Chapter 21
Anger
Lucian returns to my rooms in the morning, sharing another breakfast with me.
“Shi'ahn, is there anything else, anything you can recall that would be a useful addition to my final report?”
He looks so hopeful… I redouble my efforts to dredge up any additional memories that could help shed light on ‘the Nero issue.’ “Well… I suppose I can admit that during our discussions of who could truly be responsible, it was I who initially suspected you.”
He actually smiles, “You did?”
“Yes, but… oddly, Casanova defended you, quite adamantly.”
“That’s interesting, why? How did he justify that?”
“He said… well, much of what he said of you was not particularly complementary, but he swore that you were truly devoted to Lumina, and that you would not do anything to endanger her. He said that it would take a direct order from the Emperor for you to do something so foolhardy, and that the Emperor would never order the killing of the Magni Dominar because that would eventually endanger his reign. He did say something odd though, that you were simply incapable of disobeying the Emperor. When I asked him to explain, he said something about the Emperor having placed an unusually strong oath upon you because you are such a dangerous individual. I didn’t feel that was a very good explanation, but I was sure he wouldn’t elaborate in front of our Chaos companions.”
“Wise of you. Shi'ahn, he was telling the truth, to an extent, and I suppose it makes sense that he would have thought it through. You see I was the first child my father created after Edward, Casanova’s father, disappeared. He had made Edward the perfect warrior; extremely intelligent and skilled in all ways of war, and tremendously charismatic. The charismatic trait, I believe, he added to give Edward an edge over Maximus. Edward ‘disappeared’ soon after starting a movement to have Vespasian displaced as heir apparent. After that, Father became extremely cautious; none of us born thereafter is capable of denying or betraying him or his rightful heir when the throne passes. It wouldn’t be so bad, I suppose, if he were a better man, but Vespasian… I hope to reach the end of my days before he can become my master. Whether I like it or not, you may rest assured, Shi'ahn, that I will never take any action to endanger or countermand my father.”
“Wait a breath… you mean to say that Casanova is older than you?”
“I did tell you, after your first family feast, that he was not as young as he implied. Physically, at least. His reputation was well established before I was born. It has changed little.
~~~
Lucian pauses in thought, then continues, “Shi'ahn, I have shared some rather personal information with you, and, if you don't mind, I'd like to ask you a personal question or two.”
“You may ask.”
He smiles, knowing full well that I haven't promised to answer. “You have said several times that all life is sacred. I do not understand – if you believe such a thing, then how can you justify eating meat? For that matter, how can you justify eating anything at all? Do you believe that if someone else kills it, it is already dead and therefore no longer sacred?”
“No, no, I'm not so shallow. All life is sacred, but not all life exists for the same purpose. Some exist to rule while others to serve. Some have great purposes, a destiny, so to speak, while others sacred existence is ultimately to nourish others. I have killed lesser creatures to sustain myself, but never just to kill. Killing without utilizing the prey for some greater purpose, for the sustenance or preservation of oneself or others, is sacrilege. When one does kill, it should be done as painlessly as possible, and either thanks given to the creature for its contribution, or a blessing to help it return as a more noble being.”
“So some are born to rule and feed on lesser beings, while the lesser beings exist only to nourish others?”
“No, ultimately we all decay to nourish others, that is the Circle of Life. Some merely have more to accomplish before they are allowed to rest.”
“Yet those who rule have precedence over those who serve, so the rulers may do and ultimately kill whom they wish?”
“No! It is a duty of each ruler to correctly identify the sacred purpose of others, if the individual is not able to do so for herself, and to protect and ultimately aid him or her in fulfilling their destinies.”
“You make ruling sound almost like serving.”
“When done correctly, ruling is the ultimate service.”
“And what is your calling – do you exist to rule or to serve?”
“I live to serve.”
“Exactly whom do you serve?”
“Everyone and everything – the Universe herself is my mistress. I swear to you though, that I would never do anything to betray Lumina. I am a child of Lumina, a descendant of Cailli herself – I would never betray her.”
“What about the Magni Dominar? Would you have found removing him a service to Lumina?”
“NO!!! I've already told you – inter-realm war will cause devastation to the Universe! I would never precipitate such a thing!”
“So, you serve your Universe much like I serve the Emperor; we cannot act against those we serve.” He leans forward and takes my hands in his. “Now I must ask you again, can you recall anything else that would make a useful addition to my report?”
He looks so hopeful; again I search my memories, but… nothing. I shake my head. “I’m sorry, Lucian, but I honestly can’t think of anything else significant.”
“Well, I suppose that’s it then.” I feel a surge of warmth from him, almost as though he holds not just my hands in his, but that he holds me gathered into his protective arms; then he lets go my hands and his expression turns odd, tinged with regret and loss.
“Lucian, is something wrong?” I hate to see such an expression on his face, I have come to enjoy his smile and sparkling eyes, but this look… something is terribly wrong. His face then hardens, and I once again look upon the dreaded face of Lucian the tormentor.
