by Joy Redmond
One Saturday night, Carnikko was about to doze off when she felt the urge to pee. She slipped off the cot, careful not to step on the boys, and made her way to the outside door, leaving it ajar. She tiptoed down the dimly lit hallway to the bathroom.
The door was partly open, but she knocked just in case. Nobody answered, so she went in and shut and locked the door. She reached for the string and pulled it, but the bulb flickered, then blew out. She felt her way in the darkness, found the commode, and did her business. She held her hands in front of her and found the door, unlocked it, pulled it open, and gasped.
A tall, naked man with a tattoo of a snake on his right arm was standing in front of her. Before she could catch her breath, he grabbed her head, pulled her hair, pushed until her knees buckled, then pulled her head between his legs. She felt something swipe across her mouth and the smell made her gag.
She beat her fist against his thighs, but he continued to rub his penis across her lips. As she struggled, she felt something wet and sticky hit her cheek, then it ran into one corner of her mouth. She gagged and felt her stomach churn, but at that moment, the man groaned and he loosened the grip on her hair.
She managed to place her hands on his thighs, reared her head back, and with all her strength, she head-butted him in the groin. He staggered, and fell against the door frame.
Carnikko jumped up and raced down the hall, hurried into the apartment, and stood with her back against the door, trembling. She didn’t lock it for fear that Daddy would get mad, and Ellie would slap her silly.
She wondered if she should tell Daddy about the nasty man when he got home, then she figured Daddy would kill the man and have to go to jail, which meant she and her brothers would have to live with Ellie, and they’d never be fed or have any clean clothes. The dirty deed would have to be filed with her other secrets.
She made her way over to the sink, turned on the tap, then stuck her face under the water and using her hand she scrubbed her face as hard as she could. Then she stuck her mouth under the tap, caught the water, swished it around in her mouth and spit. The taste and smell was worse then ether, and she was sure she was going to throw up. She continued to rinse and spit until the horrible taste left. Her stomach calmed down and she was thankful that she hadn’t puked in the sink. That would have raised questions that she didn’t want to answer.
She raised her head and wiped her face on the hem of the T-shirt. She was terrified the man might come busting through the door and do something else nasty to her. She moved over to the stove, fumbled over the burners, and found a butcher knife. Gripping it tightly, she crossed the floor, and crawled into the cot. She lay trembling, clutching the butcher knife, thinking that if the man came in after her, she’d cut his guts out. “I’ll gut him like a fish,” she mumbled to herself in the darkness.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
The next morning, Don shook Carnikko’s shoulder and said, “Wake up. Me and Lee are goin' out to find bottles. You know Daddy and Ellie won’t get up for a long time. They never do on Sunday, and we’re hungry.”
Carnikko sat up, rubbed her eyes, swung her legs off the cot, but spasms squeezed both calves. “Oh!” she moaned and she paced back and forth across the cold linoleum floor. “My legs hurt. You go on. I ain’t hungry anyway.” She sat back down on the cot, rubbing her calves.
Lee patted Carnikko’s arm and said, “I’m sorry your legs hurt, Sissy. I’ll bring ya back a candy bar if we get enough bottles. Sunday’s the best day to find beer bottles and they fetch the most money.”
“Okay,” Carnikko mumbled, fighting back her tears.
As soon as the boys left, she remembered that she still had the butcher knife in her hand when she fell asleep. She looked at her paper-thin blanket and mumbled, “No wonder I’m so cold at night and my legs hurt when I wake up in the mornin'. This thing ain’t enough to keep a worm warm.”
She picked up the knife and put it back on the stove. She’d file the naked man away with all her other secrets and nobody would ever know. Shame filled her. Had she sinned again?
Just as she had the knife in place, she heard Emily begin to cry. She filled a bottle with milk, slipped quietly into the bedroom, and gave it to the baby. Emily was soaking wet, as usual, but Carnikko knew better than to try to change her because Ellie might wake up.
Emily dropped down onto the wet mattress and started sucking her bottle as Carnikko pulled a blanket over her. Then she crept back into the kitchen, sat on the cot, and wiped away her tears. She needed to pee badly, but she wasn’t about to go back to the bathroom down the hall. She’d pee into a pan, throw it out the window, and drown a few rats before she’d do that.
