Let Love In

by Melissa Collins

  “Of course I was on the pill. You saw me take them every morning, Reid. The doctor mentioned something about needing a backup form of birth control for the first month.”

  “Why didn’t we, then? Why didn’t you tell me about that? Shit!” He runs both hands through his hair and pulls on the ends in frustration.

  “Don’t you think I would have told you, if I would have known? The doctor at the clinic forgot to mention that little gem, so now here we are.”

  I’m hurt, and I won’t hide it. Does he think I lied to him? He doesn’t want this; I knew he wouldn’t. I know it’s stupid, but all of the crap with his mother and my current feelings of anger aside, there’s a huge part of me that was hoping he would smile and kiss me and be elated.

  Being happy after hearing that your girlfriend of less than three months is pregnant is not an equation that adds up for a twenty-one-year-old college graduate. He slumps down into the chair, and he looks utterly defeated — shoulders sagging, head held in his hands.

  Shaking his head as it’s cradled in his hands, he says, “What the fuck are we going to do? I fucking start my internship in a few weeks, and it already took an act of God to get them to postpone it because of the accident.”

  He might as well have slapped me.

  Actually, I might have enjoyed a smack about the face more than I did his words.

  “So this is my fault, then? I got knocked up because I didn’t follow instructions that I was never given, and then I went ahead and got myself into a car accident with the sole purpose of screwing up your plans.” I roll my eyes skyward, and seething anger takes over. “And you had absolutely nothing to do with any of this? Did it ever occur to you that I wouldn’t even be in this freaking hospital if it wasn’t for you? You want to blame someone — blame yourself and your stubborn ass.”

  I no longer care about the pain radiating through my body as I storm out of the bed and start packing my things up. Shoving things into my little suitcase with one hand is difficult, but I refuse to let him help. I refuse to soften to him.

  Reid steps between me and my suitcase. He’s towering over me, glaring me in the eyes. “And tell me how on earth this is all my fault?”

  I’ve never been afraid of his physical size, and, even though he’s threateningly crowding my space, I won’t start now. He may be pissed, but I know he’s not going to hurt me — physically, anyway. His words, however, are certainly going to rip my heart to shreds.

  “I said, tell me how this is my fucking fault.” His voice snarls in anger, and I flinch.

  I look up into his eyes, which are no longer a peaceful and calming blue. There is a storm raging there, and I am about to unleash its fury.

  “How? Well, it’s simple, really.” My tone is like that of an adult trying to calmly and patiently explain a simple task to a child; that is what I’m doing, after all.

  “I did not have sex with myself. If you recall, I’ve only ever had sex with you. So while I’m not completely free of blame, I did not do this,” I point to my flat stomach for emphasis, “all by myself.”

  He may have half a foot of height and nearly one hundred pounds of weight more than me, but I refuse to back down, so I move in to his physical space for this next part.

  “And I’m in this place and screwing up your precious internship because you refuse to do the right thing and call your fucking dying mother!” I don’t scream; I don’t yell. My quiet, calm, even tone conveys my fury well enough.

  I turn away from him and go into the small bathroom to collect a few things. When I come back out into the room, he is practically vibrating in anger.

  “So we’re going to come back to this again? When are you going to stop throwing my fucking past in my face? She hasn’t meant anything to me for the last five years. That’s it — it’s over. So get off your fucking high horse and deal with it. Why is it such a big deal to you, anyway?”

  “Why is it important to me? Are you really that thick-skulled that you don’t see it?”

  “Maybe I am just that dumb, Maddy. So please do me the favor and enlighten me, please.” His voice is dripping in sarcasm, and in this moment I recall every reason I ever had to stay away from Reid in the first place.

  “Because my mom is dead, and I’ll never get to tell her I love her again. I never had a chance to make my peace with her, to say goodbye. You do, and you’re being an asshole for not taking advantage of it.” I choke down my tears but somehow find the strength to continue. “And because I’m going to be a mom. There’s a person growing inside me who, yeah, okay, I definitely didn’t plan, but I can’t change that. I can’t change the fact that I will love this child with everything that I am, and I don’t think I can be with someone who doesn’t share those same feelings. What happens when you have enough of me and our baby? Will you just walk away like you’re doing to your mom?”

  “That’s low, Maddy. You know what she did to me, to Shane. You know everything about me, and you’re going to throw it in my face like this. You know I love you and that I could never turn my back on you.”

  While I can see the truth in what he’s just said, he left out the most important piece of information.

  Our baby.

  He’s walking toward me with his arms outstretched. I put my arms up in front of me, to protect, to defend, because I know that if he wraps his strong arms around me I’ll give in; I’ll surrender to his love for me, but I can’t act with only my needs in mind.

  “No, Reid. Do not touch me. Please just get out. I want to finish getting packed up so I can leave.”

  His face sinks, and he looks as if I’ve physically attacked him.

  “Are you leaving me? Is this it? Are you saying that we’re over?” There’s disbelief and pain in his words. Anguish settles in over his beautiful face, and I want to make it go away. I want to curl up in his arms and let the world fade away so that it’s just the two of us in our own little bubble, but I can’t. It’s not just the two of us any longer. I can’t be with him and trust him to be with me until I know he is fully capable of loving me and our child the way we deserve to be loved.

  Tears are burning in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. I will be strong for me and for our baby. This baby deserves a family that loves him unconditionally, and I can now see that Reid is not capable of unconditional love. He needs time to work out his past, because no matter how much he thinks he’s over it, he’s not.

