by Judy Kentrus
“He is very generous, and you’ll meet him at the rehearsal dinner. When do you expect your parents to arrive?”
“You know they hate to fly, so they’re driving their motor home cross-country and should be here by Wednesday. They are taking the southern route to avoid snowstorms.”
“Let’s hope we don’t get one the day of the wedding.”
“Speaking of parents,” Jennie said, “I spoke to your mother this afternoon and she asked me to pass along a message. She couldn’t be here tonight. Your father is playing one of the three kings in the Christmas pageant at their church and she is handling the Sunday school children. She’ll call you tomorrow to get the details about the shower.”
“With everything that has been going on this week, I totally forgot about their church pageant.” Cindi glanced around at the decorations and was glad her mother couldn’t attend.
Jennie reached into a gift bag and pulled out a T-shirt. “You’re not properly dressed.”
I’m the Naughty Bride-to-be was boldly printed on a lavender shirt.
“When in Rome.” Cindi laughed and stripped off her sweatshirt and put on her gift.
“Let’s get this party started!” Samantha opened one of the bottles of Perrier-Jouet Blason and poured the champagne into tall fluted glasses. All heads turned when the doors opened and three additional guests slowly made their way into the party.
“Hold it! You can’t have a personal shower for our girl without us,” Sadie, Muriel, and Bertie announced.
Cindi rushed over to the three ladies from her Saturday morning bingo crew. All were wearing their new scarves and beads. “This is a wonderful surprise. Did someone from the center drop you off?”
“Are you kidding? They are all a bunch of old farts thinking we’re too old to go out at night. Don’t have a license anymore, but I took the special van and drove us here,” Bertie proudly announced to the entire room.
Cindi was mortified the white-haired woman would do such a thing. They’d taken her license away due to vision impairment, among other things. “You mean you stole the van and drove illegally!” Cindi hesitated, staring at the withered fingers clutching the hook of a black cane. “All of you are walking.”
“Ah, fishcakes! I’m trying not to curse too much. We only use the scooters to get from one place to the other a lot faster. We distracted the night guard and told him there was a fight in the TV room. Went in the social worker’s office and got the keys from the top draw of her desk and took off in the van. It was a perfect getaway.”
“You could have gotten into an accident.”
“Ever hear of the saying ‘if-a, coulda, shoulda, woulda, maybe’? Well, we ain’t getting any younger, and I got us here in one piece.” Her birth certificate said she was ninety, but her mind was a youthful fifty, and she took enormous pleasure in the balloons. “Great decorations. That yellow one reminds me of husband two. On the small size, but what he lacked in size, he had in stamina.”
Cindi swallowed the lump of embarrassment in her throat. Hopefully the others would overlook Bertie’s frank comments due to her age. She put an arm around Bertie’s frail shoulders. “We’re glad you three arrived safe and sound. Have a seat at the table. We were just about to have champagne, but first let me introduce you to everyone.”
Once the champagne had been passed around, Samantha, as the maid of honor, asked everyone to raise their glasses to make a toast to the bride-to-be, but she was interrupted by Muriel. “I’ve buried four husbands and would like to give Cindi a piece of advice. No woman can be happy if a man’s tallywacker is less than seven inches long.”
Cindi wasn’t sure how to react to Muriel’s bold words of wisdom and just smiled, mentally preparing herself for anything.
“That’s sound advice.” Sallie Mae jumped right in with an affirmative nod. “Men should be like coffee: strong, hot, and not let you sleep the whole night. My second husband was like that, God rest his soul.”
“Well, I’ve only been married one time,” Sadie interjected. “I kicked his ass out after fifteen years because he couldn’t keep his horse in the stable. When you think about it, men are born between a woman’s legs, and that is the reason they try to get back there the rest of their life.”
“That is a very sound, reasonable conclusion,” Margaret said. “As a judge, I’ve had a lot of adulterers come before my bench, and men don’t know when to keep their fly zipped.” Margaret lifted her glass to the bride-to-be. “Cindi, sex to a man is like hunger. If he can’t get into an expensive French restaurant, he’ll go to McDonald’s.” Margaret picked up another bottle and refilled all the glasses.
