“Had a broken spirit?” Ethan scowled. “Well, you did an exceptional job. Doesn’t excuse your moral lapse for even a second, though. Doesn’t alter the fact you betrayed me, your family.”
“I saved your life. Don’t make me repeat myself. All it took was a simple promise and a threat. They agreed to those terms, so I lied to you. Blame me all you want, Ethan, but don’t think for a second that I would have left things there. I tried to get her back. I tried to bring her home when I put a mark on Tabitha. I’ve tired day and night to bring you home since you both disappeared. I couldn’t find you after you left Scarlet for dead. Thought you’d want to come home, but apparently not. Don’t hate me for being willing to do anything – literally anything – it takes to protect my family. Remember when we were kids? When our mother died, when we wandered around the streets as homeless orphans… We made a promise to each other. I’ve kept that promise ever since. For twenty years I’ve kept that promise.”
Ethan examined her. “Do you consider the Krohns family? Do you trust them with your life, now?”
She understood the subtle meaning behind his question. “The Krohns are our family, little brother. To address your hidden meaning there: no, I don’t trust them like blood. You and Theia are my only blood. I have to rely on our family, but I will only ever trust you. I’m eternally thankful to have you as blood. You know why? Because your most defining quality is loyalty. Betrayal is absent from your vocabulary.”
Ethan chuckled. “Scarlet would disagree.”
Lilith laughed louder. “You were never one of hers, and she was never one of yours. That cunt ceased to be family once she disowned Phoebe and formed her own separate family. You didn’t betray anyone. You never could. It’s what I love about you.”
“Why do you want me back? If you love me, seems you’d respect my wish to stay away.”
“That’s what complicates the matter, Ethan. I don’t want you gone, so I’m trying to get you back. What’s it going to take?”
“Give up your position. Live here, with me.”
“Is that a serious condition?”
“If it were possible,” Ethan sighed in an annoyed tone.
“Trust me, I’d love to, but I’m responsible for the lives of others now.”
“Resign.”
Lilith leaned against the wall and slid down onto her brother’s lap. “I love my family, Ethan. Our family. How can you abandon them so easily?”
“Easy?”
It was dead silent in that chamber.
“Leaving my family behind is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I can’t allow myself to be around my own child because she isn’t safe with me, nor the rest of her family. You know one of the last things Theia said to me before I left her? She said she doesn’t miss her mother. I just… I… I can’t believe she said that. It’s completely disparate for her to be so cold.”
“My god, Ethan. Nobody would miss that woman. Theia is an altruistic little girl, and she’s smart. You can’t possibly believe she’s becoming cold and unfeeling because she said that.” She gave a little time for Ethan to think about that. Then, she asked, “What will you do now, since you refuse to have a family?”
Ethan had never appeared more reluctant to speak before, not that he was ever much of a talker. “I made her a promise. I promised I would return; be her father again. I can’t let myself die, but… I don’t know how to continue living either.”
Without hesitating, Lilith replied, “Come home, then. Think things through. Give it time. Find a way to make everything right.”
“I can’t undo all that I’ve done.”
“No, but you can preserve what you have left. Theia, our family… Me.” Lilith looked at him, smiling. “Did your daughter agree with your reasoning?”
“No. I tried telling her why I’m not good for her, but she fervently disagreed.”
Lilith’s smile lessened. “Did you tell her what you’ve done? She might have agreed with you.”
Ethan glared at her, starting to stand on his frail legs. “Do you want her to hate me?”
“No, little bro. Only saying that you wouldn’t have had to make that promise if she knew everything. You’d … still be heartbroken, but in an odd way, at peace too.” He looked sad; more than normal. “Fact remains: you made a promise, and you have to keep it. So, come back with your family. Clean yourself up.”
“Clean myself up, being amongst those people?” Ethan chuckled.
“Our people! Ethan, these days the family rebuilds homes, supplies them… We grow and give away food… Not to mention our usual enterprise of providing security. And we do these for legitimate, normal families and individuals. Ask Phoenix, ask Michael. We’re strong, and we use that strength for benevolent purposes. Keeps us alive, keeps our turf clean, and it keeps the troops off my back. Stop making the family sound like we’re out to ruin lives.”
Ethan finally looked at her with a friendlier expression. He must have believed her. It seemed enough for the time being, enough to bring him home, but perhaps not enough to bring him out of this state of misery. In his eyes, Lilith could see, from that morning in the delivery room to the present day, that he loved his daughter above all others. To give her up because of their family, and what Ethan had done for their family… it must have been the most devastating decision he had ever made, or ever would. Lilith could promise that the family is more legitimate than it’s ever been, but that wasn’t enough to make him happy.
“Fine. I’ll come home,” he said. She predicted he would, merely by how he looked at her.
Making him happy again would be an entirely different, far more difficult task.
–––––––
Returning home wasn’t nearly as joyous as she’d expected. ‘Funeral’ most accurately described it than ‘reunion.’ Michael opened Lilith’s door first, then Ethan’s. As her brother stepped out, she saw he had trouble standing. Fortunately, it was much easier than getting him out of the barge. Seeing him so weak; it wasn’t normal. It wasn’t right. She whispered to herself, “Ghost…”
Ethan looked at her. “What?”
