Anna had asked him on a few occasions if the reason he dressed in Englisch clothing when he attended the public school was because he was embarrassed of his Amish upbringing, and he had always denied it.
This was not something he felt comfortable sharing with her, no matter how close they were. How could he explain to Anna that part of him really was embarrassed, especially since he couldn't even explain it to himself?
Chapter 10
Inside the vast, Lilly Library, which was dedicated in 1960, Nathan learned that it contained close to a half a million books. He looked around him in awe, wondering if a person could ever read that many books in a lifetime. He chuckled at the thought of trying to read that many. He had never seen so many books in his entire life, and he couldn't imagine how many books there must be in the world. It seemed as if there was a lot that he was missing out on because of being in the Amish community, but there was also something to be said about the humbleness of community life and having those around you who love you.
When the tour had come full-circle and they had returned to the auditorium, Nathan's attention was drawn toward the tops of the high walls where painted murals depicted the social progress of Indiana. According to the tour guide, those same murals were exhibited in the 1933 Chicago World's Fair. Nathan was in awe of such talent and couldn't imagine painting such massive works of art.
****
At the conclusion of the financial aid workshop, Nathan stood and started to walk outside with Maddie on his heels.
"Are you going to your seminar now?"
"Yes I am. And I have to find this classroom a few buildings over before I’m late."
Maddie looked over his shoulder and studied the map with him, looking for the direction of the building in which he needed to go.
"Can I go with you?"
"No you can't go with me. You didn't sign up for it."
"Is it free?" she asked.
"Yes it's free." He said, annoyance evident in his tone.
Maddie smiled, and hooked her arm in his. "Then I can go with you."
"No you can't go with me," Nathan said, trying to peel her arm away from his.
He was getting more annoyed with her by the minute and regretted giving in to her earlier demands. He had shown weakness from the start, and now she knew she could push him around.
"Why are you even attending the seminars? What are they for?"
Nathan tried hard not to be short with her, but she wasn’t making it easy for him to be kind. He had been taught to be of a quiet spirit and kind to everyone no matter what the situation, but she was trying his patience.
"If you must know, I'm attending the seminars to learn marketing skills to take my quilting business online."
"I thought the Amish didn't use computers. Is your Amish girlfriend okay with you taking your business online?"
Nathan looked off in the distance to avoid eye contact with her. He was certain that if he looked directly at her during the conversation he was going to yell at her. The surrounding grounds helped somewhat to calm him as he walked through the campus toward his destination.
"Anna isn't Amish, she's Mennonite. And she isn't my girlfriend, I am engaged to be married to her."
Maddie scoffed. "Why would you get engaged in high school? That is so stupid on so many levels. I can’t even begin to tell you how that would ruin your future."
Nathan sighed, feeling unnerved by her constant questions and ridicule. "We aren't actually engaged yet, we are promised to each other to get married as soon as I graduate."
"Is that really what the Amish do? They get married so young that they don't even take the time to have a life?"
Nathan shot her a look of disgust. "Anna is my life, and so is the Amish community and my family."
Maddie scrunched up her face in confusion. "Then why are you here? Oh, wait a minute. You don't really intend to go to college here, do you? You are only here to go to the seminars. The Amish don't allow you to go to college, do they?"
Nathan was growing weary of her questions. "We aren't actually part of the community, since my mother left the Ordnung."
Maddie smiled. “Does that mean you can date and marry whoever you want to?"
Nathan pursed his lips. "I intend to marry Anna. I want to marry Anna."
"If you ask me, I think you're here because maybe you really don't want to marry your precious Anna."
Nathan increased his pace, intending to walk away from her. He was not going to put up with another one of her accusations, even if there was some truth to it.
Chapter 11
Nathan sat beside Maddie in the taxi as they rode through the busy city looking for the fabric outlet she found through a Google search. Nathan was more worried about how much the cab fare was going to cost him than finding the fabric outlet at this point. They had gone quite a distance from Bloomington searching for a fabric outlet off interstate 70.
When the taxi finally pulled up to a large strip of buildings resembling an outdoor mall, Nathan reached into his pocket to retrieve what he hoped would be enough cash that he’d set aside for the cab fare.
Maddie pushed his hand aside, telling him she had it covered and not to worry. He was all too happy to let her pay the fare since this trip was her idea in the first place.
As they stepped into the store, Nathan was in awe of the selection of fabrics and all the things they didn't have in the fabric store in Elkhart. Nathan wandered around the store while Maddie picked out several shades of pastels to make a quilt. Nathan helped her calculate the correct yardage needed for the size of quilt she wanted and then left her to decide which ones she would mix together for the pattern.
Nathan found himself lost in the thrill of the possibilities for making future quilts from the variety of fabric styles. Quilts were his life. It was what he knew. Nothing made him feel more inside his element than to run his fingers over a nice piece of fabric, imagining the possibilities and seeing the finished product in his mind’s eye. Quilting was who he was. He was a quilter’s son. He had always hoped someday that he would have a son that he could pass on his knowledge to that would follow in his footsteps.
