He wasn’t happy about that. “You’re not fucking serious, are you?” He ran his fingers through his hair, and I could see his eyes were raw and red. “What can I do, Annie? What can I do to make this better?” His tone was beseeching.
I closed my eyes. When I thought about everything that was happening in my own life—the curatorship, my broken friendship with Kendra, and the fact that I was lying to Harrison and bailing Chase out of jail—there was only one option. And while it was more painful than having a knife twisted into my heart, I knew I was sentencing myself to a world of even more pain if I followed my heart, rather than my head.
“I gotta go,” I murmured as I made my way to the door.
He grabbed my arm. “No,” he said urgently, although it was more like a plea. “Annie, you’re my angel. If you were to leave, I don’t know what I’d do!” The look of agony in his eyes was almost overwhelming, but I wrenched my arm away all the same.
“I’m sorry, Chase. I have to do this,” I said without looking at him.
He was right behind me as I blindly stumbled over spray-paint cans and beer bottles, moving toward his front door.
“Annie, you don’t know what you’re doing! Think about it first. We should talk before you do anything rash.” I could hear the edge of a threat and a plea in his voice.
I spun around so that my hair whipped across my cheeks angrily. “I’m not sure you’re in any position to give me advice, Chase Adams,” I snapped.
“Maybe not, but you’re seriously gonna fucking walk out on me? That’s just not like the Annie I know. You’re better than that!” he yelled, picking up a beer bottle and flinging it at the wall.
I winced in alarm at the sound of glass exploding on brick. I had no idea what Chase was capable of doing in such a state—I’d never seen him so worked up. Trembling, I threw his front door open. As I ran down the flight of metal stairs, tears stinging my eyes and blurring my vision, I could hear Chase swearing and kicking around cans of paint.
“Annie! Please! Come back!” I’d gotten to the bottom of the landing when I heard his voice at the top of the stairs. I looked back up at him. His beautiful face was contorted with anguish and disbelief, and he was on his knees, as if he didn’t have the strength to stand.
A big part of me wanted to go to him, but I knew I couldn’t. To do so would be to betray the deeper reasons I was in New York City to begin with. I had to face it: Chase was the proverbial kid from the wrong side of the tracks. I wanted to be noble, but I didn’t have the power to save anyone except myself. As I ran back to the subway station, I could barely look at my reflection in glass doors or car windows. The face staring back at me looked tired, spent, and about a thousand years old. I forced myself to slow down and breathe. I couldn’t think about what this meant for Quentin’s show—I was afraid I’d start hyperventilating.
“You did the right thing, Annie,” I said out loud, but for some reason, the ache in my chest didn’t make my words feel convincing at all.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Several days had passed, and despite a flurry of text messages and voicemails from Chase, I had forced myself not to respond to any of them. I had made my bed, and now I had to lie in it. And no matter how painful it was, I knew it was the right thing to do. I’d spent many tearful hours talking to my mother (who was still trying to convince me to come home for Thanksgiving, although I’d already explained how much work I needed to do for the exhibit), and while she seemed to be relieved that Chase was no longer in the picture, she’d also suggested that perhaps I take it easy and put my dating life on the shelf for the time being.
“Annie Bear, you have to follow your heart, and if Harrison hasn’t found his way into it, it’s okay to break up with him,” she’d said. “You don’t owe anybody anything. Not Chase, not Harrison—nobody.”
“I know, Mom, but . . . Harrison is all I have right now,” I’d admitted. Kendra was still giving me the cold shoulder, and my teammates on the committee weren’t exactly happy hour–friendly. I liked the fact that Harrison wasn’t pressuring me to go faster than I was comfortable with, especially since I was still nursing a broken heart. It also felt good to be able to fall back and let myself be taken care of. Harrison had never asked for anything beyond my company, and it felt energizing rather than exhausting to be around him. In hindsight, as irresistible as Chase had been, our relationship had never been easy or free of demands. Sleepless nights, adversity with my best friend, and a perpetual feeling of anxiety had all been aspects that I was too blinded by lust to fully recognize.