She stood and paced the kitchen, then she remembered a different set of stairs at the far end of the hall. Maybe they led to the apartments beneath them.
She pulled her dirty dress over her head, slipped on her shoes, and hurried down the hallway. Then she crept down the staircase and tiptoed down a hallway that was brightly lit with sunshine coming through an outside door with a glass pane at the top. Halfway down the hall, she saw a door ajar, so she peeked in. It was a bathroom! She hurried inside and locked the door. It was just as filthy as the one upstairs, but it had a window, which somehow made it better.
When she was done, she hurried back toward the stairs, but just as she began to climb, a spasm gripped her right leg, forcing her to sit on a step and rub it. As she rubbed, she prayed, “Please, God, take me to my special place. Purple Angel left me and I can’t grow wings no more, but you could take me there. I can’t stand no more.”
“What be the matter, baby?” she heard a strange voice say.
Carnikko wondered if God was speaking to her. If it was God, then He had a woman’s voice. Again, the voice said, “Why you be cryin’ so hard, baby?”
Carnikko jerked her head up and looked to her right. She was staring at the tallest, fattest, blackest woman she’d ever seen. She wondered if she should run away or whether she should just scoot to the side of the stairway so the woman could pass.
“Don’t be a-feared, baby,” the woman said, smiling warmly. “Miz Mattie won’t hurt ya.” Then she held her arms wide open and sweetly said, “Come to Miz Mattie, baby, and tell me ꞌbout yer troubles.”
Carnikko stood, part of her wanting to run into Miz Mattie’s arms, while another part of her wasn’t sure if she should hug a strange woman—and especially a strange black woman. She stood frozen as Miz Mattie wiggled her fingers in silence, as if to tell her it was okay.
In spite of her trepidation, Carnikko walked down the two steps and headed toward the welcoming arms. Miz Mattie’s huge arms enfold her and drew her close. She bent down and her huge pendulous breasts rested on top of Carnikko’s head, reminding the child of Mammaw’s large breasts that always felt like feather pillows when she nestled between them. Carnikko closed her eyes, hugged tightly, and for a moment she felt as if she was back in Mammaw’s arms. It felt so good.
When she felt Miz Mattie’s embrace loosen a bit, Carnikko looked up and saw the kindness in Miz Mattie’s eyes. Miz Mattie was bigger than Grandma. And Daddy always said that Grandma was an Amazon. Whatever that was.
Carnikko saw Miz Mattie look down at her, a waif-like child with dirty hair and face and even dirtier clothing. She sensed that Mis Mattie knew there was something in her sad eyes, and they told her she’d been hurt badly.
“Okay, chile,” she said tenderly, “tell Miz Mattie why ya be cryin'. Why’s yo lil’ heart breakin'?”
The warmth of Miz Mattie’s body and the gentleness in her voice took away Carnikko’s fears. She leaned into Miz Mattie’s embrace again, and sobbed, “Oh, Miz Mattie, I’m so hungry and my legs hurt and my step-mama hates me and I can’t grow wings no more and I don’t get to go to heaven and see Mama and Evan no more and I want to see Mammaw and Aunt Lou and—”
With that, she ran out of breath, and Miz Mattie took the opportunity to say softly, “I ain’t sho I understood all that, baby, but i
t’s gonna be okay. Where do ya live, chile?”
“I live up there,” Carnikko said, pointing her finger toward the top of the stairs, tilting her head in a way that exposed the dirty rings around her neck.
“Well, you just come on in Miz Mattie’s place. I’ll feed ya and rub yo achin' legs.”
Carnikko took Miz Mattie’s hand and followed her through a door and into a small kitchen where she saw five children sitting around a table. “Childrens, meet yo neighbor. She lives upstairs,” Miz Mattie said sweetly as all her children smiled broadly.
The children were eating and a delicious aroma permeated the kitchen. “You sit down and I’ll fix ya a bowl of bean soup,” Miz Mattie said, gently pushing Carnikko toward the table. “I got a cornpone baked, too.”
Carnikko sat on the edge of a chair, sharing it with a girl who looked to be about her own age. The other four children were boys, some older and some younger, and the youngest was in a highchair.
The girl smiled and said, “My name be Yolanda. What yers?”