Jessie had taken a seat next to Lisa Kay, but her very pregnant friend refused the champagne and sipped a cup of plain tea. “Let’s check out the desserts. You are eating for three.” Jessie put a hand to Lisa Kay’s arm to help her stand up.
“Thanks. I’ve got two more months to go. These baby boys can’t get here soon enough. I hope everyone likes what I brought. When I stuffed the strawberries, I added orange liqueur to the cream cheese to give it a little extra flavor.”
Jessie helped herself to two of Lisa’s strawberries, a fruit kabob, and two watermelon pops. “I made chocolate beer cupcakes with whiskey filling and used Bailey’s Irish Cream in the icing.”
“I better not eat any,” Lisa said. “My babies will be doing the jig all night.”
Samantha stepped up to the table and helped herself to a rum ball. “Wow! These are delicious. The flavor is so intense,” she said, and selected a second confection. “Who brought these?”
“Oh, I did,” Suzie Q said. “I couldn’t find any regular rum, so I used Tom’s one hundred fifty-one proof that he only drinks on special occasions.”
“I hope everyone tries my fruitcake,” Margaret said. “I used my great-grandmother Struck’s recipe. The fruit is soaked in brandy for a month.”
Julie dipped the skewer of pineapple, apricots, peaches, and cherries into the dark chocolate sauce being kept warm in a copper fondue pot. “I didn’t have time to bake, so I brought the fruit kabobs. The sauce recipe calls for cherry brandy.”
“If you think the fruit kabobs are good, wait until you taste the watermelon pops. I had Samantha pick me up a bottle of vodka and I dumped the entire thing in this morning,” Sallie Mae said, sampling a piece of fruitcake and rum balls.
Alexis bit into her second fresh strawberry, wondering what the unique flavor was in the cream cheese. “I wanted to bring a bourbon pecan pie, but Samantha suggested finger desserts, so I used the mini-cupcake pans. The recipe called for three tablespoons of bourbon, but I threw in two more for extra flavor.”
Bertie got great pleasure watching the ladies enjoy their desserts and decided this was the best time she’d had in a while. She wandered over to the table that displayed the drinks. The champagne was lovely and the eggnog delicious, but her eyes lit up at the sight of the little bottles wrapped in colorful foil. “I haven’t seen these in years,” she announced, and selected a Grand Mariner-filled chocolate bottle. The rich taste sparked a wonderful memory, and she helped herself to another, and another. “Me and my first husband used these little suckers when we played poker. Whoever lost the hand had to eat the chocolate and drink the liquor. By the end of the night we were tipsy, but it led to some really great sex. The rich bastard up and died, leaving me all his money. My sick family put me in an assisted living facility, hoping I would die soon. Fooled them all.” She turned away from the table and almost collided with Cindi. “Listen up, girlie. Money can’t replace love, especially on cold winter nights when you need someone to keep your feet warm.”
Cindi was worried her friend had consumed too much alcohol, but gave her an endearing smile. “I’ll remember that.” She nodded toward the dwindling row of foil-wrapped bottles. “How many have you had?”
“The chocolates? Only three.” She wasn’t about to tell Cindi she’d stashed a dozen in her oversize purse.
“Have you e
aten anything?”
“Oh, sure. Have to keep a balanced diet. Had me some of that chocolate-dipped fruit, a cupcake, bunch of watermelon, couple of rum balls. Didn’t eat any strawberries. Makes me break out in hives. I had two of the pecan cups, too. I washed everything down with eggnog.” Bertie smacked her lips. “Mighty tasty.”
According to Cindi’s calculation, Bertie had consumed an entire liquor store of booze. “I think you need some coffee.”
“Only if I can have it with a shot of Sambuca.”
“Another time.” Cindi guided Bertie back to her seat at the table.
She was about to suggest to Samantha that her guests, who were feeling no pain, could use some coffee, but paused at the sound of tipsy giggling. Suzie Q stood up and thrust out her empty glass of eggnog. “I’ve got something to say. Men mostly hate the words not and enough, unless you say them together!”
