Walking through their front door, I have a flashback to the moment I saw her standing at the top the stairs. Being here all of a sudden doesn’t seem like the best idea, I mean she’s their son’s new nanny, it means I’m going have to see her eventually.
Unable to control it, I’m hit with a state of panic. My heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest, sweat starts to pour from me and my breathing has become rapid. I can’t move, rooted to the spot, like my body won’t allow me to take the next step I need to make. Reaching out in front of me for something, anything at all to hold on to, to stop me from falling into a crumpled heap on the floor, I take hold of the first thing I can, which so happens to be the half-moon table in the hallway.
“You okay there, L.” I hear Allie ask from behind me, concern clearly in her voice, yet I don’t answer her.
I can’t.
“Liam? What’s wrong honey?”
“I… I.” The words just won’t get passed my lips and even if they could, I don’t know what I’m trying to say.
Dipping under my arm, she comes to stand in front of me and takes both of my hands in hers.
“Come on, Liam. Let’s sit you down. It looks like you’re having an anxiety attack. It’s going to be okay, trust me, I had them all the time after my attacks. You’re going to be just fine, I promise.”
Fuck my life.
That’s all I need, bloody anxiety. I watched Allie suffer for months with it and it was a fucking bitch.
Leading me by my hands we head for the sitting room, taking slow steps so I don’t fall and face plant the floor, or take Allie down with me. This is so embarrassing, I’m a grown ass man and I’m behaving like some wimp.
Get your shit together Williams.
Sitting my backside on the sofa, Allie reluctantly lets go of me and stands back, giving me some much-needed space, which I'm grateful for.
After ten minutes of some deep breathing, I eventually start to feel like I’m back to normal, whatever normal is. I haven’t felt like that in a very long time. Stephanie was the one person that kept me sane. Now I only have myself.
Allie, then leaves me where I am so she can go and help Connor with Syren, and I’m alone for the first time since I woke up in that hospital bed.
Standing slowly, I walk over to the fireplace and approach the mirror they have above it. What I see looking back at me isn’t me, it’s a version of me which I don’t recognise and it’s not a very nice feeling. My features are drawn - my eyes slowly sinking into their sockets and my skin a pasty grey colour. I look like I haven’t slept in days. Basically, I look like fucking shit.
What have I done to myself?
Chapter Ten
Melissa
I’ve been in my new job for a week now and I’m yet to lay eyes on Liam, I know he’s in the house somewhere, but every time I’ve been there I haven’t seen him. So far we’ve managed to avoid each other like the plague. When I was told he would be staying there till they go on tour, I did shit myself slightly but so far, so good. If I’m honest, I’m surprised Allie and Connor have let me keep this job after everything that has happened. How Liam ordered me out the hospital room the way he did, without letting me explain or at least apologize to him for the way I handled the situation about Stephanie. I could have handled it a lot better, he didn’t deserve to find out like that, but I’m still grieving too, with the time I've had to try and come to terms with it. Even I don’t know how to process it all, I’m still trying to now.
Even after all these years, it doesn’t get any easier, and I still miss her every day.
Even if I do keep a piece of her with me, it still felt like yesterday when she left us.
Connor and Allie have been fantastic about it all, never once asking me for answers, it’s partly for Liam to tell them, it’s more about him than me, and so far working for them has been great too.
Considering their busy schedules they are very hands on parents and that I admire, most of the other parents I’ve worked for wouldn’t usually give a shit if they saw their kids or not.
Getting myself ready for my morning routine, I take a hair tie from the drawers beside my bed and tie my hair up on the top of my head. I’ve learnt fast that Syren has a thing for yanking on your hair and doesn’t let go till you have tears in your eyes. I can see now that we will get on like a house on fire. The little cutie keeps me on my toes, that's for sure, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. He’s a great little boy, with the biggest personality, and an even bigger heart. He makes me want to get up and go to work in the mornings or stay later when needed. Not a lot of people can say that about their jobs. Guess I'm one of the lucky ones. Now with that extra spring in my step I'm ready to go, I grab my keys off the side, lock the front door and make my way to my car. It’s a lovely warm sunny day and the sun is shining off of my beautiful pink VW Beetle, which brings the biggest smile to my face. I jump in ready for my day to start.
If Steph saw me now, she would piss herself laughing at me. When we were kids, I was never a morning person, now I’m up and out before the birds start to sing. Because of that, it doesn’t take me long before I arrive at the gates of the Blackwood home, rolling my window down just enough so I can reach out and press the buzzer.
“Yeah?” a male voice blasts out, sounding like me being here is an inconvenience to them. That’s when it hits me like a tonne of bricks.
It’s Liam.
Fuck.
I guess our time is up, we both knew that we’d eventually bump into each other, I just wish it could have been later rather than sooner. With my heart now in my mouth, I gulp down the biggest lump in my throat, which is impossible as my mouth is drier than Gandhi’s flip flop. Licking my lips I realise I’m still yet to speak.
“Erm, hi Liam, it’s Mel… I mean Melissa. Can you let me through please Allie is expecting me,” I just about manage to get out without panicking or worse. I very nearly threw in the towel and drove off.
