by Jane Bowles
Mrs. Quill took some keys from the top of her dresser and motioned to Mrs. Copperfield to follow her. They walked through some halls and up a flight of stairs and Mrs. Quill opened the door of one of the rooms.
"Is it near Pacifica's?" asked Mrs. Copperfield.
Mrs. Quill without answering led her back through the halls and stopped near Pacifica's room.
"This is dearer," said Mrs. Quill, "but it's near Miss Pacifica's room if that's your pleasure and you can stand the noise."
"What noise?"
"She'll start yammering away and heaving things around the minute she wakes up in the morning. It don't affect her any. She's tough. She hasn't got a nerve in her body."
"Mrs. Quill—"
"Yes."
"Could you have someone bring me a bottle of gin to my room?"
"I think I can do that. . . . Well, I hope you are comfortable." Mrs. Quill walked away. "I'll have your bag sent up," she said, looking over her shoulder.
Mrs. Copperfield was appalled at the turn of events.
"I thought," she said to herself, "that they would go on the way they were forever. Now I must be patient and wait until everything is all right again. The longer I live, the less I can foresee anything." She lay down on the bed, put her knees up, and held onto her ankles with her hands.
"Be gay ... be gay ... be gay," she sang, rocking back and forth on the bed. There was a knock on the door and a man in a striped sweater entered the room without wailing for an answer to his knock.
"You ask for a bottle of gin?" he said.
"I certainly did—hooray!"
"And here's a suitcase. I'm putting it down here."
Mrs. Copperfield paid him and he left.
"Now," she said, jumping off the bed, "now for a little spot of gin to chase my troubles away. There just isn't any other way that's as good. At a certain point gin takes everything off your hands and you flop around like a little baby. Tonight I want to be a little baby." She took a hookerful, and shortly after that another. The third one she drank more slowly.
The brown shutters of her window were wide open and a small wind was bringing the smell of frying fat into the room. She went over to the window and looked down into the alleyway which separated the Hotel de las Palmas from a group of shacks.
There was an old lady seated in a chair in the alleyway, eating her dinner.
"Eat every bit of it!" Mrs. Copperfield said. The old lady looked up dreamily, but she did not answer.
Mrs. Copperfield put her hand over her heart. "Le bonheur," she whispered, "le bonheur . , . what an angel a happy moment is—and how nice not to have to struggle too much for inner peace! I know that I shall enjoy certain moments of gaiety, willy-nilly. No one among my friends speaks any longer of character—and what interests us most, certainly, is finding out what we are like."
"Copperfield!" Pacifica burst into the room. Her hair was messy and she seemed to be out of breath. "Come on downstairs and have some fun. Maybe they are not the kind of men you like to be with, but if you don't like them you just walk away. Put some rouge on your face. Can I have some of your gin, please?"
"But a moment ago you said the time for fun was over!"
"What the hell!"
"By all means what the hell," said Mrs. Copperfield. "That's music to anyone's ears, ... If you could only stop me from thinking, always, Pacifica."
"You don't want to stop thinking. The more you can think, the more you are better than the other fellow. Thank your God that you can think."
Downstairs in the bar Mrs. Copperfield was introduced to three or four men.
"This man is Lou," said Pacifica, pulling out a stool from under the bar and making her sit next to him.
Lou was small and over forty. He wore a light-weight gray suit that was too tight for him, a blue shirt, and a straw hat.
"She wants to stop thinking," said Pacifica to Lou.
"Who wants to stop thinking?" asked Lou.
"Copperfield. The little girl who is sitting on a stool, you big boob."
"Boob yourself. You're gettin' just like one of them New York girls," said Lou.
"Take me to Nueva York, take me to Nueva York," said Pacifica, bouncing up and down on her stool.
Mrs. Copperfield was shocked to see Pacifica behaving in this kittenish manner.
"Remember the belly buttons," said Lou to Pacifica.
"The belly buttons! The belly buttons!" Pacifica threw up her arms and screeched with delight.
"What about the belly buttons?" asked Mrs. Copperfield.
"Don't you think those two are the funniest words in the whole world? Belly and button—belly and button—in Spanish it is only ombligo."
