When I walk into my house, the smell of mom’s homemade chili invades my nostrils, and it gives me the worst case of nostalgia ever. Shit, I miss my mom.
“Hey Jo, it smells like heaven in here.” I joke, thinking forlornly that I should have chosen different words given what today is.
When she speaks, she is half smiling and half frowning. “That was the point. I just needed a little bit of her today. Chili was her favorite.”
My dad clears his throat, walking into the kitchen. “Actually, chili was my favorite and your momma just liked to make this old man happy.” He says playfully, pulling on Joey’s ponytail and clapping me on the shoulder.
“I take it you found Riley?” my dad asks me with the biggest grin on his face. He knows how I feel about her.”
He would always say, “It’s not a matter of if son. It’s a matter of when she finally sees the light.”
I shake my head at his good nature on today of all days. “Yeah, same place as usual on this day, both cursing and missing her dad. I just wish she would stop blaming herself for what he did,” I say frowning.
I head to the fridge and pull out a can of Dr. Pepper, pop the tab and take a sip. My dad sneaks a taste of Joey’s chili and gives her a thumb up. She smiles proudly but swats his hand away giggling.
My dad sits at the table with me as I read a text that just came in.
Collin: PARTY TONIGHT MY PLACE. U IN?
I send a quick reply,
Me: NOT 2NITE CHILLIN WITH THE FAM
My dad folds his hands under his chin looking deep in thought. “I am sure it’s rough for her, son. Evan and Claudia were always fighting, and people in this small town talk.”
“I know that dad, but she didn’t get in that car. She didn’t make that decision, but she stills feels like she needs to punish herself for what he did. She apologizes to me every year. I just wish she knew that when I look at her, I don’t even think about what I lost. I mean...it sucks, but she is still my Riley from when we were kids. You know? She’s not just the daughter of a drunken man that accidentally veered mom off the side of the road. I wish she wouldn’t let that day define her.” I didn’t mean to say all of that out loud. My phone vibrates in my hand.
Collin: NEED A DISTRACTION HEAD ON OVER
On second thought, a distraction sounds appealing. Riley did say Dean was stopping by later. Options: sit in bed and think about what they are doing next door, or go to a party and erase those thoughts. Option two sounds more appealing to me.
Me: MAYBE I’LL STOP BY
He replies right away.
Collin: HEADS UP...A CERTAIN FEMALE IS HERE AND ASKING ABOUT YOU
I’m pretty sure I am more fucked up than I realized, because reading that text makes me want to stay away. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up the charade that I have been playing. I don’t have girlfriends. I go out with a girl a few times and when things start to head into the direction of a relationship, I put on the brakes and step out. I have a rep of being a player, guys just assume, and people see what they want to see. I am sure as shit not going to tell anyone that I’m not who they think I am, and to announce myself as a virgin would be social suicide.
It’s not that I’m saving myself for marriage, or that I am against the whole idea of it. It’s just that, I’ve never been with a girl that makes me want to share that with them. Trust me, it’s not that I don’t want to have sex. I am a hormonal eighteen-year-old guy for fuck’s sake. I most definitely want to, but the only girl that has ever stirred up those thoughts is with someone else.
So when Preslee cornered me a few weekends ago at one of Collin’s parties, I entertained the idea a little, and she got the wrong idea. Of course, it didn’t help that I took her to dinner and a movie either.
I have no intentions of ever giving it to her. There is a reason she gets invited to Collin’s parties. Besides—horny or not—she isn’t the girl I want, and God, how I want Riley in all kinds of dirty ways. It kills me knowing she has been with Dean for two fucking years. Who dates for two years and not cross that line? Even though I know it’s not logical, in my mind she is still pure and innocent. Imagining it any other way makes me want to punch shit—mostly him.
Me: NAH DUDE I’M DONE WITH THAT
Collin: YOU’RE CRUEL LOL
Yep that’s me…cruel. Use ‘em and lose ‘em, that’s what they all think.
“Did you hear me, Josh?” Joey slaps the back of my head.
“What? Ow, no, what?”