As Yolanda rubbed her hand up and down Carnikko’s arm as if she’d never felt white skin before, she said, “My name is Carnikko.” Oh, goshdangit. I forgot to say, Nikko, she reprimanded herself as soon as her real name came out of her mouth. She waited for them to giggle, but none of them did.
“Why, that be a beautiful name, chile,” Miz Mattie said.
Yolanda said, “Yeah, Mama, it sho is.”
Carnikko smiled, feeling happier than she’d been since—she couldn’t remember when. These black people were nicer than most of the white people she’d met since Mama died. She couldn’t imagine them doing nasty things or being mean to her. For the first time since she’d entered the apartment building, she felt something besides evil and hopelessness. She felt love.
Miz Mattie set a bowl of soup in front of Carnikko, saying, “Here ya go, baby, eat up!”
Carnikko reached for a piece of cornpone cut in wedges, like Grandma used to cut pieces of pie. It looked like cornbread, but Miz Mattie called it cornpone. She took a bite and was happy to find that it tasted like cornbread. She finished the soup and Miz Mattie encouraged her to eat two more pieces of cornpone.
Carnikko happily wolfed down two more pieces. Her stomach was so full she hoped she wouldn’t bust open. She wiped her mouth on the back of her hand, and said, “I wanna thank ya, Miz Mattie, but I better be goin'.”
She pushed away from the table, stood, and straightened her dress, embarrassed by how dirty it was, but Yolanda grabbed her hand and said, “Don’t go yet. I got some Old Maid cards. Do ya wanna play?”
“Okay,” Carnikko said, looking around the apartment, which was considerably larger than Daddy’s.
There was a living room with a couch, two chairs, and a coffee table, and there were bedrooms on either side of a hallway. They went into one bedroom, where Yolanda pulled open the top drawer of a chest, picked up the cards, and said, “I got some paper-dolls too. They be purdy when ya put dresses on ꞌem.”
Carnikko scanned the bedroom, seeing two sets of bunk beds and two small chests. “Do ya have a bathroom in yer apartment?”
“Nah, we hafta use the one out in the hall,” Yolanda said, taking Carnikko’s hand and leading her back into the living room.
As they walked, Carnikko saw cockroaches scurrying across the floor. They probably had rats too, she reasoned, but at least Miz Mattie’s apartment was clean. Clean as a whistle, as Mammaw always said.
Yolanda and Carnikko sat on the floor and played cards as Miz Mattie watched, laughing when one of them drew the Old Maid. After a few minutes, Miz Mattie asked, “How old are ya, chile?”
“I’ll be nine the fourteenth of November,” Carnikko stated, as if nine was a grownup age.
Miz Mattie clapped her hands and laughed as she said, “Lawdy, Miss Clawdy! I do believe we have a birthday girl in de house. Today’s yo birthday, baby!”
“You mean today I’m nine years old?” Carnikko asked, wondering why Daddy hadn’t mentioned it.
“Ya sho is, baby, and we’re gonna do somethin' ꞌbout that,” Miz Mattie said, pushing her large bulk up off the couch and heading toward the kitchen. She called over her shoulder, “Yer gonna have yo’self a birthday cake. I ain’t got nothin' to make icin' wif, and we got no candles, but yer sho nuff gonna have a cake.”
Miz Mattie came back into the living room after she had put the cake in the oven. Yolanda and Carnikko were playing with the paper dolls, and Carnikko noticed that everyone’s eyes were on her. Miz Mattie was watching her every move, the boys were hanging around her like they thought she was pretty, and Yolanda didn’t want her out of her sight. It was nice to feel like someone cared.
In spite of herself, she began to talk, and it was as if someone had switched on a radio. She told them her entire story, including how she had been hungry and cold most of her life and how God had sent them food and coal just when it looked like they were all about to die.
She told about the night they got off the Greyhound bus and just as they started to cross the road, she had seen bright lights in her face, then felt Mama jerk her back, then she woke up, first in a muddy ditch, and then in the hospital.
She had their full attention, so she continued, and told how she had almost choked to death on the ether and how she thought she was going to puke up her toenails after the operation was over.
She told them about her first taste of a Co’Cola. She stood and waddled back and forth across the floor, demonstrating how she had learned to walk after the cast was taken off, which made everyone laugh, hoot, and holler.
