by Nancy Madore
Once the initial uproar of the crash was over there was mostly silence, except for vague whimpers and occasional shouts, none of which Carol could make any sense of. She perceived only that the initial rush of comforting chemicals to her bloodstream was quickly wearing off and that they were being replaced with a very intense fear. She felt wetness all around her, and concentrated on not thinking about what it was. She focused all her energies on listening attentively; painstakingly assessing the noises around her, not in an effort to make out what they were, but searching for one distinct sound in particular. She waited single-mindedly for what seemed like hours, listening keenly and anxiously for the longed-for sound, and wishing earnestly for the moment when it would come. When at last it did come, she had to strain to be sure she heard it, barely audible at first, but quickly growing louder as the sirens of the ambulance approached, closer and closer. Only when she was certain the sound she awaited was the sound she heard did she finally stop listening and begin to cry.
In what seemed to be only an instant later, Carol’s body jerked convulsively and her eyes opened to shockingly bright light. Abruptly she closed her eyes again. She knew instinctively not to move. There was pain everywhere—pain in places she couldn’t even identify. She felt so incredibly weak that she wondered if she was fully alive. She longed to hear a voice. She tried to alert someone nearby that she was conscious, but it took three strenuous efforts to finally produce a slight moan.
“She’s awake!” Was that Mary’s voice? Carol tried to open her eyes again, but they kept snapping shut several more times before she was ultimately able to keep them open for any length of time.
“Lights,” she croaked inaudibly, squinting and blinking uncontrollably.
“It’s the lights!” Mary said to someone else in the room. “Turn them down!” She spoke in a harsh whisper, overemphasizing every word.
“Is that better?” Carol heard Jane ask.
“Jane?” She didn’t dare move her head. Her eyes were finally able to focus without the harsh glare of fluorescent lights, and Mary’s concerned face came into her view.
“My God, Carol,” Mary whispered more calmly. “Take it easy now.”
Someone took her icy hand into their warmer one and Jane’s face came into view. “It’s okay,” Jane assured her in an authoritative tone. “You are going to be okay.” Carol closed her eyes in relieved gratitude. Good, sensible Jane always knew what to say to make her feel better.
“Harvey’s here, too,” Mary added. “He has been right by your side the whole time. He only just left to get us more coffee.”
They were covering all the foremost questions on her mind.
“What happened?” she managed to say.
“You were in a car accident,” Mary told her, omitting all details of the accident itself, including that the police had been questioning Carol’s alcohol levels or that it had been determined that the crash was her fault. “Everything is going to be fine,” she assured her.
“My face?” Carol hardly dared to ask the question that was most prevalent in her mind. It had not even occurred to her to wonder if anyone else had been hurt or if she had been responsible. She held her breath as she waited for Mary to answer.
“Not a scratch,” Mary told her. “Your injuries were all mainly in your—” She stopped there because Jane poked her. Carol caught a glimpse of Jane shaking her head at Mary from the corner of her eye.
“What injuries?” cried Carol frantically. “Tell me!”
“There might be some minor injuries to your back,” Jane told Carol after a moment’s hesitation. “The doctor will explain.” Jane gave Mary a warning look.
“I want to know now,” Carol insisted.
“There is really nothing to tell,” Jane told her. “We are all still waiting to hear what the doctor has to say.”
“Here’s Harvey!” Mary blurted with an audible sigh of relief.
Mary and Jane left the room so that Harvey could discuss Carol’s condition with her privately. In truth, Carol was remarkably fortunate to have suffered so few injuries. But those injuries were in her back and lower body, and there was the distinct possibility that she would never walk again. Neither of her friends wanted to be in the room when Carol learned this.
“I’m exhausted,” Mary told Jane in the hospital waiting room. “I think I’ll go home and get some sleep.”
“I’m going to stay until the results of Carol’s tests come back,” Jane said determinedly.
Mary looked at Jane in surprise, but then a grateful smile came over her tired features.
“You’ve been a rock through all of this,” she observed. Impulsively she kissed Jane’s cheek before she left.
It wasn’t until the following day that the tests came back conclusively that Carol had not suffered permanent damage to her spine and that, with hard work in rehabilitation, she could indeed expect a full recovery.
The news affected everyone differently. Jane was overjoyed. Mary, once the worst was over, reverted to her old attitude of open envy, marveling cynically over the unbelievable good luck that Carol possessed. Harvey was optimistic and encouraging, fully focused on Carol and her healing.
Carol, who had been anxious but full of hope while waiting for the test results, suddenly became dejected upon hearing this news. She could not understand how people could call her fortunate or how the news of her condition could be interpreted as good. An extended period of laborious effort stretched out before her, impossibly dull and difficult, all for the purpose of getting her life back to where it was before the accident. She fell into a deep depression and seemed to grow more lethargic every day. She refused to begin her treatment, insisting that all she needed was a different doctor. The hospital staff became patiently disapproving, while Harvey and Mary were becoming openly frustrated. Only Jane remained unwaveringly sympathetic, spending hours upon hours by Carol’s side, providing a never-ending supply of consolation and reassurance. Even Carol’s inane and shallow chatter, which she would normally have found grating, Jane endured good-naturedly, even seeming to enjoy it and responding in kind. Meanwhile, Carol’s condition continued to deteriorate, and no one seemed certain about exactly what to do.