“I said, you should just tell her how you feel.”
“I agree with your sister. It’s time you stop running circles and just shoot it straight.” My dad pats my shoulder, kisses my sister's cheek and leaves the kitchen. Shoot it straight? I wonder if he would be so open to me shooting it straight when I tell him that I decided last week at the sports banquet that I really don’t want to play anymore. That’s another beast to battle later.
I sigh, thinking about what I would say, what I would do? She has a boyfriend.
“Jo, she has a boyfriend. Not that I care too much for Dean, but she does. I’m not trampling on something she’s obviously comfortable with.” The words sting coming out of my mouth because I know Dean doesn’t deserve Riley. He manipulates her, and his eyes wander when she isn’t looking.
Joey turns around, wringing her hands in front of her. “Look, I probably shouldn’t say anything, but I’m going to anyway…only because you’re my brother, and I love you, and because I think you are wasting time. And well, we know that time is precious and not promised to us, so just hear me out. Okay?”
I nod.
“You love her, and whether she admits it or not, she loves you too. I think she just doesn’t let herself because of what happened, like she doesn’t think she can or should. It makes sense to her. And as far as Dean goes...well, I might be spreading the gossip but...a little birdie with inside information had told me that he and Riley have been fighting a lot lately. Also, that he stormed out a few days ago, hasn’t called or been by the house since.”
She takes a deep breath. “There...I said it. Take what you want from it. I mean...what do I know? I’m only fourteen, but I am a girl, and I know what I see in Riley’s eyes when she looks at you. I also know that she doesn’t look at Dean like that.”
Ok, well now I’m curious. Joey spends a lot of time next door with Riley’s sister Tatum—best friends since birth—born exactly one month apart. She has seen Riley and Dean interact within that house. I stay away when he is over.
“How does she look at him?” I ask her, not entirely sure I want to know the answer.
She shakes her head. “Like she is confused, like he is this weird puzzle she can’t figure out, like he doesn’t make sense. It’s odd really. Sometimes, she just has her head tilted when he walks away, like she can’t decide something about him. She doesn’t look at you like that. Never has.”
Hmmm… Interesting. I’ve actually noticed the same thing a time or two at school. Every once in a while, Dean will say something, and I can tell Riley wants to comment, wants to argue it, but she doesn’t for some reason. It’s odd because she talks to me. She calls me on my shit all the time. Also, I’ve noticed her looking at him with the same peculiar expression Joey just explained. Strange!
“Oh, wise one, how does she look at me differently?” I joke.
Joey’s whole face lights up. “Like you hung the moon, Josh. Her smile is genuine. Her eyes sparkle. She laughs. She watches you when you aren’t looking. I mean...like really, she watches you. I’ve caught her looking out her window right at you before. She was daydreaming or something. She just looks at you with a look of longing. It’s sad really.” Her face falls.
Does she watch me through her window? I’d say that is creepy, except I can’t. I am guilty of the same thing. Our bedroom windows are directly across from one another. I’ve watched her too—before asshole Dean came along, Riley and I used to flirt through those windows. I even snuck in through th
at window a couple times to listen to music and cut up. I’d love to sneak in now and feel her up. Jesus, Josh. Get a grip.
“Hmm...Well, thanks for the inside scoop. When can we eat? That smell is delicious.” Yep, I’m ending the conversation.
“Anytime, and now…it’s ready.” She rubs her hands together, begins pulling down bowls and sets about making us dinner the way mom used to.
My heart breaks for Joey. Losing mom sucks for our whole family, but Joey is a girl. She needs her. I know that is why she adores Riley so much. She looks up to her like a big sister. It’s the same way Riley adored my mom, because she apparently craved a more motherly figure in her life.
“This is just like your mom’s, sweetheart. She would be so proud of you,” my dad tells her once were seated at the table. He’s right. The chili is scrumptious.
“Thanks, Daddy,” she says. I notice her eyes have become glassy, and I think she is trying not to cry.
