by Lee Wardlow
She wiped at her eyes as she continued. I’m sorry for not making you first. I’m sorry for letting other things get in the way. I’m sorry for not making sure Ally got to make her First Communion. If this is my punishment…please let me get better. I want to see Joshua grow up. I want to see Ally get married and have children of her own. I want to grow old with Josh.
Yeah, I’ve got the ten commandments down pat. I’ve treated others as I would like to be treated. Honored my mother and father. I’ve been faithful to Josh and the family we have created. That isn’t what it’s about though is it? In my heart, I wasn’t faithful to you.
I’ll be honest God. You’ve heard me, I know. I’ve worked hard at trying to be better. I’ve worked hard about my cursing because Joshua was born especially because Joshua was born. I also got tired of filling Heath’s swear jar, I gotta be honest Lord. My son is a stickler about that one.
Seriously, I want to turn, over a new leaf because when I held my grandson and thought wow this is the most precious thing in the world. This is why, I had children. I love being a grandma. I don’t want to miss it all.
She sniffed back her tears.
I’m selfish. I like having nice, things even though my truck is a piece of shit. Sorry. I’m really, sorry, God. Turning over a new leaf takes time. That is the one thing that isn’t materialistic about me. I love that old, red Ford of mine. I’ll drive it until it won’t drive at all.
Am I too materialistic? Is that why this happened to me? Do the things in my life mean too much to me? Do I need a wake-up call to see what is really, important in my life?
Sophie remembered her teachings from Sunday school class with Kai. Half the time they didn’t pay attention. They only went because they were forced to go. Half the town of Cooper was either Catholic or Baptist. The majority being Baptist. She often wandered if the Baptists had as many rules as the Catholics did. Did they not eat meat on Fridays during Lent?
I ate meat on Friday during Lent. I won’t do it again, Lord. I don’t lie. If anything, I’m too brutally honest. Just ask Josh or Kai, they’ll tell you. Maybe I’m too harsh with the truth. Maybe I hurt people’s feelings. I don’t mean to. We both know that.
Sophie wrung her hands in front of her, watching her fingers twist together, trying to figure out all the sins she had right this minute while talking to God.
Sex. We both know, I’ve always loved sex. That was my downfall before Josh and I were married and allowed to do it without it being sinful, I mean.
Is it because we were never married in the church? Maybe we should have our marriage blessed by the church? I’ll do whatever I need to do. Help me. Please, God.
Sophie was getting tearful. So many different things were going through her head. She didn’t know which one was the right thing that was the answer to her difficulties at this very moment.
Are you there, God?
“Mind if I join you?”
She looked up. Startled by the sudden appearance of Father Paddy. He was standing in the aisle wearing his black pants, but instead of his usual golf shirt and sweater she was used to seeing him in when she bumped into him in town he was wearing an LSU Tigers sweatshirt. She knew they were his favorite football team.
Scooting down, Sophie gave Father Paddy room, so he could join her on his knees. He was silver haired now. She remembered when his hair was as black as hers and now, like then, it touched his collar. She liked his longer hair. She always had. Sophie always thought it made him cool.
His eyes were pale blue like her own. Their elbows touched as their hands were folded in front of them. For a while, they both prayed silently. She peeked at him out of the corner of her eye, realizing more about him. He was wearing his glasses today that were round, silver and smudged on the left lens. His beard needed a trim desperately. It always had been thick. If she didn’t know Paddy was a priest, he would look like a homeless man right now.
“Father Paddy,” she began not looking at him now but staring at the floor in front of her, “I have cancer.”
He turned his face towards Sophie. “I know. Ross and Kai both told me. Then your mom and Josh’s mom came to see me this week. All of them are concerned for you. You’ve been on our prayer list since you were diagnosed.”
When Sophie looked at Father Paddy, he smiled at her. “You know Ross,” he declared. “He had to get you on the prayer list and light a candle for you as soon as he knew.”
“I do. He’s always been the religious one. I’m surprised he didn’t become a priest.”