~~~
“I must admit, Shi'ahn, that this has been the least challenging interrogation I have ever conducted; but now it is nearly concluded.” A dagger of pain stabs through my heart as he continues, “You are far too trusting and simple, Shi'ahn. Did you honestly believe that I was that interested in the particulars of your life – just because I seemingly liked you? Haven’t your recent experiences taught you anything? I am truly disappointed in you. I would have expected you to be far more cautious in trusting suspicious behavior after what happened in Chaos!”
“But you taught me so much!”
“I was testing your knowledge, or in your case, your lack thereof. It's almost amazing what you will believe. Dense indeed! In the past you had correctly identified me as a cruel, untrustworthy bastard, and yet in these last few days you have allowed me to become your confidant, and have consistently allowed physical contact, even while we discussed personal issues. You should know from your experience with Cas Lydia how dangerous that can be; it leaves your mind completely open to a superior intellect. Defenseless. Since you appear to be a very slow learner, let me help you remember the lesson now. I want you to think on this – because of your trusting nature and the lack of observational skills of each of you on your trip to Chaos, you are each partially responsible for every single death that will occur during the war that has already begun. In fact, given that you were the only one in good placement to carefully observe 'Nero', you are more at fault than any of the others. Think of it – billions of lives could be lost on each of the worlds that become involved… and there are so many populated worlds in the multitude of galaxies in our realm. Chaos is boiling over in fury, destroying all they can of our realm, and it’s all to a rather significant degree, your fault.”
~~~
How long have I been staring at the door he closed behind himself? I can’t believe it! How could I have trusted him again, after what he let Lydia do to me while he stood right at my side?! I’m such a fool… and he is
the ultimate bastard for taking advantage of me! I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone, I just wanted… I wanted to feel like family, like I belonged to something greater than myself. He was so nice, so kind, thoughtful and comforting, I'd even begun to feel… But no, I should have known; the name of ill omen should have been a warning. Lucian, Lucifer, tormentor of all those not worthy. Echoes tend to run true, my brother said. I’m such a fool… and now, even though I did nothing wrong, I carry the weight of countless deaths upon my soul. I hate that man; I will never forget this lesson! The dagger he thrust into my back will remain forever.
~~~
I seethe in angry darkness for ages, surrounded, engulfed in shockingly impressionistic music that screams of pain. Eventually the harmony of reason enters my song - what am I doing? Wallowing in anger and betrayal only makes it all worse; I need to distract myself from the pain. Easier thought than done, what can I do in this gilded prison? Playing the instruments wouldn’t help at all… and I no longer wish to read his books, or to enjoy anything that he has provided me with here. I feel an impulse to tear off my clothes and burn them, but with my luck the beast would stop by again just to shame me further. What do I have that he didn’t give me? The clothes I returned with, my beautiful dragon dress and my riding pantsuit disappeared while I first slept here. I still have my transport crystal… but using it would further anger the Emperor to be sure. It would not serve Gaea well at all if I were to contact her in my current state. My power siphon ring! Cailli herself called it a good distraction; maybe this is what she meant it for. Actually attaching it to something might upset the Emperor, but if I just use it to explore – what possible harm could that bring?
I quiet my mind as best I can, which takes far less time than I had expected - probably because letting go the anger and pain feels like a small victory over Lucian. My mind freed of the chains of guilt, I imagine a power link tendril rising from the ring and feel a sudden rush as it works – it feels strong here. Does that make sense? I’m in the great tower now, so close to the Spire that reality is at it’s strongest. This ring must be powerful indeed; I still don’t understand why Grandmother gave it to me. She must have a reason, though. At first I use it to investigate the Spire itself… it is… absolutely shielded, as if it doesn't even exist - fascinating. I turn my attention to that which lies without the spire, and it confuses me. How can reality simply end just outside the Spire? I delve deeper, attempting to examine the nature of the Universe, or more precisely, the edge of the Universe, just at the point where there is first space between the edge of the Universe and the great mountain.
It’s still difficult to comprehend the concept – ever since I had stood within the Lunarium I had thought of the Universe as infinite, and yet here it is, a barrier beyond which… there is no beyond. My mind can't accept it – no matter what truth the ring presents to me, I keep searching, keep pushing for more. Nothing. Perhaps the ring doesn't have the capability to go beyond that barrier? What can then? I do know of one thing that seems to be able to push beyond seemingly impregnable barriers – Harmony! Using the ring now only to carry my consciousness, I use my Harmony to push at the barrier. I listen and listen and… listen - I pour everything I have into my effort. I hear – a faint echo of something… very strange, very discordant. The strangeness grows louder, more distinct, as though it rushes toward me, then… something terrible seems to jump at me – something from the other side.
Fire sears my mind! Pain… tearing me apart - Ancient, evil - Hunger! I scream into the darkness. The monster vanishes, but the pain becomes my only reality. My soul is torn - it drains away while terrible things rush in to take its place.
“Beasts, Horrors, Tears in the Dark!” Shadows swirl around me, consuming me then spitting me out, less whole than before. Fire burns my skin. Horrific visions flood my mind, “The rivers run red with blood; death and destruction of all comes for us.” Popping noises, I hear popping, crackling, tearing. I crouch down, covering my ears; I try to hide from the sounds, but I am surrounded in both space and time – there is no escape. “We will be consumed! ABOMINATIONS!!!”
