by Ella M. Lee
I had nothing left to give to anyone.
I would give the magic back, and I would leave.
Earlier, the idea had bloomed relief in me. Now, it settled like a welcome plan, like a beacon to hold on to. A new and different hope.
“SO. BE. IT.” The voice seemed resigned. “LIGHTNING MOTHER. PUT. YOUR MARK. IN THE. WATER.”
Where had this thing learned my dumb epithet?
I pushed the annoying thought aside and paused, confused, taking a moment to realize it meant the binding agreement I’d made with Stephan. I dipped my right hand into the water, covering my wrist. As I watched, the mark disappeared, the ocean washing it away among the seafoam, the slight pressure I’d felt with it there evaporating.
“THERE WAS. NO MORE NEED. FOR THAT.” The clouds churned, the sky darkening and then lightening. “LEAVE. JOIN HANDS. WALK. THROUGH. THE GATE.” Wind brushed me, wrapping delicately around me as it blew away the last of the weave, leaving only a thick glowing gold thread. “YOU ARE. HIS ANCHOR. UNTIL. YOU REACH. THE OTHER SIDE. DO NOT. LET GO.”
I nodded, twining my fingers with Daniel’s and tugging him close to me. “I’ve got you,” I said, and he laughed nervously, still wide eyed.
“LIGHTNING MOTHER.” My breath caught as the voice spoke. The million voices had softened into a breathy whisper. “THESE WORDS. ARE ONLY. FOR YOU.”
Dan had already begun to turn and lead us toward the torii gate in the mountains. I glanced back at the ocean.
“YOU. ARE WORRIED. ABOUT. YOUR CHOICE. DO NOT. FEAR. THEY WILL. SURVIVE. WITHOUT YOU. LIFE’S PATHS. ARE NOT. AS DIVERGENT. AS YOU THINK.” The wind pressed against my back one more time, urging me on. “THIS IS NOT. THE LAST TIME. WE MEET.”
The wind died. The ocean calmed. The clouds evened out, and a slight drizzle started, plastering Dan’s sapphire-streaked hair to his face.
Each step toward the torii gate took an eternity. My hand ached, locked around Dan’s, holding onto him like our lives depended on it—and his did.
“Ready?” I asked, as we made our way up the path.
“What if the voice lied?”
“It didn’t,” I said.
It had known too much to be a liar. Nicolas had told me again and again that magic couldn’t deceive. Whatever the voice was, it was magic. And whatever it wanted or meant for us to do, it hadn’t lied.
Dan and I stopped in front of the gate, looking its height up and down. He glanced at me, and I nodded. “Come on, Commander Darling. They are all waiting for us.”
We stepped through together.
The other side of the portal was still and dim. No one had moved from where I’d left them, scattered around the temple in order to support the shields, their eyes fixed on me. No one spoke. I cast my gaze to the left, finding Daniel’s.
He’s real.
I looked down at my hand, still gripping his tightly. I could see his hesitance to let go, and I felt the same. Finger by finger, I loosened my grip. As my skin pulled from his, I held my breath, but Dan didn’t disappear when I stepped away.
The golden thread that had been wrapped around him faded to nothing. The final echo of the weave Nicolas had created evaporated into colorful confetti.
Dan stared at his hands and then looked up at me with tears in his eyes. I hugged him, wrapping him in my arms and pulling him against me. The room erupted in cheers, each member of the clan coming forward and hugging us, piling onto us, clapping us on the back and welcoming Dan. The shields and wards died, fading to nothing, the pressure in the air relieved, making room for our joy.
I didn’t know how long it was before he let go of me, but his eyes eventually turned toward the door. Nicolas was the only one who hadn’t stepped forward. He stood with his hands folded in front of himself, oddly demure. Dan took a step toward him, and it seemed like he couldn’t help the small smile that graced his lips.
Nicolas’s expression relaxed and opened up. He held out a hand. “Lai-Ming,” he said, tilting his head.
