Chapter 20
The horizon was getting brighter by the second, and we witnessed the daily rebirth of the sun. The heat was increasing, and it was barely bearable. Yet I didn’t leave Johan’s arms. They said that summer was to be much hotter than spring, which was already so warm — it meant that we’d get to spend more time at the beach.
What would I do this summer? My future seemed dull. Everything had changed, and all the landmarks I’d managed to build had been smashed to pieces. I was slowly creating new ones, but in a way, it was really scary not to know what the future held. In my former pack, I had never asked myself that question: violence ruled, and I’d never pictured myself anything but being dead for a living. But now… I was alive indeed, more than ever. I had Johan, I had my friends, a family and a job. Desires were heaving, they were not hindered anymore, and thousands of possibilities gave themselves to me. Thousands of futures. While my past was just some sullen and barren landscape, in which the days had the same pattern, over and over again — punches, insults, despondency — my future would be this interlacing of amazing days that’d never repeat themselves, and bring me the utmost happiness. Maybe I could go back to the beach, or pick up photography again? I could also expand my pack and welcome other people that were out of one, and who couldn’t fit in this system. And of course, I’d spend time with Johan.
I liked that future. It was full of hope.
I remained a couple minutes with Johan, asking him about what he liked and what he did and a myriad of other questions. On the one hand, I needed to take my mind off a few things, and and on the other, I had this endless thirst for him. I wanted to know everything, from his favorite dish to the names of his late parents or his education. He did his best to answer most of my questions, even if he did elude some subjects. He remained patient and played along, but I noticed that he wanted to make me undergo the same kind of interrogation. And I would, just one step at a time.
I learned how his parents Isabelle and Aymeric, had been overthrown by their beta and killed in front of their son, how he had to run for his life and how he’d left his friends under the rule of a violent and abusive alpha. Our histories did have some things in common, aside from the fact that he didn’t suffer from being a woman. However, even if he’d been taught to hunt, to fight, and to lead, he did have a good education, advocating respect, and especially towards women, who were more than just life-givers, and who had tremendously important qualities in the pack dynamics. It reassured me to know the details, for it strengthened the trust I’d already partly given him.
Before he met me, Johan spent his days listing the different packs of the country. He spied on them, trying to get to know their ways, especially their alphas, and he kept notes in which he wrote all the important information about each pack he’d discovered. Obviously, he did it in secret, without ever introducing himself, which brought him a lot of problems. Yeah, when a lone wolf breaks into a pack’s territory, he or she’s done for. Sometimes, he was spotted, sometimes he wasn’t.
In the course of his investigations, he’d collected a ton of enemies, when he was actually looking for allies. The truth was that he was doing all of this to find a powerful and benevolent pack that may help him overthrow the monsters that his parents had died from. In nine years, his project still hadn’t succeeded, which didn’t stop him, given this iron will of his. I was quite impressed with his efforts, because I never could have spent some much time on something without having any results. It said a great deal about who he was, that is, someone stubborn, obstinate and tenacious. Anyhow, his thirst for revenge explained his leaving the witches’ house often. Now, we were both revengeful. I dearly hoped Johan could find peace eventually, and if he had to kill those who’d murdered his parents, then so be it.
No matter what, I’d have his back.
I was collecting information about him. His favorite dish was chili con carne or French boeuf bourguignon, but he confessed he liked everything that had meat and / or pasta in it. Typical. His favorite color was “the color of your eyes, Maddie” — which was very cute but impossible because my eyes were particolored but never mind — so in the end, he chose red. His favorite season was spring, the season of love and renewal and possibilities. Typical again, I’d rather go with fall, because the colors were beautiful, or winter, because I loved snow and the amazing whiteness of the endless landscapes.
