“I have? Why me?”
“Because you have not yet ascended the Path of Enlightenment. On many important levels, you are not yet one of us. That may give you an advantage that no other family member aside from your brother has, but you should know that it is dangerous. I will break her psychic defenses and do all that I can to negate her attempts to fight back. Do you have any questions?”
“Yes… well, this mental interrogation, how does it, ah… how does it work?”
He shakes his head as though he considers my assistance pointless and not particularly appreciated, but answers my question nonetheless. “She has retreated deeply into her mind, so the first thing you must do is find her. She is a member of the Uisnach Household, concentrating on that may help. When you approach, you should appear conciliatory, talk to her, learn about her, and use what you learn to lead you to the truthful answers to our questions. Do not trust her, though. She could harm you; she has a very strong mind. If you get into trouble, let go.”
He leads me into a darkly lit room that smells, if possible, worse than the dungeon cell I so recently escaped. It also shares the odd deadening feeling that entire castle had; power negation. I see her then, stripped and tied to a cold hard bench. There are some unusual devices on a table nearby, I shudder to even speculate at their function. Her body appears unharmed, but her song screams in pain… she sounds awful! I stare at Lucian in accusation and he responds as if nothing is wrong. “As I said, she has a strong mind. Nothing in the physical world fazes her anymore; she has disconnected.” He places a device on my wrist, “This will negate the neural toxin she is secreting through her skin.” I dutifully reach out to touch her arm, and descend into infinite pain.
~~~
When I finally am free, I find myself stumbling down a deserted corridor. I have no idea where I am, I only know I want to be dead. I hear a voice, is it familiar?
“Shi'ahn? Shi'ahn, what is wrong, you look terrible.” Someone puts an arm around me and almost immediately recoils. The arm returns, though now there is more cloth between it and me. “Shi'ahn, lets get you to your rooms, then tell me what has happened to you.” I let myself be led, barely noticing when movement stops and I’m sitting. He, yes, it is a man’s voice, he speaks soothingly as he draws my head to his chest, smoothes my hair with his hand. “Tell me what has happened to you.” I shake my head; my entire body shakes and tears streak down my face.
“I can’t.”
“Then tell me where you were.”
I think back, where had I been, who was I with? Lucian's face swims into focus. “Lucian.”
“Lucian! He is interrogating the Shiftling prisoner. Don’t tell me you were with him!”
“I… I was summoned. Not enlightened, better chance…”
“That Bastard! You should never have been involved in that – you don’t have the experience, you aren’t meant for such ugliness! My poor beauty. Here, relax against me, sink into my arms and the safe comfort they offer you.” He begins humming, his voice is calming, soothing… comforting. I am safe in his arms, he will let no one hurt me. Slowly my mind begins to relax, thoughts finally begin to make their way past a barrier like water through a spillway, then the dam breaks and pain begins to wash out of me through my tears and cries of sorrow. My only constants are the warm embrace that keeps me safe, and the beautiful voice that fills the spaces in my mind that were so recently filled with pure, unrelenting pain. I drink in his comforting presence, filling myself with the strength he offers me.
“Shi'ahn, can you speak now?” I realize I’m not crying anymore, my muscles have relaxed from their deathlike cramp.
“Yes, yes I think so.”
“Can you tell me what happened? I have learned that Lucian has ended his interrogation, but there is no word of injuries. How could he have not reported your condition?”
“Because he is a cold, heartless bastard!”
“You’ll have no argument from me there.” The lighthearted lilt of his reply is familiar; finally I recognize the voice and pull back to look into his face.
“Casanova?” I pull away from his embrace and he smiles ruefully.
