by Portia Moore
“It’s fine,” I tell him again. “I don’t need a place as big as this until the baby comes, and I don’t even need something this extravagant then. It’s nice, but I never needed anything like this.” I hesitate, and then turn off the stove burner and give him a small smile. “I’ll just go pack up my things. It won’t take long.”
“Madison, wait,” Alex says, and I turn to see him running a hand through his hair again, his face sad. “I’ll figure out something. You should stay here. You’re pregnant, and I don’t want you having to crash on Parker again or worse, ending up in some shitty apartment because there’s hardly anything available in the city.”
I can’t help it; I start to cry. The tears well up before I can blink them back and start streaming down my cheeks, he’s so kind and understanding after everything and I can see that no matter what happens between us, he’s going to be a good father and be good to me for the sake of our child. “Stop it!” I say out loud to myself, not meaning to but at the end of my rope with how emotional I’ve been. I wipe the tears away and look at Alex. “I’m sorry,” I tell him. “I know this is stupid. It feels like all I do is cry lately. I’ve turned into such a crybaby. The wind blows the wrong way, and I start to cry. I hate it.”
Alex smiles at me. “You could never be a crybaby,” he tells me firmly. “You’ve always been one of the strongest people I know.”
I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself as I think. “I used to be,” I say quietly. “And I’m trying to be again.” Hesitantly, I look up at him. “I know this sounds crazy,” I say tentatively, “but would there be a way that we could both live here? I know not together,” I add quickly, “but like roommates. Until you can find something else. I know you’re dating, but I’m sure have house or apartments…” I trail off, realizing that I’m rambling, and my cheeks flush a little as I wait for him to respond.
“I’m not dating anyone,” Alex says gently. “Yet,” he adds, and my stomach twists, my heart aching painfully as it reminds me all over again that it will happen eventually, that he’ll find someone else and fall in love, maybe even have kids with them that we’ll have to blend into our little dysfunctional family, but I push the thoughts away. I can’t think about that right now. I’ll fall apart.
“I’m not dating anyone else for at least a year,” I say, laughing so that he knows I’m trying to make a joke, make light of it all. I force a smile, and he does too, and the air between us fills with sadness as we look at each other, that space filled with all the memories and lost hopes and dreams that I broke, that I ruined. It’s almost too painful to bear, but I force myself not to cry because I have to learn to live with this.
For our baby.
Alex sits on the sofa, looking thoughtful. He’s quiet for several long moments, and I sit down too, letting him think. Finally, he looks up at me. “It could make it easier for me to be there for you and the baby,” he says cautiously.
My heart is about to explode with happiness, but I keep my face expressionless. I know it might hurt to have Alex here, but even getting to be close to him, the possibility of him being in my life for even a little while, makes me happier than it should. I can’t think of the possible repercussions, all I can think about is the idea of living with Alex again, of feeling like there might be a chance for us.
“I have to think about it, though,” he says, standing up. “I promise I’ll be at the doctor’s appointment. I’ll see you then, Madison.”
He turns to leave then and walks out, the door closing firmly behind him.
20
Alex
I’m going to be a father. I’m having a baby.
Madison is having my baby. It still doesn’t seem real, the fact that she has a part of me growing inside of her. The first place that I think of to go after Madison gives me the news and I leave her—our?—apartment is my parents’ house. I have to tell them the news—and more than that even, I want their advice.
When I walk in, Alyssa is sitting at the kitchen table with our mom, and she takes one look at me before mumbling an excuse and slinking off to her room, not looking at me as she brushes by. She’s still hurt about me kicking her out and sending her back to our parents’ house, but I can’t bring myself to put too much stock in it right now. I have bigger things to worry about, and I’m still upset with her for lying and hiding the truth.
I sit down at the table. “Hi, honey,” Mom says, finishing up the last thing she was typing and closing the laptop. “What’s going on? I wasn’t expecting to see you today.”
“I got some news,” I say, taking a deep breath as I try to relay it calmly, without all of the emotion that’s flooding me at the moment. “Well, first, I wanted to tell you that I’ve talked to Jackson. Briefly, but enough that we’ve started to communicate again. We’re trying to see what can be done to repair things. I heard him out, and I’m willing to try. But more than that…” I look at my mother, knowing she’ll be thrilled, at least at the idea of a grandchild, if not who the mother is. “Madison is pregnant.”
A huge smile immediately appears on her face, but she doesn’t look half as shocked as I thought she would, and the shock that she does manage looks manufactured. I shouldn’t be surprised, I think. Mom always has had her ways of finding these kinds of things out. “How did you know?” I ask, trying not to smile. If there’s one thing I can count on, my mother sniffing things like this out is a constant.
“Alyssa told me,” she says calmly. “And before you say anything, you need to not be mad at your sister for not telling you, or for telling me. I got it out of her, and besides that, maybe now you can see why she didn’t tell you about Madison and Jackson when she knew, since she also knew about the baby.”
“It still makes her just as bad as Jackson and Madison,” I retort. “Hiding things from me and lying to me, her own brother. While she was living with me.”
