by M. L. Rice
At the end of her uneventful shift, she descended from her lifeguard tower, appreciating it all the more since she had almost lost it forever, and decided that going over to Jennifer’s house was definitely the next best step.
Chapter Eleven
Bryce, freshly showered and changed into her most comfortable swim team shorts and Texas Longhorns T-shirt, rang the doorbell of her best friend’s house. Jennifer answered with a genuine smile on her face.
“Look who it is! Where have you been for the last couple of days? Oh wait, never mind.” Jennifer winked conspiratorially.
Nausea hit Bryce instantly. “Can I come in? I need to talk.”
Jennifer’s smile fell as she noticed her friend’s discomfort. “Of course! Let’s go to my room.”
Jennifer led the way to her upstairs bedroom and Bryce actually got light-headed as she passed the guest room where Michael had attacked her. Luckily, Jennifer wasn’t looking at her and didn’t notice.
They entered Jennifer’s room and Bryce sat down on the carpet in the middle of the room. Jennifer looked at her quizzically, but joined her.
“What’s wrong?”
“You’re not going to believe what happened yesterday.”
“Try me.”
Bryce told her the whole story, up until her near firing that morning. When she was done Jennifer was staring at her, mouth wide in horror. “So anyway. I wanted to hear what you think about it. What should I do?”
For the first time in their friendship, Jennifer was completely silent on the subject. She was a quiet person, but was always ready with sound advice and logic for any situation. Right now, she seemed stumped. “Wow, I…”
“Shit.” Bryce leaned over and placed her face in her hands.
“No! I mean, let me think about this. Okay. I just need some clarification. Are you saying that you are definitely, no doubts about it, positively a lesbian?”
“Yes. I’m a lesbian. For sure.” Saying it out loud sent waves of uncomfortable adrenaline through her body.
“Do you have a problem with that yourself?”
“No! Of course not. I mean, it’s a little unexpected in an…expected sort of way, I guess, but I am who I am.” Bryce shrugged. “This just adds another layer, I guess.”
“Well, that’s a good start.” Jennifer patted her knee. “Now. Is this something that you want to lie to your mom about?”
“Not really. I mean, if it makes the next part easier, maybe, but I’d feel crappy about it. We have our troubles, but she’s my mom, you know?”
“I know. Does your relationship with Leah figure anywhere in this?”
“What do you mean?” Bryce lifted her head.
“I mean, how serious are y’all?”
“Well, we’ve talked about that a lot actually. I really like her and I know she’s liked me forever, but neither of us can see how this can last when we go to college. I mean, I want to spend every second of every day with her right now, but my practical side knows that this is just an amazing moment that will have to end soon.”
“And you’re prepared for that?”
Bryce shook her head. “Nope. How can I be? But I’ve accepted it and that’s the best I can do for now.”
Jennifer nodded as she looked at the floor, thinking. “Okay. That leaves you two options here. And you’re not going to like either one.”
Bryce sighed and stretched out to lie flat on the floor as if she were in a psychiatrist’s office. “Okay. Shoot.”
“One: Lie to your mom and tell her you’re not gay, you were confused, and make up something that sounds believable for why you were practically naked with Leah.”
“It’s too late. I already admitted to her that I’m gay. I don’t think she’ll believe me if I just pretend like it was a mistake. She’ll know I’m lying.”
“That’s true. The second option is to be yourself and deal with her bigotry in whatever form it may take. Stand up for who you are and risk pushing her away.”
Bryce threw her arm over her eyes and growled, “This is all so damn pleasant.”
Jennifer sighed and stretched out next to Bryce on the floor. “The next three weeks of your life aren’t going to be the best.”
Bryce took a moment to gather her thoughts before asking, “What about Leah?”
“You have to decide that on your own. It doesn’t sound like your mom is going to welcome her back to your home with open arms, and I still don’t see how you guys can continue dating unless it’s on the sly. Unless you don’t mind the confrontation, of course.”
