“Hey, I’m not drunk. You’re drunk. I’m just very, very relaxed. Champagne always makes me tipsy, and just because I slur a couple of words doesn’t mean I’m drunk. You have to be the one that tried to kill Wendy and Joanne. I’ve ruled out all my other suspects. But I can’t figure out why you would want to kill a pilot, construction worker, NASCAR driver and a Starbucks burrito . . . I mean barista. That makes no sense. Please enlighten me. The way you look in that little black dress, I would very much like to believe you are innocent. No one that looks that good should ever be arrested.” Again he mumbled to himself, “Pull it together, Jason. She’s right. You are a little tipsy. Solve the crime, and remember your wife . . . Chelshea. Yes, Chelshea. Her name is Chelshea.”
When he had called Tanya, she’d suspected that he was onto her. She had gone along with his plan to meet in a hotel room, but not for a hook-up; she planned to get rid of the pesky PI before he figured it all out and she ended up in jail.
“I have no reason to harm Wendy or Joanne, and I don’t know any pilots, construction workers, or . . . what did you say? NASCAR drivers? Don’t be absurd. Are you on drugs?” She was not about to admit to anything; this wasn’t the brightest man she had ever met—an idiot, really. He was obviously a little drunk, and she thought there was hope as long as he continued to talk directly to her cleavage. She might get out of this yet.
She sounded convincing, and she could hold her liquor better than Jason. He mumbled, “I wonder if I made a mishtake . . . mistake. She met me in the hotel room and let me tie her up. Maybe I’m wrong about her. Maybe she was just looking for a good time. I certainly hope so.”
She heard his mumbling, and her confidence grew. She said, “Yes, you have made a mistake. I just want to have sex with you. I’m all about the sex.”
“What? Oh shit! Did I say that out loud again? I’ve got to stop thinking out loud . . . Are you sure you don’t know any pilots, construction workers, or NASCAR drivers? Someone has been killing them in North Carolina, their symptoms were similar to Wendy and Joanne, and you are my only remaining suspect.”
“I don’t know any such people. And I must say, I’m disappointed as hell. I was looking forward to a wild afternoon, and all you really wanted was to ask me stupid questions about some case you’re working on and take me to McDonald’s.” She sounded indignant. “Now untie me. I want to get out of here if you’re just going to talk me to death.”
Jason began to feel bad. She was very convincing, he wanted her to be innocent, and the champagne and dress were making it hard for him to think straight, at least harder than normal. He had a sudden change of heart.
“Okay, Tanya. I’m sorry. I guess I’m a worse detective than I thought. I believe you. I don’t suppose we could just forget that I tied you up and questioned you, and go back to the kinky sex thing. You look incredible in that little black dress.” He tried to release her, but he had difficulty untying the knot he had so expertly tied before finishing the last bottle of champagne.
In his mind, he heard a little voice. Jason, you’re an idiot. You know you can’t have sex with her. Chelsea will kill you to death, completely to death. And you’ve blown it with Tanya anyway. And what about the blue powder? Oh, crap, the blue powder. She was trying to kill you. That could get in the way of having sex with her. He had another change of heart and stopped his hopeless attempt at untying her.
“This is definitely not my finest hour, and I don’t have a lot of experience at this private-detective thing. When I went over the case, I eliminated everyone as a suspect but you.” He was a little dizzy, but he had always metabolized alcohol quickly, had made sure that Tanya drank most of the bubbly, and he could already feel the effects wearing off.
“I needed to interrogate you again, and this was my plan, my plan B. Obviously not a good plan, but a plan. I thought if I got us both drunk, I might get you to confess. But you look so good in that damned dress, you smell so good, and I can’t stop having kinky sex thoughts. And you hold your alcohol even better than I do, and I’m big. My plan isn’t working. I need help. Do you have any suggestions as to how I might get you to confess? I’d ask someone else, but you’re the only other person here.”
Tanya started to struggle against her bonds. She was getting impatient for the Pleasuria to take its effect on him, and he was babbling like an idiot, but apparently not from the drug. Enough time had passed that he should be freaking out any minute with wild sexual hallucinations.
