I don’t know why I’m pissed when I see Josh standing with Preslee at lunch, but I am. I can’t figure out if it’s jealousy, or just anger at the fact that she seems to be getting what she wants, which is Josh, and I get nothing. She told me last night that we’re done, and that she doesn’t want to have casual sex with me anymore. Evidently, now that her and Josh have become a thing, she doesn’t need me to distract her any longer.
For a second, I feel pity for Riley when I see her watching them together. I feel fucking livid when he crooks his finger for her to walk to them and then kisses Preslee right in front of her face. I’m a dick, but I’m not a dick in her face like that. That was shitty. When I see Riley’s face pale and Josh look back and forth between them like he is indecisive—I have to walk away before I lose my shit.
I decide I’m going to try again with Riley. Josh is with Preslee, and Riley is alone on Valentine’s Day. I’m on my way out to pick up a gift when I get a text from Josh.
Josh: PRESLEE IS AT HER HOUSE WEARING PINK LACE...ENJOY!
What the fuck?
Me: ISN’T THAT YOUR PRESENT TO UNWRAP?
Josh: I HAVE MY OWN PRESENT TO DELIVER, AND IT ISN’T TO HER.
He’s going to Riley. It’s not a question in my mind that going to her is his intention. He played Preslee. Ah hell, no. I’m going to Riley. Forgoing the gift, since I feel the need to rush over now, I leave and walk to her house.
I freeze when I see her press her lips to his, stumbling back with her hand over her mouth. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that,” she says.
“No, you shouldn’t have,” I snap. I continue walking up her driveway, and feel enraged when I see that he brought her a kitten. What the hell? A white fucking kitten.
“What are you doing here?” Josh asks me, his voice full of anger. That’s right bitch, I didn’t play into your game. “I thought you had plans?” He continues. You thought wrong.
I step up to the stairs, staring at that damn kitten in her hands, she snuggles it closer to her protectively. I then turn cold eyes onto Josh, “Don’t go there, Parker,” I growl.
Riley looks at me confused. “Why are you here, Dean?” Josh’s eyes are daring me to say something, declare some reason why I am here and not there. He is setting me up.
I look between them both and attempt to still salvage my plan. “You won’t return my calls or my text and you ignore me at school. It’s Valentine’s Day, and you’re my girl. I needed to see you.” You could be my girl, if he didn’t exist.
Her mouth falls open and she says, “I am not your girl anymore, Dean.”
“But you should be. I think we should get back together, Riley. I love you.” I’ve never told her before.
“You love her?” Josh shouts and then begins laughing. “You have got to be fucking kidding me, right?” He snarls at me.
“Fuck off, Parker. This isn’t your business.” I snap at him. I’m not kidding. It might be twisted, but it’s true nonetheless.
“Hell it isn’t. You don’t get to shit all over her and then tell her you love her, and think everything is just gonna be peachy again.” He says. I’m thinking...this is it. He is going to tell her my secrets.
“Isn’t that up to her? Pretty sure she can tell me what she wants. Right, baby?” I ask her sweetly.
She says, “Right.” She takes a deep breath, about to say more. That’s right, baby. Tell him to leave and we can start over. “I want you to leave, Dean. I’m not your baby, and I don’t buy for a second that you love me. I smiled for the first time in a while just now, before you came up and took the smile from me. So...please, leave me alone. I just need some space, Dean.”
No!
“You smiled because of him?” I ask and she nods.
I no longer feel a willingness to try. In fact, I’m feeling a whole lot of willingness to beat the shit out of Josh and hurt her. No, I don’t want to hurt her. Yes, I do. He makes her smile? “Ya know, Riley? It seems like he makes you smile a lot, don’t ya think?”
“He’s my best friend. So...yes,” she answers with a lie. He isn’t just your best friend. Is he?
I look between them and realize something. I tilt my head to the side as I think it. Surely not, I have to be wrong, but what if I’m not? “No, it’s more than that. Are you fucking him?”
I don’t even get her reply before Josh’s fist collides with my face. I’m taking that as a ‘yes.’
“Stop, stop. Oh my God! Just stop.” Riley yells and tries to pull us apart, I’m sure more worried about him.
We listen. I wipe the blood from my nose and lick the metallic taste off my lips. I’m not done. Not by a long shot.