“That’s a huge stretch,” my mother says, rolling her eyes at me. “You can’t blame her for not wanting to put herself in the middle of it. And sometimes not telling the truth doesn’t mean the intentions are evil. You need to forgive your sister.” She looks at me, her tone reprimanding, and before I can say anything in return, the door opens and I hear John’s voice call out that he’s home.
“Does he know?” I ask my mother quickly before he comes into the kitchen.
She shakes her head. “No, I hadn’t said anything,” she tells me with a smile.
“Well, what’s going on here?” John asks as he sets down his briefcase and goes to the refrigerator to get a soda, sitting down at the table and looking at the two of us. “Alex, I didn’t think we’d see you today; that’s a nice surprise.” He grins and looks over at my mother. “Does this mean I’m grilling tonight? It does, doesn’t it?”
Before my mother can answer, I look over at him. “Actually, I’ve got some news. I got to tell Mom already, but I want to tell you, too.”
John glances expectantly over at me, and I can’t hide my excitement as I share it. No matter the circumstances, I’m elated that I’m going to be a father, and I can’t pretend that I feel any differently about it. “Madison is pregnant,” I tell him. “She just told me today.”
John’s eyes go wide with surprise. “And how do you feel about that?” he asks, looking between Kate and me with an expression that says he knows she must have figured it out already.
“I’m excited,” I say slowly, trying to sift through the emotions and explain how I really feel. “I always wanted to be a father. I never loved anyone the way I loved Madison, not even when I was with Holly—but I’m scared after the way things happened with Holly. It all went so wrong, and I’m scared to look forward to it, to having a baby, when it doesn’t really exist yet.”
“I’m not happy with her right now,” my mother cuts in, “but Madison is nothing like Holly, I can tell you that much. And after I talked with her, I can tell you that she wants this baby more than anything in this world. She’s not going to pull any last-mi
nute stunt like Holly did.”
I look over at her, shaking my head. “I can’t believe the two of you have been communicating,” I tell her, and she just smiles. “I was just trying to ease things along a little,” she tells me, patting my arm, and I grimace. I know how she is, and I should have known. There was no way my mother was going to sit on the sidelines with all of this happening, and let us work it out without some input from her.
I decide to let it go. I can’t fight everyone, and I don’t want to. In fact, with a baby on the way, the thing I want most is peace in our family, as much as can be managed. “I would have liked to be married when I had my first child,” I admit, glancing back over at John. “That’s one thing about this that does make me sad, a little.”
“Well, you haven’t married anyone else yet,” John hints with a smile.
My mother looks at him, appalled. “John!” she exclaims. “It’s one thing for them to co-parent, and try to be amicable with one another. It’s something else altogether for them to get back into a relationship or for him to still marry her after everything that’s happened!”
“This is Alex’s decision,” John reminds her gently. “And as his parents, we need to support whatever decision he comes to about who to be with. This is a big step.”
“Of course it is.” My mother looks back over at me intently. “Still, you need to take your time and make sure you want to be with Madison before making any big decisions, especially because you’ve just found out about something as life-changing as this baby. I want you to be sure that you’re not making this decision just out of emotion on account of this,” she says sternly. “Jackson and I co-parented successfully for years, all the way until you were an adult. You don’t have to be married or even together to make it work.”
“Yes, and I don’t want to be a father like Jackson,” I retort. “I’d rather be more like the father who raised me full time, like John.” I glance over at him, and my mother doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t have a comeback for that last statement. She looks over at John, who gives me a reassuring smile.
“You can learn from Jackson’s mistakes, and my mistakes for that matter, and be a better father than either of us were,” John tells me. “All parents make mistakes, but it doesn’t matter whether you’re with Madison or not, you can do better than your parents did. We always tried to do what was best out of love for you, and you’ll do the same thing, with all the knowledge you have.”
“You’ve got time,” my mother insists. “And you should use it to think about whether or not Madison has to be the one for you.” She puts her hands on the table, standing up. “And with that, I think maybe it’s time for us to start fixing some dinner. John, fire up the grill, will you?”
Well, Mom has picked a side, I think as I excuse myself and head down the hall to take one piece of my mother’s advice—trying to make some peace with Alyssa. And it’s very clearly the side of her grandchild. Which is good, but on the other hand, I have no idea how she’ll react if somehow Madison and I do repair our relationship.
It surprises me that I’ve started to think of this as an option. But how can it not be, at least in the back of my mind, now that I know everything?
I knock on Alyssa’s door, and when she opens it, looking at me hesitantly, I let out a long breath.“I wanted to apologize,” I tell her sincerely. “I was stressed and angry, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I’m not happy about you having guys over at my place, but I shouldn’t have blown up at you. I’m sorry, and I’m not mad at you anymore if you’re not upset with me.”
Alyssa shrugs. “It’s fine,” she tells me, giving me a half-smile. “We’re siblings, we fight. We’ll both get over it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, it just wasn’t the right time, and I thought they should have a chance to come clean on their own.”
“I know about the baby,” I tell her, and a guilty look appears on her face, but I just laugh. “It’s okay,” I say. “I get why you didn’t tell me about that either. And to be completely honest, I’m glad you didn’t. I’m glad I heard that from Madison.”