Dan practically flew to him. When their fingers touched, Nicolas pulled him into a tight embrace, speaking in low tones close to Dan’s ear. Dan nodded emphatically, gripping Nicolas as though he were a final lifeline.
Their reunion brought tears to my eyes. Even the sadness over the loss of my relationship was crowded out for a minute as I watched Nicolas’s raw, untethered elation.
Nicolas held Dan at arm’s length, studying him intensely. “Your magic?” he asked.
Dan smiled. He turned one palm up. Sparks collected in it, forming into his signature web of white and purple lightning, crawling over his fingers with all the love and affection it ever showed him.
Nicolas’s gaze sharpened, and his lips pursed. “Do you have a sanctum?”
Daniel hesitated, his head tilting up in thought. “I don’t know,” he said. “I…”
He issued a string of halting, confused Cantonese, gesturing between himself and Nicolas.
Ryan’s hand landed heavily on my shoulder, and he gave me a fond nod. “Dan says he doesn’t understand anything about his magic right now. He says he can’t find a sanctum, but that he doesn’t feel any different from when he was a commander. He’s employing a number of metaphors to explain the differences between himself and Nicolas.”
“I suppose you’ll need to run some more tests on him,” I said. “I think, um, well… I’m not sure he’s human, exactly.”
Ryan’s eyes widened. “Lightning is turning out to be quite an adventure.”
“Yeah,” I said.
Ryan smiled warmly at me. I tried to return it but failed. All I could think about was Nicolas. I watched him without blinking. I tried to catch his eye, but his focus was only on Daniel.
Angry resentment bubbled up in me, warring with the joy I felt having Dan here. Nicolas seemed happy enough with these results, even though he’d hated my methods. It seemed unfair for him to treat me so poorly while enjoying the outcome of my decisions.
I looked down at my now-unblemished wrist. In a way, it had all been for nothing. I couldn’t have predicted the presence of that voice, nor its ability to give Dan back to us. I couldn’t have predicted that Dan hadn’t been truly alive in there, at least not in a way that would allow Stephan’s research to work. I couldn’t have predicted that nothing we did would go as planned, but I also couldn’t say we’d have gotten Dan back if I hadn’t done exactly what I’d done, each step of the way. Perhaps every single decision I’d made was needed.
But it was a hard pill to swallow—the idea that maybe I hadn’t needed to destroy my life for this.
It was too devastating to think that I’d lost Nicolas, the only man I’d ever thought might be close enough to my own heart to be my soulmate.
Eventually, he flung an arm around Dan’s shoulder, guiding him out of the temple and toward the soubou. Everyone followed in their wake, chattering happily, still cheering intermittently and touching Daniel as though they, too, wanted to make sure he was real.
Nicolas hadn’t spared me so much as a single glance.
They will survive without you, the voice had told me.
Nicolas would, at least. If anyone could be called a survivor, it was him.
I backed up until I hit the sanctum, churning gently behind me. I pressed both palms against it and sank to the ground with my back against the warm glass. My chest heaved. Tears leaked down my hot, flushed cheeks.
My life here was over.
I pressed my hand over my mouth, stifling sobs. Dan was back. He was home. He was safe. And now it was time for me to bow out. To bow out of this clan I added nothing to, to bow out of the negative attention I brought to us, to bow out of my miserable mistake with Nicolas.
Movement caught my eye in the doorway.
Teng.
I looked up, wiping my face quickly. “Hi. What’s up?” I choked out. “Is something wrong?”
Teng stepped closer, his hands in his pockets. He studied me, his lips quirking into a tiny frown.
&nbs
p; “Nothing is wrong,” he said. “I wanted to thank you.”
I shook my head, my chest feeling hollower than ever. “I didn’t do anything.”
Teng took a deep breath and sidled closer. I sniffed, trying to banish my tears. Teng was the person I least wanted to look weak in front of. I braced for some biting remark, or at least a sarcastic joke.
“I didn’t want to exclude you,” he said.
“What?” I had no idea what he meant.
“I didn’t want to leave you out of all this. I’m sorry.”
I shook my head. “It’s fine. Nicolas usually knows best.”
