’t know yet. I sighed, quietly, and tried to focus.
We quizzed each other back and forth on some definitions, until a woman who appeared as old as the university itself stopped by our table and said, “Library’s closing.”
Evan helped me pack up, and we went out a side exit. We were two of the last students to leave the building.
Outside it was dead quiet, like Evan and I had all of LMU to ourselves. We turned onto the nearest sidewalk, and I glanced up at the night sky.
“Huh,” I said. “That's interesting.”
“What is?”
“Melanie said it was supposed to rain today. It never did.”
He followed my gaze, then kicked a small rock to the grass. “Guess we got lucky.”
We stopped at the edge of the sidewalk, where our paths were about to diverge. “So what are you gonna do now?” I asked.
“Nothing.” Evan put his arms over his head. “I think I’m just gonna crash.”
“You’re not going to that party?”
“Nah, probably not.” He took out his phone. “Mel hasn’t texted me, which usually means she’s having a good time. I’m just not really feeling it, you know?”
“No, I know. Trust me, I know.”
He laughed, and put his phone away. “Plus, I can't afford to wake up hung-over tomorrow. I've got too much studying to do.”
Evan looked so handsome under the bright moonlit sky. Confessing he had to skip a party in order to study made me want to wrap my arms around his back and jump his bones, right there in the open.
“Can I walk you back to your dorm?” he asked, finally.
“That sounds perfect,” I said.
We headed up the dirt trail behind the library, toward McCarthy Hall, and he stayed right next to me the entire time. I could have sworn he tried to grab my hand, but it was probably my imagination, yet again.
“So we still haven't talked about last night,” he said. “Are you and Mel okay?”
“We're fine,” I said. I bit down on my tongue in protest. I didn't want to talk about this. “I just panicked a little. It’s not a big deal.”
“Of course it's a big deal. This thing that happened to you in high school… it’s obviously something that’s still a part of you, Syd.”
I rubbed my hands together, enough to make them sweaty. “It is. I mean, it always will be. I should’ve died that night, Evan. Every day I’m here… it sounds super corny, but... it really is a miracle.”
“That’s not corny at all. You could’ve been paralyzed. God, you could've spent the next ten years in a coma or something.”
“I know. I’m really lucky. And that’s why college has been kind of hard for me... you know... fitting in. Especially when I go to parties. I look around, everyone’s getting wasted. And all I can think is, is someone gonna die tonight?”
“Oh God. You really think that?” Evan asked.
I nodded. “I mean, I don’t want to think it. I want to go to a party and have fun like everyone else. I hope one day I'll be able to, down the road, but I just can't yet. Last night it happened, all over again. That's partly why I fainted. I kept waiting to hear two cars crash in the street. I kept waiting to hear the sirens.”
“But... you can't...” He shook his head real fast, and made a funny clicking noise with his tongue. “At the end of the day, you have such little power. I mean, millions of people are out drinking right now. You can’t keep an eye on every one of them.”
“No, I know. But...” I shrugged. “I can try!”
We both laughed, as we reached the top of the hill. We made a left at the first sidewalk, and kept heading toward the dorms.
“I just try to appreciate every day, you know?” I said. “Every little moment, every… conversation.”
Evan looked down at the ground, stuffed his hands in his pockets. Finally: “I wish Melanie was like you.”
“Like me?”
“I mean, like that.” He said it fast. “I wish she'd appreciate every day. I try to be that way, the best I can, but I don’t think she stops to appreciate much of anything anymore.”
“Not anything?”
“Well... certainly not me.”
“What? That's not true.” I dipped my head back, tried to look into his eyes and imagine what he was thinking. “I mean, I know you guys said you were having some problems, but...”
“It’s not so much problems, as we’re starting to drift. She kisses me now, and it’s like she’s kissing her brother or something. And we spend time together, but all we seem to do lately is talk. About nothing.”
So he and Melanie weren't having sex anymore? I really wanted that to be my next question.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said, instead. “Isn’t that to be expected, though? You’ve been dating a year, that's a long time! You’re gonna have your highs and lows eventually, right?”
“Yeah. I guess. But... I don't know. I’m not even sure if she remembers our anniversary's coming up.”
I debated not telling him, but I knew I had to. “She did,” I said. “You don’t have to worry about that.”
“How do you know?”
“I live with her, Evan. I just do.”
He pounded his arms together like they were battering rams. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m dumping all this on you.”