Nathan thought of Anna and how much she would enjoy seeing this place. He could just imagine the look on her face at all the selection of different fabrics styles and textures. Reaching into his pocket, he counted the money that he had. He'd saved aside enough for expenses on the trip but found there were none since their meals and shelter had been provided for by the university.
He’d even tucked away some “just in case” money, hoping to find something that he could get for Anna since he knew he was going into the city. Fingering a particular yellow calico that he knew would delight her, he decided to buy enough to make a new quilt.
Seeing that the fabric was on sale, Nathan decided to get it in blue and pink as well. He knew Anna would be so happy to have the fabric in a pattern that they were unable get in Elkhart. It would make a nice quilt; one that they could keep for themselves or they could put in the shop for display. Knowing that he could mix and match all three fabrics to make three different quilts, he was delighted with his choice. And he knew Anna would be happy too.
Maddie came up from behind him and startled him from his reverie. "Are you buying that for your quilt shop?" Maddie asked.
Nathan nodded, not feeling considerate enough to formally answer her. He was over this trip and eager to go back to the dorms so he could do a little bit of research regarding the things he’d learned during his first seminar.
"I'm hungry," Maddie complained. "Can we go get some dinner at the restaurant around the corner?"
Nathan shook his head. "Not only is that not in my budget, I'd like to get back to the dorm rooms so I can do a little bit of research."
Maddie tipped her head to one side and fluttered her eyelashes at him. "It will be my treat. Please?" She begged.
The last thing Nathan needed was for her to ridicule him and make some snide remark about him being A
mish and poor. So he accepted her invitation even though it went against his better judgment.
Chapter 12
Nathan tossed and turned in the unfamiliar bed, unable to sleep. It wasn't so much that it was a strange bed, but that he had a guilty conscience. He felt guilt over having dinner with Maddie, especially since he’d actually had a good time. For one full hour, he’d forgotten all about Anna.
Now, realizing he'd never taken Anna out to dinner at such a nice restaurant, he felt more guilt than he could handle. It gnawed at him, nearly to the point of making him feel ill. If Anna knew what he’d been up to since he’d left her side, she would be ashamed and disappointed in him.
He would be lucky if she would forgive him and take him back after the careless way he’d been acting. It had all started with that one lie, that lie about being accepted at the University. And now he’d added another lie—in having no intention of telling Anna the truth about his dealings with Maddie. The stress was more than Nathan could stomach.
There was no way he could get Maddie off his back fast enough. If he could get through this week and get her well on her way to making the quilt that she so desired, then he could get away from her and would never have to have anything to do with her ever again. The only dilemma then would be whether or not to tell Anna everything.
After twenty more minutes of tossing and turning, Nathan decided it was best if he helped Maddie, hoping never to see her again. He would keep it to himself never to speak of it again. It wasn’t a great plan, but it was his only plan.
Chapter 13
Nathan yawned and stretched as he fidgeted in his chair in the auditorium, trying to concentrate on the lecture about school policy. All he could think about was Anna, but that was difficult to do with Maddie cozied up beside him. She was relentless, unyielding in her quest to pursue his help in making the quilt. How would he ever get through this week? It was going to be pure torture. How was he even going to get through this lecture with Maddie’s closeness weighing on his mind? It wasn't that the lecture mattered, especially since he didn't plan on attending the university. He was wasting his time here he knew, but he was expected to sit there and be in attendance in order to afford him the avenue to attend the seminars.
If this lecture wasn't required, he would jump from his seat like he wanted to and get away from Maddie as quickly as possible.
Unfortunately, he had to remain in his seat and at least pretend to be paying attention for the sake of his trip. He was beginning to wonder if any of this was worth what he was putting himself through, especially with what Maddie was currently putting him through. Feeling Maddie’s head drop against his shoulder suddenly, Nathan felt like he wanted to jump out of his skin.
Instead, he jumped from his chair abruptly catching the attention of the lecturer. Nathan could've made an excuse for himself such as needing to use the restroom, but he was an adult now and didn't feel the need to give an explanation. He nearly ran from the auditorium as quickly as possible and headed back to his dorm room.
Nathan fumbled with the key trying to open the dorm room door.
"Since you don't have any intention of staying in the lecture," Maddie said. “Perhaps we could get busy on that butterfly quilt now?"
Nathan could feel emotion clouding his thought process. “I’m probably going to get kicked out of here now that I left the required lecture, and all you can think about is making a quilt?”
Maddie laughed heartily. “This is college; they don’t kick you out for missing classes. Why would they kick you out for missing a lecture on student policy? You’re old enough to read the handbook, and they know that. You can read, can’t you, Amish Boy?”
Nathan felt anger course through his veins at her accusations. He was trapped in a lie he helped to create, and there was only one way out of this mess.
