Just Friends, Never Lovers
By
Samantha Jones
Copyright © 2012
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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, event or locales is entirely coincidental.
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The Prelude
June 18, 2003
What the hell is he staring at? Anyway, I am used to this kind of attention, but not THIS kind of undivided attention. There’s something unsettling about the way he stares. Good thing there isn’t any possibility that I’d bump into him often.
He looks kind of cute though----not really my type however. Please!
June 19, 2003
“Hi Cee. Check out the guy near the window. I think he looks really hot.” Camille whispered to me. Since we are both transferees from another College, we easily got along. “Who? That one? Hmmm, he’s okay. You could use a bit of colour though. I think he’s kinda pale.” I said uninterestingly.
“Well, I do think he’s perfect. I like him.” Camille retorted.
“Haha. Nice choice. I guess you can say goodbye to high heels from now on, if you want to make it work. You’re too tall for him.” I winked jokingly at her.
“Damn, you have a point. It’s always the petite ones like you who get all the great looking guys. I think you’ll make a great pair.” She said testily.
“Nice try, hunny. Still NOT my type. Why don’t we talk about something else more interesting? He’s looking at here. He might think we’re talking about him.” I shot back.
“Oh let him look! I could use some attention.” She swiped a super generous layer of gloss on her lips and flicked her hair. “At least Chemistry and Algebra won’t be boring.”
Chapter One: Seats of Danger
June 20, 2003
“Can I have your number? You know, just in case I need to ask something...”
I took my mobile from my pocket and looked up my name on the entry list and handed him the phone. (Minimal contact with this guy is necessary) There’s just something about him that rubs me the wrong way.
“Thanks. I made an entry for myself as well, so you know where to reach me.” He said with a smile. “I didn’t ask for it.”
I said without even looking up from my notes. “Then delete it if you want to. I was just being nice” I looked for his name and deleted the entry on the spot. “Done.”
“Are you always this rude?”
“Hmmmm no. Just when people place uncalled for entries in my phone.”
“Your baby face gives you away. I think you’re not really rude. I think you just taken a premature dislike of me, which is unfair. Why don’t we start over? Hi. I’m Win. I don’t believe we’ve met.” He said with a deeper mock voice as he extended his hand.
“Cee-cee.” I mumbled without looking while taking his offer of a handshake.
“I guess you’ll be stuck with me for the entire semester huh?” He said with a smirk.
“Yeah. Bummer.”
This is where it all started, Room 304, Engineering Building. I came here with high hopes, having shifted to a new course. All I came here for was the pursuit of my dreams and getting over my-ex, who is now dating one of my friends.
Little did I know that this will be the beginning of a new roller coaster ride for me.
His name is Win. He is a year or so younger than me. Our meeting had been by design. We were classmates. I never actually thought he’d mean more to me than that. He’s not actually my type. Handsome? Yes. But he reeks of the playboy vibe, which is actually the last thing I needed then.
I could have strangled my Algebra professor because her idea of a great sitting arrangement meant that Win and I sit beside each other. That seemingly minor move changed the lives of two people----two alchemical tag team who are not destined to be together.
“What does the A stands for?” He asked me softly as we were taking down notes.
“What A?”
“Your ring. Your ring says “A”. What does it mean?”
“Alma. My mom’s name. Also my second name.” I explained.
“Interesting. I’d like to get to know you better, Alma.” He said teasingly as he nudged my elbow.
“Go away. Don’t you have better things to do other than annoy me?”
“You’re smiling. You don’t exactly look annoyed. Can I call you at home?”
“Don’t you have any friends? I’m busy. Besides, I live 2 hours from here. I come home very late.” I said to shut him up. It’s was no use. Damn.
“Then I’ll call at dawn.” He said, unperturbed.
“I don’t have a home phone. Okay?”
“Nice try. I already saw it on your cell----743-0056.”
“You are such a sneak! Are you this invasive of other people’s privacy? Why didn’t you ask me first?” I said, fuming.
“Because I hate having to call a wrong number.”
Chapter Two: Law of Action and Reaction
“You cannot touch without being touched. That’s Newton’s 3rd Law”
I used to think that fundamental branches of sciences like Chemistry and Physics in the context of love was just a big BS. It’s ironic that I have to learn that lesson the hard way, here in this very busy building that became the setting to one love story that can never be. There just seemed to be that unexplainable force that draws us together.
