by M. L. Rice
Sure enough, as Bryce carefully made her way down the stairs, her first sight of Daniela caused her to miss her cane placement and almost tumble down. Daniela leapt off the bench and sprang up the stairs to steady her.
“Well, that was graceful,” Bryce said as her ears flamed red.
Daniela just smiled and held on to Bryce as they descended the rest of the stairs and approached the check-in podium. Despite her embarrassment, Bryce couldn’t help but love the feel of Daniela’s strong arm around her waist.
The hostess led them to a corner table in the back of the pub where they could easily see the Seahawks game on the TV above the bar. They ordered draft beer and two orders of mac and cheese as soon as they sat down.
Bryce looked up to check the game score, but noticed Daniela watching her. “Not interested in football?”
She smiled. “I like football just fine, I am from Texas after all, but I’m more interested in you right now.”
Bryce swallowed. “You want to talk about yesterday afternoon.”
“Yep.”
“I don’t know if…” She paused. “It’s complicated.”
“Are you mad at me for setting up that meeting with Captain Jack?”
Bryce shook her head vehemently. “No. Absolutely not. That was an insanely cool thing you did for me. I really can’t thank you enough.”
“Still worrying about your mom?”
“Well, yeah.” Bryce paused. “But that’s not the only thing.”
“Okay. What then?”
Bryce stalled, but had to tell her something. “You know that I’ve been having a hard time with…my situation.”
“Yes.”
The words spewed forth. “I just can’t seem to get over what happened to me. I know it’s vain and it could have been so much worse and I’m lucky to be alive and all that shit, but Jesus, it still pisses me off. And the fact that it pisses me off pisses me off even more. I’m not used to not being in control or letting myself down or feeling weak.” Bryce leaned her forehead onto her fist. “I don’t like me anymore.”
Daniela didn’t say anything so Bryce looked up at her, abashed. “God, I’m sorry, Dani. Buzz-kill Bryce strikes again. But see? This is what I mean.” She slumped back into her seat. “I don’t know who I am now. I’m not who I used to be, that’s for damn sure, and I feel like…I feel like I’m letting you down.”
“You aren’t.”
Bryce waved her words away. “I’m a big disappointment after all those years you spent looking up to me. It just…it kills me to see how wonderful, kind, and amazing you still are and I can’t be the same for you.”
The waitress chose this inopportune time to bring their food to the table. Her chipper smile made Bryce feel even worse.
When she left Daniela was still looking deeply into Bryce’s eyes with an unreadable expression.
“I won’t blame you if you want to leave now,” Bryce said sadly.
Daniela let out a long sigh. “Bryce, you could never, ever, disappoint me. You were always there for me when I was younger. You were my idol. Right now you need to know that none of that has changed.” She leaned in closer and said her next words with perfect clarity. “Now that I’ve got you back in my life, I’ll be damned if I let you go again.”
Bryce’s chest pounded. Words that could mean so much to her might not mean the same thing to the beautiful woman across from her.
No. She wouldn’t let herself get pulled into some lovesick fantasy only to have her heart broken. She was tired of the pain.
God, she needed help.
*
She had expected the rest of lunch at the brewery to be awkward and forced, but true to form, Daniela had made her feel at ease once again and the afternoon ended on a high as they sat together and watched the Seahawks win their game. She would never in a million years know how Daniela managed to make her feel so much better just by her presence. Yes, she was smart, funny, playful, and a great conversationalist, but it was more than that. She just had a glow about her that drew Bryce in and wouldn’t let her go.
Bryce drove Daniela to the theater with the promise of taking her on the Underground Tour tomorrow and was now on her way to a coffee shop near the VA where Chaplain Davis waited for her. She had called him as soon as she’d let Daniela out at the curb, and he had immediately agreed to speak with her. She couldn’t think of anyone else she could go to for help.
She arrived, and when she entered the building Chaplain Davis stood and waved her over to a set of cushy chairs partially enclosed by a wall where they could talk in relative privacy. He wore his blue patterned navy working uniform with the sleeves rolled up despite the cold weather outside.
“Hello, sir.”
“It’s good to see you again, Lieutenant. I must admit I was a little surprised that you called. You didn’t seem like you wanted to talk much a few weeks ago at the charity ball.”
Bryce smiled halfheartedly. “I was a little nervous.”
The chaplain laughed. “Yes. I could see that. I was relieved that my ‘pretty white pants,’ as you called them, made it out unscathed.” He leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “How are you now? It looks like something is troubling you.”
Bryce’s lips trembled, but she refused to cry in front of this man who seemed to have made it a personal mission to help her.
Attempting to keep her emotions in check, she told him everything that had happened in the last three weeks. He looked incredibly pleased when she told him about her new job with DiVeR, but grew somber again when she explained about falling in love with Daniela and feeling unworthy of her. When she mentioned how her mother had been trying to get back in touch with her, he looked troubled.
Bryce’s voice shook as she said, “It’s just too much. I don’t know what to do.”
Chaplain Davis looked pensive for a moment before saying, “Let’s deal with these one at a time. First, Daniela. She sounds like a very special woman.”