She looks me right in the eyes. We are at eye level with her standing on her porch, “I think you should leave, Dean. Now!” She growls the words at me and then reaches for Josh’s hand.
Fucking bitch. At this moment, I hate her—until I remember that I love her.
“Fine by me,” I shout and leave the way I came. Leaving her behind and my heart completely shattered.
Bring on Plan B.
Where it all began for Riley
I loved lazy days at the beach, picking up shells, digging for sand crabs, making my best friend Shannon a Mermaid while I buried her and built a tail around her legs. I loved the waves rippling at my feet, the warm sunshine on my cheeks—the way the waves ebbed and flowed almost knocking me over and how my feet would sink into the sand squishing between my toes. What I didn’t love was the salt that burned my eyes. What I didn’t love was that my daddy was not here to play with me. What I didn’t love was seeing all the other families laughing together while mine stays always apart.
No true happiness boiled up inside me. I also didn’t love that my mommy didn’t play with me either. She just laid in a lounge chair sunbathing, sipping on a drink from one of the beach huts that she said was ‘mommy’s juice,’ and wouldn’t share with me, even though she refilled it multiple times. She talked more and more loudly with Shannon’s mom as each cup of her juice disappeared. She always told me not to bother her, and I tried to be a good girl and listen.
Ms. Linda came to the beach with us, and she was a lot of fun. I liked her. Actually, she came with us everywhere because she stayed in our house most of the time. At night, she would read me stories and sometimes even let me watch the TV a few minutes past my bedtime while mommy and daddy went to work. She was pretty too.
She had long, dark blonde hair and pretty, blue eyes. I really liked when she let me play with her hair, or how when I colored pictures for her, she wouldn’t tell me to not bother her. Instead, she would smile and tell me that my drawing was lovely. Sometimes, when my mommy didn’t want to brush my hair, Ms. Linda would brush my hair for me, and she would braid it too if I asked. She made me pretty, like her.
Today, Ms. Linda put my hair in pigtails, and she painted my toenails pink, like hers. She was really nice, and I was so happy that she was my babysitter, because she was the bestest ever.
I was going to kindergarten soon, and I loved writing my name. Sometimes, even on the wall of my room with a crayon, but that got me in trouble, so I only did it like maybe twice before I stopped. I didn’t like getting in trouble.
Shannon and I were playing in the sand. She made a smiley face, and I wrote my name in the sand with my finger. I wanted to show my mommy and was patting her on the shoulder. Mommy was talking and laughing with Shannon’s mommy, not paying any attention to me. “Mommy, look I write my name in the sand. Look, see, look, I did it nice and neat.” I pointed in vain to the sand near us.
My mom sighed, placed a finger in the air to Shannon’s mommy halting their conversation, and then looked in my direction irritated. “Not now, Riley. Mommy is talking with Mrs. Grace about grown up stuff. It’s rude to interrupt. Go show Ms. Linda and Shannon. Okay? I’m sure it’s beautiful, but mommy is busy right now. Now, run along,” she flipped her wrist and went back to her conversation laughing.
I came back to Shannon
and Ms. Linda with tears brimming in my eyes and a pout on my face. Before I said anything, I stomped my feet in the sand, erasing my name and then plopped down on my bottom pulling my knees to my chest. I didn’t cry, but I wanted to. “You ok, Riwey?” Shannon asked me. She never said my name right. It’s Riley. Not, Riwey. I nodded, still pouting. I was used to mommy and daddy always being too busy, but I still wanted their attention.
Ms. Linda picked me up and placed me in her lap. “Why did you do that, Riley? Your name was very pretty.” She spoke consolingly and rubbed my back. I shrugged and curled into Ms. Linda’s chest. “Mommy doesn’t like me.” I said feeling blue.
“Oh, that’s not true. Your mommy loves you. She just—,” Ms. Linda was going to explain but mommy interrupted her.
“Liiinnnda….My mom voice sounded like a song. Do you have plans this weekend?”
“Not really. Do you need me to watch Riley?” she asked sweetly, while continuing to rub gentle circles along my back. My mommy didn’t even notice I was upset. She never did.