“I’m sure the other’s have told you many stories of how terrible and dangerous I am; the lady-killer. Well, you will see that you remain fully clothed, and if you think back you will realize that I have taken no liberties.” He pauses a moment while I take stock of myself. “See? I am no stranger to pain, Shi'ahn, and such devastation as I sensed in you… I cannot stand by and refuse to help. I am not like Lucian, not like so many of our family… my heart still beats with compassion for others.” I have listened carefully to him as he speaks, he is being honest. “Shi'ahn, I swear you are truly safe with me now.” The sincerity of his words resounds in my soul, and when he holds out his arms again I gratefully return to his comforting embrace. “Shi'ahn, as I said I am no stranger to pain, and I know that if kept bottled up inside oneself, it will eventually turn against you and become like acid; an inescapable enemy that will consume you. Tell me what happened, share the pain, I swear I will keep any secrets you wish kept.”
“He had me help with the mental interrogation. He said that since I was so new to Lumina, unenlightened as I am, I would have a better chance of reaching her. He said he would protect me but he didn’t! She… she… shared her recent pain with me as though it was my own, made it my only, inescapable reality and then… she tore from me my most treasured memories!”
Those memories flood my mind again, of growing up with William, of my first search for love… or at least companionship, of the beauty and joy I experienced on Shiral, of riding Zah-Ha’Gor as she plummeted near an almost impossibly high waterfall. So many things that had meant the world to me; my most precious memories, torn from me one by one. With the ninth and most precious, of dancing with Mathair the last time before she was taken away, everything stopped. Torture was no longer my reality, and my beautiful memories were once again a part of me. I remember her words, almost incredulous, ‘You are but a child.’
“When she finally stopped she said that I had violated her, and she wanted me to know how that felt. She said she was only letting me go because I was so young and inexperienced. By that time I didn’t care what her reason was, I just wanted her to stop! The contact was broken, and I was back in the torture chamber. I didn’t manage to say a word, but apparently I didn’t need to. I can still hear his voice. “So she really was telling the truth.” Then he turned and walked out. No thanks, not even an ‘are you alright’? I paid a lot for that information, and the bastard didn't care. He said he would protect me!!! I hate him – I’ll hate him until the end of time!”
Casanova looks down on me with mixed horror and incredulity, “And after all that, you wandered the corridors until I came across you… you are strong, Shi'ahn. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you are. That reckless bastard! The Emperor should know of this, Lucian should be held accountable.”
“No! I don’t want to give him the pleasure of knowing how much pain he allowed me to experience – and I don’t want to warn him as to how much I despise him.”
“Oh Shi'ahn, you are so young and innocent of the ways of this family… I hate to see you enter into the game so unprepared.”
“Then help me prepare! If nothing else, help me understand how to safeguard my mind.” He doesn’t look particularly happy with my request, but he nods after a moment.
“I am not the most skilled in that area, but I can and will help you. After you have eaten and rested.”
My mind floods with panic, “I don’t want to be alone so soon!” He smiles warmly.
“Food first. Then, if you wish it, I will stay with you while you sleep.” He holds his hands up and to either side, “You will be perfectly safe from me… I will only watch over you and keep you safe, that I swear. Then, when you are refreshed, I will teach you what I can.” The breakfast that had been delivered to my rooms before… well, before, still remains in stasis. He takes me to the
table and I eat every morsel. Sated, I fall asleep in his arms.
***
Holding a ravishing, innocent young woman in his arms while she sleeps and not taking advantage of the situation runs completely counter to all that Casanova is, and yet for some reason he feels at peace. Being here for her, in her time of pain and great need, is frankly the most erotic thing he has ever experienced. Who would have known that so much pleasure could be had in such a simple act? Staying absolutely true to his word he never takes his eyes off his sweet angel, he watches over her and keeps her safe until she eventually wakes. What he does not manage to keep safe, is his heart.
***
I awaken to the smell of more food.
“I thought that might catch your attention.” I stiffen in confusion, a man – I lie in a mans arms? That's right, yes; I lie in Casanova’s arms, still fully clothed. “See, I promised you would be safe.”