Thank goodness I’m a Capricorn, I thought. Yes, I’d been momentarily swayed by Chase’s charms, but, of course, nothing about us had proven to be sustainable. We just hadn’t been meant to be. That deep realization was accompanied by more sadness than I thought I could bear, and a gnawing emptiness I thought would never end. Thank goodness I had plenty of distractions to keep me afloat. Without Harrison, I was sure I would have been wallowing over pints of ice cream, leg warmers, and bad rom-coms on Netflix.
But tonight we were enjoying a dinner at Bell Book & Candle, a funky farm-to-table restaurant in the West Village. The basement-level dining room was equipped with low lights, distressed-brick walls, and a fence-post oak floor. There was a live jazz band with a singer who reminded me of Billie Holliday. She was crooning out the most heartbreaking ballads, but I tried to ignore her and place all my attention on Harrison. The last thing I needed now was a soundtrack to my misery. I forced myself to chase Chase out of my head.
“Bear with me, Annie,” Harrison was saying. “I know most girls hate cars, but the one I’m looking into is pretty rad. It’s a 2013 Hyundai Veloster Turbo, and it kills my current car, hands down. I’m starting to think less about the bells and whistles and more about performance these days, since I use my car so much and my parents are getting tired of replacing my wheels every year.”
I smiled, trying to act interested. “Yeah, and we live in a pretty disposable society as it is, so I totally understand wanting something that has a long life cycle.”
He cocked his head. “I hadn’t thought about that, but it’s true. Like, I remember when I was a kid, a computer would last me at least a few years. Now, with Apple updating their gadgets every year or so, it’s a race to keep up. You get the latest thing, and it’s already defunct after a few months.”
I nodded, although I couldn’t really relate, having owned the same clunky Mac for the last six years.
“Hey, you okay? You’ve been feeling . . . I don’t know . . . a little distant lately,” he said, reaching across the table to hold my hand.
“I’m fine. I’ve just been a little tired with everything that’s going on,” I said.
“Tired? Well, we’ll have to fix that.” He reached across and gave me a kiss. He smelled like citrus and honey. “Because I have an exciting night planned for us.”
“Oh?”
He blushed a little. “I mean, inside rather than out.”
At this point, we still hadn’t spent the night together, not so much because we had a verbal agreement to take it slow as because I’d managed to slip out of invitations to study with Harrison in his room or indulge in late-night hangouts. Realistically, I hadn’t been able to, since I had spent many of my recent nights with Chase. I still wasn’t sure I wanted to be intimate with Harrison so soon after ending things with Chase. But maybe that was exactly what I needed. Perhaps this would be the thing to cement the tenuous bond I had with Harrison, to amplify my appreciation of him.
Harrison brushed the hair back from my face with his fingers. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Annie. But you know I’m crazy about you . . . and I want to make tonight really special for you.”
I pushed my fork around in the housemade burrata, but I didn’t take a bite. “You’re sweet,” I told him.
“I know it’s a big deal, since it would be the first time . . .”
I widened my eyes. “Oh, Harrison, I’m n
ot . . . I’m not a virgin!”
A look of relief came over his face. “That’s good. I mean—don’t get me wrong or anything, but . . .” He blushed awkwardly. “It would just be that much more pressure.”
I was glad Harrison didn’t have a double standard, but I felt a twinge of guilt when I thought of how recently I had been with Chase. Harrison seemed to notice my change in mood. A look of alarm came over his face. “Shit, that came across as way more insensitive than I thought it would. Look, Annie, I just want to spend time with you is all. Like I said, we don’t have to do anything you feel uncomfortable with. I’m not one of those guys. I’m with you for you, not because of your lethal hotness.” He smiled a little. “Although that certainly helps. I understand that New York Minute has outed the fact that I have the sexiest girlfriend in town.”
My heart skipped a beat. “Oh . . . you saw the post?” If he had, I was surprised he was acting so nonchalant about it.