Mrs. Grace picked up Shannon, and swung her in a circle making her giggle. It made me jealous of Shannon. “I am treating Claudia to a New Orleans getaway this weekend for her twenty first birthday, since she didn’t really get to celebrate it last week. You know? I can’t believe you’re only twenty-one. You are like a baby fish.” Shannon’s mom said laughing teasingly at my mommy. Mommy gave me a strange look I didn’t understand.
“I asked Evan if he wanted to make a weekend of it together, but he couldn’t this weekend…not a good time for him or whatever. He suggested leaving Riley with my mom but she can’t keep her this weekend. So, I need you if you can.” She frowned at Ms. Linda. “It’s just gonna be a girls’ weekend away instead.”
My mommy chirped with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes, like she isn’t really happy about something. “I’d invite you to come along with us Linda...but well, you know.” She explained. What did Ms. Linda know? She just nodded.
“Sounds fun. I’d love to stay over this weekend with Riley. We will have a girl’s time ourselves too, right, Tinker Bell?” I nodded. “It’s not a problem.” She told my mom.
She laughed and as much as I loved her—I was sad. Ms. Linda normally had every other weekend off, and it wasn’t my weekend to go to my Nana’s or to have Ms. Linda. It was my weekend to have my mommy and daddy with me. We were supposed to go to the movies and get pizza, and daddy promised me an ice cream cone after. What is New Orleans anyway, and why is her birthday so important? It’s over. My birthday is next month, and no one has mentioned it.
Someone tapped my shoulder and I jumped, startled. Daddy was downstairs playing cards with some friends of his, and I was watching from the stairs dressed in my favorite princess costume, Tinker Bell. I was lying on my belly holding on to the rails with my fingers and just watching. I wanted daddy to play a game with me that night, but he didn’t.
Mommy said he wouldn’t be home but he was, so why wasn’t he playing with me?
“Riley, there you are. Let’s get you back upstairs, Tinker Bell” Ms. Linda said whispering. She grabbed my hand to pull me back up to my room.
She handed me my pajamas and walked me to the bathroom. I was being directed to brush my teeth and change, and it isn’t long before Ms. Linda was tucking me into bed and switching off my lights. “Ms. Linda, can I ask you something?” I stop her before she leaves my room.
She turned to me, seeming a little exasperated with me tonight, although I don’t know why. I haven’t misbehaved, really. She seemed upset, though. It confused me. “Sure, Riley. What is it?” she asked with a clipped tone.
I sat up a little in my bed, “Does it make you sad that you don’t get to play with the grown-ups?” Ms. Linda was pretty and she was ‘a big people.’ I bet she got bored hanging out with me all the time.
She looked at me a beat before she spoke. She almost seemed nervous to answer me. “No, Riley. It doesn’t make me sad. I enjoy my job watching after you. Besides, our pretend tea parties with Ken and Barbie work just fine for me.” She said making me giggle. “Why do you ask such a thing?” she asked me.
I shrugged because I wasn’t sure, I was just curious. “When I get big and I am a mommy, I don’t want to play with the grown-ups.” I confessed.
Ms. Linda came to sit with me, flipping on my lamp, which made my pink room glow pretty. “What do you mean, Riley?” she had her sweet voice again.
I may have only been four years old, but I knew the things that bothered me, and the things that made me happy. “Well, I think grown-ups need to play with little kids, that’s all.” I said as I yawned.
Ms. Linda nodded and sighed, “I see. Not all families are picture perfect, Riley. You have good parents. They may be a little preoccupied with grown-up stuff but they love you. Adults need time to be adults sometimes without little ones around, and if your dad didn’t work as hard as he does, you wouldn’t live in this beautiful place, or have me to watch you when your parents need me. But…your future family sounds like a delight too.” She ruffled my hair, “Now get some sleep.” She flipped off my lamp and left me to dream. I don’t know what she said, other than adults needed to be with adults and my house was pretty.
I don’t know what it was that woke me up. I had a bad dream but I couldn’t remember what it was and then I needed to potty. I went to the bathroom, and I decided that I wanted to go find my daddy and maybe have him tuck me back into bed.
I tip-toed to the hall and looked down the stairs, but it was dark. So, I went to his room. I opened the door and walked to his side of the bed, but it was empty. “Daddy?” I whispered. He didn’t answer. My tummy felt funny, and I didn’t want to go to my room by myself.