Bryce was quiet for a long time.
“What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking lots of bad words that I won’t say out loud.” Bryce paused. “And my heart hurts.”
Jennifer stood up and held out her hand. Bryce grabbed it and was helped back onto her feet. Jennifer pulled her into a tight embrace and Bryce’s eyes watered, but she was determined to keep her composure.
“What do you do when your mother tells you you’re going to hell?”
Jennifer sighed into Bryce’s hair. “I don’t have an answer for that one. I’m sorry.”
*
After spending the next few hours at Jennifer’s house, Bryce realized she would have to go home and face her parents. She left the comfort of her best friend with regret and slowly made her way home, taking the longest route she could think of to reach her house. When she finally pulled up to the driveway, a wave of apprehension washed over her when she saw an unfamiliar Range Rover in the driveway.
Maybe it’s nothing. Not everything is about you, you know.
She parked her car and made her way to the front door. She didn’t want to risk going in the kitchen door since it was dinnertime. Maybe she could avoid her parents again tonight. She opened the front door quietly and stopped in her tracks as she saw her father standing sentinel in the hallway.
“Bryce, honey, please join us in the living room.”
Her heart hammered as she followed him to what she now knew was waiting. Sure enough, as soon as she stepped foot into the living room she saw her mother sitting with Pastor Harold and an unknown woman on the couch.
“You’ve got to be kidding me. Is this an intervention?”
“Sweetie, no.” Her mother said kindly, her tone far nicer than when she’d found Leah and Bryce together. “We just want to talk to you about what you’ve been going through.”
“With two strangers? Mom, this is none of their business.” The insult of the situation heated Bryce’s whole body like a flare.
“They’re here to help, honey. Let’s talk about this.”
Bryce turned to go to her room but ran into her father standing like a redwood tree behind her.
“Sit down.” He said it quietly, but she knew by the tone of his voice she would have to obey.
She crossed her arms, scowling, petulant as a little girl as she sat on the love seat alone. Her father remained standing behind her, as if ready to block her if she decided to try another escape.
Her mother began, “Bryce, you know Pastor Harold Noke from the church, and this is his friend Dolores Coulson.”
“Hello, Bryce,” Harold and Dolores said as one with sugary smiles on their faces.
“Hi,” Bryce replied with no emotion in her voice.
“They’re here to help you with the problems you’re facing with…with your confusion.”
“The only problem I have right now is sitting here.” Bryce knew she was being obstinate and likely making things worse for herself, but she was just so angry about being put through this when she had so many things to worry about on her own. How dare they make her feel like this! Like something was wrong with her. Like she’d morphed into some kind of freakish monstrosity.
Pastor Harold looked at her with a patronizing grin as he said, “Now, Bryce, please don’t take offense to us being here. We’re here because we love you and want to help you. Would you please let us do that?”
“Say whatever
it is you want to say,” Bryce snapped, wanting to get it over with as soon as possible. She couldn’t believe how combative she was being. She had never behaved this way to anyone, especially adults. This thought only made her more angry with them for causing her to lose her normally kind and respectful demeanor.
Pastor Harold leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together. Bryce couldn’t see past the liver spots that dotted his hands and face. “Your mother told us about your friend Leah and how you two are…experimenting with each other.”
Bryce’s ears flamed with humiliation.
“I’m here to let you know there’s nothing wrong with that.”
Her mother’s head whipped around to stare at him, open-mouthed.
“But you need to realize experimentation is just that. Soon you’ll understand that being with another woman isn’t what God wants for you and isn’t something you should naturally want either.”
Bryce shook with a fury she feared would erupt like lava onto everyone around her. Through the red of her vision she saw her mother visibly relax and turn her concerned gaze back onto her daughter.
Pastor Harold continued, “Now, I’d like to hear what you think about all of this, Bryce. Was it Leah who forced you into participating in lesbian acts?” His voice sounded kind and understanding, but his words sizzled like acid on her heart.