Father Paddy threw back his head and laughed. The sound reverberated throughout the empty church. “I’ve heard his confessions, Sophie. He’d never make it as a priest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
Sophie shot him a look then she chuckled at him. “Want to talk about this, Sophie?” She nodded. “Let’s sit back on the seat.”
“I don’t think God is hearing me right now. I’ve been absent for a while you know.”
“Darlin’ girl, he doesn’t stop listening just because you haven’t been inside his house, you know that.” At first, she didn’t know what to say to that. Paddy put his arm around her giving her shoulders a squeeze. “Take your time, Sophie. I’m not busy tonight.”
She laughed at him. “The first thing that crossed my mind was that I was being punished.”
He grew serious. His face compassionate as he gazed at Sophie. “No, sweetheart. You know that God doesn’t punish people by giving them cancer.”
“Then why did I get this? My life was perfect, Paddy.” She wiped her sleeve across her nose.
“I don’t know, Sophie. Do you think it’s fair that a child gets cancer?” She shook her head no. “Children are innocent. Why would he give them cancer?” She knew that Paddy was right.
“I wish I had the answer why anyone gets cancer, but I don’t. All I can suggest is that the way to get through this is using the faith you have in God. You have to know that he is right there with you to pick you up when you think you can’t get through another day.”
She glanced up at the cross. “Ross’s faith has always been stronger than mine. He’s never missed mass unless he was ill. He has become a strong member of the church as an adult. Josh and I haven’t been to church since we were twenty-five or so once Ally was baptized and Heath made his First Communion.”
Paddy interrupted her. “I don’t agree with that. Ross wears his faith on his sleeve. He proclaims his out loud. You keep your faith in your heart, but it is there, I know it. You’re different but not bad.”
“Here you sit with me as if I have never missed a day of mass in my life. Why?”
He chuckled at her. “Because you need me. Don’t you Sophie?” Father Paddy asked. “You might have been absent but you’re still a member of my parish as is your family.”
She turned her eyes to him, glistening with tears. “I do need you. I’m afraid, Father. I’m afraid I’ll die, and I won’t see Joshua grow up. I’m afraid I’ll die, and I won’t see Ally marry and have children of her own. I’m afraid that I’ll die, and Josh will find someone else and although he should I can’t bear to think of that right now.” She rambled.
Paddy chuckled at her. Then he pulled her in close and comforted her with his beefy arm around her slender shoulders. “Stop, Sophie.”
“I need absolution. I was sitting here telling God, what my sins were in my usual long-winded, round, about way…”
“Sophie,” Father Paddy interrupted her, “I remember your confessions.” He rolled his baby, blue eyes at her. “Darlin girl, you can ramble on so.”
She laughed. “You always had to tell me enough so that you and God could give me absolution so someone else could go to confession besides me.”
“I did.” His blue-eyes twinkled. “So is this visit about receiving absolution.”
“I start receiving chemo next week. I am terrified. I want to feel like I am forgiven.”
“What did you do that was so bad Sophie?” Fat
her Paddy asked.
She was quiet for a while. Then she looked at him. “I haven’t been here in a while, Paddy. I haven’t given enough of me to God. That’s all. I think he forgives me, my occasional swear words. It’s the same as when I thirteen and discovered I liked the occasional f-bomb.”
He chuckled at her. “I don’t think he cares about that. You and Josh are good people. I know you are. You still donate to the church even if you aren’t here,” Paddy informed her.
She nodded. “Where are you going with this?” She asked him.
“Yes, you have been blessed. Yes, you haven’t been in church for years. You eat meat on Friday’s during Lent…”
“I’m going to kill Ross,” Sophie grumbled at Father Paddy.
He chuckled. “What I’m sure that God cares about Sophie is inside you and what is inside you is goodness. I know that. I know you. He didn’t give this to you because you’ve not been in his house or you haven’t said your rosary every week. You haven’t forgotten him, and he hasn’t forgotten you.”