Frustrated and certain that she would be in control soon, she said, “Jason, you need to untie me. Are you feeling anything, starting to feel strange? I slipped a drug into your champagne while you were looking in the closet. Soon, you should start having wild sexual hallucinations, and I’ll be forced to protect myself by shooting you with the .380 Beretta that I have stashed in my purse. I’ll tell the police that you insisted on meeting here in the hotel, under the pretense of asking me questions about other suspects in the CureStuff Pharmaceuticals case. Then, you attacked me, and I had to defend myself. That should solve all my problems, including ruining your credibility as a detective and deflecting any suspicion from me regarding the murders.”
“No worries. I don’t have any credibility, just a PI license I printed off the internet thingy. Wait, a gun? You’ve got a gun? You were going to shoot me? Can I see your gun? I like guns.” He went to her purse and took out the little Beretta. “What a cute little gun. Not very big. Is this just for shooting little people?” He accidentally pushed the magazine release, the magazine fell under the bed, and he tossed the gun aside. “This thing’s useless. I just want the truth. So, are you admitting that you committed the murders? Why would you want to kill the pilot, construction worker, and the others? I get it with Wendy and Joanne, but why the others?”
“I really don’t know what you’re talking about. Why aren’t you feeling strange? You should be hallucinating by now. What the hell?”
“Tanya, I’m not as dumb as I look. I saw you in the mirror dumping blue powder into my champagne. I guessed it was ground up Pleasuria and you were trying to kill me. You must have caught on that I suspected you in the murders. So, I switched the glasses. At least I think I did. It’s you that should start feeling strange soon. If you confess to the murders and tell me why you killed all these people, I’ll untie you and take you to the ER so they can give you a sedative to counteract the effects of the drug. What do you say? Talk, or you’re going to die, of pure pleasure.” Still a little tipsy, he actually giggled when he said this. “That’s funny. Die of pure pleasure.”
“First of all, I’d rather die from pure pleasure than have you talk me to death. And second, you’re so full of it. You didn’t switch anything. Once you start hallucinating, I’m going to blow you away. And you thought you were going to get me out of my little black dress. Take a long, hard look because that’s all you’re going to get, that and a bullet. You really suck as a private eye.”
Then her eyes glossed over, her body tensed and she said, “Ooooh. That feels really good. Do that some more.” Then, lucid again, she said to Jason, “Damn you. What did you do? Take me to the emergency room, immediately! Oh God, that feels so good. Make it stop. No, don’t make it stop. I want it to go all the way. Ooooh.”
When Jason heard this, he knew he had done it, he had her, and what happened next was very important, but he was a little disappointed that this sex thing was happening without any help from him. “Tanya, you need to tell me the truth. Did you murder all those people, and why? Tell me, and I’ll take you to the ER.”
She kept slipping in and out of a state of hyperarousal, first lucid, then all, “Ooooh. More. Please do that some more. Don’t stop.” In another moment of clarity, she said, “All right. I’ll tell you. Just get me to the ER.” Then she started babbling, focusing as best she could, as the tension between her legs continued to build toward an explosion of sexual release.
Jason said, momentarily forgetting the imminent threat of death by wife, “
It’s not fair. I was getting into that kinky stuff. Why did you have to be the killer? Talk, woman. Confess!”
She babbled, “Okay. Okay. Harold Jennings, pilot. Dated my college roommate at UVA. She was my best friend, my only friend. I was overweight and unpopular freshman back then. Couldn’t even get into a sorority. Jennings was older, out of school. He used to make fun of me, mean to me, tormented me. He got her pregnant, stole her away from me, and later dumped her. I wanted revenge. . . . Oh my God. Oh my God. Aaaahh!” Her body went rigid with her first orgasm.
“Wait. What? You were overweight in college? Not possible. So you knew him in college and he was mean to you and pissed you off? You wanted revenge? So, you decided to kill him? That seems kind of extreme. And why now, after all these years?”
