“Arghhhhhh!” I cursed.
I was this close to tearing my hair out. He had a knack for driving me around the bend, which was not a compliment. I stuffed the note in my pocket, and the tee followed it. It was bearing his scent and I was glad because the first he had given me had become my plushy and smelled of nothing but mold. I now could replace it. I was trying to calm down, these new answerless questions had annoyed me and were driving me crazy. What was happening with Johan would not get in the way of my thoughts, decisions or actions. Indeed, he was right: I had to keep a cool head.
As I went through the front door of the house three minutes later, I was struck by the good spirits that prevailed in the house. Esthelle was prancing while dusting the gewgaws, Adélie was cleaning the windows. The girls had even put Milo up to the task and he was vacuuming the living-room. Wow, a man doing the cleaning, that was a revolution. No better yet, a miracle! I had never seen that in my life. Lola was the only one missing. I could smell her aggravation from the attic. After our nervous breakdown at lunch, I doubted she’d want to talk to me or she’d be happy to see me. But that’s life, you can’t please everyone. They stopped what they were doing when I barged in. Milo and his frowned brow immediately rushed over me. “Where were you?” he questioned. “You got us all worried! And what is that smell on you? Did something happen? Are you in trouble? Tell us!”
It took my wolf-self but a split second to react to his order — she was already on the edge. I threw the pizzas into Esthelle’s arms before grabbing Milo by the collar and pushing him against the wall. I was definitely not in the mood, and even though I knew his order was an innocent one, she couldn’t stand it. A piling up of questions plus an order full of irritation equals a violent reaction, especially since I needed to express myself and put actions into this anger I was keeping in: it had to exteriorize. I had kowtowed way too long, and now, I was running out of patience and control. Milo’s eyes goggled and went to push me away, but halfway through, he stopped and stared at me as if he had seen a ghost, and he just stood still.
The growl I uttered made him understand my perplexity and annoyance. “What the hell are you doing?”
“I’m submitting,” he said, lowering his eyes, which proved he acknowledged me as superior indeed.
I frowned and let him go. The witches’ gaze grew both shocked and amused when I asked: “Yeah, right. And for real?”
“I just told you. You don’t want me to kneel, do you?
“What? Of course not!” I cried. It was now my turn to be shocked. I was quite lost, too. “Milo, what are you saying? I’m sorry, I overreacted.”
“That’s fine,” he assured me. “Do you remember the last time we had cake together at the café?” I nodded even though I was rather skeptical, and wondered what mischievous plan he was designing. “I said, word for word ‘I’ll be your pack’. If Lola is part of it, then so am I. I’m a shapeshifter and I don’t have the same understanding of dominance as you guys, but I know you’re feisty and even though I can have a punch-up, there’s no need for a cockfight, I forfeit. And I don’t care if my alpha is a female, on the contrary, it’s an honor.”
“Milo” I sighed, “If you remember that moment correctly, I told you it wouldn’t be possible, and I said something along the lines of ‘it doesn’t work that way’”.
“But why can’t it work that way?” he insisted. “I say you’re the dominant, I submit, so why wouldn’t it be possible?”
“But, because… I… It doesn’t…” I stammered, caught off guard.
After all, why wouldn’t it work that way? Why couldn’t Milo be part of my yet inexistent pack? Obviously, he wasn’t a werewolf. But I wasn’t a hundred percent sure packs only worked for werewolves. I had grown to think so, but after all, there were very few solitary supernatural creatures, vampires also lived in a community, and so did witches and fairies and sirens! The problem was that everyone stayed with their kind. Yet if no one ever tried to mingle with another species, how would it be possible to know whether heterogeneous communities could work? No, let’s not hope too fast, it would only lead to deception. Besides, I’d already refused to be Lola’s alpha, a sixteen-year-old kid who needed my help: I couldn’t agree to be Milo’s, who was an independent grown man. It would be too much pressure. I sure had some qualities, but I couldn’t lead a pack. There were too many cons for me to go down that road.