“You’re not. It’s fine.” More silence. One question had been brewing, for a minute, at least. Not the one about the sex; this was the most important question of all. “Do you…” I hesitated.
“What?”
“Do you still love her?”
He hesitated, too, even longer than I did. “I don’t know.”
And then he stopped. At first I didn’t know why, but then I glanced over my right shoulder, to see the entrance to McCarthy Hall.<
br />
“Oh,” I said. “Here we are.”
“Here we are,” he repeated.
We stood behind a pair of palm trees, which hid us from the main path, and any potential students walking by. We were not just hidden, though; we were totally alone.
It was my cue to walk over to the main door and head inside, but my feet didn’t budge. I really, really didn’t want this night to end.
“So did you want to meet up again tomorrow and do some studying, or…” My words trailed off, when Evan took my hand. He stepped closer to me.
“Your hand is so cold,” he said.
I stared at his neck for a moment—that’s where my eye level was. I was afraid to look up. I was terrified, and crazy fucking excited. I breathed in, through my nose. He smelled of cinnamon, of fresh-baked snickerdoodle cookies.
“I must be cold blooded,” I said, and finally gazed into his eyes.
He smiled, and brought both his hands up to my shoulders.
“Evan?” I turned away. “What are you doing?”
He leaned his head down and brushed his lips against my cheek. His mouth hovered over my ear. “Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about it.” Then he kissed me, lightly, on my neck.
My knees buckled. If Evan hadn't been pushed up so close to me, I would have collapsed to the ground.
“Oh my God… Evan.”
He wrapped his arm around my back, and pulled me even closer.
I wanted this. I wanted this so much. I’d been dreaming about it since the moment I first laid eyes on him, way back in English 101, freshman year.
But it didn't feel right. Not with my roommate still in the picture. Not with their anniversary just days away. I wanted Evan completely, but not like this.
He stared into my eyes. Touched his fingers against my chest.
“Evan…” I said.
He smiled, and moved his lips toward mine. “Sydney…”
I pulled away. A small raindrop touched the top of my head. “Whoa, what?” I looked up. "Did you just feel that?”
“Huh? Feel what?”
“I think it’s…” I didn’t even have to finish my sentence. The rain started coming down hard, and fast.
“Oh crap,” Evan said.
“Run!” I shouted, and we both raced around the trees, over to the front of McCarthy Hall.
The rain pelted the ground so hard that by the time I found cover under the canopy, I was drenched with rain from head to toe. Evan joined me at my side, just as soaked as I was. I pointed at him, and we both started laughing.
“I guess Melanie was right, after all,” I said.
He nodded, as he patted his hands against his ruined jacket and jeans. “Yeah, I guess she was.” He reached his hand toward mine again, but he didn’t try to touch it. He had to know as well as I did that our little moment had passed.
“Did you…” Evan started.
“Did I what?”
He bit down on his lower lip, like he wasn't sure if he was allowed to ask it. “Did you want me to walk you to your room?”
I sighed. Of course I did. I wanted it more than anything.
But I knew he couldn't. I shook my head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Evan. I think I’m just gonna go to bed.”
He nodded, real fast, and said, “All right.”
I put my card in the slot. Pushed the door open. “I’ll see you later, okay?”
I entered the building and let the door shut behind me. When I reached the other side of the entrance hall, I turned around and waved. He was still outside, still in the cold, still with the rain to contend with. He waved back, with little enthusiasm. He turned around, put his jacket over his head, and started running back down the hill.
I pushed the elevator button. I usually took the stairs, but I was too depressed to perform any real exercise.
“It was the right thing,” I said, as I rode up. I rambled to myself, on and on, and paced back and forth. “No, that was definitely the right thing. Not while she’s your roommate, Sydney. Come on. If he really likes me, he'll just... he'll break up with her. Yeah. That's what he'll do.”
I took a deep breath, and slammed my fist against the wall, twice. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw his cheeks, his dimples, those wanting lips—so I kept them open. I headed down the third floor hallway, and entered my dorm. It was pitch black inside.
“Melanie?” I asked.
No answer. She hadn't come home early. She was still at the party—as I expected.
I didn’t brush my teeth, or wash my face. I just curled up on my bed, and stared at the bunk above me.
Evan liked me. I kept thinking it over and over again.
I’m not sure how long I stayed awake. I tossed and turned, tried to clear my head, to no avail. Evan wanted me. I wanted him. But it wasn’t right. Would it ever be right?
I finally dozed off, sometime after midnight, but I didn’t sleep all the way to morning. Something woke me up. The door opening. A loud thud.
