by Amy Lillard
“I know what it is,” she said. “And it’s lovely, thank you.”
It was simple, really: a strap of leather with a snap and the clip attached at one end. But right now, there was not another one like it in the world.
Tillie wrapped it back up into the paper and set it in the middle of the table. “We’ll have to try it out when she wakes up.”
Levi nodded. He probably wouldn’t be here for that.
Tillie reached for the bigger package, the flat one. His heart sped up a bit. Suddenly he wanted to snatch it from her hands and tell her that he had made a mistake, but he managed not to. He tried to breathe normally as he sat and watched her open it.
At least he had found a normal box to put this one in. Some kind of shirt box that Mary must have squirreled away in the linen closet.
Tillie slid the lid off and gasped. “Is this what I think it is?”
He nodded, swallowed hard once again. “It’s a baby book.”
She pulled it from the box and laid it gently on the table in front of her. It looked so right there that he knew he hadn’t made a mistake.
He had hand-tooled the cover with the same flowers he had used on Emmy’s pacifier holder, but these were surrounding an ornate letter E. He was proud of the work. Not only for what he had done, but for the sentiment as well. He had wanted something extra special to give Tillie, and it seemed as if he had succeeded.
“It’s beautiful,” she said with a sniff. She delicately wiped at the tears threatening to fall.
“Tillie?” Melvin took that time to interrupt their conversation. He said no more than her name, but there was a wealth of meaning to it.
Levi cleared his throat. “I hope I haven’t overstepped.”
Tillie shook her head without saying a word. She placed the book back into the box very primly. She put the lid on and patted it as if the job was well done. Somehow he knew she was as uncomfortable as he.
“That’s very nice of you,” Melvin said.
Levi turned toward the other man. For just a moment he had forgotten Melvin was sitting there. But of course he was. “Danki.”
He wanted to ask her if she had made any plans for after the holiday, but he had no right. Melvin was back, and that changed everything for her. Or at least it had the potential to.
She had been planning to return to the English world, but now that Melvin was back, perhaps she was holding out hope that he would still come back Amish.
Levi didn’t have any doubts. Melvin’s intention was obvious in the way the man was dressed. He was English from his haircut to the tips of his motorcycle boots. At least that’s what Levi thought they were called. Tillie was dressed English as well. In the same clothes she’d worn the night before. He had a feeling that when she had left the apartment she shared with Melvin, she had the clothes on her back and nothing more.
Tillie turned to Levi. “Danki,” she said. “Thank you.” Saying it twice almost like she didn’t acknowledge the Pennsylvania Dutch. She was already slipping away. But she had never been his to start. Whether she left or stayed. But he would be forever grateful to her for helping him move past the crushing grief he’d had when he saw her that cold, icy night in the barn.
“I’m sorry,” Tillie continued. “I don’t have a gift for you. Except for maybe some more cranberry bread.”
“I didn’t give you a gift to get one in return.” He hadn’t, even though she had given him the best gift of all.
He stood. “I should be going.”
“Would you like a coffee to take with you?”
He shook his head. It was just one more thing to have to bring back when the time came.
“You could put it in your buggy and bring it back to church tomorrow.”
“Are you going to church tomorrow?” Levi asked.
She looked ready to dive right back into the English world. He knew how badly she wanted to stay Amish, but like her, he knew there was no way. It just wasn’t possible. Unless Melvin came back.
“Maybe,” was all she said.
And that meant this could very well be the last time he would ever talk to her, ever see her.
He wanted to peek in on Emmy, just one last time, but it was hard not to recognize that he didn’t have that right. Anyone should be able to look in on the baby, but his feelings weren’t so innocent. It was time he let it go.
“You take care of yourself, Tillie Gingerich.”
She gave him a sad smile as she walked him to the door.
“I’ll be seeing you, Levi Yoder.”
He loped down the porch steps even as he knew her last statement to him was nothing but a sweet lie.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“Where’s Melvin?” Tillie asked a little while later. She had managed to keep everything together while Levi was there, but once he left, she went to her room on the pretense of feeding Emmy and allowed herself time to cry. Then she really did feed the baby as she pulled herself together. Melvin was back. He may have only come back because of Emmy, but he was back now, and everything had changed.
“He’s outside in your father’s workshop.”
Tillie met her mother’s steady gaze. Her father was what the English would call a workaholic, but even he would take Christmas Eve off. Normally this time of day he would be over with Jim and Anna visiting and making up for all the times he had been working instead. But if he was in the workshop now . . .
“I should go—” Tillie was on her feet before Mamm shook her head.
“Sit back down,” Mamm sternly said.
Reluctantly, Tillie returned to her seat at the table. Her mamm set a bowl of potatoes in front of her and handed her the peeler. There was a lot of work to do between now and supper.
“But I—” Tillie started to protest, though her voice was weak.
“What did you expect?” Mamm asked.
She was right. Wasn’t Mamm always right?
“I guess. Jah.” But she had never expected that she would be in the situation she was in right now. She never expected that she would have a baby without being married. She supposed she was lucky—or maybe Melvin was lucky—that Dat hadn’t talked to them both long before now.