The punch-drunk women burst out in a fit of slaphappy laughter.
“No, no.” Julie stood up and grasped the edge of the table to keep herself steady. “Remember, sex for a man is a goal, and a tool for a woman. I think I’ll ask Scott for a tool box for Christmas!”
The women put their hands together and clapped. Jennie put her pinkies in her mouth, and a shrill whistle filled the room.
“I’ve got one better.” Alexis stood up and rested a steadying hand on Julie’s shoulder. “This is coming from a woman who owns a cleaning service. Some men know that women dream of having two men at the same time. What they don’t understand is in these fantasies, one naked, hunky guy is cleaning the house and the other is cooking.”
The howling and merriment got louder and wilder.
Jennie polished off the last of her chocolate-dipped fruit, two strawberries, and four rum balls, and lined up the six toothpicks from her watermelon pops. She stood up and thrust out her third glass of champagne, spilling some on the orchid tablecloth. “Hear ye! Hear ye!” The pink penis balloon brushed her cheek, and she moved it aside with her hand. “Pardon me,” she slurred. “I’ve seen a guy with a similar size and color, but he didn’t need helium to fuel his staying power.”
Her audience whoop-whooped in response.
“Thank you, thank you,” she said, doing an Elvis Presley impersonation, and took another drink of chilled bubbly. “Now where was I? Oh, yeah, I’ve never been married. You know why? Men think with the teeny-tiny brain between their legs and not the one in their head. You won’t find this advice in any nature book, but men are like frogs. The most important thing a woman can do is jump on them faster.”
Peals of laughter rang out, joined by a few ribbit, ribbits.
“Frogs! Frogs!” Julie shoved up, pushed her chair back, and fell on her ass. She got up quickly and braced herself against the mayor’s shoulder. “I’m okay.” She tried to say it with a straight face, but broke out into a fit of giggles. “I’ve got a secret, but everyone has to cross their hearts and promise not to tell a soul what I’m about to say.” She didn’t wait to see if the women made the sign of a cross on their chests. “Scott has a big blue frog costume and I did a striptease to the song ‘I’m In Love With a Big Blue Frog.’”
“That’s it? I’ve got a story about a feather boa and what happens when you put it between a man’s legs,” Alexis began.
Cindi had heard enough. At the rate these women were going, she’d be able to compile a book entitled Naughty Wisdom Sayings and Embarrassing Moments. Maybe if she opened her presents, it would distract them enough from the liquored-up desserts.
“Samantha, I think everyone could use some coffee. Then I can start opening my gifts.”
“I was thinking the same thing.”
“Don’t forget the Sambuca,” Bertie called out when Samantha headed for the door to the kitchen.
It had been a long time since she’d laughed so much, Samantha admitted, and plugged in the commercial-grade coffee maker that she’d set up ahead of time. She turned when Jessie entered the kitchen.
“They’re all drunk!” Jessie placed the mugs on a tray along with sugar and creamers. “When we suggested everyone bring something, I never dreamed they would add liquor to everything. I can see the write-up now in the Laurel Heights paper. ‘Mayor Margaret Taylor and prominent attorney at law, along with police lieutenant and wife of City Council member, participate in drunken orgy and shield geriatric car thief.’”
Samantha’s lips turned up in a smile. “When you think about it, the situation is comical. They livened up this party. How about I whip up some real food to go along with coffee?”
“That should sober them up,” Jessie agreed. “How come you aren’t three sheets to the wind?”
“When everyone bragged about their contribution to the party, I stopped eating. Those rum balls made me feel lightheaded. How do we get Muriel, Sadie, and Bertie back to the center without her being charged with driving without a license and stealing the vehicle?”
“When I went to the ladies’ room, I played my official police lieutenant’s card and called Sunny Meadow,” Jessie said. “I spoke to the same night guard who was made to look like a fool by three elderly women and advised him of the situation. I mentioned it wouldn’t look good for their reputation if word got out their security is so lacking that three of their residents were able to walk out and take the van. He was very grateful and planned to cancel the stolen vehicle alert. I told him we would make sure the ladies got home, along with their van.”
