by Amy Lillard
She took the slip of paper from her pocket, the one where she had written down the number to the garage where Melvin worked. She picked up the phone and dialed. Her mouth went dry, and her hands trembled like her legs as she waited for someone to pick up on the other end. Three long rings later, someone finally did.
“Garage,” the man barked. Behind him she could hear the clank of metal against metal and the whirring of the different machines.
“I’m looking for Melvin Yoder,” she said, her voice small and hesitant.
“What? I can’t hear you. Can you speak up?”
Tillie cleared her throat. “I said, I’m looking for Melvin Yoder.”
“He’s not here today,” the man hollered back.
Tillie wondered just how loud it was in the garage. No wonder Melvin liked peace and quiet when he got home. A person would think he would want to watch TV all night since he’d been denied it his entire life, but he would rather sit and read the paper with no sound other than the ticking of the clock and the running of appliances.
Of course he wasn’t there. “Can I leave a message?”
“Hold on, let me get a pen.” The phone clanged as if he had dropped the receiver on the desk or table. He hollered something to someone around him.
Tillie could feel Leah watching her. What she really was going to tell Melvin that he had a baby over a telephone message, not even directly? It seemed a bit heartless, but it wasn’t like he didn’t know she was pregnant to begin with, right? And he didn’t need to know that news in order to determine if he wanted to come and visit. Or so she had thought.
The phone clattered again, then the man’s voice came back on the line. “Okay,” he said. “What’s the message?”
“Please tell him that Tillie called and that he has a baby girl.”
She couldn’t see his face over the phone, of course, but she could sense his change in attitude. “A baby girl?”
“Yes. And please tell him that we’re at my parents’ house. If he wants to come.” She closed her eyes. Why had she said that last part? If he wanted to come, he would come. She didn’t need to invite him. He knew he was welcome. Why else would she have called? She just didn’t want to sound like she was begging for his attention, and somehow that’s exactly how this felt. Maybe if she didn’t need him so much right then . . .
“Got it,” the man said. “Melvin comes in tomorrow, but if I see him before then, I’ll give him the message.”
“Thank you,” Tillie said. And she hung up the phone. She sighed and looked to Leah.
“Okay, that’s done.” Leah’s normally sassy tone was filled with a little bit of hope and even more despair.
Tillie couldn’t blame her. She felt the same. What a mess she had made of everything. And what a mess she was putting her family through so close to Christmas.
“I should just go,” Tillie said.
“I thought we were going to get supper,” Leah said.
Tillie shook her head. “Back to Columbus. I should’ve never come here.” Tears rose into her eyes. It was hopeless. Why did everything end up so hopeless?
“You cannot leave before Christmas,” Leah said. “It would break Mamm’s heart.”
Tillie knew it would.
“And even better than that, you’re going to go with us to the buddy bunch Christmas celebration tomorrow night.” Leah held up a hand as Tillie started to protest. “Hup,” she said. “I will not hear any objections. Everyone who’s anyone is going to be there.”
Tillie blinked back her tears and smiled at her sister’s very English vocabulary. “No one’s going to talk to me. No one will want me there.” Just one of the joys of excommunication.
“They let me come,” Leah said.
“You don’t have a baby without a husband either,” Tillie replied. She would not be remorseful about her baby. She could not.
“Even worse,” Leah quipped. “I’m Mennonite.”
* * *
Tillie did her best to keep her spirits up on the drive home. She had thought that by calling Melvin she would feel better about the situation. She was wrong. Now she felt even more nervous and anxious than ever.
It was crazy, what a person hoped for even when they knew they wouldn’t get it. And more than anything, she hoped that Melvin would say he was coming back, that he would come back, and they would live the Amish life she always thought they would. But then she thought of the troubles they’d had before she left Columbus. Lack of money, too many arguments. There was no guarantee those troubles wouldn’t leach into any life they had, Amish or English. And most definitely they would be present if they left to go live with the English again.
Yes. There was no doubt about it. If Melvin wouldn’t come back and marry her in the Amish church, then she would have to go. She would have to leave Pontotoc. It was as simple as that.
The worst part of it all is she knew Melvin didn’t want to come back. Did she want him to come back solely for her? And be miserable? Or should she just accept what she had done and be miserable and English and raise her baby by herself? It was a no-win situation.
“Well, look who’s here.” Leah parked the car next to a very familiar buggy.
Levi.
Tillie was glad Levi was there, even though she knew she shouldn’t be. There could be nothing more than casual friendship between her and Levi Yoder. But she wanted that friendship if at all possible.
Tillie grabbed her purse and got out of the car, then she slowly made her way into the house. She was glad that she would get to see Levi again.
He is just a friend.
And that’s all he would ever be to her. Her life was about to drastically change, even more than it had by giving birth to Emmy. She figured right now she could use all the friends she could find.
She opened the door, Leah right behind her. “Mamm, we’re home!” Leah shouted.
Tillie shushed her. “If Emmy is asleep, you’ll wake her up.”
“Sorry.” Leah shot her a sheepish grin. “I’m not used to having a sweet little baby in the house.”
Mamm hurried into the living room from the kitchen, carrying a fussing Emmy.