“Guess I don’t have a choice.”
Jesus, he’s still angry at me, can I blame him?
Erm, that would be a firm no.
Pulling the key that Allie gave me to the house from my bag, I go to unlock the door, but find it already left open slightly for me.
Mmm, maybe I was wrong and he doesn’t hate me has much as I originally thought.
Pushing the door further open, I walk through and place my jacket and bag on the stand by the door. Quickly heading to the kitchen, as I always do when I get here. I go to prepare Syren’s breakfast before waking him. As I’m staring out of the kitchen window, lost in admiring the beautiful garden in front of me, I have the shit scared out of me.
“You’re still working here then?” His voice makes me jump, causing me to bang my leg on the cupboard door handle.
“Shit, shit, shit.” Bending over I rub my leg, not paying him any attention. That hurt like a bloody bitch, I wouldn’t be surprised if I had a lovely bruise there tomorrow morning.
A loud inhale of breath comes from behind me, stopping me from seeing to my hurt leg, and causes me to turn around and look at him.
I let out a gasp, shocked as I look at the man before me, for starters, I now understand why that noise left his mouth.
His eyes are zoomed in on my arse… what the fuck is that about? I can’t focus on that right now, this is not the time or place.
What shocks me the most is his appearance, he looks nothing like he did when I last saw him.
In his current state, I would describe him as a yeti.
He’s let his hair grow, his usual stubble has now grown into a full-on beard and his clothes would look better on a homeless person than on him.
Guilt once again floods me, I caused this.
He’s suffering because of me, because I couldn’t keep my big trap shut and tell him properly. My sister wouldn’t have wanted him to have found out like that, that’s what cuts the deepest, in a way I feel I’ve let her down too. Because of that thought, and that
thought alone, it hits me. I have to fix this, and fast.
The guys leave in just over a week for the tour, he can’t go in this state. He’ll be laughed off stage, it will ruin his career and that’s the last thing I want, he’s sacrificed enough already. He’s going to need his boys around him when I do eventually tell him everything and letting them down is a sure-fire way of getting his arse kicked by them.
Finally finding my voice, I squeak out.
“Yeah,, I’m still here, I also see you look like shit. Have you heard of a shave?”
Nice one Mel, talk about putting your foot in it.
Giving me a shrug, he answers me.
“Yeah, well, shit happens.” He’s curt and full of bad attitude.
“Look, Liam I-”
I get cut off when he holds up a hand, stopping me from continuing.
“Just don’t Mel, okay? I can’t talk to you about it, not yet, but I will apologise for the way I spoke to you at the hospital. You didn’t deserve that, you were just as shocked as I was, seeing each other after all these years. So I get why you just blurted it out the way you did.”
Someone pinch me quick. Had he just apologised to me?
I deserved the way he spoke to me, in fact, I deserved much worse. Maybe he’s finally realising that I’m suffering just as much as he is. It may be raw for him still, but every time I look in the mirror, I’m reminded that she isn’t here anymore. We have the same eye colour and slightly wonky nose; things we inherited from our Mum.
Not daring to push my luck, I give a simple reply.
“Okay, thank you.” If I say any more to him he might go back into hiding and that can’t happen.
He darts from the kitchen, leaving me feeling out of sorts. I can’t put a finger on the feelings I currently have running through me. Confused, hurt, grateful, but mostly I can feel heat running through my veins. Shaking my head and discarding the weirdness I’m feeling, I go back to what I was doing.
My job, the whole reason why I’m here.
My morning with Syren has gone by so quickly, time just seems to be running away from me. Before I know it, we’ve done all our morning activities of singing, teaching him his numbers and colouring in.
Placing him in his highchair in the kitchen, I go about making us some lunch when I hear raised voices from the hallway and the front door crash against the wall.
“L, just wait will you? Talk to me god damn it.”
“No Connor, you don’t understand. I’m slowly dying inside and no amount of talking to you or that shrink is going to help me. I fucked up, I gave her up, for a life with you guys and now she’s dead. I’m never going to see her again, this was never part of the plan.”
Loud sobs vibrate through the walls as he breaks down. My heart instantly going out to him. I want to go and console him, tell him it will get easier, but something tells me I’m the last person he would want to see right now.
Two doors slam shut, one's definitely the front door, and the other I’m guessing is Liam, going into his room.
Looking exasperated, Connor slinks into the kitchen and with a defeated sigh slumps down onto a stool next to his son. Placing his head in his hands, he’s pulled back from his thoughts when Syren clocks him one on the head with the toy hammer he’s been playing with.
“Thanks for that son, Daddy isn’t much fun right now is he? I’ll make it up to you, I promise,” he tells him, as he rubs the spot where he hit him.
Placing the little rascals lunch in front of him, I sit beside him and just think.
This isn’t right.
A wedge is forming between best friends.
Liam may hate me, but if I try to explain everything to him, it might help him with his grieving.
Before I know it, I voice my last thought to Connor.