Teng tilted his head back and forth, not really agreeing. He dropped to one knee. “Come inside, Commander. It will be cold out here soon.”
He removed a hand from his pocket and offered it to me. I stared at his outstretched fingers. He wasn’t wearing gloves right now, and the angry red marks on his skin stood out even in the dim light.
Teng had never offered me his hand before, gloved or ungloved. I looked up at him, startled, and he tossed his head, encouraging me to come with him.
I put my hand in his, and he pulled me up with a firm grip, letting go the moment I was stable on my feet.
I followed him out into the dark night, but even his heartfelt gesture wasn’t enough to pull me back from my hurt and grief and sadness.
Too little, too late.
Although Daniel and I had a lot to tell the others about what had happened in the sanctum, that conversation was pushed aside in favor of celebration. The soubou filled quickly with music and loud talking and the sound of champagne bottles being popped.
Chandra and Keisha danced around, while the others refilled glasses and plates of food and made every effort they could to touch Daniel. Normally expressive and cheerful, Dan had a wide-eyed, shocked look on his face for most of the evening. He touched objects as though he’d never seen them before, he pushed food around on his plate before eating it, he tripped over his own feet more than once.
I couldn’t wait to get him alone to talk, because it seemed like a year away from this world had made him rusty on the more human aspects of life, but no one in the clan seemed to want to let him out of their sight.
I found myself also caught in everyone’s affections. They didn’t yet know how we’d managed to get Daniel back, so they just assumed I’d done it. This false attribution of success only widened and deepened the hollowness inside me.
Nicolas had disappeared early on in the night. He’d spent thirty minutes at Daniel’s side, talking quietly through dinner, before leaving without a word. He hadn’t even glanced in my direction. When I wandered out to the garden for some fresh air and quiet, I saw the lights of his office in the Aviary burning brightly against the dark night. Every fiber in me yearned for him, but I couldn’t bear being rejected yet again.
I wandered back inside, feeling lonelier than ever. I found Dan, hugged him as hard as I could, and went to bed. I lay there, staring up at the ceiling for the longest time, listening to the voices of my family drift up the stairs.
Just before I fell asleep, I logged into the email account I’d used way back when I’d still been part of Flame, and I sent a message to my old friend Leon. It was simple, but it was the first step in what I knew needed to happen next.
I need a passport and an ID. Can you help?
Chapter 23
I woke early the next morning and made my way across the misty garden to the lab. I had been intending to find a quiet place to write my report on what had happened in the sanctum, but Dan had beaten me there.
He sat on the floor among a circle of broken glass.
“Hmm,” I said, surveying the damage. “Well, Ryan will probably only maim you rather than kill you for breaking three of his orbs. What happened?”
Dan laughed uneasily, giving the devastation on the floor a dark look. “My magic won’t behave.” He rattled off a couple of sentences of annoyed Cantonese, his hands balled into fists.
I gathered the broom and dustpan from the corner of the room. “The voice said that you are magic. I think you’re going to have to relearn everything to account for that.” I swept the broken glass away from Dan. “I have a feeling you’re much more powerful than any of us.”
He smiled. “That’s always been true.”
I laughed. “I think Nicolas and Teng would have some very contrary words for you.”
Daniel’s smile died. “Have you spoken to Nicolas?”
“No. He still won’t talk to me. It’s only annoyed him more every time I’ve tried. I thought maybe after last night…”
I frowned. It had been stupid, but I thought that kissing him dramatically and then risking my life for Dan would win me some points. It stung worse than I thought to realize it hadn’t. I hadn’t expected him to stand outside my window with a boom box or anything, but I thought maybe I’d wake up to find a text. Even something impersonal like a thank-you.
That I had received nothing made my decision from the previous night feel even more correct.
Daniel’s expression darkened. “I can talk to him.”
“It’s fine,” I said. “It’s not your battle. I knew exactly what I was doing when I accepted Stephan’s deal.” I turned my back as I swept so that Daniel wouldn’t see my glassy eyes. “I made my bed. Now I get to lie in it.”