“She is.”
“And you’re sure you’re in love with her?”
“Yes.”
He paused and sipped his cappuccino. “I think she deserves the truth. From what you told me, she’s gone above and beyond to welcome you back into her life and has even helped you feel better about yourself.”
Bryce thought about how she felt when she was with Daniela. “I’m torn. When I’m around her I feel whole again. Like I can do anything. Almost like the old me. But at the same time I feel like a burden, and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m just not good enough anymore. It’s like I’m at war with myself. It’s illogical and infuriating.”
“Do you actually consider this a war?”
Bryce looked at him, confused. “I don’t know. It’s just an expression.”
“I don’t think so in your case. It’s actually pretty telling.”
She cocked her head to the side. “How so?”
The chaplain raised his left hand. “On one side you have your normally indomitable spirit, your strength, and your love. On the other,” he raised his right, “the caustic relationship with your parents, your fear of being helpless, and the self-imposed shame of your condition. Love versus hate, to put it simply. You’re just currently in a tougher battle than most.”
“Which side will win?”
He smiled kindly. “That depends on you.”
Bryce sighed. “You know, I could sure use a push in the right direction.”
“Okay. How do you feel about calling your mother back?”
Bryce sat bolt upright and her eyes popped.
“I’ll take that as terrified beyond belief.” He chuckled. “What if I call her with you? Moral support?”
“Do you think it’s necessary?”
He shrugged. “I don’t think it’s right to not try to reforge that connection if she’s reaching out.”
“But, sir, she hasn’t changed.”
“What about you? Have you changed?”
Bryce motioned to herself
incredulously.
Chaplain Davis shook his head. “No. I mean, have you changed? Really think about it this time. You’ve spent the last thirty minutes telling me how different you are now. How you don’t know yourself. But all I’ve seen and heard is a passionate young woman still trying to do what’s right for herself even though her road just happened to get a lot more complicated. I’ve seen nothing but strength.”
“I wish I could be so sure.”
“You do realize that doubts, fears, and self-pity don’t make you weak? Succumbing to those things does. Fighting them, asking for help, and working through them as you’re doing now takes courage and a willpower that amazes me. I see it in many of the injured veterans I minister to and I see it in you.” He paused. “So answer me again. Have you changed?”
Bryce sat in stunned silence, her eyes filling with tears. His words had cleansed the murky waters of her mind. She felt warmth and pride. “No.”
“Who are you?”
“I’m Bryce Lee Montgomery.”
“You’re a fighter.”
“Yes.”
“You’re strong.”
“Yes.”
“You’re going to win your battles, no matter how tough they get.”
“I don’t know. But I’ll try.”
“Good.” He sat back in his chair. “Call your mother. Don’t let her belittle you. You know who you are. I’ll be with you.”
Bryce took out her phone and dialed with a shaking hand. Her mother picked up before the second ring.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Mom.”
“Bryce.” She took in an excited breath. “Thank you for calling.”
“How is Dad?”
“He’s fine. He misses you.”
“I miss him too.”
“Are you coming home?”
She paused. “No.”
Her mother’s voice sounded smaller. “Why not?”
“Why do you think?”
“Honey, we’re only trying to help you. I just don’t understand how you don’t see that.”
Bryce let out a weary sigh. “I do see that, Mom. Really I do. But you’re never going to get the daughter you want.”
“We don’t believe that. You are the daughter we’ve always wanted and loved. Why else would we go to the lengths we have to protect you? To lead you back to God? I know our methods weren’t pretty, but we didn’t know what else to do. If only you would come home we could—”
“No.” Bryce cut her off. “Let me talk now. I will come home if you can do something for me.”
“Anything.”
“I want you to admit you were wrong. I want you to tell me you love me unconditionally like parents should. I want you to say you’re sorry.” Bryce looked over to Chaplain Davis, who smiled and gave a thumbs-up.
Her mother was silent on the other end of the line, so Bryce continued, “I want you to think about everything I’ve done in my life and then I want to know if you can still think that I have shamed you, that I’ve done something truly wrong. Can you do any of these things?”
“Bryce…” Her mother’s voice cracked. “We have always been proud of you, but…this isn’t something we can forgive.”
Bryce’s stomach plummeted. “You realize what you’ve done, don’t you?”
“Honey, Pastor Harold said—”
“Mom, I don’t give a flying fuck what Pastor Harold said!”
“Bryce, how dare you? You see? This is exactly what we were afraid of. You’ve given in to the repugnant lesbian lifestyle and now you’re a foul-mouthed, unrepentant sinner. How could we ever think we could help you?” she added, almost to herself.
Bryce glowered and opened her mouth to speak.
“Do you mind?” Chaplain Davis interrupted. He held out his hand for the phone and she slapped it into his palm. She listened intently, but could only hear his side of the conversation.
“Hello, Mrs. Montgomery,” he said more gently than Bryce would ever have managed to. “This is Chaplain Davis of the U.S. Navy here in Seattle. Bryce has explained the situation between you two, and I wanted to let you know that Bryce is one of the most capable, goodhearted, and significant people I’ve ever met. It is my professional opinion that you seek guidance from someone other than your current pastor. I fear that he isn’t giving you the best or the kindest advice in regard to your daughter’s life.”