“First of all, my sister’s death, it wasn’t caused by him leaving to start the band up. I just wanted you to know that. I’ve been around you long enough, Connor, you’ll think it’s your fault, and blame yourself. So don’t, it wasn’t your fault or any of the other guys.”
I felt like I needed to make that clear to him, everything Liam just said, well it sounded like it was aimed at the guys, whether he intended it to or not, I don’t know.
“I’m that easy to read am I?” Connor says now looking at me, only now he doesn’t seem as deflated, as when he walked in here.
“Kind of, but that’s not a bad thing. I can tell you all care about him, and I know exactly what he’ll do, he’ll try pushing you all away, hurt you all, but please don’t allow him to do that. He needs you all, even if he doesn’t see it right now. He will. He’s allowing his grief and heartache to rule him, so lashing out at the people he’s closest to is his way of coping. I was the same myself, until the people I cared about started to push back and made me see sense, and then I realised my sister wouldn’t want me to be like that.” I try to explain to him the best I can without going into too much detail.
“You’re a smart girl, Mel, and thanks. I’m glad you’re doing okay, and I’m sorry about your sister,” he says as he rubs my arm.
“Thanks Connor. Do you think it would help if I tried talking to him, you know explain things to him, how it happened, what she was like these past ten years.”
Looking at me, all the hope I saw in his eyes just now has been replaced with sadness. It must be killing him to see one of his best friends suffering like this.
Shrugging his shoulders in defeat, he follows it with. “I’m not sure, but at this point I’m willing to try anything, but if he upsets you, you must tell me and I’ll sort him out. You two may have a rocky relationship- if you can call it that, but you still work for me and whether he likes it or not you’re not going anywhere.”
Deciding it’s just better to get it over and done with, I ask him to watch Syren for a while, whilst I go and attempt to talk to him.
Let’s just hope I can get through this without breaking down myself all over again and open up old wounds.
Chapter Eleven
Liam
Arrggghhhh.
I scream into my empty bedroom, at the same time yanking on the rats tails that is my hair. I’ve let myself go, if I could describe myself I’d say I look like someone who’s been living on the street for the last week. I can’t even remember the last time I took a shower.
I thought this morning I was making progress when I took the step and apologized to Mel. Yet the minute I sat down and the shrink tried talking down to me about what I had done, like I was a bloody child. Then talking to me like she knew what I was going through, I just lost it. I stormed out of there, vowing to never return. I don’t need her psychobabble bullshit thrown at me, she’s just fucked with my head, and made everything ten times worse.
What I need is the guys, I need to get away and go on this tour. I need some normality.
Guilt then floods me, the way I’ve just shouted at Connor, he was only trying to help, I know that, but he pushed me too soon. My head is so scrambled, even I don’t know where to start with it all.
A timid knock on my door brings me out of my rage slightly, I need to calm down in case it’s Allie. Connor would certainly have my bollocks chopped off if I disrespected his wife in anyway, even if I didn’t mean it.
The knock comes again, only it’s stronger this time.
Walking over to the door, I pause just as I reach it, taken aback when a voice speaks through the wood. A voice I wasn’t expecting to hear, which stops me from opening the bloody door.
“Liam. You in there? It’s Mel.”
Why is she here?
Fuck sake
I hope she didn’t hear everything I’ve just thrown at Connor.
Her working for him and Allie is still mind boggling, I forget she’s there most of the time, including when I ranted and stormed off.
“Liam, please answer me. We need to talk.”
Talk? Is she serious? I won’t talk to any of the guys, why on earth would she think I would talk to her?
Yanking the door open, I’m about to spew my wrath at her but, stop when I see the nervous twitch in her eye and anguish that is displayed on her face.
She’s scared.
Is she scared of me?
Fuck, I’m scaring myself, I’m not that kind of person, I would never hurt her, or any woman for that matter. The look on her face crushes me, it almost brings me to my knees.
“Hi, it is okay if I come in?” she asks me timidly.
I give into her instantly, wondering what she could possibly want or have to say to me, and in all honesty, she has me a little nervous.
“Sure,” I say as I move back from the door so she can squeeze past me.
“Thanks.” She walks in and for a moment she doesn’t know what to do with herself, until she spots a seat over in the corner of my room. She makes her way over, the whole time I just stare at her, still unsure why she’s here.
Once she’s seated I close the door and follow, plonking myself in front of her on the bed.
She’s fidgety and looks everywhere but at me.
“I know I’m probably the last person you want to see right now, never mind speak to, but there’s things you need to know, and I’m the only person who can tell you.”
She is so uncomfortable, it has her crossing her legs and then uncrossing them again, she clearly doesn’t know what to do with herself.
“I don’t mean to sound harsh or anything, but what do you want Melissa?”
My head just isn’t in it at the moment, even if I’m curious as what she has to tell me. I don’t want to hear it. In my head, Steph is still alive, and she’s smiling and happy, not suffering in pain.
“When you first left Steph, I hated you and maybe a small part of me still does.”
Gee, thanks.
“But seeing you like this, it’s killing me because she always loved you, even after you left. She explained it to me once why you left and even though she told you to go, I still blamed you for breaking her heart.”
Syren's Rebirth (Syren Series) Page 5