She is the strongest kid I know. She never complains. She helps around the house doing things our mom used to do. She is amazing, and it’s all the more reason why I don’t want to move away when I graduate. I want to be here, to watch her grow, to help her when she needs it. Of course staying here has the perks of being near Riley, but it’s not just that. Families can change or disappear in a heartbeats time. I don’t want to miss anything.
CHAPTER 4
When all else fails…go to a party—except that is the last thing I want to do. I’d rather stay in bed and mope.
“Stop worrying, Riley. It’s not your job to stay home and be Mom. We don’t have to stay long, okay?” Emily tells me as we walk the short distance to Collin’s house.
I am so not in the mood for one of his parties, especially considering Dean and Josh will most likely be in attendance. Seeing Josh is always the highlight of my day, however, seeing Dean evokes some strange feelings within me. He casts a spell on me, makes me doubt myself, and I feel all confused and stuff.
I didn’t tell Emily that Dean and I broke up. Instead, I skirted the truth saying that we were fighting right now and pausing to catch our breath—which is not unusual for us. I don’t know why I’m not telling her. I just don’t think she would understand. Em has been having sex since she was fifteen. She doesn’t even have to be in a relationship. If she likes him, and he likes her, then it is fair game. I think she wouldn’t get it. She just assumes Dean and I have had sex, and I have never corrected her. It’s easier that way.
As expected, when we walk up to Collin’s, I notice Josh’s truck in the driveway, as well as...Dean’s motorcycle—what a jerk. I sigh realizing Dean didn’t even care that today was a struggle for me every year. Nah, he went to a party.
Outside on the front porch Collin is sitting with Laiken straddling his lap. He doesn’t see us walk up right away, but when he does, his reaction throws me off balance a little.
“Oh, shit!” He shouts and practically throws Laiken off of him. “I mean...oh hey, Riley, Em. I...urm, I didn’t expect y’all both to come tonight.”
Emily and I exchange a confused look, and I have a sudden realization that I’m not invited. Now that Dean and I broke up, I am no longer welcome. Dean and Collin are childhood friends, once even step-siblings for a brief failed period. And well, I guess since Dean is here, I am not supposed to be. I guess news of our break up travels fast.
“Em, let’s just go. I’m sure Brandt is having a party. We can go there.” I offer, knowing, in truth, I would be more comfortable there anyway. I only come to Collin’s parties because it’s where Dean wants to go, and Josh is usually here. If it were my choice, I’d be at Brandt’s parties, because that is more my scene with my friends. Normally, that would be Emily’s too, except she has been avoiding going there since her ex-boyfriend Beau, Brandt’s brother, started dating someone else and making it kind of seem serious.
She scrunches up her face, and I know how she feels, but c’mon? Isn’t she asking me to do the same thing by coming here? Oh, that’s right. She doesn’t exactly know that Dean and I are split. We are catching our breath. Shit!
“Riley, don’t go. It’s fine. I didn’t mean anything like that. I just didn’t expect you since, ya know, Dean’s already here. It just surprised me, that’s all.” He shifts uncomfortably, and I’m not buying that load of crap. Not at all.
I notice that Laiken has already grown bored with Collin’s lack of attention, and he doesn’t seem to care whatsoever. She has moved on to a boy I don’t recognize—some girls have no shame—just the thought that she had a thing for Josh before sends a jolt of disgust through my system. Ick.
Collin pries his way into the middle of Emily and me, placing his arms around our shoulders, and guides us inside the house. I mean...literally guides us. Like he is moving us where he wants us to be, like pawns in a game. He is acting so strange.
Several people look at us as we walk in. Conversations stop mid-way through syllables. Girls from school—which I normally wouldn’t associate with, anyway—start whispering, and guys raise their eyebrows. They nod their heads one way, while Collin leads us the opposite way. I really, really feel uncomfortable and like all of my peers know something I don’t. I get a funny feeling, and I know Emily does to, because she looks around with the same expression I am wearing.
Collin tells us, “Josh is in the game room, let’s go in there. I know he would want to know you are here.”
“I feel like I am being valet parked, Collin. What the fuck?” Emily jokes, lacing it with sarcasm, even though I know she is feeling a tad pissy.