“Whoa, here we go again. Ooooh, that’s so damned good. Make it stop. No, I don’t want it to stop. Best sex I’ve ever had. And no man needed. Wow, this would be great if it didn’t kill a person.” Then, to Jason, “Yes, damnit, Jennings hurt me, so I killed him. Todd DeMarco, weed-smoking creep, I went to high school with his sister. He and his sister bullied me. He grew up to work construction. I took him down too.” Then, “Oh God. Here we go again. I’m gonna come. So good.” She screamed, “Yes, oh yes! Aaaahh!” Another orgasm; this one seemed stronger than the last. When it was over, she had another lucid moment in which she said, “Take me to the ER. Now! Or I’m done for!”
“What about the others?” Jason pressed.
“Oh God. It’s building again, faster and stronger. It’s so good, it’s overwhelming. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Make it stop. Oooooh. No. Don’t make it stop. That feels incredible! I’m gonna die. Oh, that’s so good.”
Jason repeated, “What about the others? Mary Hutchinson?”
Tanya said, “Oooooh. God. Soooo good. Mary Hutchinson. My high school gym teacher. Bullied me. Made me climb the rope. Oh yes. I’m gonna come again.”
Jason said, more firmly, “What about Mary Hutchinson?”
“High school gym teacher. I didn’t want to climb the damned rope, but she made me. Fell and broke my arm, the bitch! Ooooh. Oh yes, yes!” She had her third happy ending. “Oh God! Oh God! Aaaahh!” Then, “Jason, please take me to the ER. I can’t take any more of this. Oh, wow. Never mind, don’t take me anywhere. Just let this go on, forever.”
Jason was getting worried. He didn’t know how much more she could take, but he was recording her on his cell phone and needed her full confession. “Go on, Tanya. What about Jenny Jacobson and Jimmy Jeb Johansen, the NASCAR driver?”
“Oh God. This one’s going to kill me. They just keep getting stronger and stronger. Oh yes, yes! Damned Jenny Jacobson. A fucking barista at the Starbucks around the corner from my house. Got my order wrong, and then spilled hot coffee on me. Had to pay her back. Jimmy Jeb, next-door neighbor when I was a kid. He used to torment me and beat me up. On my list. Got him back, too.”
“List? What list? Is this about some list you put together of people that harmed you, and you wanted to get revenge? But why? You are so beautiful, and so hot and curvy, and you smell so good.”
“I didn’t always look like this. Kind of overweight and plain as a kid, was tormented and bullied a lot, guess it really pissed me off. Father was also a bully, slapped me around some. I’ve always had anger issues but kept them to myself. Ooooh God! I’m gonna go again.”
Then Jason remembered his young daughters, each of whom had a list of bad things he had done to them—spilling ice tea on the older one on her birthday, spilling Pepsi on the younger one at the movies, also on her birthday, having to work the day one of them had gum surgery and not being there for her. They each had a list, and they repeated their lists to him from time to time, especially when they were angry. He thought, Yikes! I’m gonna apologize to my daughters as soon as I get home, before they grow up and take me out! Who am I trying to kid? After this, Chelsea will beat them to it by a mile.
He said to Tanya, “So, this is about a list? Am I on your list? You tried to spike my champagne with that lethal drug. How do I get off of your list? I’m gonna be on Chelsea’s list too if she ever finds out about this. What can I do to get you to take me off of your list?” He really didn’t want to die yet.
Tanya screamed, “Oh my God. Aaaaaaahh!” as she had yet another orgasm. Jason thought the top was going to blow off of her head. “Yes, goddammit. It’s about a list. Those sons of bitches, all of them hurt me, bullied me, screwed me over. Needed to get them back. Yes, you can consider yourself to be on my list, too. If you want to get off the list, take me to the ER. Gonna stroke out or have a heart attack if I don’t get something to stop this. Oooooh. Not again. Oh, yes, again. Please, again, and again, and again, don’t stop!”
Jason knew he should get her to the ER soon, but he needed to get all the facts, a full confession. If she was in jail, it wouldn’t matter if he was on her list. She was reasonably young, and he thought she could hang in there a little longer. “So, Tanya, how did you manage to get all these people to take Pleasuria? That is what you did, isn’t it? But how?”