But she had hoped that she and Melvin would have a little more time to talk to each other before he was subjected to her dat.
She picked up the peeler and started to work on the potatoes.
They hadn’t had any time to figure out what they were going to do. She hadn’t had a chance to ask him why he had come back, other than to see his daughter. He knew the rules of their community as well as she. If they were staying, they would have to be married.
There had been a time when she wouldn’t have thought twice about Melvin’s intentions toward her. She had known from the time that they were in school till now that she would one day be Melvin’s wife. That assurance had been shattered. He had changed while they were gone, and admittedly she had changed since she had been back. They needed a little time to get some of that straightened out before they had to deal with her parents. But it seemed that wasn’t the way it was going to pan out.
“Mammi Glick says she’s ready for another round of celery,” Libby said, coming into the kitchen with a tray of stuffed celery stalks.
It was a Gingerich tradition from way back. Tillie wasn’t even sure who had started it. But they always had stuffed celery. Stuffed with ham and cheese; pimento cheese; pineapple and cheese. The kids loved it, Mammi Glick was the official stuffer, and it made for smiles all around.
“Right there.” Mamm nodded to the next tray of celery just waiting to be filled.
Libby set down the tray she was carrying and picked up the next one. She started back toward the dawdihaus. “Was that Levi Yoder’s buggy I saw here a while ago?”
“Jah,” Tillie murmured.
Libby shot her a questioning look. “He’s not staying for—oh.” She stopped as if realizing what she was asking. “I guess we’ll see him tomorrow at church.”
“I s
uppose,” Mamm replied.
Libby nodded a bit awkwardly and made her way out to the dawdihaus.
“Levi’s a good man,” Mamm said.
Tillie nodded. Just not the man for her. “He is,” she managed to reply.
“It was kind of him to bring gifts for you and the baby.”
It was more than kind. And they both knew it.
“Ask me,” Tillie demanded.
“I have no call to question you about Levi Yoder.”
But Mamm wanted to know her feelings toward Levi. Well, that was something Tillie herself would like to be privy to, but the truth of the matter was she had no idea how she really felt about him. Her life had been nothing if not topsy-turvy over the last couple of weeks. She had thought that she might be growing feelings for Levi, but now that Melvin was back, did it even matter?
“Melvin’s here,” Tillie said as if that explained it all. Melvin was there. He had been her boyfriend for as many years as anyone could remember. They might have run off to the English world. They might have even had a baby together out of wedlock, they might face shunning and excommunication, but he was still Emmy’s father. And no matter how she felt about Levi Yoder, the only way she could stay in Pontotoc, in her Amish home, would be to marry Melvin. And that, as they say, was the long and the short of it.
* * *
When Melvin came into the house sometime later, Tillie couldn’t tell from his expression what had happened. He looked as he always did, a little dangerous and cavalier. He smiled at Tillie, then bent into the baby carrier to give Emmy a gentle kiss on the forehead. After that he went to the icebox for a drink of water.
“Supper will be ready here in a bit, Melvin,” Mamm said. “So for now, go get with the menfolk and stay out of my kitchen.” She shooed him out the side door.
Tillie wanted to laugh and cry all in the same moment. It was so much like so many times in the past when Melvin had come for one holiday or another, but it was so different as well. He didn’t have on his typical Amish clothing or his black hat. He had on some of the clothes she had helped him pick out when they had gone shopping at the Goodwill store. His hair was different, but his smile was the same, and for the life of her Tillie couldn’t figure out who was the real Melvin Yoder. Did she even know anymore?
“Do you want me to start taking the food to the table?” Libby asked.
Mamm nodded, and Tillie stood up to help as well. They were having a larger than normal supper tonight, on Christmas Eve. Tomorrow was church service with the typical Sunday fare, but the real supper would be on Monday, Second Christmas. It was traditionally a time for visiting and such, but they had planned to gather into the same house once more and celebrate together.
Mamm continued to stir the gravy but stood to one side when Tillie came back in for the green bean casserole. It was one of her favorites and Tillie figured Mamm had made it especially for her. The thought once again sent tears to her eyes. She had heard the hormones were supposed to slow down a bit since she had already had the baby. But it seemed that wasn’t the case. Or maybe her life had been just a little too much lately.
Once the table was set, the food ready, and the glasses of water poured, Mamm rang the dinner bell.
Gingeriches appeared from everywhere. It was just those who lived in the house tonight. Hannah, Leah, and Gracie and their respective families were all having Christmas Eve suppers at their houses. Jim and Anna had their own dinner planned, but as usual David was eating at the main house. Tillie could handle the smaller scale of the meal so much better. Strange how being around so many people had never bothered her before. And part of her wondered if she was merely uncomfortable having so many people there seeing her shame all at one time. They were family, and that should ease the censorship, but it didn’t. Maybe it even made it worse.
Dat and David had come in from the workshop, Libby reappeared from taking a plate to Mammi Glick, and Mamm had just returned from changing her apron. Tillie stood behind the chair where she usually sat. Emmy had been fed and was resting nearby in the baby carrier. Now all they needed was Melvin.