Bryce took a steadying breath before answering. “Leah is an amazing girl and everything I did was because I am attracted to her. No one forced me to do anything. I am an intelligent, strong, and rational young woman who is more than capable of understanding what my body and heart are feeling.” She couldn’t believe her response had been so calm and reasonable. She wanted to tear the room apart like a wild banshee.
“So you’re claiming you are attracted to women? All women?”
Bryce spat out the answer. “Of course not all women. Are you attracted to all women?”
“Are you attracted to men?” he countered calmly.
Bryce hesitated and thought back on the years of her life since she reached puberty. She’d had crushes on boys before that, but boys were obviously not grown men. She also remembered her thoughts at the pool today. Women, not men, had always fascinated her. “No. I’m not attracted to men. I’m gay.” It terrified her, but felt so good to say these words in front of Pastor Harold, the mystery woman Dolores, and her parents. A weight lifted off her shoulders and she couldn’t help but smile. Her mother noticed, and she looked horrified.
Silence hung in the room and Bryce could only hear old Pastor Harold’s labored breathing and the ticking of the clock above the fireplace.
Finally, Pastor Harold said, “Bryce, my colleague Mrs. Coulson,” he gestured to the woman sitting next to him, “runs a therapy program for teenagers in your situation—”
“What situation?” Bryce interrupted.
Mrs. Coulson spoke for the first time with a sickly sweet high-pitched voice, “Teens who struggle with being gay, honey.”
With eyes aflame Bryce slowly turned her head to look at this woman who had the audacity to speak to her so familiarly. “I’m not struggling with it. She is.” She pointed an accusing finger at her mother. “And please don’t call me ‘honey.’”
Mrs. Coulson nodded as if she understood. “This is the reaction I get all too often. I know you feel angry. I know you feel like God has abandoned you.”
Bryce rolled her eyes and slumped back against the couch. There was no reasoning with these people. They were so mired in their own self-righteousness, they wouldn’t accept homosexuality even if Jesus himself descended from heaven and became the grand marshal of the Gay pride parade. The misguided holy smog they had formed around themselves obscured everything.
Mrs. Coulson forged forward. “I’m here to tell you that God hasn’t abandoned you. He has only given you an obstacle to overcome in order to prove your love of Him. You have received a gift!” She clasped her hands in front of her, full of religious fervor. “You get the opportunity to really prove yourself to your Lord and Savior.”
A wave of icy cold doused the heat in her body.
“Now, there are several reasons people develop unwanted same-sex attractions—”
“Who says it’s unwanted?” asked Bryce, obstinately.
Mrs. Coulson continued as if Bryce hadn’t spoken. “You may not have bonded properly with your mother, you may be too close with your father, or—”
Enraged, Bryce shot to her feet. “What?! Okay, stranger who knows nothing about me, my mom and I have always been close,” Bryce looked to her mother, who reluctantly nodded, “and I’m just as close with my dad. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? You think girls shouldn’t be close with their fathers? If so, I pity your relationship with your own parents.”
“Bryce, sit down.” Her father put a hand on her shoulder and urged her down onto the love seat.
“I know people don’t always choose to be gay, Bryce,” Mrs. Coulson continued. “But you have to know that you can choose to change.”
“And if I don’t want to change? If I want to be true to myself?”
Pastor Harold hung his head and shook it slowly. “No one wants to be gay, dear. It just might take you a while to realize it. That’s why we’re here to help you.”
Bryce’s eyes glazed over and a buzzing sound filled her ears. For the next few minutes, although it seemed like an eternity, she only heard snippets of the conversation being directed at her. There was mention of a support group, mentors, a program, and Wednesday and Sunday nights. Eventually Bryce realized the room had gone silent and her eyes refocused to see everyone staring at her.
“What? Are we done now?”