He didn’t watch any TV, whereas I did like to watch some of its shitty programs, but he was fond of movies and literature. His favorite place was the forest, where he could let his wolf side breathe and have fun away from the curious humans, but he liked the beach and the mountains too. He loved rock and jazz, when I was a pop-girl. He worked out, he ran, he swam, he’d practice every kind of sport there ever existed (except horse-riding I think), but I was no athlete at all. But hey, good for me, I could enjoy his broad-shoulders, his rock-hard pecs and his six-pack everyone would dream of having, boys for themselves and girls to look at, and his behind — he had the most perfect butt. And since he had many fighting skills, he could train me.
Adélie and Esthelle were his only family, and he loved them like sisters, and he might even consider Adélie as a mother figure. He constantly looked out for them and made sure they were safe and happy, in spite of his being often away. He’d worked a ton of jobs, he’d been a mechanic — sexy — lifeguard, cook, plumber, florist — all sexy too — he’d given private tuition, had done some people care, and worked as a cab driver. I was impressed by so much talent, I felt useless next to him. Was there anything he couldn’t do? He said there was a ton of stuff he couldn’t do: he said he sucked in the art area, because he didn’t how to draw or paint (unlike me) and he didn’t play any instruments either, when I played the piano and the violin, and he wasn’t that much of a cook in the end. He wasn’t very organized (what a terrible flaw!) and he often slept in whenever he could. He may repeat that he had lots of flaws, he was more like, perfect, to me. For now.
“Well, I can count to three and lace up my shoes. How’s that?” I sighed, bummed.
“That’s a good start!” he laughed holding me close. “Don’t talk nonsense, it’s not a race. You can do a lot of things that I have no clue about.”
“Really? You can’t’ lace up your shoes?” I grumbled which made him laugh again.
“Mad’,” he smiled, kissing my forehead. “You have good people skills, and I don’t. You’re smiley, everyone likes you and appreciates you. You’re funny. You’re smart. I heard you’re an amazing cook, and that you draw and paint like an artist. You play music, you read, you care about other people. Those are a lot of things I don’t do on a daily basis.”
“How do you know all of this?” I questioned, intrigued.
“I talked to Daniel and your grandmother when we were planning their escape, and… I couldn’t help but ask questions about you.”
When he mentioned my friend and my grandmother, I was immediately taken out of my torpor. I’ve been asking about Johan’s life for hours but there much more important business to deal with! How could I have forgotten about them? Anxiety suddenly resurfaced, like an elevator. Were they okay? Damn it! I’d selfishly asked Johan to come here while he was helping them… They were definitely going to get in trouble now! Dear God, I was on the verge of a heart attack.
I flooded Johan with questions: “Did you see them? Are they okay? Are they hurt? Locked down? Why on earth would you leave them there to come back here? Are they gonna get in trouble? Did the pack see you?” “Calm down,” he winced. “Yes, I’ve seen them. They’re… Well, they’ve been better. They’re hurt and they’re locked, and your grandma’s in bad shape because of what they’ve done to her, and I don’t know if she’s going to get better. I’m sorry, Mad’. I left them because Adélie called me. They weren’t in immediate danger, and you were. I don’t think they're going to get in any more trouble than they are now. They’re up the creek without a paddle, just because they defended you. The pack figured
there was a stranger roaming their territory and they haven’t caught me, but they probably will soon enough, now that Ryan knows about me.”
I was silent, astonished and angry. Those scumbags were beating up my grandma so bad she might never recover, or be wrecked for the rest of her life? What kind of people bang up an old person? Or a teenager like Daniel? I loathed them, to my very core. We should put up an international website to denounce every bad action of this world and burn the monsters who did it like when witches burned at the stake (sorry Adélie, sorry Esthelle). Well, that was a bit extreme, and would probably destroy the planet very quickly, but I had to have a bad idea every now and then. It was hard to take things into consideration, and to find the middle ground between love and hate, forgiveness and revenge, Good and Evil. I was tired of those concepts. By dint of thinking about solutions, I was weary, and I only wanted to stop thinking and destroy the world. Not a very sane state of mind.