One night, long after visiting hours were over at the hospital, a shadow fell over the sleeping body of Carol. It hovered motionless over her for perhaps half an hour.
In the dark room the woman stood staring at Carol thoughtfully. After a long while she removed a necklace from around her own neck and carefully placed it around Carol’s. Then she leaned over Carol’s body, very close—so close that her lips hovered just above Carol’s, and she could feel her faint, regular breaths brush against her face. Very gradually, and with exceedingly subtle, almost imperceptible little gasps the woman began to inhale Carol’s breath, pulling it in between her lips more and more vigorously as she went, until she was actually extracting the air from the deepest part of Carol’s lungs. While she did this, the woman willed Carol to let go, concentrating all her energies on pulling Carol herself out with the oxygen she was taking from her body. The woman continued in this way for a very long time, pulling Carol’s breath in purposefully and straining single-mindedly to subdue and capture Carol’s very soul.
Carol came suddenly awake, but she did not struggle. She stared up in stunned surprise into the face of the woman bending over her. The woman stared back into Carol’s eyes without faltering. In fact, it seemed her resolve was strengthened by Carol’s sudden waking. She drew the breath from Carol’s lungs even more violently, pulling with all her might while her eyes burned into Carol’s, effectively forcing her will into Carol’s consciousness. The woman labored tirelessly and resolutely without giving even the slightest consideration to failure. Carol’s body shuddered with small, involuntary jerks as she gasped for the air that was being drawn out of her. At length the woman could feel Carol beginning to yield and once again she sucked in her breath with renewed force, doubling her efforts. Carol simply stared up at her, m
otionless and dazed.
There was a slight but definite release all of a sudden, and the woman felt an overwhelming thickness in her throat and lungs as she drew in one last long breath and everything that came with it. A wave of dizziness swept over her and she fought the nausea that followed it. She struggled to compose herself, realizing that there was little time to waste now that the first part of her objective had been so well accomplished. She pressed the offending entity down into the deepest part of her, where it seemed to settle without any kind of resistance. Carol’s body slumped lifeless on the bed.
The woman leaned over Carol once again, this time focusing all the energy and the strength she had remaining into breathing life—her life—into Carol’s body. Giving herself over completely to the years of restrained privation and longing, she forced all her innermost desires to the fore and concentrated and held them at her center, lying just below her heart in the space it held between her lungs. The intense and deep-rooted emotions were easily captured and contained, for they had been a part of her existence for as long as she could remember, beleaguering her always. Her constant cravings for the things Carol possessed were far more powerful than any lingering attachment she felt for the things in her own life. Uppermost in her thoughts was Harvey—kind, sweet, wonderful Harvey! Her yearning for him over the years had become painful. She concentrated on Harvey now, along with all the other things of Carol’s that she coveted: the beauty, the money, the freedom. The only thing that separated her from these things that she yearned so earnestly for was the body she inhabited—a mere shell that should not have the power to keep her from them. She visualized Harvey’s eyes, seeing her as Carol, and the intensity of her efforts doubled. She must succeed or it would not be worth going on. She could not survive another day of her own existence.
The woman’s determination became a kind of frenzy that seemed to give her superhuman strength. She pushed the air out of her lungs and into Carol’s body with remarkable force and in painfully long breaths destined to take the very life from her. Each failed attempt left her gasping for air and reason, but only for mere seconds before she tried yet again. With each of these extended exhalations she poured out all of her keenest desires, kept secret for so long. The irregular breaths, stretched out to such a degree, had the effect of making her giddy and light-headed. She began to believe that she was Carol, and that those things she had spent her life pining after were finally hers. Her conviction seemed to ease the burden of her task, and she could feel a distance forming between what was her life and what would be. She mentally threw the past behind her and grasped frantically at the future in front of her. It happened in a mere fraction of a second, in an easy, sliding shift that was almost imperceptible. Seemingly out of the blue she was lying on her back with a heavy weight upon her. Looking up, she saw that the weight was actually her own body; for she had collapsed over the body of Carol—her body now! She felt weak and terribly disoriented, but overwhelmingly content. It had happened. She had really done it! She relaxed then, losing consciousness.
Carol struggled to finish her physical-therapy exercises for that day. Her muscles shook violently from her efforts, which were impressive for anyone, but astounding for Carol. No one could believe her remarkable transformation over the last few weeks. It was supposed that the near-death experience she suffered that night in the hospital had caused the dramatic change in her; for she had been sluggish and depressed up until that point. Even the hospital staff had come to doubt that she would achieve any kind of recovery at all. But the inexplicable relapse, or perhaps the long period of unconsciousness that followed it, seemed to infuse Carol with a new lease on life.
Harvey was the one who was most amazed by the change in Carol. He had never before, in any circumstance, seen such determination in her. She was progressing so well that her body was not only healing but appeared to be in the best shape of her life. Harvey was filled with admiration for her, and he did everything in his power to help and encourage her.