For some reasons, he finds it very hard to take his eyes off me. I on the other hand, fought with tooth and nails just so I wouldn’t think about him.
In chemistry---there is such as thing as a spontaneous reaction. When two things react violently without any outside force, say a nuclear bomb, such is a spontaneous reaction. Usually, this reaction is all consuming---no traces of the original substances are left. Win and I have that kind of reaction to each other. Uncontrollable. Violent. All-consuming. Sometimes, destructive.
I actually saw this coming. It’s not as if I was in total state of shock as Win and I became unofficially US. It was a gradual, little by little thing. An accidental touching of skin, subliminal flirting, a banter, and a series of addictive sweet nothings.
For a moment there, I thought I was mature enough to be impersonal about it. I played along and allowed him his advances because I thought I was too much of a woman to be affected. My mistake was that, I was too much of a woman not to be affected.
I remember the way he leans on me during class discussions, sitting so close to me, too close for comfort. He would accidentally touch my hand...then our elbows would touch. Seemingly innocent movements that were getting on me, making me want more.
It all started with a text. Then there was a constant exchange of messages, short phone calls, and lengthy conversations inside the classroom. Then there was friendship. One thing led to another and well, feelings changed. I knew that I am starting to feel a bit more than I should.
He would send me letters, telling me how much I mean to him. He said that he’s looking forward to graduation day with me beside him. Every day since I f
irst saw him, I was sinking and sinking deeper. I knew that it won’t work, so I played it cool and tagged along, all the while ignoring my feelings.
For the life of me, I never actually knew how he felt about me. He always told me that I am special. But that’s it. The next semester, we were no longer classmates but we continued what we had. Sometimes, we’d go out and talk for hours hand in hand. He calls me baby, to which I told him that he’d gone crazy.
I told him many times that I am older than him. “It doesn’t matter. I just wanted to call you that. And I wanted you to call me that.” It was a crazy pet name, but I must admit I enjoyed it tremendously.
It was tough because, all the while I have these weird feelings, he never said anything. But he’d give me these signals----he’s very sweet, solicitous, and handy-holdy, but love was definitely something neither of us had the courage to speak about.
There were times when he’d see me talking to another guy and he’d act weird. Sometimes, I’d catch him staring at me or catching a whiff of scent from behind when he thinks I am unaware. Since I thought that it was unfair that I am feeling like this, while he seems oblivious to the whole thing, I tried to move on and tried to see him as a friend that he is. However, whenever I tried to let go, he’d find a way to tease me back to him.
Chapter Three: Roadblock 1
I was okay with it all until...
“I just want to let you know that I’m currently in a relationship. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay with it.”, he texted me one day.
All hell broke loose.
For the first time in three years that I have known him, it became really obvious that what I had with him was nothing more than figment of my imagination. I cried all day---emptied my drawers and threw everything that reminds me of him.
I texted him saying that it’s okay and I am very happy for them both and that I hope it works out. The entire message was a lie---a lie I put together to salvage even an ounce of my pride. The following year, only weeks after that exchange, I was cursing him up and down.
I had a makeover and swore never to feel for him again and that he’ll regret everything. I was okay until...my friends told me that I look like his new girl friend.
“You should have seen her. It took a few seconds to pinpoint who the hell she looks like. Then bingo---It’s you. Win’s girlfriend actually looked like you!”
I was sick up to my toes. The moron!
Chapter Four: The Ramblings of Cee-Cee
“Plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose.”---- “The more things change, the more they stay the same.”. Very true. As I have seen in my life, I could have very well be the model of that slogan.
Yes. A lot of things have changed for me. In a span of months I have gone through on another exhilarating roller coaster ride. Life is tough I guess—or is it love? Love indeed! The most powerful thing in the universe had decided to prove its magical prowess on me. Wasn’t I the one who said many years ago that I know all there is to know about relationships? I don’t think I know well enough. I am an amateur.
I wish I wasn’t still confused as I write. I wish that I was just doing this for leisure and nothing else. I’m still in a state of emotional turmoil I guess. After everything that has happened, it’s a wonder I am still sane. For the past few days, I find myself dwelling on the things I should have buried along with the last semester. I feel like a traveller who has chosen to traverse the past as if it could provide the required answers for the present. I’m still hanging on.
