by Dyan Sheldon
Sigmund was waiting for me like a lion waiting for an antelope when I got home tonight. He wanted to know why I told the MC he gave me money. I said I didn’t. I said she must have misunderstood me. So then he wanted to know what I DID say. I said I’d told her I’d borrowed it and she must’ve thought I meant from him. He said that wasn’t the way the MC told the story. I said well, you know what she’s like: she never really listens, does she.
THURSDAY 26 JULY
I can’t see Saduki making it to old age, not with his temper. His blood pressure must be higher than the Post Office Tower. I had ONE FOOT through the door today when he started. In case I hadn’t noticed, he’s running a restaurant not a social club and unless my friends are planning to order a meal they’re NOT TO COME ROUND. I said my friends valued their health too much to eat at Durango. It didn’t stop there of course. I was tempted to quit on the spot, but then I wouldn’t see Ethan again unless I came in as a customer and THERE’S NO WAY I’d ever do that.
FRIDAY 27 JULY
This truly is THE SUMMER OF MY DISCONTENT!!! You’re NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS (I can hardly believe it myself)! I said I’d work today because it’s pay day. And guess what? The Dorito Bandito (which I feel is an appropriate name since he doesn’t come from Mexico any more than Dorito tortilla chips do!!!) not only deducted the cost of the tray of DIRTY DISHES I dropped but charged me for his stupid tie AS WELL!!! (Sappho’s always banging on about The Working Poor, and now I know what she means!) I asked him when he was going to give me some night or weekend shifts so at least I could make some MEANINGFUL tips. He said when I stopped mixing up orders and trying to drown the customers. And if you think I got any sympathy for all this from the MC when I got home, you probably believe in Father Christmas. She said WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD, JANET. She reminded me that I still owe her for the first shirt, black trousers and those torturous shoes. Fortunately she was getting ready to go out. Women the MC’s age need at least two hours to prepare for public appearances, so by the time she surfaced from that, she’d forgotten about the dosh, and God knows the sight of her TOTALLY shoved it out of my mind. Not only was she wearing MAKE-UP (she’d better not have used MINE!), she was wearing ORANGE combats and a white shirt covered with dragons. She looked like she’d been tattooed! I asked her if she was going to a fancy-dress party and she said as a matter of fact she had a DATE! I said who with? The strongman from the circus? She said with the same guy she went out with last week and the week before. Apparently she’s met some bloke at her yoga class. I said I hoped he was colour-blind, since her trousers clashed with her hair. She said fashion is fascism. I said tell that to Naomi Campbell.
Talked to D on the mobe till gone midnight and still no sign of the Mad Cow. And she’s always on at ME about being RESPONSIBLE. You’d think she’d ring to say if she’s going to be back REALLY LATE. I know there isn’t much chance of it in that outfit, but what if I was worried that she’d been hit by a bus? She has NO CONSIDERATION for anyone else. [Note to self: If I ever do have children, I will always give them the time and understanding they need and put them first like you’re meant to.]
SATURDAY 28 JULY
No sign of the MC when I got up this morning. For a change it wasn’t raining, so Disha and I went to the park. Just because we’re stuck in the concrete city doesn’t mean we have to be the ONLY people in the world not to have a tan. We brought beach hats and sunglasses and flip-flops so we could pretend we were on the white sands of the Mediterranean. D and I discussed LIFE and things like that for a while (D said that even though he HUGGED me maybe Ethan was just shy about asking me out – after all, hugging’s a natural, accepted thing and even the Queen hugs people now and then). Then we plugged ourselves into our Discmen and gave ourselves over to the worship of the Sun, Giver of Life. I was sort of dozing off a bit, imagining I was on a deserted beach with a certain Australian, when something touched my foot. I reckoned it was a dog. I’m wary of dogs since the time one came over all cute and friendly and then attached itself TO MY LEG and got all excited. (It was très EMBARRASSING.) I sat up to chase the dog away and NEARLY PASSED OUT with joyous surprise! It wasn’t an oversexed spaniel; it was one of those little dogs that look like gremlins – and with it was ETHAN!!! Apparently the dog belongs to his landlady and he helps her out by taking it for walks (didn’t I say he was a GENTLEMAN?). He said I was looking a little pink, but I assured him that I don’t burn. I asked if he remembered Disha and he said how could he forget her? (CHARMING or what?) D and I watched the dog (whose name is Fifi even though she’s definitely not a poodle) while Ethan went off and got us all ice creams (which is not the sort of thing you really want to be eating when you want to look your best, because it drips, but I couldn’t say no!). He hung out with us for AT LEAST AN HOUR! It was TOTALLY INCREDIBLE. I can’t even remember what we talked about, I was so Hypnotized by Love (though there could’ve been a bit of lust involved as well since he is SO GORGEOUS!!!). He only left because he had to go to work. As soon as he left, Disha started nagging me again to ask him out before someone else gets her hooks into him. I said I’m working on it.