During this time of convalescence, another change had taken place between Carol and Harvey. It seemed they were growing closer than either had ever dreamed possible. It appeared that Carol had suffered some memory loss through her ordeal, and in the process of Harvey reacquainting her with their past, the two had begun replanning their future. Instead of feigning interest in the things Harvey told her about himself, as Carol had always seemed inclined to do before the accident, she now asked him questions that demonstrated a genuine interest. Harvey found himself wanting to open up to her more. He rushed to the hospital to see her at the end of each day. And he responded in more ways than one to the new interest she was showing in him; something in the way she looked at him now caused a stirring deep within him. He had never before desired her so much, but now when he made advances she hesitated still; only this time it was not in the mocking way she had done before the accident, but with a shyness that was unusual for her. She was not teasing him, but seemed genuinely timid.
Given these developments, both Carol and Harvey were as nervous as newlyweds when at last the day came for him to take her home from the hospital. Carol wandered around their house, looking at everything as if she were seeing it for the first time. She literally scrutinized the items in every room. Harvey brought her suitcases to her bedroom. “I’ll leave you alone to rest,” he told her considerately.
“No!” she protested, surprising him with her vehemence. “I want you to stay with me.”
“Sure,” he told her. “I’ll stay with you as long as you like.”
Carol raised her eyes to meet his. “I want you to stay here with me all night,” she told him quietly, but her voice held a calm determination.
“Won’t my snoring disturb your sleep?” Harvey asked.
“I don’t think that’s going to bother me anymore,” she said without elaborating.
Harvey sat on the bed while Carol examined the items in her various closets and fished through her dresser drawers. At last she discovered a gorgeous nightgown of pale silk that sent shivers of delight over her fingers where they brushed against it. She leisurely lifted the lacy garment from the drawer, deciding at once that she would wear it for Harvey on this very special night. It was a sheer, peach-colored slip of a thing that would do little more than cast a shadow over her lovely body. She turned to Harvey, holding it up. “Do you like this?” she asked him.
“What do you think?” he replied with a laugh.
Carol handed him the feathery garment. She stood before him, capturing his gaze as she began slowly unbuttoning her blouse. How many times she had dreamed of this moment!
It was peculiar—Carol’s body was not perfect, but for her it had always represented perfection. She realized now that perhaps it was the way Carol had accentuated all the finer attributes she possessed that made her seem so. Or maybe it was merely the way Carol carried herself, making even her imperfections seem beautiful and sensual. She had never liked or accepted her body before, so she had never been able to find comfort or sensuality within her own skin. Always her movements had felt awkward and stilted, making it impossible for her to enjoy that body, especially in the presence of a man. With each intimacy she hid herself away to change, creeping about in the dark and feeling her way into bed. She had never brazenly flaunted her body before a lover, but having admired Carol’s body for so long, she was now, for the first time in her life, not only able to do it, she was longing to. She could easily have been an exhibitionist for the pride she felt in displaying herself for Harvey’s pleasure. Her pulse quickened as she drew her blouse back off her shoulders and let it fall to the floor. The bra she wore underneath was lovely; a work of intricately woven lace that cupped and enhanced the look of the luscious breasts that were finally hers. No one had ever remarked on her former breasts—but then, she had never troubled herself to package them up in anything as lovely as the brassieres Carol owned. Perhaps they would not have seemed so commonplace if she had; but that didn’t matter now. She had lo
vely breasts and the beautiful lingerie to wrap them in. She watched Harvey’s face carefully as she reached around behind her to unsnap the bra and let it, too, fall to the floor. His eyes glowed as he stared, rapt, at the vision of her as she presented herself to him. She savored the expression on his face, and the little shivers of arousal it caused to course through her body. She could not resist running her hands over the soft, well-cared-for breasts, cupping them and even playfully pinching the nipples. Harvey’s eyes widened as he watched her. She wondered if Carol had ever touched herself this way while Harvey looked on. From what she had gathered from her many discussions with Carol about her life with Harvey, sex was a tool she used to get what she wanted. She would be the one to reap the benefits of that now. All the years of teasing and tormenting Harvey had cemented him to her forever. Carol had acted out of indifference and self-centeredness, but for Harvey it had created the illusion of value that was beyond anything he had thus far been able to achieve. Now, she would step in and love Harvey as she had always longed to do, openly and without a single worry of ever losing him.
She shimmied off her skirt and panties with amazing sensuality, exposing the rest of her perfectly groomed body to her long-awaited husband. She felt so extraordinarily sexy standing before him in the dimmed light. All was perfection and she was free to feel desire without the slightest sense of embarrassment or shame. She felt like posing and romping for Harvey in fact, uninhibited by any misgivings over her appearance, either real or imagined. She had admired and envied this body for far too long to see anything amiss in it now.
She moved closer to Harvey, offering herself to him with pride. But when he reached for her she turned her body around and raised her arms. “Would you help with my gown?” she asked demurely. He slipped the sheer nightgown over her shoulders. It fell over her curves perfectly, reaching midway over her hips. She turned back toward Harvey.