I opened my eyes. The room was all fuzzy.
“Hello?” I said. I blinked a few times. “Melanie? Is that you?”
“Uhh, yeah,” she said, softly, from above. She didn't sound too good.
“Hey. How was the party?”
“Fine,” she said, after a few seconds of silence. Her voice sounded not just tired, but dejected, like something bad had happened. I decided not to interrogate her, though; it was 3:30 in the morning.
“Well… goodnight,” I said.
I sort of had to pee, but didn’t have the energy to get up. I laid my head back against the pillow, and fell asleep.
Chapter 11
We were soaked, standing on opposite sides of the elevator. His white shirt was see-through, and his tight pants looked too uncomfortable to bear.
Evan circled me, inspected every inch of my naked body, and struck his fist against the EMERGENCY button. He pressed his chest against my back, ran his fingers down the crease of my ass. When he started kissing me on the back of my neck, I let out a loud moan.
“Evan… stop…”
“Oh God... Sydney…”
“Stop, it isn’t right...”
“I know,” Evan said. “That's what makes it so fun.”
He whirled me around, gazed into my eyes. We locked our lips together, as I sunk my fingernails into his lower back. I pulled him across the empty elevator, and pushed him up against the wall. I removed his wet shirt, and unbuttoned his jeans. I pushed my hands against his boxer briefs, against his hard-on.
“Oh my God,” Evan said, as he breathed against my shoulder. “That feels so good.”
I dropped to my knees, pulled down on his jeans, and started kissing the adorable tuft of hair beneath his navel.
He pulled me back up to my feet, kissed me on the lips again, and said, “You know how much I love you?”
I let out a deep breath, and readied my answer. But he didn't give me time to respond.
He kissed me even harder. His back glided up against all the buttons, and the elevator shook for a second.
Then it started to drop.
But I didn’t mind; neither of us did. The elevator started plummeting all the way to the ground, and I still pulled Evan to the floor, still wrapped my legs around his back. I pulled his boxers off, and then he slammed his body against me so hard I thought I would break.
“I want you,” he said. “I want you now—”
The elevator struck the bottom floor, and we both launched up against the ceiling.
“Evan!” I screamed.
I flung myself up and struck my forehead against Melanie's top bunk. The pain was immediate. I sat back down, and brought my hand to the top of my head.
“Oww...” I said.
I looked around. I was not in an elevator. I was back in the bedroom. Rightly thrown out of an impossible dream.
The sunshine from the window almost blinded me, so I pressed my head back down against my pillow. The room was dead silent; I didn't hear any mo
vement from up top. Either Melanie was still sound asleep, or she was already out the door and making the most of a new day.
I reached down beside the bed for my phone, and glanced at the time.
“Oh whoa,” I said. It was already 11:30 AM.
There was a text from Lukas, too. He was already in the library. I jumped out of bed, stretched for a minute. I looked out the window. The clouds and rain were gone. It was beautiful out, a perfect day not to sit in a library studying, surrounded by textbooks and binders and huge stacks of index cards—but such was my life.
“Just a few more days,” I said.
And then summer.
I walked to the bathroom door and knocked. “Melanie? You in there?” No answer. I went inside and hopped into the shower.
When I showed up at the library a few minutes past noon, I found Lukas sitting by himself at a circular desk, three books sprawled out in front of him, his fists shoved up against his cheeks, and his eyes bright red; he had already been studying for four hours. We quizzed each other on sociology for a bit, but I knew pretty soon after I arrived that he needed a break, so we grabbed a snack at the cart out front, and took a short walk around the quad. We talked about our new place, about all the fun things we were going to do this summer. We didn’t bring up Evan at all.
I didn’t really want to tell anyone, most especially Lukas, about what happened last night. I needed time to think it over. Was Evan ever going to break up with Melanie? I hoped he would, and I hoped he wouldn’t. I was so conflicted, and I was grateful when Lukas stuck to other topics, even though I had forced him to leave the library early the night before. It was almost as if he knew I didn’t want to discuss anything Evan, like he could literally read my mind.
We studied the rest of the afternoon, took a short break for dinner, then returned to the library for some last minute cramming. By the time we departed at 10 PM I was so exhausted I could barely walk. My brain was so fried, so jammed with information, I didn’t know if I’d remember my own name in the morning.
I walked into my dorm and sat down on my bed. I stretched out my arms and legs, and let out a loud yawn. Even though I’d only been up for eleven hours, I was ready to go right back to sleep.