The MC said I should put something on my face because it looked a bit pink. I reminded her that I don’t burn. Asked her what time she got in last night and she laughed and said THIS MORNING!!! I said I took it that meant she’d had a good time. She said they had a lot to talk about (we all know what THAT means!). I said I just hope she practises SAFE SEX. She said where would I be if she did?
SUNDAY 29 JULY
Woke up to discover that my face looks as though it’s been GRILLED. Fortunately it only hurts when I smile (which isn’t something I do too much round here!). Went straight over to the Dippy Hippy’s to see if she had any magic potions for sunburn. I said it has to be something that works really FAST because I’ve got to go back to Hell’s Kitchen tomorrow. Willow said she can’t guarantee anything – she’s a herbalist not a miracle-worker (oh, really?) – but she gave me something so it won’t blister. Thank God it’s pissing down so I don’t feel tempted to go to the park in case Ethan’s walking the mutt again.
Marcus and David asked me and Disha to go to a film with them. Since it meant sitting in the dark most of the time, it didn’t matter that my nose makes me look like Father Christmas is going to ask me to lead his sleigh, so I said yes. (I wore sunglasses so everyone would assume I’d just got back from some incredible holiday.) The film was OK (they picked it, which is never an indication of Intellectual Content). Some of us talked about our jobs. David hates his as much as I hate mine. He says I’m wrong about riding a scooter being fun. Apparently it’s all whingeing customers and dicing with death (yesterday some crazed motorcycle courier with some sort of vendetta deliberately ran him up on the pavement!). David said almost every adult he can think of hates their job. [Note to self: Our lives are but a drop in the ocean of time and yet we spend them delivering cold rice and waiting on people who don’t leave tips!] David says his uncle used to get really happy when Friday came round but now it just depresses him because it’s so close to Monday. [Another note to self: This may be the destiny of most people, but it’s not going to be mine!] Had everyone HYSTERICAL with my True Stories of Being a Waitress. (Flynn says I should write a book! I may discuss this idea with Ms Staples – the school magazine could do with a little humour, since it tends to be dominated by the whining poetry of Catriona Hendley.) The MC was out, as per usual, so Disha came back to mine and stayed the night. D said that even though we always have a good time with Marcus and David, after a conversation with Ethan, talking to those two is a bit of a comedown. She said it’s like having a gourmet meal one night and a Pot Noodle the next. I agreed with her, even though I couldn’t remember what it was we’d talked about with Ethan (but it was obviously GOOD!).
Spent most of the day mucking about with the MC’s new collection of make-up, looking for something to make my face look less bright. At least the pain’s going.
TUESDAY 31 JULY
&nbs
p; Another day that was dreamed up by Satan when he was in a REALLY BAD mood. First of all, EVERYONE noticed the sunburn. Saduki muttered something about mad dogs and Englishmen, and Sky said I looked a bit like a racoon – only red. Then I had an argument with Gonzo because he said I had the writing of someone who was educationally challenged (he should know!). Then I had an argument with Saduki because he said I was over-filling the salsa bowls (they’re not even BOWLS – they’re thimbles!). THEN I leaned over to reach for something and my brand-new shirt ripped down the arm (and it cost nearly twenty quid!). ALSO, I didn’t even have a nanosecond alone with Ethan today because Sky was stuffed into the Cupboard with us the whole time.
The MC got on the phone after supper and never got off, so I went to my room and rang D on Geek Boy’s mobe. D says it might be the bleach that made my shirt tear like that. I said how can something everybody uses all the time be so destructive? D said lots of things are. She said maybe I should go easy on the bleach. But HOW CAN I? I’ll be buying a new white shirt every other day at this rate. The MC was still nattering away when I came out for a soothing cup of bedtime tea. God knows who she was talking to: the only ones who talk that much are Nan and Sappho (I know it wasn’t Nan because neither arthritis nor Jesus was mentioned, and it wasn’t Sappho because neither vomit nor pain came up in the conversation).