"I don't think anything's that funny. But you like to laugh, so go ahead and laugh," said Lou, who made no attempt to talk to Mrs. Copperfield at all.
Mrs. Copperfield pulled at his sleeve. "Where do you come from?" she asked him.
"Pittsburgh."
"I don't know anything about Pittsburgh," said Mrs. Copperfield. But Lou was already turning his eyes in Pacifica's direction.
"Belly button," he said suddenly without changing his expression. This time Pacifica did not laugh. She did not seem to have heard him. She was standing up on the rail of the bar waving her arms in an agitated and officious manner. -
"Well, well," she said, "I see that nobody has yet bought for Copperfield a drink. Am I with grown men or little boys? No, no . . . Pacifica will find other friends." She started to climb down from the bar, commanding Mrs. Copperfield to follow her. In the meantime she knocked off the hat of the man who was seated next to her with her elbow.
"Toby," she said to him, "you ought to be ashamed." Toby had a sleepy fat face and a broken nose. He was dressed in a dark brown heavy-weight suit.
"What? Did you want a drink?"
"Of course I wanted a drink." Pacifica's eyes were flashing.
Everyone was served and she settled back on her stool. "Come on now," she said, "what are we going to sing?"
"I'm a monotone," said Lou.
"Singing ain't in my line," said Toby.
They were all surprised to see Mrs. Copperfield throw her head back as though filled with a sudden feeling of exaltation and start to sing.
"Who cares if the sky cares to fall into the sea
Who cares what banks fail in Yonkers
As long as you've got the kiss that conquers
Why should I care?
Life is one long jubilee
As long as I care for you
And you care for me."
"Good, fine . . , now another one," said Pacifica in a snappy voice.
"Did you ever sing in a club?" Lou asked Mrs. Copperfield. Her cheeks were very red.
"Actually, I didn't. But when I was in the mood, I used to sing very loudly at a table in a restaurant and attract a good bit of attention."
"You wasn't such good friends with Pacifica the last time I was in Colon."
"My dear man, I wasn't here. I was in Paris, I suppose."
"She didn't tell me you were in Paris. Are you a screwball or were you really in Paris?"
"I was in Paris. . . . After all, stranger things have happened."
"Then you're fancy?"
"What do you mean, fancy?"
"Fancy is what fancy does.'"
"Well, if you care to be mysterious it's your right, but the word 'fancy' doesn't mean a thing to me."
"Hey," said Lou to Pacifica, "is she trying to be highhat with me?"
"No, she's very intelligent. She's not like you."
For the first time Mrs. Copperfield sensed that Pacifica was proud of her. She realized that all this time Pacifica had been waiting to show her to her friends and she was not so sure that she was pleased. Lou turned to Mrs. Copperfield again.
"I'm sorry, Duchess. Pacifica says you got something on the ball and that I shouldn't address myself to you."
Mrs. Copperfield was bored with Lou, so she jumped down and went and stood be
tween Toby and Pacifica. Toby was talking in a thick low voice with Pacifica.
"I'm tellin' you if she gets a singer in here and paints the place up a little she could make a lot of money on the joint. Everybody knows it's a good place to hit the hay in, but there ain't no music. You're here, you got a lot of friends, you got a way with you. . . ."
"Toby, I don't want to start with music and a lot of friends. I'm quiet. . . ."
"Yeah, you're quiet. This week you're quiet and maybe next week you won't want to be so quiet."
"I don't change my mind like that, Toby. I have a boy friend. I don't want to live in here much longer, you know."
"But you're livin' here now."
"Yes."
"Well, you want to make a little money. I'm tellin' you, with a little money we could fix up the joint."
"But why must I be here?"
"Because you got contacts."
"I never saw such a man. Talking all the time about business."
"You're not such a bad one for business yourself. I saw you hustlin' up a drink for that pal of yours. You get your cut, don't you?"
Pacifica kicked Toby with her heel.
"Listen, Pacifica, I like to have fun. But I can't see somethin' that could be coinin' the money takin' in petty cash."
"Stop being so busy." Pacifica pushed his hat off his head. He realized there was nothing to be done and sighed.