Tillie looked to her sister. “See?”
Leah shot her an apologetic look. “I didn’t mean to.”
“You didn’t wake her,” Mamm said. “But I think she wants to be fed. You came back just in time.”
Tillie and Leah shrugged out of their coats and bonnets, and Tillie placed her purse next to the couch. Then she reached out her arms for her mother to hand over her baby.
“I see Levi Yoder is here,” Leah said.
“He’s in the kitchen helping me make Christmas cranberry bread.”
Leah and Tillie both turned to their mother. “What?” they asked together.
Eunice shrugged. “He came in when I was just starting it. He said he wanted to help, so he’s in making cranberry bread.” Their mother said it as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
Tillie smiled and shook her head. “I got to feed this baby.”
Mamm nodded. “I’ll let him know.”
“I’m sure he’s figured it out with all that crying,” Leah said as Tillie turned toward the bedroom. It was the easiest place to feed Emmy, out of sight from any male eyes, and it gave her a measure of privacy with her baby. It was a bonding time and she loved it, probably more than she should. She would miss that time when she had to go back to work.
After Emmy ate her fill, Tillie burped her baby, straightened her clothes, and laid her down in the small crib Mamm had brought down from the attic. “Sweet dreams, precious girl,” Tillie said. She ran one finger over Emmy’s tiny ear, then eased out of the room. She shut the door behind her and made her way to the kitchen.
Hearing it was surprising enough, but seeing it was almost more than she could stand. “You really are making cranberry bread,” Tillie said.
“It’s almost done. Would you like a piece?” Levi asked. He seemed very satisfied with himsel
f. Maybe learning to cook would be another healing activity for him. Tillie was certain it would take a lot of work off Mims, and even his mother. That was, if Levi didn’t get remarried soon. The thought sent a pang through her belly. She didn’t know why it mattered to her whether Levi got remarried or not. The fact of the matter was it wouldn’t be to her. There was no chance of it. None at all.
The timer dinged.
“That’s it,” Libby said. “Time to take it out.” She handed Levi the pot holders.
Tillie almost laughed at how domesticated he looked. Blue shirt, black pants, green apron that must’ve been something her father used at one time or another. It was the kind that went over the head and had a bib. It tied around the back like the ones she had seen cooks wear when they had some kind of festival in town.
“Can’t cut it yet,” Mamm said. “It will need to cool first.”
“Put it on the porch,” Leah said. “It’ll be ready to eat in a heartbeat.”
Libby nodded and grabbed the pan. “That’s a great idea.” She bustled from the room to take the bread to the porch to cool. Though the ice had disappeared, it was still very chilly outside. Cloudy and gray, a little too much like her thoughts, to be sure.
“I’ll check on Emmy,” Mamm said.
Leah hopped up from her place at the kitchen table. “I’ll go with you.”
And just like that Tillie found herself alone with Levi Yoder once again.
“So what brings you out today, Levi?” Tillie asked. “I know you didn’t just come over to make Christmas cranberry bread.”
He slid onto the bench seat opposite her. “I did have a good time making it though.” He grinned, and she realized that she had missed his smile. “I brought you some diapers.” He nodded toward the package at the end of the table. With all the baking supplies still out and scattered around, Tillie hadn’t noticed them until he pointed them out.
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“I wanted to.”
“These are new diapers.” She hadn’t meant for her voice to sound so accusing.
“Jah. Maybe.”
There was no maybe about it.
“You can’t continue to do this, Levi. As much as I appreciate it.”
“I know, but I need to do it now, while I can.”
“Levi.” There was a world of emotions in her word. Regret, remorse, resignation.
He shook his head. “I failed Mary, and I failed the baby. Please let me help you. I don’t want to fail you too.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
“I’m telling you what I heard,” Mims said.
Levi pressed his lips together and frowned. “Why are you so concerned that she called Melvin? He is the baby’s father.”
“I know, but she invited him to come here. Don’t you find that interesting?” Mims shot him an inquisitive look.
Levi wasn’t sure exactly what his sister was getting at, but he had a clue. “She needs to be with Melvin,” Levi said. “They need to be a couple. An official couple. Married,” he said before she could interject anything else.
“That doesn’t bother you?” Mims pushed.
Did it bother him?
Yes, yes it did. But there was nothing either of them could do about it. Tillie would have to marry Melvin if she wanted to stay in Pontotoc. There was no other way. She couldn’t marry someone else, not having had a baby with Melvin. But if Melvin didn’t return to the Amish, Tillie would be forced to leave, excommunicated. She would take her baby with her and it would most likely be the last he ever saw of her. “What bothers me and what doesn’t bother me has no part in this.” As much as he hated to admit it, that was the truth. “And even if it did,” he told Mims, “it’s too soon.”
“Too soon?”
“Mary’s only been gone a little over two months. And I admit Tillie brought me back from a dark place. Her and the baby. And for that I will always be grateful to her. But gratitude is not and should never be mistaken for anything more.”
Mims propped her hands on her hips and gave him a stern look. “Levi Yoder, you are one stupid man.”