He shrugged. “Not really. I just heard it had something to do with that Pierce guy and his show.”
I giggled nervously. Thankfully, Harrison’s willful ignorance about my curatorship was working in his favor at the moment. “Can we just . . . can we play it by ear?” I said carefully. “I mean, I want to . . . I just . . .” I didn’t know how to tell him that I was dealing with some pretty deeply felt wounds, so I said nothing. He didn’t press for further details.
“No worries. But that doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying to woo you,” he said irreverently. “I’m a nice guy, but I’m also a guy.”
I sighed deeply. I wished to God that I felt something more than a sisterly tenderness for Harrison, but, try as I might, I couldn’t really imagine us getting horizontal in that cavernous four-poster Victorian bed of his. When I tried to form mental pictures, all I could see was Chip, ruddy-faced and leering, opening Harrison’s bedroom door and cheering his fraternity brother on. But privacy wasn’t the first and foremost consideration. Something else entirely was taking up all my headspace, to the extent that I could mete out only the teeniest scraps of attraction to the guy who deserved it most.
But the night was still young. A couple hours later, Harrison and I found ourselves at one of the campus hot spots, a cozy but chic coffee shop that was teeming with couples and groups of boisterous students. In the company of so many happy-looking people, I was beginning to feel more hopeful about the evening.
Harrison stood up from his chair. “I’m going to use the restroom, but I’ll be right back. If the waiter comes by, d’you mind getting me another piece of the tiramisu? I guess I have a sweet tooth tonight.”
I nodded. “Sure thing.”
He kissed me on the cheek and walked off. I had almost begun to ignore the constant pings my phone was getting, when it happened: the door to the coffee shop flung open, the bells above the door jangling angrily. I turned to see who it was, and there was Chase.
I blinked. Once, twice, three times. At first I thought it was a mirage or some kind of trick my brain was playing on me, but there weren’t many other guys out there who resembled Chase. He was dressed all in black, his hair slicked back. He looked incredible, even put together. But the look in his eyes as they darted around was pained and frantic. And he clearly hadn’t shaved in days.
I was thrilled at the sight of him, before cold dread descended and I wished I could sink into the ground. What was he was doing here? I shifted my weight in my seat, attempting to look inconspicuous, and I could feel his eyes searching the entire contents of the tiny space. When they finally settled on me, I could feel my heart pounding and my breathing becoming shallower.
He was making a beeline straight toward me.
As he stood over me, I didn’t know what to say. On a certain level, it felt good to see him. His intoxicating scent wafted to my nostrils, and I took him in like he was the last beautiful thing on Earth. But I didn’t want him to know that. He just stared at me, his oceanic eyes full of emotion.
“I’ve been calling you for days,” he said quietly. All the same, people at other tables were starting to stare in our direction.
I shook my head, still in a state of stupefaction. “How . . . how did you find me here?”
He paused for a second. “I’ve been following you,” he said candidly.
My heart started to beat even faster, from a combination of anger, fear, and arousal that I seriously didn’t want to be feeling right now. “You’ve been following me? That is just . . . out of line!”
He leaned forward, placing his palms on the table and the back of my chair, blocking me in. “Maybe, but I don’t care,” he seethed. “You’ve been ignoring all my texts and phone calls. If you weren’t willing to talk to me that way, what the hell do you expect?”
I swallowed nervously, looking in the direction of the restrooms. “Chase, you’re not being rational. And I’m . . . I’m with someone right now. So, please, if you want to talk, let’s do it later.”
His eyes darkened, and I could tell he was pissed. “It’s that guy, isn’t it? Harrison?” He spat out his name with contempt. Then his voice lowered. “Are you fucking him?”
“No! And even if I were, it’s none of your business. Things are over between you and me!” It cut me to the core to say that, and I could see from the slight fall of Chase’s shoulders that it hurt him, too. His eyes, which were a dark-green whirlwind, looked stormy.