“Sorry,” he said, grinning at them as he came into the room. Everyone stopped and looked at him. Tillie couldn’t believe her eyes. Gone were the T-shirt and jeans. He now wore a traditional blue shirt and black pants with suspenders. Tillie couldn’t take it all in for a moment, his Amish dress and English haircut. What did it all mean? At least his smile was the same.
“Uh, sit down,” Mamm said.
Dat gave a firm nod of agreement and everyone took their places at the table.
After the time of silent prayer, Tillie looked to Melvin seated across from her, hardly able to believe her eyes. The shock must have worn off everyone else, for they started back up in conversation, David telling Mamm about something that had happened in the workshop and Libby and Mamm laughing in all the right places. Tillie could only stare at Melvin.
He had talked to her dat, something she had known would happen from the minute she saw Melvin again. The thing she hadn’t expected was the change in clothing. And that could only mean one thing. Melvin was coming back to join the church.
Chapter Twenty-Five
“What did Dat say to you last night?” Tillie asked as she and Melvin drove to church with David and Libby. They had promised to talk the night before, but they could never find time alone to discuss the important matters. Then before she knew it, it was time for bed.
David was driving and Libby was sitting in the front seat next to him. Her niece was facing front, though Tillie could tell she wanted to look back at them and chat.
Her father had told Libby that it was Christmas and a Sunday and they had church so it was a solemn day and she should treat it as such.
Secretly Tillie wondered if he didn’t want her riding with Melvin. Or maybe that’s why Libby was with them and not Joshua. Jim obviously wanted to keep Melvin away from Joshua at least until one of them joined the church. The problem was twofold. Joshua liked running around a bit too much and Melvin had yet to state his intentions toward her.
Since he was dressed Amish once again and riding next to her on their way to church, Tillie had a feeling he was staying, but she wanted to hear him say it all the same.
“He asked me what my plans were. You know, in coming back.”
Her heart beat a little faster in her chest. “And what did you tell him?”
Melvin cast a quick glance at David and Libby. Or rather, at the back of David and Libby’s heads. Then he reached over and twined his fingers with hers. She looked down at their hands and back up into his eyes. Had he really checked to see if anyone was watching before he held her hand? The good Lord knew they had already been way more intimate with each other than holding hands in the back of a buggy, but Tillie couldn’t help but note how being back among the Amish changed his attitude. That was the power of community, she thought to herself.
“We gotta make this right, Tillie,” Melvin said. He lowered his voice till even she could barely hear it over the rattle of the carriage and the whir of the wheels.
“Tell me,” Tillie said. She wanted him to say the words. She needed him to say them.
“We’re going to get married.” He squeezed her hand and smiled. For a moment she thought he looked a bit pained, then whatever it was disappeared, and it was just Melvin again.
“Married,” she breathed. The thought should have made her heart light, but there was one other thing she needed to know. “Here?” she asked. “We’re going to get married here? Among the Amish?”
He nodded. “Isn’t that what you want?”
For her entire life that’s all she wanted, yet why did she not feel as excited as she should? “I’m glad,” she whispered back to him. And she was, truly. Just not . . . excited. “You know what all that means,” she asked him.
He nodded.
“And you’re okay with all that?”
He squeezed her hand again, that same smile still curving his lips upward. “Anythin
g for you, Tillie.”
* * *
To say they got some curious looks as they walked into the bishop’s house, where church was being held today, was a grand understatement. She had left the baby at home with Mammi Glick, though it was even suggested that Tillie not come to church at all since it hadn’t been long since she had Emmy but she wanted to come. It was Christmas. Any discomfort she suffered on the buggy ride over would be well worth it.
Especially with Melvin at her side.
Of course, especially with Melvin at her side. But it wasn’t like he could sit next to her during church. She sat between Hannah and Mamm and did her best to listen intently and not shift too much in place. Everyone seemed to be more concerned about the buggy ride over being what was the hardest for a woman having just recently given birth, but hard benches and three hours of singing, praying, and preaching was the hard part.
She leaned over to her mamm. “I’m going to move to the back,” she whispered.
Mamm nodded, and Tillie eased from her place and tried not to disturb too many people on her way to the back.
There were always seats in the back for the old and infirm. She really didn’t feel like either, but she would need some sort of padding in order to make it through the service. This was the best she could do. She eased down next to Ellie Byler, perhaps the oldest person in their entire district. She was also one of the sweetest people Tillie had ever met. She gave Tillie an encouraging smile as she eased into the seat. She hoped Ellie was thinking what everyone else in the room was thinking, that she and Melvin had showed up together and things had changed. Their hearts had been moved. And they were getting married.
But that’s what’s going to happen.
Right. She knew that. And she was happy about it, even if she wasn’t excited. What was excitement anyway? Having a baby in a snowstorm was exciting. Perhaps that’s why this didn’t seem quite the thrill she had thought it would. For her entire life this was all she had ever wanted, to marry Melvin Yoder and start a family. Okay, so they went about things a little bit backward and they were going to have to make up a lot of ground with the church and other members. The people who had known them their whole lives. But it could be done. A year, maybe two, they would be right on top. Right where they needed to be. Again, the thought should have made her happy, but it only made her sigh in relief.