“I always said, Lincoln married a smart woman.”
“I’ll bring the coffee and let them know food is on the way.”
An hour later, the ladies had consumed scrambled eggs, fried potatoes, bacon, and silver-dollar pancakes. Everyone agreed food was the perfect antidote to their delicious desserts. When a second round of coffee was served, Cindi started on her presents.
The first gift was a beautiful basket wrapped in colorful cellophane.
“That’s from Julie and I,” Alexis said. “It contains bath oils, edible body paint in a variety of flavors, erotic fortune cookies, and a book. You and Preston can write your own bucket list of places to have sex before you die.”
“Let me know if you need any suggestions,” Muriel offered.
“I’ll keep that in mind.” Cindi opened the next package, which contained a box set of books.
“That’s from us,” Bertie said. “Go ahead, read the great titles.”
Cindi hoped she’d eventually get over blushing and read the titles. An Aphrodisiac Cookbook, Hot Sex and How to Do It, Joy of Sex, illustrated edition. Other gifts included his and her edible undies in three different flavors, personalized love coupons, shampoos, lotions, and body fragrances to enhance a husband’s sex drive. Alexis gave her a white feather boa and said it was one of the best lovemaking turn-ons.
Cindi thanked everyone for a wonderful evening. Preston was going to benefit from all of their sensuous gifts. She would also keep their words of wisdom in mind.
The women were relaxing with another cup of coffee when there was a knock at the door.
“Don’t tell me it’s someone late for the party,” Cindi said, and went to find out the identity of their late arrival. It would be just like them to have a male stripper.
The laughter in the room came to a halt when they saw Officer Lynch standing in the doorway. He looked fit in his regulation police uniform. He’d removed his cap, and shifted from foot to foot.
“Woo-hoo!” Muriel cheered. “Come on in, honey. Take your clothes off!”
Cindi felt sorry for the young officer, whose face turned bright red. “Just ignore her.”
“Sorry to bother you, Ms. Sullivan.”
Jessie stood up. “I’ll handle this,” she said, and approached one of her best officers. “Is there a problem?”
He looked nervously at his lieutenant and almost lost it when he noticed the penis balloon close to Judge Margaret Taylor’s head. “We have a situation. A van that was reported stolen from Spring Meadow Assisted Living Facility is
parked in the rear of the Spoonful and three missing women are accused of stealing the vehicle. The nephew of one of the women is outside and wants to sign a complaint against everyone at the party for failure to notify the police about the stolen vehicle and harboring the thieves. This guy is a lawyer.” Officer Lynch tried not to look too carefully at the penis on the front of his lieutenant’s shirt.
Cindi met the anxious looks on the faces of the other women. They were all guilty as charged. Everyone knew what Muriel, Sadie, and Bertie had done, and this asshole lawyer was making them look like they approved the actions of three little old ladies.
A string of curses ran through Jessie’s head, but she remained professional. “The lawyer should get his story straight. I’ve already notified the center and given them the location of the three missing women They are withdrawing their claim the vehicle was stolen. Who is this guy?”
Bertie wandered over and pursed her lips at the young officer she thought was too cute to be a cop. He’d make a great Chippendale stripper. “It’s got to be that pain-in-the-ass nephew of mine. Insists I wear this ‘help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up’ doohickey. It has a special GPS locator too. We ain’t blood relatives, thank God, just a bunch of misfits by marriage who are after my money. They’d push me off a cliff if they could get away with it.”
“There you are, Aunt Bertie. I had them put out a missing persons alert on you.”
Cindi froze at the sound of a familiar voice.
Chapter 10
She shook her head. Fate could be so cruel. Thomas Leland was Bertie’s nephew. Despite it being eleven thirty at night, his platinum-framed sunglasses were propped on his head and he’d purposely opened the top four buttons on his black silk shirt. If he’d done it to impress her, he’d totally missed his mark.
“Bertie is your aunt? I never made the connection, since her name is Abbott.”