“Aaaaahh! Here we go again. Oh God, that’s good, so intense. My head’s going to explode. Each one stronger and stronger. Don’t want it to stop. Please make it stop. Damn you. Saw my chance with the extreme Pleasuria side effects. Sent information to all of them about the Happiness clinical trial. Most of them were depressed and signed up. Then, I switched their pills. I’m friends with docs running the trial and had no problem getting access to the meds.” Her body stiffened again, and she screamed, “Aaaaahh! Oh my God! Oh my God! That was a whole new level of orgasm. Over the top. Please make it stop. No, just one more.”
“Tanya, we’re almost there.”
“Almost there, hell, I’ve been there five times already. Get me to the ER. Now!”
“Just one more thing. What about Wendy and Joanne? Did you try to kill them too? And how?”
Tanya’s eyes crossed for a moment, her whole body shook, a big smile came across her face, and she said, “Yes, damn you. Was pissed at Wendy. She hooked up with Lance, and I wanted him, but he wasn’t interested in me that way. Can you believe it? Look at me! So I slipped some of the drug into her coffee that morning at work. No one had any idea what was going on. She really freaked everyone out at the meeting. I guess I didn’t give her enough to kill her. Oh no! Oh God. The wave is building, and building, and building. I’m gonna drown this time!”
“Okay. I’ll dial 911 and get the ambulance here. Just tell me about Joanne. How did you get to her when she was in Northern Virginia?”
“Aaaaaaaahh!” Tanya’s eyes crossed, her body went rigid, and the smile on her face was enormous. Her wrists were still tied to the bedposts, so she was in no danger of harming herself, other than maybe her heart giving out.
“Wow. That must have been a good one. So what about Joanne?”
“Oh my God. I can’t take any more. Always thought multiple orgasms a good thing, but this is . . . Aaaahh. Oh my, that’s very, very good. Building, building, rising, rising. Don’t know if I can survive this one. Joanne, that bitch. She dated Harden before Wendy, but I couldn’t get to her. She worked in another building. One day she had a headache. I loaned her a bottle of pills for treating migraines. They actually contained Pleasuria pills mixed in. Figured at some point she’d take enough to affect her. She had frequent migraines; must have had a doozy after she moved to Northern Virginia, took some of the pills, and ended up in the ER. Just my luck she had to be carpooling with you, and you turned out to be a PI. Oooooooh! Here it comes! Aaaaahh! Oh God!” Her eyes crossed again and her body went rigid for a long time. She screamed the entire time, “Aaaaahh! Oh. My. God!” Then she said, “Please, get me to the ER. This is way, way, way too much of a good thing.”
Jason had everything he needed to have her arrested, and he needed for her to go to jail. Oh God, I’m on her list now. “Hang in there, Tanya, I’m dialing 911. They should be here soon.”
/> He untied her and put her shoes on her feet so she would be ready when the paramedics arrived. She was still on the bed moaning and panting. The paramedics asked Jason what had happened, and he said, “She took something, some kind of pill that induces repeated orgasms that get stronger and stronger. The same thing happened to my carpooler a couple of weeks ago. In that case, someone slipped her pills without her knowing it.”
One of the paramedics said, suspiciously, “Are you sure you didn’t roofie her? That’s illegal, you know.”
“No, I didn’t do anything. I’m a private detective, and we were supposed to meet to discuss my latest case. But she took something, and then this mess started. She’s been having spontaneous orgasm after orgasm for the past forty-five minutes, and she can’t seem to make it stop. How do you think I feel? I felt kind of left out being in a hotel room with a woman that looks like that with her having all that awesome sex without me. It’s very disturbing. I think I need a couple of tranquilizers myself. I’ll probably end up with PTSD.”
The paramedics put her on a gurney and wheeled her down to the ambulance as she moaned and screamed louder and louder with each new orgasm. Jason asked the paramedic, “Can I travel in the ambulance with her? I’m the one that was questioning her when this happened, and I would like to make sure she’s okay.”
The paramedic said, “This is the strangest one I’ve ever seen. I’ve picked up couples having extramarital affairs that have hurt themselves in the throes of passion, older married couples that have overdone it in the bedroom, injuries due to improper use of sex toys, all kinds of strange things. But this is the first time I’ve rescued someone in a hotel room, where only one of the participants was hurt having sex with herself without anyone doing anything.” He looked at Jason with a combination of pity and disdain and said, “Sure, get in.”
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