What could I do? I couldn’t do anything, it was too personal, I was too hurt by the problem to handle it with a clear mind. What could I do without my grandma? I may have been busting my ass working and building a pack, I missed her and to know that she was in such a dreadful state broke my heart. She was the only family I had left. I had my pack, obviously, but it wasn’t the same, we weren’t related. Andrea had lived with my parents, she raised me when they died, she protected me, she knew me as a child, full of innocence, and that innocence was now crushed. I couldn’t lose her. She was my beacon of light in the darkness, that little glimmer of hope that was never put out and reminded me of who I was.
Feeling that his explanations had upset me, Johan held me even tighter. I wished I knew how he felt, what he was thinking about. I could just ask him, but I wasn’t in the mood anymore. I wish that there was this intimate connection between us that would make sure I could feel him by my side at all times. It was weird to think of the two of us as one single person, and it may be unhealthy, even, but wasn’t it what the soulmates were about? The reunification of two single pieces into one? It's kind of creepy when you put it like that though.
I stuffed my face into his neck and let him caress my hair. He didn’t know what I was really like yet, but he did the right things and said the right words. Up till him, my life was just complete and endless chaos. My sorrows and my woes just repeated themselves, day after day, and in the middle of that mess, I’d found him, Johan the man of my nights, of my desires, of my life. Every wolf has its day. I had undergone such brutal and agitated days, and I could have gone on so many different paths, but in the end, there was this well-earned opportunity that was just waiting for me to seize it. Johan was this opportunity for a better life, for happiness, and I had to take that chance.
“You should go back to help them. I shouldn’t have asked Adélie to call you… If anything should happen to them, it would be my fault…”
“Of course not!” he protested, kissing my forehead again. “Do you think I would have left them on their own if I’d thought for a second that they were in danger?” I shook my head. I trusted Johan, and I knew he wouldn’t leave a grandmother and a fifteen-year-old boy to their fates. He wasn’t that kind of guy, quite the opposite. “You were right to ask her to call me,” he went on. “I would have lost it if I’d found out only later on that something had happened to you. I’m already beating myself up quite strongly, and it would have been even worse to show up without warning three weeks later.”
“I don’t want you to blame yourself!” I growled, annoyed.
“I know. And I’m trying, but the feeling’s still there,” he sighed before suddenly cheering up. “Can I see you now?”
“Yes.” I smiled, closing my eyes. A little apprehension itched in my stomach. I probably looked terrible, with my messy hair, my pale complexion and my cracked lips. Oh dear God, and my breath! Even that of an ogre couldn’t compare to it. I mean, I knew Johan probably didn’t really care, but I did. I wanted to be pretty for his sake as well as mine. Fail. But given the reason as to why he was here, he’d probably forgive my non-prettiness.
Even though my eyes were closed, I could feel his gaze upon me. It was both a weird and good feeling, because I felt myself loved without even actually seeing it, thanks to the conviction in his look. He placed a lock of my hair back behind my ear, and his thumb grazed my cheek. The feeling of his touch wasn’t strong, but I started to panic. In my mind, Ryan’s face was shaping up, and this dreadful drawing formed on the blackness I faced as my eyes were closed. I knew it was Johan in front of me, touching me, but not being able to see turned out to be a very bad experience. Maybe because without my eyes, I felt vulnerable, and now, I couldn’t stand the feeling. Johan had to have noticed how uncomfortable I was, because he whispered: “You should open your eyes…”
I followed his advice and the anxiety that had spread within me vanished in the blink of an eye. Ryan’s actions did have some psychological consequences after all. I would have to work on it to make them go away, or at least, tame them. There was still concern on Johan’s face. He was trying not to show it, but I guess I knew him all too well already. Everything was upside-down. At first, I’d felt him, I hadn’t seen him, but my soul had recognized, acknowledged him. And now, I felt him, I saw him, and I knew him without actually knowing him. That was all very complicated, but it was also the simplest thing there ever was. I was getting mixed up on my own, I was a bit puzzled because of everything that was happening.