Sophie laid her head in the crook of his neck when he hugged her to him. “Am I forgiven?”
“You are. I need to make it official Sophie. I absolve you of your sins,” Father Paddy declared.
“Thank you, Paddy.”
“I think a few Our Fathers and Hail Mary’s, are in order, for your penance.” Father Paddy released her so Sophie could wipe her tears.
“What’s a few?” She asked wiping her nose on her sleeve again when she couldn’t find a tissue in her purse.
“You decide this time.” She might need to say a few hundred since she’d been away so long.
“We’re all coming to mass tomorrow,” she informed Father Paddy.
He turned so he could see her face. “Who is coming to mass?”
“Josh, his parents. Mom and hopefully dad. Heath and Hannah. I want to talk to them about getting Joshua baptized.” Father Paddy was frowning at Sophie. “What’s wrong?” She asked.
“The church is going to catch fire when Brad Russack and Duke Ward walk in the front doors of St. Agnes,” he teased her.
She elbowed him in the ribs. “Father Paddy.”
“It’s true, Sophie. They haven’t been in this church since you and Josh received confirmation at age thirteen.”
“That long?” She squinted trying to remember like he was.
He nodded. “You’ve worked wonders, my girl if you get both those men through those doors.” Paddy pointed behind him.
She smiled at him. “They haven’t sat in a pew yet, Paddy. Wait and see if it happens. I’d better go. Josh will be wondering where I’ve gone.”
“You can come here anytime or call if you need me.”
“Thank you,” she replied.
Father helped her with her jacket then he walked her to the car. “Go home. Relax and say your prayers. He’s there listening, I’m promise. Don’t tell the Pope this but you don’t need me for God to forgive you, Sophie. He heard everything when you were on your knees in front of his altar.”
“Then why do we do confession?”
“It’s good for the soul,” he advised. “It’s part of the sacraments Sophie bestowed by Christ on Peter. We are assured the grace of his forgiveness. We are humbled by confessing our sins to our priests. But in confession, it is him who hears you and absolves you through me.”
She smiled at Father Paddy. He kissed her temple and shut her door for her. Sophie started up the old, red Ford. She backed out of the spot and waved at Father. A sense of peace had settled over her. She called Josh and told him she would meet him at home.
Chapter 8
Josh
His phone dinged with a message from Sophie that she was running errands. He couldn’t begin to guess where she might have decided to run off to. Josh tried to remain focused on what Jagger was saying about his employment history.
When he was done speaking Josh gave Jagger the low down about his clientele. A mixture of large manufacturing facilities and office buildings with nice grounds. Private communities that brought in a medium chunk of their profits. Then, the smaller deals and private homes that they had started with that were only a fraction of their business but had been the heart of it when they first started. They refused to give them up.
“You’ve told me about Miguel and Sam and how they run your crews so efficiently, why do you feel you need me?”
“You’ve engaged new business opportunities and that is why I need you. Satterfield Manufacturing’s CEO has invited me to play golf with him. Do you play golf?”
“I do, and now I get the picture. These guys are good at what they do in the field as a crew supervisor, but they aren’t Operations Managers who can deal with the CEO of a large manufacturer.”
“They’re the best at what they do but Max would eat them alive.”
Jagger chuckled. “So, you’re looking for someone who can be both you when you aren’t available to be here in the office and someone who can supervise a crew when they are too busy?” Jagger was getting the picture.
“That’s it exactly. Someone who isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty too if necessary.”
“Mind if I ask why? I mean, you’ve been running this business for fifteen years successfully with just your wife and doing very well too. Why change now?”
Josh was a little taken aback by Jagger’s direct question, but he liked the younger man and his confidence. His professionalism. He replied with honesty, “Sophie was just diagnosed with breast cancer.”
“Josh, I’m really sorry.”
“Me too. I need someone who can step in and replace me when I’m not here. Meet with Maxwell Satterfield and his executive level and close the deal. Can you do that?” Josh waited for him to respond.