Alyssa lets out a long sigh. “I’m glad I don’t have to hide anything anymore,” she admits. “That was stressful.”
We both laugh for a moment, and then she taps her fingers against the door, looking up at me hesitantly. “So um…now that we’ve patched things up, any chance I can move back in with you? Mom and Dad are…a lot.”
I shake my head. “Well, it’s not that I wouldn’t love to have you back. But since you left, the guy who owns my building got an offer too good to refuse and sold it. I’m supposed to be out this weekend. And on top of that, Jackson managed to ‘accidentally’ finagle me into the same apartment that he’s lending to Madison so that we’d wind up having to be in the same space and maybe fall in love again, like this is some kind of wacky romantic comedy. So I’m trying to navigate that.”
Alyssa gasps. “You’re kidding! What are you going to do?”
“I think I’m going to try to stay there with her,” I admit. “To see if we can make this co-parenting thing work, for the baby. I love her. But I don’t want to resent her. I don’t want this thing that happened to hang over our heads forever, but I don’t know how to get over it completely. I don’t know if I ever can, and that’s a roadblock to everything—us getting along, or us getting back together.”
“Maybe you should try dating a little,” Alyssa suggests. “Then you can see if what you guys had is replaceable. If you can’t find it again, maybe that’s a sign. But,” she adds quickly. “I want you to know that before all of this, I thought Madison was great. And if you want to forgive her and be with her, you shouldn’t let anyone else’s opinions deter you. Especially our mother,” she emphasizes, and I can’t help but laugh at that. I head back out to the kitchen to help my mother with dinner.
I’m a little surprised at Alyssa’s response. It was very “her,” but more mature than what I’ve come to expect from her. It’s shocking to think that my little sister might be growing up, that she’s turning into someone I can confide in instead of tolerating and trying to keep out of her own scrapes. I’ve taken care of her when I can, and worried about her, but I’m glad that she’s coming into her own.
Especially since I’m going to have a kid to raise.
21
Madison
As soon as Alex leaves, I call Melissa and conference Parker in on the call. I fill both of them in on how the conversation went in the park, and they’re both thrilled that he was as happy and supportive about the baby as he was. But then I explain about the apartment mishap and Jackson’s part in it.
“So it seems like Jackson’s trying to set us up,” I finish. “There’s no way it was just an accident, especially after what he said when he came over.”
“Well, I think it’s great,” Parker declares. “This gives you the perfect opportunity to remind Alex how much he loves you. He’s going to be there every day, seeing you, seeing you go about your normal life, and he could remember how much he misses having that life with you.”
“Are you crazy?” Melissa demands. “No, this is not great. Madison, this isn’t a guarantee that Alex is going to get back together with you. And if he doesn’t, and he starts seeing other people, it’s going to drive you insane. I know how much you still love him. I know you’re desperate to figure out how to get him back, but this kind of stress can’t be good for the baby. You need to just come back to Chicago like I suggested before. Alex can fly here for appointments and the birth, and you guys can share time. This whole thing is ridiculous.”
We go back and forth for a while, but it’s pretty clear that both Melissa and Parker are set in their opinions on it—Melissa predictably thinks it’s awful, and that I need to just abandon New York and this whole convoluted mess, and Parker seems optimistic and thinks that it could work out for us, which leaves me feeling nothing but confused and anxious when I get off of the phone. I’d thought talking to them both would make me f
eel better, but I’m left sitting on the couch looking forlornly out of the French doors, wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do.
I know, deep down, that Melissa is right. This could go straight to shit. Earlier I was so sure that offering for Alex to stay here was the right thing to do, that it might bring us back together. At the very least, it would put us in proximity for the most important thing—the baby. But now all I can think about is how I’ll feel if he brings someone home—like that woman I saw him with the night I went over there—and even though I don’t think Alex would ever do something like that, how can I know for sure? I know Alex, that’s why, and I’m honestly not worried about him doing that, just knowing what he’s doing when he’s not around.
Chicago isn’t a bad idea. But I can’t imagine being so far away from Alex during the pregnancy, especially when he wants to come to the appointments, wants to be a part of it. And I want him there. The thought of not sharing that moment when we see our baby on the ultrasound for the first time, the idea of him not feeling the baby kick, makes my throat close over and my heart ache. And no matter what Melissa says, I know he can’t come out to Chicago for every appointment. Neither of us has that kind of money, not without him digging into the savings for the bar. And it’s time off of work for him, too.
And it’s not just that. All through our child’s life, there’s going to be moments he’ll miss if he’s not there, if we’re not in the same city. I want to make him as much a part of that as I can, no matter what the cost to me is, no matter if we’re together or not.
That’s the decision, I realize. I can’t go to Chicago. I have to stay here, and that’s all there is to it.
But it doesn’t make it easier.
I don’t sleep well that night at all. I’m too anxious and my thoughts won’t stop racing. I can hear Parker and Melissa’s competing voices in my head, telling me it’s a good idea, it’s not, I should stay, I should come to Chicago, and I toss and turn for what seems like forever.