“Did you just call me stupid?” He asked the question though he was certain he had heard her correctly.
“I’m your sister,” she said. “I’m entitled.”
“I’m not stupid. In fact, I think I’m trying to be very smart about the whole situation.” Though smart where the heart was concerned was not always a possibility.
“So that’s it. You’re just going to lie down and give up without a fight?”
Well, he was Amish. But even fighting for love was hard.
“It’s more than that. You know the rules. If she doesn’t come back and marry Melvin, she has to leave.”
Mims seemed to wilt a bit, and her starchy attitude softened. “I know, but—”
“Besides, why are you fussing at me when you didn’t fight for David?”
Mims drew back and sniffed. “It’s not anywhere close to the same.”
“I beg to differ.”
“I’m not going to talk about this anymore,” Mims said.
“Your love life or my love life?”
“Neither,” she replied.
“Good.”
“But you have to promise me that you’ll go with me to the party tonight.”
“I do not want to go to a party.” In fact, it might be the very last thing that he wished to do. Tillie may have helped him get out of the dark place where he was living after Mary and the baby died, but that didn’t mean he was ready for all social interaction. “You forced me to go to the wedding, and I did. But I can miss the party.”
Mims shook her head. “No, you can’t. Because I said you can’t. And it will be fun. It’ll be good for you. And maybe Tillie will be there.”
“You’re not going to give up, are you?”
“Never.” She smiled. “So say you’ll go, and that will be that.”
Levi sighed. “Fine,” he said. “I’ll go.”
* * *
“I insist,” Mamm said. “Now redo your hair and get ready for the party. Express your milk and I’ll watch the baby.”
Tillie looked from Emmy, who was sleeping peacefully in the baby carrier, to her mamm.
“Come on,” Leah said. “Everybody’s going to be there.”
“So you say.” She bit her lip. “It’s just . . . She’s never eaten from a bottle before. What happens if she doesn’t take it?”
“If she doesn’t take it,” Mamm said, “I’ll get in my buggy and bring her to you at the party.”
Tillie looked down to her baby once again. She hated the idea of Emmy eating from a bottle. But she supposed it was necessary. Soon she would have to get a job. Hopefully the day care center would let her keep Emmy there. Maybe at a reduced rate. She hoped so, anyway. And there would be times when she couldn’t be with her, and Emmy would have to be fed with a bottle then. There was no way around it.
“Okay.”
Leah jumped up and down and clapped her hands.
“I’m going to run into town and get Jamie and Peter,” Leah said. “Then I’ll be right back.”
Tillie stopped. “Peter’s going?”
“No, he’s staying with Mamm.”
Tillie looked to her mamm. “Can you handle Peter and a baby? I should stay here.”
Mamm propped her hands on her hips and shot Tillie a disbelieving look. “I took care of Jim, David, Leah, Hannah, and you all at the same time, and you don’t think I can handle a baby and a wonderful seven-year-old?”
“I’m guessing the answer to this is ‘Not at all’?” Though she didn’t bother to point out that Jim was practically out of the house before she herself had been born. She wasn’t sure Mamm was up for that logic tonight.
“Shoo,” Mamm said. “Go to your room and change your clothes. I got this.”
Tillie almost smiled at her mother’s language, then turned to go into her room. She stopped in front of the mirror behind the door and took a hard look at
herself. She was still wearing the nursing dress that she had borrowed from Anna. It was blue and of a nice enough material. But it was Amish.
This whole time she had been kidding herself that she might get to stay Amish. She had called Melvin the day before, and she had heard nothing from him. She should have left Leah’s number with him. But it wasn’t like he didn’t know the name of the store. He could’ve looked it up himself. But he hadn’t bothered to call. He hadn’t bothered to show up. And her hopes of remaining in Pontotoc were truly dashed.
She unpinned her prayer kapp from her head and set it on the desk by the door. Then she shucked out of her dress and hung it in the closet next to the purple maternity dress that she had borrowed from Anna as well. Then she pulled out her own skirt and shirt and put them on. She redid her hair in a more English-looking bob, or bun, as they called it, without any twists and a little higher on her head. She pulled on her boots and made her way back to the front of the house.
Mamm’s eyes widened in surprise. “You’re not going like that? Are you?”
Tillie didn’t bother to even look at herself. She nodded. “I am.” Because it was time that she accepted this was who she was now and probably always would be.
* * *
It was just as she had suspected. Even in English clothes the people around her hadn’t forgiven her for her transgressions. Technically she supposed she hadn’t asked for forgiveness. When someone moved too close, they cast her a look and sidled away. Tillie felt a little like one of those poisonous frogs from Africa that she had seen at the zoo. They were different looking, with bright colors and black markings, and their skin was so poisonous a person couldn’t even touch them without dying. That was how she felt, as if people thought that if they got too close to her, her sins would somehow rub off on them. No matter. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve, and the next day Christmas. And on Monday she would talk Leah into taking her back to Columbus.
The only place you have to stay in Columbus is with Melvin.
And that would never work. Maybe she should distance herself from him. Maybe start over in Tupelo. Or Corinth. Somewhere else. She supposed if she tried hard enough, she could start over anywhere.