"How's Emma?" he asked her listlessly.
"Emma? I have not seen her since that night on the boat. She looked so gorgeous dressed up like a sailor."
"Women look fantastic dressed up in men's clothes," put in Mrs. Copperfield with enthusiasm.
"That's what you think," said Toby. "They look better to me in ruffles."
"She was only talking for a minute they look nice," said Pacifica.
"Not for me," said Toby.
"All right, Toby, maybe not for you, but for her they look nice that way,"
"I still think I'm right. It ain't only a matter of opinion."
"Well, you can't prove it mathematically," said Mrs. Copperfield. Toby looked at her with no interest in his face.
"What about Emma?" said Pacifica. "You are really not interested finally in somebody?"
"You asked me to talk about somethin' besides business, so I asked you about Emma, just to show how sociable I am. We both know her. We were on a party together. Ain't that the right thing to do? How's Emma, how's your momma and poppa. That's the kind of talk you like. Next I tell you how my family is gettin' along and maybe I bring in another friend who we both forgot we knew, and then we say prices are goin' up and comes the revolution and we all eat strawberries. Prices are goin' up fast and that's why I wanted you to cash in on this joint."
"My God!" said Pacifica, "my life is hard enough and I am all alone, but I can still enjoy myself like a young girl. You, you are an old man."
"Your life don't have to be hard, Pacifica."
"Well, your life is still very hard and you are always trying to make it easy. That's the hardest part even of your life."
"I'm just waitin' to get a break. With my ideas and a break my life can be easy overnight."
"And then what will you do?"
"Keep it that way or maybe make it even easier. I'll be plenty busy."
"You will never have any time for anything."
"What's a guy like me want time for—plantin' tulips?'' "You don't enjoy to talk to me, Toby."
"Sure, You're friendly and cute and you got a good brain aside from a few phony ideas."
"And what about me? Am I friendly and cute too?" asked Mrs. Copperfield.
"Sure. You're all friendly and cute."
"Copperfield, I think we have just been insulted," said Pacifica, drawing herself up.
Mrs. Copperfield started to march out of the room in mock anger, but Pacifica was already thinking of something else and Mrs. Copperfield found herself to be in the ridiculous position of the performer who is suddenly without an audience. She came back to the bar.
"Listen," said Pacifica, "go upstairs and knock on Mrs. Quill's door. Tell her that Mr. Toby wants to meet her very much. Don't say Pacifica sent you. She will know this anyway and it will be easier for her if you don't say it. She will love to come down. That I know like if she was my mother."
"Oh, I'd love to, Pacifica," said Mrs. Copperfield, running out of the room.
When Mrs. Copperfield arrived in Mrs. Quill's room, Mrs. Quill was busy cleaning the top drawer of her dresser. It was very quiet in her room and very hot.
"I never have the heart to throw these things away," said Mrs. Quill, turning around and patting her hair. "I suppose you've met half of Colon," she said sadly, studying Mrs. Copperfield's flushed face.
"No, I haven't, but would you care to come down and meet Mr. Toby?"
"Who is Mr. Toby, dear?"
"Oh, please come, please come just for me."
"I will, dear, if you'll sit down and wait while I change into something better."
Mrs. Copperfield sat down. Her head was spinning, Mrs. Quill pulled out a long black silk dress from her closet. She drew it over her head and then selected some strings of black beads from her jewel-box, and a cameo pin. She powdered her face carefully and stuck several more hairpins into her hair.
"I'm not going to bother to take a bath," she said when she had finished. "Now, do you really think that I should meet this Mr. Toby, or do you think perhaps another night would be better?"
Mrs. Copperfield took Mrs. Quill's hand and pulled her out of the room. Mrs. Quill's entrance into the barroom was gracious and extremely formal. She was already using the hurt that her beau had caused her to good advantage.
"Now, dear," she said quietly to Mrs. Copperfield, "tell me which one is Mr. Toby."
"That one over there, sitting next to Pacifica," Mrs. Copperfield said hesitantly. She was fearful lest Mrs. Quill should find him completely unattractive and leave the room.