Pastor Harold spoke first. “Yes, we’re done for tonight. The next steps are for you and your parents to take.” He stood and reached out his hand for Mrs. Coulson. She took it and stood beside him.
“Thank you for coming, Harold. It means everything to me.” Bryce’s mother’s eyes streamed tears.
“I’ll be praying for your family, Cynthia. You know where to find me if you want to talk.”
“I hope I’ll be seeing you soon, Bryce.” Mrs. Coulson smiled genuinely and turned to leave.
Bryce watched them walk out of the house and rose to escape to the refuge of her room. Maybe she would even go over to Leah’s or Jennifer’s to get out of the house.
“Bryce?” Her mother sounded defeated. It broke her heart to hear such pain in the voice that had always been so comforting to her.
Bryce sighed and turned to face her. “What, Mom? You want to make me feel more like a disgusting freak? I thought Pastor Harold and that shrew did a decent job of it already.”
Her mother cried harder and Bryce’s resolve weakened. “Honey, I just know you can beat this.”
Bryce spoke gently, but as firmly as she could. “Mom, this isn’t a disease. And the last time I checked the calendar, it’s also not the Dark Ages. You’re making me feel like I’m on the burning end of a witch hunt.”
“You know that’s not how we want you to feel, but you have to realize how hard this is for your father and me.” Her mom walked over to stand next to her dad, who put a large comforting arm around her shoulders.
“Mom, this is just something else about me. I have blue eyes, I’m an awesome swimmer, I’m not bad-looking, I’m smart, I work hard. And I’m biologically attracted to women.”
Her mom winced.
“And I’m a really good person. Just how you two raised me to be.”
This time her father spoke. “We’re not saying you’re not, Bryce. We really just want to help you.”
“Help me by supporting my decisions, by trusting me about what’s right for my life.”
Dad dismissed her words with a quick shake of his head. “The ministry Mrs. Coulson told you about is one of the best in the world for helping young people come back to Christ in the love of a heterosexual relationship.”
Bryce’s stomach churned. She thought
she might vomit on the carpet at his feet. Still, she replied calmly, “Dad, nothing is wrong with me. Try looking on the other side. There are groups that help parents accept their children. How about you guys go talk to them. You’ll realize I was born this way and if I ‘change’ I’ll just be living a lie.”
“Bryce, please be reasonable.”
“Why is this all on me? You guys could do with a bit of education on the subject too, you know. Do you want me to be unhappy?”
“Of course not, honey,” her mother said. “But we really want you to at least go to a meeting or two. Talk to Mrs. Coulson. Hear what she has to say. Will you do that for us?”
Bryce remained silent. She saw the pleading look in her parents’ eyes and knew she would do almost anything to make them happy, just as she had her whole life. She had never been the rebellious type. Following the rules had made life easier up until now. The thought of disapproval or shame from her family had always terrified her. Looking at them now made her feel like a little girl who was being grounded for doing something awful.
She huffed, “I’ll go for you guys, but don’t expect anything. And in the meantime, will you talk to some other people? By that I mean not people from your church, to get another point of view on this?”
Her mom’s lips pursed, but she nodded slightly.
“Thank you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I feel like going to my room.” What she actually felt like doing was scuttling under her bed to hide from the world until the day she could get on the plane to New London.
Chapter Twelve
Bryce’s normally well-manicured fingernails had been reduced to messy stubs. She couldn’t help but bite them when she felt nervous, and sitting in Dolores Coulson’s living room surrounded by other depressed-looking teenagers was definitely not calming. The days leading up to this Sunday night meeting had been unbearably uncomfortable at home. Despite her promise to do so, her mother had refused to seek out information from any other sources, her parents barely spoke with her at all, her mother left handwritten Bible verses on her door every morning (several from Leviticus), and Bryce spent all her time either at work or locked in her room. She hadn’t seen or spoken with any of her friends in days, and her workouts were limited to swimming at the pool after work or lifting free weights in her room.