WEDNESDAY 1 AUGUST
Ethan said he had something he wanted to ask me. But before he could ask it, Miss Bazooms barged in and THAT ENDED THAT. D agrees with me that that’s practically the same as asking me out. Now I just have to survive the long and lonely night and hope he manages to ask me tomorrow. The rain and my Longing for Love made me feel thoughtful and melancholy tonight. Decided to start writing some poetry. I reckon poems may be more my thing than stories since you don’t have to worry about plot or motivation or continuity or any of that crap. And, also, they’re much more open to Inspiration, which it seems to me is what Art and Literature are about. If I wanted to slog my brains out at something that I never got right, I’d be a mathematician. So far I’ve only got the first line: How brief is youth and, oh, how filled with pain. I’m not TOTALLY sure what it’s about yet, but it was inspired by my feet (which will probably never heal).
THURSDAY 2 AUGUST
Still haven’t had a chance to hear what Ethan wants to ask me (OH, WHAT COULD IT BE?!!), so I said all casual like that we should go for a coffee sometime when we’re not working, so we can actually finish a conversation. He positively jumped at the chance! He said what about tomorrow? He said we could meet at that place by the canal after I get off work. I said I did have plans for the evening but I could probably squeeze in a quick cup before. (This isn’t true, of course, but I don’t want him to think I’m not popular.) I’ve decided to act really surprised when he asks me out – like it never entered my head that he might be interested in ME. Then I’ll hesitate and say maybe it isn’t such a great idea and how there are always articles in magazines about not mixing romance and work. Then I’ll let him persuade me that I’m wrong. I plan to wait at least a week before I tell him how terrific I think he is (but I will kiss him on the first date – I don’t want to play too hard to get).
FRIDAY 3 AUGUST
I’m beginning to think that the ONE thing you can count on in Life is that nothing is EVER going to go the way you want it to. Really. Maybe I should just quit while I’m ahead and become a nun or something. I mean, being a nun isn’t really that bad, is it? You get a place to stay and food and a bunch of other nuns to do good deeds with, etc., and you know you’re never going to experience heartbreak and despair (nuns are married to Jesus, and Nan says He never lets anybody down). Ethan was already at the café when I got there. I acted like I hadn’t seen him at first, even though he stood out like a Jaguar in a car park full of Fords. (He looked INCREDIBLE! Every female in the place was looking at him, even the ones with lads.) We ordered cappuccinos and chatted about this and that. When I couldn’t stand the suspense any more, I said, “So what did you want to ask me?” About the only thing that went according to my fantasies from that point on was that I acted surprised. I WAS SURPRISED. It isn’t ME he wants to go out with – it’s DISHA. I couldn’t believe it! My best friend? Is he thick or something? Couldn’t he tell I fancied him? He wanted to know if she had a boyfriend and also if I’d ask her if it was all right to ring her. I could’ve said she did have a boyfriend (someone INSANELY jealous with a black belt in karate), but I decided that was v immature. Also – even though I find it GALLING that he’s sometimes right – Sigmund says that most people are honest only because they’re afraid of getting caught, and I was worried Ethan might find out the truth (the way my luck’s going, it’s practically INEVITABLE). Also, Disha Paski, as you know, is the most loyal friend a girl could have, so I know she’ll turn him down flat (which he certainly deserves). I said I’d ask her. Ethan said I was a real mate (but not the sort I’d had in mind!). The MC was glued to the telephone from the minute she got home, so, sadly, asking D if Ethan can call her will have to wait until tomorrow (I don’t see why I should pay to ask her). Decided to take a candlelit bath to cheer myself up. Stayed in the bath so long I was TOTALLY shrivelled. So now I know what I’m going to look like when I’m an old lady. I just hope I get a boyfriend before then, since I’m obviously not going to after!
SATURDAY 4 AUGUST
Hung out with Disha, Flynn and Marcus today. Flynn’s just got his licence (he lost a year of school when he was in primary, so he’s older than us), so we went for a drive in the country. It started pissing down while we were still stuck in traffic. We got as far as near Oxford and then we left the motorway to find a quaint country teashop (the lads had been without food for two whole hours and were starving, of course). The English countryside looks pretty attractive in pictures and old films, but let me tell you it’s different when it’s right in your face. Even if we’d had any visibility in the rain, it wouldn’t’ve mattered, because you never knew what was round the next bend (another car, a dog, a cow…). After we nearly hit the cow (and it wasn’t just me and Disha who screamed), Flynn started going so slow we might as well have walked. We passed quite a few churches (though it could have been just one church, since we seemed to be going in circles) but no quaint country teashops. Disha said it’s because the English village is almost dead. Most of them don’t even have a post office any more. I said did the Prime Minister know about this, and she said that preserving the countryside wasn’t a priority of his. In the end we went back on the motorway and stopped at a service station for tea (which isn’t something I’d recommend to tourists, since they’d think they’d never left the airport). Came home.