I smile, and enjoy a very nice meal. Afterward he keeps his word and teaches me more than I had ever known about mental protection. As he speaks of techniques, memories of my time in Lydia’s mind flood my thoughts. I remember her images of vast empty plains, and of an impregnable fortress. It is as though she had followed a time-honored strategy to protect her true self from my presence. I had felt sorrow for her, and did all I could to heal her pain. She did not care for my help, and even less for my presence, so when it became apparent that I would not stop, she trapped me. When Casanova describes trapping an intruder in a terrible memory or scenario, I can’t help but tremble – that’s exactly what she did to me; she made her torture my experience, my inescapable prison. Then she tore away the memories I tried to cling to for comfort; it was terrible, as though they were stolen from me, never to be returned. That isn’t true, though. The memories weren’t stolen, my ability to access them was blocked. And then she had reversed much of what she had done. I don’t understand why she backed away from her revenge, but something tells me that I can’t count on others’ mercy in the future.
“Casanova, what you have shown me…” His look of mild displeasure breaks my concentration, “What, am I not allowed to ask questions?” He laughs,
“Of course you are! It’s just… I’ve never found fault with my name before, but on your lips it sounds all wrong; a strong beginning that peters out in needless syllables that add nothing to the meaning. And, worst of all, it brings visions of Novanus to my mind.” It’s my turn to laugh.
“Now that is truly unfortunate! Is there anything else you would prefer I call you?”
“Something of your own choosing, I think, you are the mistress of sound after all; name me. Choose anything you like.”
Several things jump to mind, though none are particularly complementary. I cast them aside as inappropriate, even if well earned. I’ve never been asked to come up with a name for someone before… it’s actually rather a special feeling. Unexpected warmth floods my mind. “Cas?”
He smiles, “Cas. It is unusually simple, and yet from your lips I rather like it. You know, for a moment there I thought you might choose something… not particularly kind.”
“For a moment there, I nearly did. But that didn’t feel right. I like Cas.”
“Then I shall be your Cas. Now, you had a question for me?”
“Yes, I was wondering what I should do if all you have taught me fails.” He sighs deeply.
“This is where the training becomes unpleasant, but I suppose it is necessary. Surround yourself with a thought or emotion of yours that is very true, but unrelated to what the attacker is seeking. Immerse yourself in it, so that it is all that they can sense in you. Can you think of something that you can truly immerse yourself in, but should not provide pertinent information to your attacker?”
I think for a moment, then nod, “Yes, Cas, I think I can.”
“Then let’s give it a try. Lets say I want to know… here’s a popular one, who your parents are. You don’t want me to know, so fill your mind with your distracting thought. Let that become your only reality. Ready? Now I’ll try to find your parents.” He places his hand on my arm and falls silent.
I flood my mind with my feelings of loneliness, with the feeling of utter devastation at having been left to raise myself and my brother alone. I sense him encounter it and try to push beyond, but he fails. I let the memories progress, I grow far past the age of consent, past the age of marriage, but still no man will share my bed. I feel like an empty husk of a person, wanting desperately to be loved, but never finding fulfillment. Suddenly I feel the emotion echoed back to me. He is lonely too – terribly lonely. He wants to love and be loved, but he can’t; it’s always fleeting. He doesn’t wish it but it keeps happening, love always ends and life has become a hell of recurring loss. Together… together we could end the loneliness, end the isolation. Yes! I want the loneliness to end, I want to be… loved. Our lips meet, then our tongues. It is a dance I have only tasted fleetingly before, but this! Our embrace becomes heated, I feel his hands wander where only one man had briefly gone before; his lips encircle one breast while his hand thrills the other… shudders of ecstasy wrack my body. Music floods my soul, triumphant music unlike I have ever projected before. Casanova hears it; I feel his surprise, then his pleasure. Something changes in him, his touch becomes… reverent? His thoughts caress me, ‘You I could love for a very, very long time, Shi'ahn.’ My own thoughts explode in my mind, this could finally, truly be it! I won’t be alone any longer. My song joins in the ecstatic joy of my anticipation…”
His touch, his warmth is suddenly gone! “Cas?” I open my eyes and see a terrible figure looming over me; it holds Cas with one hand, dangling him in the air.
A thunderous voice exclaims, “She is not for you!” Cas is tossed to the side and disappears. The figure shrinks to a normal size and demeanor, and I recognize…
“Cailli? What have you done, why are you here?”