“This is ridiculous,” I finally said, shaking my head. “You’re not a wolf, and I won’t let you leave your kin for some experiment that might not even be worth it.”
“You’re ridiculous!” Milo suddenly yelled. “You’re worth it, and in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve already left my kin!” And with this he pushed me away and left the house in a rage.
That was the first time I ever saw Milo in such a state. I really must have hit a soft spot. We’d never talk about his family, his friends, or the women he might be going out with. I had considered Lola’s feelings, but not his. What was his life like before all this? He was probably regretting it, he had left it because of me. And the only recognition I gave him was the silence treatment, stupid fights, doubts and uncertainties. I wasn’t just a terrible alpha, I was also a horrible friend. I had been through tough stuff yes, but it was all over now and I couldn’t let myself live in a world of lies, deceitfulness and lack of communication. Lola and Milo had chosen to come here with me. I hadn’t forced them to do so, but I felt like I was to be held accountable for it, and I ought to think of them before myself.
Well, I had screwed everything up today. First the fight with Lola, during which I had let her down; then the dramatic rendezvous with Johan; and I had now made Milo fly off the handle by hinting that I was not worthy of him and everything he had done for me. Awesome Maddie, well done. If there was a way my days could be rather full of happiness instead of gallimaufry, that’d be amazing.
I cast an ashamed glance at the witches — I didn’t know what to do or say. Thankfully enough, Esthelle was always there to calm the atmosphere. She was sitting on the couch and eating her pizza. There was tomato sauce all around her mouth and on her fingers. Adélie was staring at her hopelessly. The young witch ended up looking up, and when she saw how we stared at her, she rubbed her shoulders and kept on eating. “What?” she mumbled with her mouth full. “Some of us are hungry!”
It was refreshing to see that no matter what I’d do, Esthelle’d always have this distant and disillusioned gaze on me, or on the world in general. She was never judgmental, and in that prospect, I would never disappoint her because she was never expecting anything of anyone. The scene did make me feel a little bit better, and I joined her on the couch and started eating the delicious pizzas even though I wasn’t really in the mood for it.
“Thank you for the pizzas! They’re delicious, Adélie, come and have a slice!”
The concerned party rolled her eyes at us: she was pissed to see us eat on the couch when we could eat on a table. I gave her a chastened smile, and she finally sat with us and grabbed a slice of the goat-cheese-pineapple pizza. “Hummm,” she sighed, “they’re amazing! You should definitely bring some more often!”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” I smiled.
Lola joined us five minutes later. She timidly entered the room, driven by hunger, and sat on the same couch as Esthelle and I. She was as far away from her as possible, but still, that was an amazing progress. The tension rose high. The young witch was ignoring the young wolf who was ignoring me. What a lively mood. Adélie made small talk the whole meal long, but she never succeeded in forcing a word out of Lola or her sister. I would answer back from time to time because even though I couldn’t care less about what she said, it was still worth answering. I was too much in my own head to take interest in the tale of her workday.
After this zany meal, I wished everyone good night and left the house. Even though I was super tired, I didn’t want to sleep. I needed to run, so that I could get rid of all the frustration I had taken in d
uring the day. But there was something I needed to do first.
I headed for the stonewall — our stonewall — and smiled when I smelled Johan. He’d said he had to go, yet he had been there not long ago. I hoped he would come by once more before leaving, because I needed him to get this message. It was an important one, to me at least. I was meeting him halfway. Yes, Madelyne Carson was stooping down to ask questions to the first wolf who came along. I had hit rock bottom.
Johan,
I really have no clue. I don’t understand what happened between us, or why I keep coming back to you when I know you’re such a pain. I don’t want to be patient. But I do want us to see each other again, even if you’re the only one who will actually see. I will not ask you any questions about your intentions, or your life. I just need answers about mine, and I think you might be able to give me some advice. I don’t know where you’re going, and your devilish intentions remain a freaking mystery to me, but I hope you’ll be back. If you do, please let me see you again — so to speak. Take care of yourself, I wouldn’t want anyone else to relish in your murder before I do.