"I see. The stout gentleman,"
"Do you hate fat people?"
"I don't judge people by their bodies. Even when I was a young girl I liked men for their minds. Now that I'm middle-aged I see how right I was."
"I've always been a body-worshipper," said Mrs. Copperfield, "but that doesn't mean that I fall in love with people who have beautiful bodies. Some of the bodies I've liked have been awful. Come, let's go over to Mr. Toby."
Toby stood up for Mrs. Quill and took off his hat.
"Come sit down with us and have a drink."
"Let me get my bearings, young man. Let me get my bearings."
"This bar belongs to you, don't it?" said Toby, looking worried.
"Yes, yes," said Mrs. Quill blandly. She was staring at the top of Pacifica's head, "Pacifica," she said, "don't you drink too much. I have to watch out for you,"
"Don't you worry, Mrs. Quill. I have been taking care of myself for a long time." She turned to Lou and said solemnly: "Fifteen years." Pacifica was completely natural. She behaved as though nothing had occurred between her and Mrs. Quill. Mrs. Copperfield was enchanted. She put her arms around Mrs. Quill's waist and hugged her very tight.
"Oh," she said, "oh, you make me so happy!"
Toby smiled, "The girl's feelin' good, Mrs. Quill. Now don't you want a drink?"
"Yes, I'll have a glass of gin. It pains me the way these girls come away from their homes so young. I had my home and my mother and my sisters and my brothers until the age of twenty-six. Even so, when I got married I felt like a scared rabbit. As if I was going out into the world. Mr. Quill was like a family to me, though, and it wasn't until he died that I really got out into the world. I was in my thirties then, and more of a scared rabbit than ever. Pacifica's really been out in the world much longer than I have. You know, she is like an old sea captain. Sometimes I feel very silly when she tells me of some of her experiences. My eyes almost pop right out of my head. It isn't so much a question of age as it is a question of experience. The Lord has spared me more than he has spar
ed Pacifica. She hasn't been spared a single thing. Still, she's not as nervous as I am."
"Well, she certainly don't know how to look out for herself for someone who's had so much experience," said Toby. "She don't know a good thing when she sees it."
"Yes, I expect you're right," said Mrs. Quill, warming up to Toby.
"Sure I'm right. But she's got lots of friends here in Panama, ain't she?"
"I dare say Pacifica has a great many friends," said Mrs. Quill.
"Come on, you know she's got lots of friends, don't you?"
As Mrs. Quill looked as though she had been somewhat startled by the pressing tone in his voice, Toby decided he was hurrying things too much.
"Who the hell cares, anyway?" he said, looking at her out of the corner of his eye. This seemed to have the right effect on Mrs. Quill, and Toby breathed a sigh of relief.
Mrs. Copperfield went over to a bench in the corner and lay down. She shut her eyes and smiled.
"That's the best thing for her," said Mrs. Quill to Toby. "She's a nice woman, a dear sweet woman, and she'd had a little too much to drink. Pacifica, she can really take care of herself like she says, I've seen her drink as much as a man, but with her it's different. As I said, she's had all the experience in the world. Now, Mrs. Copperfield and me, we have to watch ourselves more carefully or else have some nice man watching out for us."
"Yeah," said Toby, twisting around on his stool. "Bartender, another gin. You want one, don't you?" he asked Mrs. Quill.
"Yes, if you'll watch out for me."
"Sure I will. I'll even take you home in my arms if you fall down."
"Oh, no." Mrs. Quill giggled and flushed. "You wouldn't try that, young man. I'm heavy, you know."
"Yeah. . . . Say—"
"Yes?"
"Would you mind telling me something?"
"I'd be delighted to tell you anything you'd like to hear."
"How is it you ain't never bothered to fix this place up?"
"Oh, dear, isn't it awful? I've always promised myself I would and I never get around to it."
"No dough?" asked Toby. Mrs. Quill looked vague. "Haven't you got no money to fix it up with?" he repeated.
"Oh yes, certainly I have." Mrs. Quill looked around at the bar. "I even have some things upstairs that I always promised myself to hang up on the walls here. Everything is so dirty, isn't it? I feel ashamed."