“I can.”
“I thought so, from our previous conversation on the phone. That is why you are the only candidate I brought in. Do you want the job?”
“I do,” Jagger replied.
They discussed salary and a start date. Jagger had already moved back to Cooper and was living with his mother who needed him at home. He was ready to start Monday.
“If you can hang around for a while, I’ll introduce you to Sam and Miguel. I’ll be with Sophie on Monday morning having her port inserted. She starts Chemo at the end of the week. Sam and Miguel will support you any way you need. I’ve already explained to them that I’m hiring someone. They’re on board.” Josh didn’t need to explain about Miguel’s initial reaction.
“Thanks, Josh. I look forward to getting started.”
The two men reviewed the client list while they waited for the crews to arrive. Josh gave Jagger the intricacies of each. He was eager to learn, and Josh liked that. He thought Jagger even had great ideas, for growing the business. If he was as good as Josh was thinking, they might need to hire more people.
They took a break and went to the small kitchen at the back of the building. In the fridge, Josh stocked water and sodas for his men. They sat at the table and talked personal for a while.
Jagger had gone to NKU where he got his bachelor’s degree in Business Finance. He worked in a small firm downtown. He hated every minute of being tied to a desk, but it was what his father had wanted for him.
“My dad died four years ago. Mom told me to do what I wanted to do. Greenlawn Landscaping was hiring so I worked for them until Mom became ill. I needed to come back to Cooper for her.”
“No serious girlfriend or wife, huh?”
Jagger snorted and wiped the back of his hand across his mouth. “Suzy left me when I changed careers. She no longer thought I fit the image she wanted. We graduated NKU at the same time. Started dating our senior year. I was about to ask her to marry me when life changed things between us. I didn’t realize how much my career affected her feelings for me.”
Josh chuckled. “Life has that way of sending you curve balls,” he informed Jagger.
“Like Sophie’s cancer.”
“Yeah.”
Jos
h leaned his elbows on the table. He told the younger man about their history. Star quarterback in high school. Those were the days. His plans were to head off to college. He wanted to major in finance. He was a whiz with numbers. “Wanted to make a million like my friend Ben Wilks.” Josh shook his head at the younger man. Money didn’t mean so much to him now. He and Sophie were comfortable, that was all he needed. He could put the kids through college. They didn’t have to struggle like he and Sophie had in the early years. That’s all he wanted.
“Do you know that he just sold his investment firm for one hundred million and in a nasty divorce settlement gave his wife half the money? He moved back to Cooper.” The younger man shook his head.
Josh thought Jagger wasn’t so much impressed as he was confused. He remembered reading the same articles that Jagger had read about Ben. It was like he had given up everything that was important to him without a care. Whatever his wife wanted, she got. Then he disappeared to his small town, Cooper, Ohio where he had grown up and no one knew why except maybe Josh was beginning to understand. He wanted to get to know his daughter, Hannah because his mother was dying.
“Money means nothing when you lose everything else, Jagger.”
The younger man nodded. “Don’t I know it. My father had money. It’s all he talked about.” He drained his soda can and pitched in the recycling bin. “He was never home. My mother took me to all my practices. She was there for me while my dad was a virtual stranger.”
“That’s why Sophie and I decided to forgo college. We wanted to be with Heath. We got lucky in some respects, but we put in a lot of hard, work and made a lot of sacrifices to have what we do.”
“How long have you been married?”
Josh finished his soda. He twirled the can between his fingers. “Twenty-three years.”
“Not one regret?” Jagger asked him.
“Not one,” Josh replied. They heard the men coming in the door. “Come on. I’ll introduce you.” He pitched his own empty can into the recycling bin and led Jagger to the front.
After introducing Jagger to the entire crew, Josh asked Sam and Miguel to meet with him and Jagger in his office. He told the three of them the next six months were going to be hard. He explained that Monday morning he would be out while Sophie had her port inserted then she started chemo on Friday.