Flynn says I should get my licence – I’m going to be seventeen on 27 October after all. Flynn says that with all the money I must be earning I could get myself a car to run round in. I said with what I’m making I could hardly afford a bicycle. But it’s not a bad idea (driving, not another bloody bicycle).
Couldn’t say anything to D about Ethan when we were with the lads, of course, and by the time we got home it’d gone out of my head completely. Tomorrow is another day (which can be either good news or bad news, can’t it?).
Asked the MC if I could have driving lessons for my birthday. She said did I realize that in order to DRIVE AND SURVIVE you had to be able to do more than one thing at a time and occasionally stop talking so you can concentrate? I said I’d never known it to stop her talking. Then she wanted to know if I had any idea how much lessons cost. I said no. She said well, when I paid for them I’d find out. I don’t see why I should PAY some stranger to teach me to drive when there are two qualified drivers related to me by blood. The MC is obviously out of the question (not only is she way too highly strung but we can barely cross the road together without an argument!), so I rang Sigmund to ask him to teach me. Once again demonstrating the caring and understanding nature of the professional psychotherapist, Sigmund said NO. He said he was still recovering from teaching the MC.
<
br /> SUNDAY 5 AUGUST
There seems to be no end to the surprises Life has in store for me (I just wish one or two of them were GOOD!). Sappho and Mags were coming over for Sunday lunch, and since a real meal (even a vegan one with all the interesting stuff taken out) is something of an event in this house these days, I said I’d be here. Had a WELL-DESERVED lie-in and then talked to Disha for a while on the mobe. (Forgot about Ethan again.) By the time I got off the phone I could hear activity in the kitchen, so I went out to say hello. Mags and Sappho were at the table as expected. But there was a bloke with an apron wrapped around him, stirring something on the cooker – which wasn’t expected. (He looked like an old folk singer – beard, wire-rimmed glasses, an earring and one of those ethnic caps that are popular in the Himalayas and places like that.) I didn’t think anything of it because, even though they’re lesbians, Sappho and Mags know a lot of men, and I assumed they brought him along because he was hungry. (Though I did think someone could’ve WARNED ME! What if I’d come out in my underwear?!!) As soon as the MC saw me, she started shrieking, “Here’s Janet!” like she was a talk-show host and I was the guest. She grabbed hold of the Pot-Stirrer and dragged him away from the cooker. “Janet, this is Robert Hotspur!” I said, “Hi.” Sappho laughed and said, “You have no idea who Robert is, do you, Janet?” I said, “How could I? I only just walked into the room!” The MC did her Bridge-About-to-Collapse sigh and said that Robert is the bloke she’s been dating! (To him she said, “What’d I tell you about our Janet? She’s not in this world.” Which I felt was v cheeky!) I maintained my cool and said that (as per usual) no one had told me he was coming. Robert said he and Josh (!!!) felt it was time he got acquainted with everyone (except Nan and Sigmund, of course!). Robert said he’d been looking forward to meeting me. I said and vice versa, even though that isn’t strictly true since I didn’t really know he existed. He said he’d heard a lot about me. I said I hoped it was all good and he said SOME of it was. Apparently Robert’s a solicitor, but not the sort who makes TONS OF DOSH (which is the sort of bloke we could do with in this house, if you ask me!). Robert works for one of those groups that are always trying to save the planet and all the oppressed people who live on it (Greenpeace or Friends of the Earth – something like that). This made lunch a très jolly affair since Robert spent most of it banging on about human rights abuses round the world. Sappho (our very own Rebel Queen) couldn’t’ve been more delighted if she’d just found out she was having twins. The MC and Mags were pretty mesmerized too, but I found it très boring for something so incredibly depressing. And I was right about the folk singer bit. After lunch he brought out his guitar! I couldn’t believe it! He sat there in OUR KITCHEN playing and singing some très depressing song about a dead hobo. I was still recovering from that when he went on to depressing Bob Dylan songs. (Disha’s right about being older but no wiser. The MC has obviously learned NOTHING from her mistakes!) When the rest of them started SINGING ALONG (!!!) I said I was really heartbroken to break up the party but Disha was expecting me. Walked right into a bicycle in the hall on my way out. It was plastered with stickers (SAVE THE RAINFOREST … SAVE THE WHALE … SAVE ANYTHING YOU CAN GET YOUR HANDS ON, etc.) so I assume Robert has something against cars and public transport as well as most governments on the planet.