***
Cailliach appears in an uncharacteristically intense burst of light, and enfolds Shi'ahn in her arms, returning them to her tower. Lucian bursts in, attempting to approach Shi'ahn.
Cailliach turns to him in anger, “The last thing she needs now is the presence of the one who drove her to this! Begone, this crisis is mine to resolve.’ Cailliach waves her hand dismissively and he is sent away.
***
I feel Cailli's arms curl protectively around me and my soul floods with calming music, returning some semblance of rational thought to my mind, then she takes me to a strange chamber. There is nothing in it but a single monolith, and around the perimeter of the chamber a complex and beautiful display of crystals forms a spiral staircase that ascends beyond my sight. The crystals are far more intricate than I have seen before, and vary between absolutely clear on the lower level, to shades of the same colors of the citadel stone, first the blues and then shades of indigo, violet, and finally ultraviolet. I recognize it from what William has described, it is the Staircase of Enlightenment, but we do not approach it. She shifts me in her arms and catches my eyes… I am lost in the depth of her gaze.
“Shi'ahn, you must listen to me, focus on my voice. The staircase interacts with the ascender according to the state of one's mind. Look into my eyes and tell me, what is the most powerful force in this entire Universe?”
I don’t understand, all is darkness, we are doomed – what power remains in our Universe?
“Think back, Shi'ahn, to your earliest teachings. What is the most important thing in all the Universe?”
I think back to my childhood, and thoughts of Mathair blossom in my mind. “Love. Love is the most important.”
“Yes! Very good, Shi'ahn. Now think of Love, and of when you felt it the most strongly. What were you doing?”
“Dancing and singing with Mathair.”
“Then sing and dance with her again, and fill yourself with what you felt then.”
I do as she asks. The joy of the dance forces the pain to recede, and I give myself over more completely to the memory. Her love drives out the terrible dark things that have taken root in my soul – there is hope left. Cailli takes my hand in hers and produces an ornamental knife, with which she pricks her thumb, then mine. She places our wounds together so that a single bead of blood forms between us. She smiles and levitates our combined blood to the monolith.
“Keep thinking of dancing with your Mathair, Shi'ahn, envelop yourself in the love she taught you to revel in.” Our blood reaches the monolith, which explodes in rainbows of light that are caught in and reflected out by the crystals surrounding us. I vaguely notice the light of victory behind Cailli’s eyes, and then we are rising up. Even though we do not walk upon the crystals, they still offer up their knowledge to me. I shouldn't be able to withstand it, but Cailli strengthens me. By the stars in the sky, how can there be so much knowledge in the Universe? Wonder joins the love I've entwined myself within. I can feel and hear Cailli's mind easing my way, helping my mind evolve to contain all I am being given. There is so much light, a small part of my mind understands why William couldn't describe it to his satisfaction. And everything, the knowledge, the light, it is all perfectly accompanied by music; the crystals sing much like I do, but more perfectly; I am humbled. We continue to rise up, up, beyond the eighth platform, beyond the visible end of the chamber. As we rise, my mind continues to flood with knowledge beyond anything I have ever even contemplated before; I begin to understand…
My mind clears enough for me to notice us reach what seems as though it should be the end of our journey, and yet it does not end. We enter the Spire of the Universe, the end of it, one would think. All becomes compressed into a single dimension, a dimension of pure Harmony, and then… then something else appears, a metaphysical reality. We stand in an amazing clearing
within a grove of ancient trees. There is a single tree in the center, similar to an oak, but silvery and with very limber branches. It reaches down and touches my brow – the epicenter of the pain I had recently experienced, and… it sings to me. My body and soul become a vessel filled with the most wondrous song I have ever heard; I hear my name in the song, but not as it is spoken, it sings in Harmony. Over and over I hear my name expressed more truly than ever before and it fills me with… power of some kind; its music surrounds us, hopeful and triumphant; then all goes violet.
~~~
I awake in my gilded prison, mentally and emotionally tired beyond imagination, and yet physically energized beyond my experience. It is a strange, confusing feeling – what has happened to me? The pain is gone, certainly. Even if it wasn't, there is so much in my mind now I don't know if I would notice pain, there doesn't seem room for anything but wonder. Why has Cailli left me like this? Couldn't she have stayed and helped me deal with the confusion? I long to be held, soothed, as Mathair used to do when I was in need. Now all I can think to do is take a bath, maybe that will return some normalcy to my being. I choose soothing scents for the bathwater, light every candle I find, and surrender myself to the peacefulness of warm, welcoming water. After a while I notice that it's lighter in here than it ought to be – candles don't give off violet light – they always burn yellow. Where is the light coming from? The bath water? That's strange. I lift my arm out and realize – the light is coming from me! Why am I glowing?
“Cailli? What have you done to me?” She appears sitting on the edge of my tub.
“You were broken, your soul cracked open and metaphysically invaded by the creatures. I helped you drive them out, and then cured you. It's all right, you are stronger now, better. Your soul is whole again.”
Between Darkness and Light Trilogy Page 29