Maddie.
P.S. I accept your apologies.
P.P.S I don’t regret a thing either.
P.P.P.S I think I miss you too… unless I’m just longing to kill you?
I put the letter in the usual spot in between the stones — we weren’t exchanging mere notes anymore. I had never noticed the daisies and the clump of grass by the wall, and I realized how strange a place it was to communicate. It was as if we had never heard of phones, emails or just regular mail. Soon I’d have had to hire a carrier pigeon because modern technology is evil — I was only 50 percent serious. I lingered there just a little while longer, that wall was once again so ordinary, and it belonged to everyone and anyone, but at the same time, it was unique and special to us. I was wrapped up by Johan’s scent, and it made me feel better, almost comforted. I sincerely hoped he’d find my letter before leaving, so that he’d have the time to think about it during his shady journey…
Eventually, I left. The thought of spending the night there had entered my mind but then it shot right out: I had to run in the woods, for which I headed. The density of the trees and the darkness it provided would keep me out of sight, and once I got there, I transformed
My wolf-self tore my bodily cocoon and howled with delight. The wind beat against my fur. I had a rather unusual one: it was sort of multicolored — as far as wolf’s fur were concerned — because brown beige and white tones were mixed and formed a motley pattern, just like my eyes, one brown like hazelnut, the other like toffee. My strong yet light legs automatically turned on like an engine, and my body followed.
I was slowly running faster and faster, with my ears crouched on my head. I was leaping over the bushes, and the ground quaked every time I landed. I’d hunt the squirrels down, catch them — which’d give them a good scare — before letting them go. I’d rub my body against the trees to diffuse my scent here and there, and especially where I spotted Johan’s. I’d put on a sprint or two, and it felt good to give into my raw animal instincts. Hunt, eat, sleep, breed, repeat, that was everything a wolf would ever think of. Only the human inside complicated it all with feelings and friendships.
I decided to forget my troubles for a few hours, and so I sunk deeper within myself: the human was gone, only the she-wolf prevailed. Even when bolts of lightning stroke and the thunder rumbled and the rain splashed on the ground, I kept running, freed from the enslaving chains of humanity.
Gone with the deceptions, disappointments, and disillusions. Today had been filled with emotion. But tomorrow was another day.
Chapter 13
The other side was vacant when I woke up the next morning. Milo hadn’t come home, and he had obviously not forgiven me for our fight. I was heavy-hearted but I got ready for work anyway — shorts, tank top, mascara, and Bob’s your uncle.
Off I went. Aside from the Milo-situation, Lola didn’t say a word to me in spite of my attempts to loosen her up and get her to talk to me. Eventually, I gave up, and I kept quiet on the drive with the witches. I was worried though. Where was that shapeshifter? I knew he was a big boy but I was stressed out by his absence. What was he doing? Maybe he was in trouble. Maybe I had pissed him off so badly he’d gone for good and he’d never come back. That thought grieved me, and I hoped he hadn’t.
As for Lola… She was clearly pissed. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure to be ready to embrace this pack-link that was shaping up between us, and I wasn’t definitely not ready to be her alpha. Until I had sorted out my doubts and uncertainties and figured everything out, it felt impossible to lead a pack. Yet no one seemed to understand that. She definitely didn’t. If I had to become an alpha, I needed to be a hundred percent sure I could do it and that it was worth it. It would have been very irresponsible of me to throw myself head on into such an adventure without actually having the balls to carry it out. Should I do that, everyone would be disappointed, and I would have just wasted their time.
The good news was that Johan had come by the stonewall and he had collected my letter. Okay, it wasn’t the best news of the century but considering the complete mess I was in, I tried to make the best of everything. When he’d be back, maybe he would finally be able to help me and give some answers so that I could clear my head once and for all. That is, if he actually let me see him. I had to stay positive. Either way, he was this little beacon of hope shimmering by my side in the midst of the chaos that was my personal life — chaos which I had created myself for that matter.