A pause. Bryce could hear her mother’s angry voice on the other end, but couldn’t make out her words.
“I’m not going to debate with you, Mrs. Montgomery. Just know that the information is out there for you to discover for yourself. I highly recommend that you do so because if you don’t, you have lost your daughter forever. She doesn’t deserve the abuse you and your husband have imposed on her.”
More anger carried across the line.
Bryce watched Chaplain Davis shake his head sadly and hold up his hand. “Thank you for your time and God bless,” he said through the torrent.
He held the phone back to Bryce, who was beaming at him. “I ended the call. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Not a bit.”
“She makes me sad,” the chaplain said, frowning.
“Why?” Bryce asked, surprised.
“It’s obvious she won’t listen to anyone else. You can tell she loves you, but those horrible people have just led her down such a judgmental path.” He paused. “Please know that’s not the way of our Lord. It makes me sad to see people like her victimized by that kind of bigotry.”
Bryce took a moment to let that sink in. Her parents were victims, just like she was. It was a vicious cycle that led to nothing but pain and heartache. Bryce stood to leave, her cane firmly grasped in her hand. “Chaplain?”
He stood too. “Yes?”
“I have no words to thank you enough for what you’ve done for me.”
He smiled broadly. “Words aren’t necessary. Actions are. Are you going to tell Daniela the truth?”
“I’m still afraid.”
“Tell her that too.”
Bryce shrugged. “I’ll try. It’s hard to admit your shortcomings and fears to someone you’re madly in love with, you know?”
“I know.” He clapped her on the shoulder. “But you just showed me how strong you can be. Use that strength to just get it all out there. She deserves it.”
“Yes, sir.” She saluted him as a sign of respect, and after saluting her back, he took her hand and shook it firmly.
“I’m here whenever you need me, Bryce.”
“Thank you.” She smiled again, left the coffee shop, and went back to her apartment. She had a lot to think about.
Chapter Twenty-one
It turned out that Bryce had more trouble than she had anticipated on the Underground Tour because of the stairs and uneven flooring, but she got through it and was glad she had finally decided to make good on her promise. Daniela had been entranced as the tour guide told the group about Seattle’s colorful, resourceful, determined, and amusing history. It turned out Daniela was a history buff, and seeing the original floor levels of businesses buried under the current walkways of the city intrigued her. At the end of the tour she bought one book about the history of the Seattle underground and another about the seedier aspects of Seattle’s old red light district.
“I have one more place to show you over here,” Bryce said as they left the tour building. “You still have time, right?”
Daniela looked at her watch. “Yeah, I have two hours before I need to be at the theater.”
“Excellent.” Bryce headed toward the end of the block and jumped slightly when Daniela slipped her hand into the crook of her elbow. She pressed herself closer as they walked, and adrenaline exploded through Bryce’s body. The air was chilly, but Bryce didn’t think it was cold enough for her to be snuggling in solely for warmth. She had longed to get physically close with her, and this friendly gesture only increased the craving. She concentrated on walking in a straight line.
They
turned the corner and Bryce’s voice cracked as she said, “This is it.”
Daniela looked from Bryce’s face to the storefront where they had stopped. “Seattle Mystery Bookshop?”
“Yeah. It’s kind of a book lover’s paradise. It’s pretty famous for being an awesome independent bookstore. I thought you might like it. I saw all of the old paperbacks in your dressing room. Thought you might need some new reading material for your downtime…other than books about local prostitution,” she said, gesturing to the new books in Daniela’s bag.
Daniela surprised Bryce by standing on her tiptoes and kissing her cheek. “You’re brilliant, you know that?”
Bryce gently touched the spot on her cheek where Daniela’s lips had just made contact. “Why?”
“You’re observant, for one. I’ve read through the books I brought with me on tour about ten times each. I definitely need new ones. Let’s go see what they have.” She turned and walked into the store, Bryce trailing on a cloud of stupefied bliss at her heels.
By the time Daniela had finished perusing the store’s ample collection a full hour later, she had a bag of no less than fifteen new books.
“Think that will last you?” Bryce said sarcastically.
“Hmm. I don’t know.” She put her hand on her chin as she considered it. “Before I came to Seattle and started hanging out with you, I finished a book every two days.”
Bryce’s smile fell. “Damn. Sorry.”
“No, that’s okay. I still have my computer and some ebooks, and I won’t have time to read my last week here anyway. That is, if you can still stand my company,” Daniela teased.
Bryce sighed. It was time.
“Will you come sit with me?” Bryce motioned to a bench in front of the Pioneer Building.
“Oh! Your leg. You’ve been on it all day. Of course we can sit down.”
That wasn’t it. Sure, she had been fighting the pain in her leg as the day wore on, but she barely noticed it compared to the emotional turmoil that disquieted her. Still, she couldn’t help the groan of relief that escaped her throat when her left leg bent as she sat down.