“Annie, you have to listen to me. What I did was fucked up, but I don’t deserve the runaround,” he said.
“And I didn’t give you the runaround,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady and calm. “I told you that things had to end between us. And I thought I was clear about my reasons.”
“Bullshit!” He knocked over a glass of water, which made me jump. People at opposite ends of the room were now craning their necks to see what was going on.
I was shaking so hard that it took every last ounce of my strength to say, “You’re making a scene, Chase. People are staring at us. Now isn’t the right time.”
It was like he was in a different world and couldn’t hear me. He raked his fingers through his hair and leaned closer to me again. I could smell the liquor on his breath. “Annie, I’ve been thinking about you nonstop. I can’t get you out of my head. And I don’t want to lose you. What you saw the other night—that isn’t me, Annie. It’s part of the old Chase, the one who shut people out and made mistake after mistake because there was no one watching out for him. But you . . .” His voice cracked and he rubbed his eyes with the base of both palms, as if to hold back his emotions. “You’re my angel, Annie. I see that now.”
I tried to sound stern, even though everything in me felt like it was collapsing. “You should have thought about that before you put yourself in danger, before you almost ruined the work we’re doing. We can talk later, if and only if it’s about the project. You already filled out the paperwork, the check with your name on it has already been sent out, so I trust we can be civil to each other in this final stretch,” I said slowly.
He tightened his jaw. I could see his knuckles blanching, but there was fire in his eyes. “Bullshit!” he glowered. “If Quentin Pierce dropped dead tonight, I wouldn’t give a fuck. His show is the last thing on my mind right now. And I’m not leaving until you agree to talk to me, right here, right now.”
My heart pounded, and the heat rose to my chest. “I . . . I can’t. I’m with Harrison right now.”
Chase’s eyes were like burning coals. “I don’t get it, Annie. You’re a smart girl. What are you doing with that prepster douche? What is he giving you that I can’t? Cars, money—all that shit is ephemeral.” He leaned in until I could inhale his leather-and-smoke scent. “What I can give you is real.”
“What’s going on here?”
I wanted to die. Harrison had come back to the table, and his eyes were darting back and forth between Chase and me. His face was drawn and tense.
Chase continued to look at me, almost beseechingly. “Annie . . . ,” he said. �
�This is our chance to build something together. And I know I’m not alone in what I felt. I could sense it in you, too. Something woke up in both of us.”
I was terrified that Chase would say something that would betray me to Harrison. I got up and grabbed his arm. “Chase, you have to leave,” I hissed. “We can’t do this now.”
“Hey, man, she’s asking you to leave, so what are you waiting for?” Harrison put his hand on Chase’s shoulder. I couldn’t breathe. Chase’s entire body stiffened, and he spun around to meet Harrison, eye to eye.
“Don’t fucking touch me, man,” Chase said, emphasizing the last word to imitate Harrison’s tone of voice.
“Chase, please,” I pleaded, looking around us. Other people in the coffee shop were staring and muttering to each other excitedly.
“What’s your problem?” Harrison snarled. “Is proper etiquette seriously that out of bounds for you? Let me make myself more clear: if you don’t leave now, I’ll have to make you.”
Both Harrison and Chase had their fists clenched, and their gazes were steely and impenetrable.
“This is crazy,” I declared, more to myself than to either of them.
Chase ignored me and gave Harrison a disdainful look. “Who the fuck are you? Do you even know this woman right here? You know how she likes to be kissed or touched? Or fucked?”
Harrison’s face went pale, while mine went red.
“Chase, stop it!” I barked.
But he continued to ignore me. The expression on his face was twisted. “I didn’t think so. I was betting you didn’t have the slightest glimmer of insight into what makes her scream so loud her throat gets raw. Looks like I won that bet.”
Harrison gave Chase a hard push that sent him hurtling into our table, knocking more water glasses over. A hum of excitement swept through the room, and a clump of servers rushed over.
So Damn Beautiful (A New Adult Romance) Page 23