He laughs nervously as he pulls his tongue piercing between his teeth. “Naw, just doing my duty as host.” He winks.
Now it’s my turn to laugh. “Since when Collin? We’ve never been escorted before, and you lost your shit outside just now. Something’s up.”
He tugs us along into the game room. The moment I see Josh curse and drop his pool stick upon seeing me, I know something is up—I am not delusional. He is not happy to see me here.
He reaches us quickly, looking over my shoulder at the door we just entered through.
“What are you doing here?” he asks disapprovingly.
I carefully remove Collin’s fingers from my shoulders and step away frowning.
“Emily got tired of seeing me pouting.”
Collin says, “Shit” next to me. I give him a side-glance of confusion, but he just shrugs. I continue, turning my eyes back to Josh.
“She wanted me to get out, but I’m not sure what we are doing here,” I say, and give my girl a questioning look.
Josh pulls me slightly away, and Emily and Collin begin to have words. I’m not listening, but she is waving her hands and wagging her finger dramatically at him. Her red hair looks extra fiery right now.
“What’s up, Josh? I’ve been to plenty of these parties, and suddenly I’m being escorted through a sea of hushed company and shifty eyes, even you look uneasy seeing me here,” I inquire.
He takes a deep breath and puffs it out. What the hell is going on?
“Oh! No, no, no. That shit won’t fly, Collin. That’s my bitch over there.” Emily shouts and points in my direction.
I look at the three of my friends with questioning eyes. Josh curses again, and in this moment, I know whatever is going on, I am the only one, not in the know.
“Alright, somebody better fucking start talking.” I snap. I wasn’t in the mood to go to this damn party, and I’m definitely not in the mood to play games.
Josh reaches for my hand, but I pull it out of his reach.
“Riley, let’s go outside and talk, please?” His voice is quiet.
“Riley, you need to know something.” Emily says.
“No, she doesn’t. Just drop it, Em.” Collin interjects.
“Come with me, please!” Josh begs, but he’s being a little more demanding this time and reaching for my hand again. This time, I let him grab mine, and only because something in his tone warns me that I don’t want to know wh
at she is trying to tell me. He has his protective voice.
I go with Josh toward the door, and Emily and Collin start arguing again. Once we’re outside, Josh walks us to his truck and picks me up to sit on the tailgate. I don’t say anything. I’ve figured it out, I think. Dean came to this party with someone else. Emily doesn’t know we broke up, so she is pissed, Josh just wants to protect me from being hurt, and Collin is covering for his boy.
“Who is she?” I ask once the silence becomes deafening in my mind.
He sighs, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Bullshit,” I bark at him. I’m not stupid.
His eyes meet mine looking for something. “It doesn’t matter who she is. Does it?” he asks, and I shake my head.
He’s right, it doesn’t. I don’t want to know. But two days—fucking two days—and he’s already moved on. That stings, just a little.
“Will you take me home, please?” I ask Josh.
He nods and kisses my forehead.
I text Emily to let her know I’m leaving, but she doesn’t reply right away. I should never have come here. I don’t know what I expected, but definitely not this, not so soon.
CHAPTER 5
I’m questioning my sanity at this point. I should have let her see Dean’s true colors, but I wanted to protect her. I didn’t want her to feel that pain.
The ride back to our house is short and quiet. We only live around the corner. My heart is splitting in two as I watch her emotions cloud her face. She isn’t saying anything, not asking questions, other than the one I evaded. Dean is a fucking prick.
I knew he was shady, and I’ve seen with my own eyes his sketchy ways when Riley wasn’t around. But tonight, he was so out in the open about his intentions, it made me sick—it’s still echoing in my memory.
Preslee was tipsy and clung to me. I just wasn’t interested. She eventually got the hint and moved on. It was to my unpleasant surprise when I saw who she moved onto. Dean and Preslee walked hand in hand upstairs as Collin and Laiken walked downstairs, trading places. It grossed me out how flippant people were about this stuff. And here I had that same reputation—just fantastic.
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