“I’ll not have you used and cast aside by the likes of him! You need love, yes, but he can only offer you temporary infatuation. He is incapable of true, enduring love, which is why he understands loneliness. Pity him, befriend him if you must, but do not fall under his spell.” She looks at me speculatively before she continues, “You seem to need a distraction. Come, I’ll provide you one.” She puts her arm around me and I feel warmth unlike what Casanova gave me, and yet it is more complete and fulfilling. All the excruciating echoes of torture that Lydia forced upon me recede into a disconnected memory, which, unless I purposely reach for it, drops away as though it never existed. We then become surrounded by sparkles of light, and appear within Cailli’s tower. “I have something that I think you would enjoy. Yes, this is perfect for you.”
She holds out a beautiful, captivating ring. It has a seemingly black gem that, as I look at it, I see actually contains all colors, but it keeps them within itself instead of radiating them out, as though it collects light. Not a gem, it is another crystal. She places it on my right index finger.
“Light isn’t all it collects. Figuring this out should provide you with a great deal of entertainment. Just be careful what you touch it to.”
Suddenly I’m alone in my rooms again, and yet… I don’t feel alone at all. I do, however, feel as though I could use a bath. I haven’t had one since before… well, since last night. I disrobe and note that the Crystal Cailli gave me still clings in its place. I glance in the mirror and see that visibly, there appears to be nothing there. My eyes and mind wander. For the first time in quite a while I carefully look at myself. I check every angle I can and there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with me physically; I’m certain I’m not ugly. So what is wrong with me; why can’t most men see me as a woman? Pain floods my heart, I have to force my mind away from such thoughts, they serve no purpose. Think of my current situation.
It is strange to be without the spell ring Mathair gave me so long ago, lost now within Aurora’s crystal. The ring Cailli just gave me does look nice, though. I unconsciously bring that hand up and li
ghtly caress the breast that so recently felt such pleasure… the cool caress of the ring sends a tingling thrill through me and I let my mind flood once again with the ecstasy of that moment. The ring isn’t, in my mind, a fair trade; but I will try to make the best of it I can. After I bathe.
Chapter 11
Making New Connections
I truly enjoy my leisurely bath, but all good things must come to an end. I wonder how long I have left to sleep? Wait, why am I concerned about time - there really isn’t any reason for me to stay here. I begin to concentrate on my crystal, but a thought nags at the back of my mind. Why would I leave so soon? I should stay where I belong – but… that doesn’t make sense, I can get so much more accomplished by returning to Shiral, where I can spend days inspecting my new ring while only ninebreaths will have passed here. I force the odd thought to the back of my mind and concentrate again on my crystal, thinking only of Shiral and her beautiful moons, and when I can hear the waves upon the shore, will myself through. This time I head straight to the cottage and my bed.
In the morning after a nice breakfast, I get down to work. I choose my most comfortable chair and think carefully about my new ring. Cailli said it collects things, more than just light. What else would something that feels so fascinating, collect? Sound, perhaps? Like the recording devices of the technologists? I listen to the waves out on the lake, and will the ring to collect the beautiful sounds. Nothing happens, and I get another of those feelings in the back of my mind, this isn't right, collecting sound is not a function of the ring. Then what? Power? If I were an object of Lumina that collected power, how would I do it? I concentrate on the ring, trying to connect with whatever ‘it’ is, then think of a nearby item of power; the stone circle not far from our cottage. I see nothing, but I sense a tendril rise from the black jewel. It moves in the direction of the stone circle. I try to follow it with my mind and it’s like having another eye, I sense all that exists between the cottage and the stone circle, but differently than with my eyes – this experience is… like swimming through the background energies of the physical world, seeking out the bright spark of power. I’m glad I’m here in most familiar surroundings this first time! There is a flash of magical power in my mind when the tendril touches the nearest stone, and my mind snaps back - I’m in my cottage, and the jewel has a tiny spark of light within it. That was fascinating! Existence experienced on an entirely different level. A person could get addicted to this.
Between Darkness and Light Trilogy Page 12