I reluctantly decided to get Johan to go back. I needed him there, but I also needed him to be with the others. How could you need someone in so many different ways? Nothing made sense but everything was clear. “Johan, you’re gonna have to go back,” I whispered as my heart broke at the thought of us not being together.
“I can’t. I can’t leave you alone, it’s beyond me.” He frowned; his eyes were still closed. It had probably grieved him not to see me anymore, but he had privileged my well-being over his own desires. I grazed the little wrinkle in between his eyebrows, deepened by his worries. My index finger went down and ended up on his mouth. I always came back to his mouth, whether by thought, by look or by touch, it was like a magnet. He shivered and kissed my finger and then the palm of my hand. It was probably hard for him to keep his eyes closed, but oh well. After all, he had been in my position during our previous encounters, when he made me cover my eyes with a scarf or when he threatened he wouldn’t show up if I ever looked at him. I would never get bored of looking at him.
“I’m not alone,” I said. “The witches are there, and Clemencia and Lola and Milo…” Displeased, he growled when I pronounced the shapeshifter’s name. It seemed he wasn’t fond of him. I smiled, amused, and put my arms around his neck to refrain my urge to touch him all over. “What’s wrong with Milo?” I asked curiously.
“He can see you, touch you, live with you, laugh with you, sleep in your bed, take you in his arms, and I can’t do any of those things,” he complained, hugging me possessively. “And besides, I hate it when you’re wearing his scent when we meet. Images come rushing through my brain.”
“Is there any chance you’re implying I’m a slut? I thought you trusted me,” I complained.
“Of course not! And I trust you completely. It’s just that being away from you awakens the worst in me and I can’t bear the idea that he may touch you or even look at you, I just can’t stand it.” A part of me liked the idea of him wanting to spend more time with me and that he was kind of jealous of the men around me. But I didn’t want him to cross the line. He had the right to be jealous, but he couldn’t make me stop seeing my friends, including Milo. He wasn’t actually saying that right now, but I wanted things to be clear between us.
I kissed the edge of his lips; I was torn between his cuteness and my desire to punch him for thinking that. “I understand. But you know, I love Milo, he’s my friend, and I can’t live without him. So I hope you can accept the fact that I’m not planning on avoiding the people in my life for you, even if we’r
e soulmates.”
“Oh God. I hate it when you say you love him. Seriously, my heart stopped beating for like, ten seconds.”
“Johan!” I rebuffed him with a smile.
“Okay, okay,” he grumbled before kissing my cheek. “I know I could never stop you from seeing your friends, even your, hum, male friends, because I want you to be happy. But I can’t help but being jealous, especially when the said male he’s madly in love with you and he’s trying to take you away from me.”
Thank God his eyes were closed, because otherwise he would have seen me blush and I would have been in a fix. I hid in his neck, wondering how on earth could he know about that. And I was quite amazed that he seemed to know that for a while, and he didn’t have a fit. He could have yelled at me, stopped me from seeing Milo and cursed me like crazy because I’d hurt his pride, but no. He’d just kept quiet, saying cutting remarks here and there to let me know he didn’t like him, but that was it. He was actually perfect.
“How do you know that?” I mumbled, a little ashamed without even knowing why.
“I know everything,” he teased. “You know, he wouldn’t have given up everything for you if he didn’t love you, and I know what I’m talking about. And let’s not forget that I’ve seen how he acts around you, and I always smell his scent on you. I’m not blind. I don’t want to meddle in other people’s business, but I just want to know… Did he ever tell you how he felt about you? Or did he ever make a move?” He was trying to put a brave face on it, and to act as if he didn’t really care, but I could see nervousness all around his face. And above that, the scents of anger and panic were all over the place. He was terribly anxious at the thought that Milo and I may be more than just friends. But how could he? Did he see how much I cared about him? The way I looked at him? Oh, my bad, he couldn't see it.
“Yes, he told me how he felt, but he didn’t make any move.”
She-Wolf I Page 26