I know how destructive that state is for me. The fighter in me forces me to still tighten my
grip. Unfortunately, I know that I could never win this until I give myself in full surrender and accept what is seemingly unacceptable. Letting go is the one last option I have and I am too stubborn to take it.
Our story has taken a halt. Temporary or otherwise is something I cannot know. Unfortunately, it doesn’t change a thing. I knew from the start that this is only temporary, that one day I’ll wake up and realize that I have to give up something that wasn’t even mine to start with. What we have is bound to end. In fact, it is should be over by now. I just cannot make myself go.
I don’t know just how much more torture am I willing to go through. I mean, I could always go. In fact I know that’s the only thing left for me to do. I feel lost. As if I’ve been tossed into something that’s surrounded with every colour possible that the effect is disturbing rather than awesome. I feel as if I’m standing in a barren dessert and was asked to count the sands and I don’t know where to start. It’s a never-ending battle. I wish it would just stop.
I mean, really, I don’t want to fight anymore because the more I do, the more I suffer. How can you be hopeful about something so obviously hopeless? True. Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I might get tired of the monotony and finally give-up. I’ve tried all sorts of escape that I could possibly come out with to make things easier for me.
Like I said, I want OUT! But I’ve come to terms with the sad reality that my worst enemy is myself. A part of me wouldn’t let go no matter how difficult, no matter how painful. I guess fighting for something you cannot even explain to yourself is never easy.
I have gotten mad, like hell, forcing myself to come up with anger so strong that for a while it was effective in masking a bit of the pain. For a while, I was sedated. The anger actually made me feel a lot better. At least, I was not feeling sorry for myself the entire duration I was angry. Then guess what, when I finally returned to normal consciousness, I discovered that it had just gotten worse. I feel so much more of the pain.
It dawned on me then that anger cannot make me hurt less. It is just a means of prolonging my suffering and weakening my defences, making me more vulnerable. I tried to character-assassinate him in my mind by over-emphasizing his faults, so that they were magnified in a way an advanced microscope can never come up with.
I tried to recall so many of the reasons why it is impossible, but it never worked. How can I destroy, even just for the benefit of my own ears, someone who has given me an incomparable state of happiness? Again, I just made things worse. When will I ever realize that by hurting him, I ‘m doubly hurting myself? I’ve tried building a wall between us, to the point of making it a crime to even just talk to him, I just missed him more.
Oh well. I guess you can never fight the forces of nature. To feel is only natural. I have to let it run its course. I have to feel the emotion in its entirety. I can’t possibly escape or the pain will start all over again. I may be the queen of short cuts all my life, but definitely not this time.
I no longer want to be bitter about this whole thing because really there is no “us” issue here. I’m beginning to think that this is solely my issue and nothing else’s. We never made any promises. None of our cards were ever exposed or at the very least, had gotten a glimpse.
We are technically operating the way we used to. You know, more than the usual friends yet
nothing more. Just like the way we were. Nothing more, perhaps maybe even less since now he is in a “relationship.” I’m beginning to hate the word for all it’s worth. Coz really, I mean, what do we have here if not a “relationship”! I feel so irritated that he had the gall to enter into a relationship with another, yet he refuses to let me go.
Anyway, back to what I’m saying…Actually, it’s plain and simple math. It wouldn’t take a would-be engineer to figure this out. Yes, together we’re sweeter than whatever is the sweetest thing. But then I’m alone, single and more, while he is with another and that makes him a double
and less. I feel something; He doesn’t.
We may have all the reasons why we can be, yet because of present circumstances, they are the very reasons why we can’t be. I guess when you think about it, that sums up to a big, fat, 0! The equation may be long, but then the answer is not that too complicated to ignore or let pass. Things are a lot different now.
But then again, I couldn’t blame him for what I “a
ccidentally” felt and have gotten myself into. This is a free country! I could have said no a dozen times if I have to. I could have locked myself in some forsaken place where he couldn’t find me. I could have closed the door on his face if still he didn’t stop. I could have been really mean to him, throttle him senseless and beat him back to sanity hoping against hope that I’ll have my sanity back as well. Did I make enough moves to drive him away?
No.
As for our abnormal friendship, why didn’t I just tell him that I didn’t know how to
play charades? Why did I have to go along with it when he’s so a demanding playmate? C’mon Cee, you know the answer damn it! It’s like asking a child to turn his back on chocolates and cotton candy. Only a heartless human being can be able to do that.
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