She also told them about Purple Angel and her special place, embellishing a little to make it sound even more wondrous. She made up a jewelry tree loaded with rubies, diamonds, pearls, and she threw in a money tree with hundred dollar bills hanging on every branch.
She told them about visiting Mama and Evan in heaven, too, and when she finally began to wind down, Miz Mattie smiled, shook her head, and said, “Lawdy, chile! Ya sho have a goot ‘magination. Ya say ya had a purple angel who give ya wings so ya could fly?”
“Yesꞌm,” Carnikko said. “She’s my twin sister who didn’t get big enough to be born, so she came back as a purple angel, but I’m the only one who can see ꞌer.” Then Carnikko paused a moment as she felt tears welling. She fought her tears and continued. “But she don’t come around no more for some reason. I ain’t figured out why yet.”
Miz Mattie said softly, “Uh-huh, and ya go to heaven and visit yo mama and lil’ brother?”
“I sure do. I can’t hear Mama talk like I hear you, but somehow I can feel what she’s sayinꞌ. She always tells me that she and Evan are happy, and that makes me happy, but I still miss them somethinꞌ terrible.”
Yolanda tugged on Carnikko’s arm. “Ifꞌn ya went to heaven, did ya see God and Jesus, and is they white or black?”
“Nah, I ain’t never seen God or Jesus,” Carnikko replied. “I just see Mama and Evan.”
“Then you’s lyin',” Yolanda said firmly. “Ifꞌn ya was really in heaven, ya woulda seen God and Jesus.”
“I did to go to heaven!” Carnikko insisted, “and I did see Mama and Evan!” Her face reddened and she had the urge to bust Yolanda, even if she was her new best friend. She didn’t hold to anybody calling her a liar.
Miz Mattie grabbed Yolanda’s arm, swung her around, and said sternly, “If Carnikko says she went to heaven and seen her mama and brother, and ifꞌn it makes her happy, ya shut yo big mouth and believe ꞌer!”
Willy, the oldest boy, took Carnikko’s hand, and said, “I believe ya. I think Yolanda just needs her black ass whooped.”
“Willy, you watch yo mouth or yer gonna be the one gettin' an ass-whoopin'!” Miz Mattie said. “Now I don’t want nobody to say ‘nother word ’bout it, ya hear me?”
All the children nodded and silence fell over the room.
Miz Mattie again heaved her enormous body up from the couch, announcing, “I think that cake should be �
��bout ready.”
Everyone followed her into the kitchen, where she slipped on an oven mitt, removed the cake from the oven, and set the cake on top of the stove.
“Okay, childrens. We gotta give it a few minutes to cool off. In the meantime, wash yo hands,” said Miz Mattie, turning on the tap in the kitchen sink.
When the cake had cooled, Miz Mattie turned the pan upside down, shook it a few times, and the cake slid onto a dish. Then she put the cake in the middle of the table, laughed heartily, and said, “Okay, here’s forks for all of ya, so just dig in. I don’t see no use in dirtyin' up a bunch of plates, since there ain’t gonna be nothin' left anyways.”
Carnikko hadn’t even swallowed a whole bite before she scooped up another piece. With her mouth still full, she said, “This is the best chocolate cake I ever ate. It’s better than Mammaw’s! Miz Mattie, you must be the best cook in the whole world!”
Chapter Thirty
When the last crumb of the cake was gone, Carnikko figured she needed to go back upstairs. She hoped Daddy wasn’t looking for her. If the boys were still out hunting for bottles, Daddy would think she was with them, but if they were back already, she didn’t know what he’d say or do.
She remembered how Daddy was quick at thumping the boys on the head, which made them holler like a dog with its tail full of buckshot. Would Daddy thump her one?
Carnikko hugged Yolanda, thanked Miz Mattie again, then hurried out the door. She raced up the stairs and then peered around the corner—where she saw the man with the snake tattoo on his right arm. She froze in her tracks, and as her body trembled, she saw that he was carrying a box and another man behind him was carrying a bigger box. They were making signals with their free hands.
She watched them walk down the hall, turn, and take the stairs that led outside. She remembered Daddy saying something about two deaf mutes who lived down the hall. Were those two men deaf mutes?