Ms. Linda was staying over tonight, and her room was down the hall from mine. I felt like I was going to cry, and I didn’t know why really. I just wanted someone to hold me and help me go back to sleep. The light was on in Ms. Linda’s room. I could tell from the light underneath the door. I knew she was awake because I could hear her talking, but then it got quiet. I didn’t want to get in trouble, but Ms. Linda hardly ever fussed at me, so I thought it would be okay to see her. So I slowly opened the door but what I saw confused me.
“Daddy?” I said in a soft voice and he jumped away from Ms. Linda, who was sitting on her bed with her legs wrapped around his waist.
She said, “Oh my God,” and tried quickly to button up her shirt where my daddy’s hands were just on her. Ms. Linda covered her mouth and made a funny noise. My daddy didn’t have his shirt on at all, and his pants were unzipped. I thought Ms. Linda painted his mouth and neck with makeup, but then I thought that was strange because boys didn’t wear makeup, and Ms. Linda usually played dress up with me.
I started to cry, and my daddy put his shirt back on, fixed his pants and bent down in front of me. He was shaking. I think he had a bad dream, as well. I guess he needed Ms. Linda to hold him, too.
I didn’t understand why daddy had his mouth on hers, though. I tried to kiss Kevin at Shannon’s house once, and Mommy fussed at me. She told me ‘only mommy and daddy’s kiss each other, and of course, Daddy kisses your cheek because he loves you But, Riley, sweetie, you don’t kiss your friends. You only hug them or hold their hand ok?’ So, I didn’t know why Daddy would kiss Ms. Linda, because they were friends, unless he loved her too.
Daddy looked at Ms. Linda, and she shook her head at him. Then daddy picked me up to carry me back to my room. “I’m sorry, Daddy. I had a bad dream, and I couldn’t find you.” I said.
He squeezed me extra tight and kissed my forehead. I loved kisses on my forehead. “It’s okay, Tinker Bell. But this is our secret, okay?” What was our secret?
One time, I whispered something in Shannon’s ear, and Mommy told me telling secrets wasn’t nice, and I shouldn’t do that. “Ok, Daddy. What’s the secret?” I asked feeling confused.
He placed me down in my bed, and covered me up with my Tinker Bell blankets. He kissed my nose an
d said, “It’s nothing, Tinker Bell. Just get some sleep and stay in here. Okay?”
I stayed in my bed but I had a hard time going to sleep. Daddy and Ms. Linda weren’t being good friends. They were fighting, and Daddy made Ms. Linda cry. I didn’t want to get in any more trouble, so I stayed put in my bed. I decided to draw Ms. Linda a pretty picture on my doodle to show her in the morning. That would make her smile. Daddy needed a time out.
I didn’t see Ms. Linda the next day or the next or the next…
It was two weeks without Ms. Linda, in fact. When my mommy came home from whatever New Orleans was, daddy told her something that made her mad, and she took me to my Nana’s house.
When we went back home, daddy was all smiles. He hugged me so tight, and he even gave my mommy flowers. She kissed his cheek and it was then that I heard the noise from upstairs.
Ms. Linda was packing up her room and sniffling when I made my way up there. I ran to my room to get my doodle and brought it to Ms. Linda’s room. I grabbed her leg, and she made a sound in her throat.
“I drew you a picture, Ms. Linda. So you will be happy.” I smiled at her. She looked at my doodle, and she looked even sadder after that, which made me sad. Maybe I didn’t draw it pretty enough, I thought.
“Oh, Riley.” She said and picked me up to hold me tightly. “It’s beautiful,” she told me as she wiped under her eyes.
“Then why you cry?” I asked in a small voice. I don’t like Ms. Linda sad.
“Because, sweetie. I’m just a little sad right now, but it has nothing to do with you. Okay? Your picture is beautiful, and you are the greatest little Tink, ever.” Her voice was shaky and cracked with each word. She began to cry even more, and I didn’t know what to do. So, I just kissed her on her cheek, because Mommy said it’s okay to do that if you love someone. I loved Ms. Linda. She put me down, and I watched her put more stuff into boxes. “Are you leaving, Ms. Linda?” I asked.
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