Chapter 14
Nathan woke up the next morning determined more than ever to get away from Maddie's clutches. She had a hold on him and it was not good. He was determined to get out of it any way he could. There was only one real way out of this mess, and that was to tell the truth to Anna and his classmates.
But how?
How could he possibly tell the truth now after all this time? His classmates would surely shun him, and Anna would never forgive him. There were too many holes in this plan, too many ways for it to backfire on him. He didn't like his odds, but at this point there was almost nothing else he could do to make things right.
So why did he feel so uneasy about it?
Probably because he knew that he stood to lose everything when the truth came out, especially Anna.
How could he possibly make this work and still keep everything in his life intact? The truth would come out one way or another, and it would be better coming from him than from Maddie. He needed to be sure that his classmates would not reject him when they learned the truth, but there was no way of gauging what their reaction would be. They would either shun him or welcome his honesty. It wasn’t likely that his friends would be too accepting of the truth he’d been keeping from them for the past four years of high school. He didn't know why, but he wasn’t ready to handle something this stressful.
The way things at school were now, he held the respect of his fellow students. If they were to find out that he’d been lying to them all along, he would never be able to face them again. It was likely that he would never see most of them again after graduation, but on the off-chance that he would have to encounter them again, he didn't want to ruin his chances for future relationships with any of them.
As for Anna, he would risk nothing short of everything to keep from hurting her more than he already had. This was the reason his parents had always impressed upon him to tell the truth. Lies seemed to multiply all on their own, and they usually ended up getting so out of control that they would never be manageable. It was too late to give himself a lecture on the perils of lying; he was already there.
The time to consider the risks of losing Anna had passed. At the point where the lies outweighed the truth, it was time to put an end to it, by whatever means possible. Anna would never understand his feelings about the Amish ways since she was brought up with most of them. She would never understand why he’d lied or why it embarrassed him for anyone to know his mother was Amish.
He’d considered going through the hassle of explaining that Lydia was not his birth mother, but then he would have to explain the rest of it. The part where his own father didn't even know of his existence until he was seven years old. That was something that Nathan had put behind him a long time ago, but he wasn't willing to risk ridicule over such a thing. Those kids who had been brought up with two parents all their lives would never understand his broken family situation.
He didn't know much about his classmates’ personal home lives, and he preferred to keep it that way so as to keep his own family life private. It was an easy out, he knew, but as long as he never talked about anything too personal with them or asked questions about their lives, he was able to keep his own life private.
He preferred it that way.
Chapter 15
Maddie slid into the seat beside him in the auditorium once again.
“I’d like it if we could do more than cut pieces of fabric today. I’d like you to start teaching me those fancy stitches that your Amish girlfriend told me about,” she whispered.
When he didn’t answer, she leaned up and whispered in his ear. “Did you hear me, Amish Boy?”
It surprised him that he had no reaction to her. Was it possible that he was actually getting used to her presence? What did he really have to lose by continuing to teach her to quilt? He could teach her his stitches and be done with her, and Anna would never be the wiser.
Or, he could continue to ignore her and pray that she would go away. Now there was an idea; prayer. Maybe, because it was his own sin that had gotten him into this mess in the first place, that he’d feared asking God for help on the off chance that his prayer would go unans
wered.
Though most of this mess was a means to protect his identity from his classmates, he realized almost by accident, it was to protect Anna and his family as well. After all, he was doing it for their own good, wasn’t he? At least that's what he tried hard to convince himself. What he was doing was just as much for the privacy of his loved-ones as it was for himself.
He had seen far too many Englischers around town snapping pictures of the Amish, throwing things at them, and mistreating them in general just because they were different. He told himself that he was only trying to protect Anna and his family from suffering ridicule from the Englisch. So why did it feel like he was caught in the middle of the web of lies? Maybe because that was fact, and his public life was fiction. It was the truth, and he was refusing to face it.
It didn’t matter which way he turned, there really was no way out of this situation and time alone would not fix this mess he’d gotten himself into.
Nathan turned to Maddie and spoke to her in a calm voice. “I will teach you the stitches today, but I expect you to stop calling me Amish Boy, or this deal we made is over.”
He was firm, but authoritative. Maddie held a look of respect for a moment, but it left her quickly, her usual, disapproving look returning.
She reluctantly nodded.
If he could be sure that Maddie was satisfied with his teaching, and her quilt was well underway before they returned home, then he would be able to put this whole mess behind him and never worry about it again. After all that was what he really wanted more than anything.
But what he really wished at this point was that he had never come on this trip in the first place.
Nathan realized now that he didn't really belong here. He belonged at home in the Amish community, and that was where he would stay. He still intended to finish out the week and to take the seminar classes, but only so he could use that knowledge to provide for his wife-to-be. After he left here at the end of the week, he would never think about this place again, for it was a place he just didn't belong. He only wished that he would've realized this long before he’d left his family and Anna behind.
The Quilter's Son: Book Three: Nathan's Apprentice Page 3