The days went by without any considerable improvement. Milo had returned but he still wouldn't talk to me, and he now slept in the guestroom on the witches’ floor. Lola was so magnanimous that she still lived with me in the attic, but she also was still in a huff. Our conversations were not longer than “Good morning”, “Bye” and the notorious “Pass the salt please?”. I had tried to have a conversation with her several times, but she wouldn’t have any of it. She would only have an apology, and hear me say that yes, I’ll be her alpha. However, I hadn’t made any progress on that front. I would not apologize for wanting what was best for her.
And as for her relationship with Esthelle, the situation was deadlocked. I was a terrible Cupid. What was I supposed to do? The wolf didn’t talk, and the witch didn’t care. All of my attempts to patch things up between them fizzled out. Adélie and I would foment the most ingenious strategies you could ever think of, but the girls were freaking pigheaded. The good thing was that the two soulmates weren’t trying to kill each other, which comforted Adélie. They didn’t loathe each other, so there was still hope.
I was yearning for Johan. Every morning and every evening, I’d pass by our stonewall without ever finding a hint of his scent or a letter. He was actually gone. Everywhere I went, I’d only breathe in the regular air and the smells of flowers, gas, people. I was in withdrawal. His T-Shirt was the only thing that could help me remember his scent. Since Milo wasn’t sleeping in my bed anymore, I could wear it freely, every night. It felt like I had a part of him with me. I wondered what he was doing, where he was and why he wasn’t coming back. I found myself waiting for him every second, and I hated it. I didn’t want to wait for him. I didn’t want to miss him. I didn’t want to feel what it was that I was feeling whether he was far or near.
My she-wolf grew unbearable. I had to go running every night to get her to let go and channel my negative energies. Without Johan, she was losing it, and it was harder and harder for me to control her. My reactions were more impulsive and reckless than usual, and every little thing would get me angry. I had blown up more than once at mere requests from the witches. Adélie was worried about me.
Since I couldn’t talk to Milo anymore, nor Lola who, as a wolf, might have understood my feelings, nor Esthelle who didn’t give a damn, Adélie had become my confidant and my friend. Obviously, I hadn’t told her about Johan because he was my unspeakable secret. But I did tell h
er about my mood swings and my aggressivity, and she’d give me the advice she could provide.
We’d talk of anything and everything, the soulmates, my own behavior. She’d often ask about what I’d been through in the pack, or what my childhood was like, private stuff basically. Even if talking about it all was uncomfortable, I’d answer her questions most of the time, unless I deemed, she went too far. What I liked about Adélie was that she listened, but she never judged, and never pitied me either. I appreciated the fact that she took me as I was at the moment and she didn’t let my past cloud her judgement. I enjoyed our conversations very much. From time to time, she would talk about her own past, but she’d never go into the details, and she never talked about her powers either. Maybe she didn’t trust me enough. Or maybe she just didn’t like to talk about them. I never pressured her to, I’d make the most of everything she’d say, and didn’t linger on what she omitted. I did have some questions about her kind, but they weren’t tormenting ones, so it could wait.
At work, everything was going well: I’d received my second paycheck, and hid that money in a secret place in the attic since I had no current bank account, and I didn’t want to create a new one because I feared the pack might use it to get to me. That was ridiculous: if they wanted to find me, they would have done so by now. Yet I’d rather let everything subside, which meant I had no bank account, no I.D., no driver’s license, nada. Everything had stayed behind, and for the better. In a few months perhaps, I’ll set about taking steps towards being in order, but since I didn’t have to give half salary to the pack, I had more than enough money to provide for my own needs, and so I was saving up. The witches’ benevolence was endless, but I couldn’t stay ad vitam aeternam. Some day or other, I’d have to find my own place, but not too far from theirs though: they were almost family now, it’d break my heart to leave them.
She-Wolf I Page 16