  The thought of going on without Reid is just unbearable, but I have to. I have to do this for me, for my baby — to protect us.

  With walls firmly in place, I ready myself for the inevitable broken heart.

  “Yes, Reid. I…I can’t stay with you. This baby deserves love — ” he opens his mouth to say something, to tell me he does love the baby and that he loves me, but I know he’ll say anything at this point to keep me from saying the rest, “ — I deserve love, and until you realize that you deserve love, that you are not to blame for Shane dying, and that your mother deserves love, too, I know I can’t be with you.”

  Eyes wide and sincere, his heart bleeds open in front of me. He looks like a lost little boy — and that’s essentially what he is.

  “But I can’t be without you. You can push me away all you want, but I will fight for us. I will fight until my last breath to show you just how much I love you, how much I will always love you.”

  Our eyes are locked, and he’s furiously searching mine for some clue that I’m balking here, that I don’t mean what I’m saying. He’s pleading with me to take back my words, but the Reid I know is fully aware of their truth.

  The knock on the door startles us from our hell. Momma peeks around the corner.

  “Guess who’s all cleared to go home?” Her cheery sing-song voice is a stark contrast to the icy atmosphere. Lost in the happiness that’s consuming her with me being well enough to finally leave, she doesn’t even notice what’s going on.

  She stands next to me and pulls me to her side. I rest my head on he
r shoulder and try to refrain from crying and sobbing in pain at my broken heart.

  “I just saw Dr. McNamara in the hall, and she gave me these.” She waves a few papers in front of me, indicating that I’m all set to leave.

  I turn away from Reid because I just can’t bear to see what I imagine is my pain reflected in his eyes. I reach down for the handle on my suitcase and, with my good hand, click the button to extend the handle.

  Momma wraps her arm around my shoulder and starts walking toward the door. She’s starting to figure out that something’s not right. “Smile, Maddy. You’re going home. You’ve got me, Mel, and Reid to take care of you. Everything is going to be just fine. Well, just fine as soon as we make this five-hour car trip.”

  I only wish that last part were true. I would give anything at this point to know in my heart that Reid will be there to take care of me and our baby.

  As Momma and I walk toward the door, Reid lingers behind us in the room. Momma stares at him blankly. “Aren’t you coming home with us, Reid?”

  He regains his composure and swallows his pain. “Yeah, of course, Momma. I just need to head back to the hotel and get Cammie and Jack. I’ve got his car. Actually, why don’t I drive back with them, and that’ll give Maddy enough room to stretch out in the back seat for the long drive. I’ll meet up with you guys later.”

  He walks toward me slowly, and I’m savoring every last second I have with him. I want to memorize the rough stubble that’s grown on his hard, chiseled jaw, his deep ocean-blue eyes that are swirling in anguish at the moment, his soft, full lips, his rich brown hair that feels like silk between my fingertips.

  He stops directly in front of me and cradles my cheeks in his large palms. He gently strokes the pads of his thumbs under my eyes, where tears are streaming down. Leaning into my ear, he whispers, “Goodbye for now, sweet Maddy. I love you. I’ll always love you, no matter what, and I will prove it to you.” His lips softly graze my cheek, and then he’s gone. He’s walking past me - out of the door and out of my life.

  As Momma and I enter the hallway, I can see Reid all the way at the end. His dark silhouette is illuminated by the bright sun shining through the sliding glass doors.

  I can’t help but think how fitting an image it is.

  Reid, the love of my life, has always been the darkness in search of the light.

  I hope for his sake, for my sake, and for the sake of our baby that he can finally find it.

  The End

  Acknowledgments

  When I started writing Let Love In, I did so mainly because I had a story to tell. I realized somewhat quickly that it was a story worth sharing. So I sent it out to a few of my friends and family who enjoy reading. Encouraged by their overwhelming response, I knew I had to self-publish the novel and get it out there for more people to read. It has been a crazy journey to get to this point, but I have really loved every minute of it.

  I have to say thank you to all of those people who read my work before it was released. Your encouragement, suggestions, and support were all a huge help in keeping me motivated. Lori L., Lisa L., Mollie M., Nicole L., and Kristy B., thank you so much for being there for me in the early release stages. You are all awesome, and I can’t possibly begin to express how your reviews kept me going.

  Being an independent author/self-publisher is very lonely at times. There’s so much information to wade through, so I owe a great deal of gratitude to my editor, Joy at Indie Author Services; my cover designer and fellow indie author, H.B. Heizner; and all of the amazing bloggers out there who helped me along the way.

  For months, the house went uncleaned, rugs unvacuumed, dishes unwashed. Needless to say, my family never complained. Boys, I love you more than the sky, and I hope that one day you can find your true passion and embrace it. I know I might have been in front of the computer more than you would have liked, and that it will be years before you can ever read this, but I just want to say thank you for being the best kids I could ever ask for.

  To my husband — I don’t even know where to begin. You’ve always been my biggest cheerleader, oftentimes having more faith in my abilities than I had in myself. There’s no way for me to sum up in a few lines how I feel about you. Just know that I love you and that you will always be “my lobster.”

  Last, but certainly not least, I owe so much to you — the reader. Thank you for reading Maddy and Reid’s story, and for your continued support. I hope you enjoyed Let Love In and that you’re looking forward to Let Love Stay, the second book in the Love Series.

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