“Give him time,” Dan said yet again.
“Yeah,” I agreed, but both Dan and I knew that time alone wouldn’t fix anything, especially after the vast amount of time I’d already given him.
Being out of ideas hardly mattered. I had new plans.
“Hey,” Dan said, “let’s go to Tokyo tomorrow. Just you and me. We’ll take Ryan’s car and go on a comfy road trip.”
I mentally calculated my plans to leave. I wouldn’t have my falsified documents from Leon for a few days yet, although he’d replied back asking me for details so he could begin work. I had a little time left.
I took another look at Daniel’s pleading expression and smiled. “Sure, okay, that sounds fun.”
Daniel spread his hands. “Maybe Nicolas will realize he misses you.”
“Maybe,” I echoed, but I wasn’t very hopeful.
When Daniel and I finally got our reports written and sat down with the family to discuss what had happened in the sanctum, we were met with silence and blank stares.
It was Nicolas who finally spoke first. “There is a theory in Smoke…” he began, uncertainty permeating his voice. “It’s not a very firm one, and there isn’t much research behind it, but it posits that all magic comes from a single source, something beyond what we have ever known or experienced. A couple of hundred years ago, a Smoke magician claims to have spoken with this ‘source,’ and she is the one who began writing about it. Perhaps the two of you did the same.”
Daniel shrugged, running a hand through his messy hair. “I don’t know. All I can say is that it felt powerful, and real, and… scary.”
“And it’s the thing that got Daniel out of the sanctum,” I said. “Something the rest of us couldn’t do. Whatever it is… I’d be willing to believe it’s beyond us.”
“A discovery like this would be almost unprecedented,” Nicolas said, his eyes interested and glowing. “It is something we’ll have to approach carefully. For now, it’s best we keep it to ourselves.” Nicolas fixed his gaze on Daniel. “How do you feel?”
Dan shrugged. “Fine, I guess? Normal? My body is, you know, human. Everything, uh, works. I don’t feel different from… before. But my magic is sort of all over the place. I’m still working it out, but it seems like it gets surges. I want Ryan to take a look.”
“I can’t wait for you to break more of my things,” Ryan said dryly.
“I have weird dreams,” Daniel added. “Like I’m still in the sanctum. Bright, intense dreams where I’m in the ocean or standing in a field of grass. No sound, just… I’m there.”
“The voice told you that you’d have difficulties,” Irina said, lo
oking over our report on her tablet. “Do you know what that means?”
“No idea,” Dan said.
“It said limits and restrictions,” I added. “But it didn’t say anything specific.”
Nicolas shook his head, bewildered. “I suppose it will be something we learn in time. I’ve never seen anything like you, Dan. No one has.”
Dan laughed. “You’ve been saying that about me since we met.”
“There’s more good news,” Ryan added. “We’re not seeing spikes in the sanctum magic or inversion anymore. It’s only been a day, but before retrieving Dan, we’d been seeing them roughly every six hours. If this holds, I think we can assume our instabilities are cured.”
“Excellent,” Nicolas said.
Well, that was certainly one thing he and I agreed on lately. His eyes fell on me, but just as I started to smile, he looked away. My lips twisted into a grimace.
It was hard to not feel like my personal sun had died. I had spent so much time leaning on Nicolas, letting him fill my life, letting him heal me from the last disasters I’d gone through. Now I’d need to figure out how to do it alone.
The next morning, Dan and I set off on our Tokyo weekend. We’d already booked a hotel in Shibuya and planned our first dinner at an exclusive soba restaurant in Kanda. I’d sent Nicolas a message about the trip.
Going to Tokyo with Dan for two nights. See you when I get back?
He didn’t reply.
Every single time I looked at the sad string of messages I’d sent him over the past couple of weeks, my resolve to leave deepened. I didn’t want to hang around our clan house and see Nicolas every day with this wedge between us. That would tear me apart. The sanctions from the conclave prevented me from starting a new clan house location, or even from moving and setting up a permanent residence in another location as a Lightning magician, so what other choice did I have?