“Nothing,” she said, her eyes heavy from the sight of him. “Michael, have the boys make some food. We’ll eat alone.”
Other family members surrounded them, including children. One of their men rushed to support Ethan’s left side. Lilith walked ahead of them into the white house. Her men practically carried Ethan up the brick steps. She kept the door open for them. Those Michael had sent to cook swiftly followed them inside, headed straight for the kitchen.
“Couch,” said Ethan. Michael and the other set Ethan on a couch in the living room once those already seated removed themselves. All others in the living room vacated by then, shutting off the TV and taking their lounging items with them.
“Please tell me you’re hungry, Ethan,” said Lilith.
“’Course.” His eyes were shut tight. He must have had a headache.
“I’ll let you rest. We’ll get you when the food’s done.”
Ethan showed no interest in conversation; not with her, nor with anyone. She wanted to believe it was because of his weak state. It couldn’t have been personal. He understood her reason for the lie about Theia. Perhaps it did nothing to extinguish the rage. She sat opposite him on an ataman while dinner was being prepared, staring into his eyes. Michael and Dwight were present, keeping watch through the windows to make sure nobody came in.
After ten minutes, with no one coming to the door to see Ethan, Lilith told the men to take over cooking duties and send the others away. She continued to stare at her resting brother. An aching came upon her; a feeling of pity and compassion, almost motherly. He had brought this on himself, intentionally. Undoubtedly regret, shame, and self-loathing. He had found Theia, but had to separate himself from her again, intentionally this time. Deep down, she knew she couldn’t make him happy on her own. But she could still try.
Lilith chose to take care of her brother. To all others, she
was boss, but to Ethan, she would be comforter. Only her love could help him; no orders, no demands, no bribe, no deal. Nothing she had grown accustomed to by now. Ethan needed to know he wasn’t alone. She would share his pain henceforth.
She climbed onto the couch and laid facing him, stroking his hair. His breathing was wheezy, and she could feel his irregular heartbeat. Kissing his head, she whispered, “I’m here, Ethan. I’m here.”
GHOST
OCTOBER 1992
Ethan was lying on his back, eyes wide open. Despite the late hour, Eva wouldn’t stop rummaging around the tent’s miscellaneous stolen items that she brought, piling together items she said they needed, which was everything, but being unable to fit everything into their two backpacks.
“You could help, you know,” she said.
“It’s not like I know what we need.”
“We need stuff to live. Food and clothes, you know. We’re not going on vacation, we’re going to live out there.”
Ethan rolled over to face her. “And we have all that, so, let’s go.” They both knew the only clothes to bring were the ones they were already wearing, and the food amounted to the random snack foods Ethan had stolen.
“Is it enough, though? I know it’s not, I just can’t think of what else we need. Food, water, clothes, food, water, clothes… Water shouldn’t be a problem. There’s water bottles and fountains everywhere. Or we could just collect the rain. I have to make sure, because we won’t have a chance to come back here.”
“Why not?”
“Somebody will see us.” Eva paused a moment, checking her watch. “Fuck! We don’t have any time left. Let’s go.”
Ethan sat up promptly, but didn’t get out of his sleeping bag just yet. “Out of time? I thought you said we should wait until later.”
“We did wait. It’s 11:30 now, and the MAX stops running at midnight. I said that, remember? We gotta go!”
The twins took their packed belongings, which primarily amounted to a sleeping bag in each of their backpacks, and flew out of the tent before they lost another minute. They knew where to find the nearest MAX station, since they had always lived near it. Despite the late hour, a small mass of people were gathered there when they reached it, sore and out of breath.
Eva whispered to him, “Act cool and nobody will look at us weird.”
“But we don’t have parents, Eva. People are going to notice. And how are we going to get on the train? You have to pay!”
“My friend said they never check. We’ll be fine.”
“I can’t do this. We should just go home. My foster parents will let you stay, I’m sure.”
Eva’s raised her voice slightly above a whisper, though she still kept her voice low. “Ethan, you can’t give up, okay? You made me a promise, I made you a promise. Bryan could be out there looking for me right now. He could kill you just like he killed Mom. Is that what you want?” Ethan shook his head. “I don’t want that, either. You’re all the family I have left, and I love you. So, stop being weak. We can do this. We can have a better life all on our own, just with each other. But it’s all gonna go away if you give up. Don’t give up!”
“Eva, somebody’s gonna find us. Down there, we don’t have a house to live in. We do up here, though. They’re going to find us some day.”
“Some kids go missing for twenty years. Some kids disappear for the rest of their lives. It happens, Ethan. We don’t need anybody to take care of us, except each other. Okay? It’s not impossible.”
Something about her words seemed both correct, and very wrong. Ethan was torn in half. He made his sister that promise when he was crying; when he wasn’t thinking soundly. Now, it seemed like his biggest mistake. But a promise is a promise, he told himself, just as the train was appearing in the distance, coming to take them away. Maybe Eva’s right about kids going missing for a long time. Maybe we can survive on our own…
Boarding the MAX was easy. They got on, and simply found somewhere to sit. People shot strange looks their way, but nothing more. Everybody minded their own business, and half the passengers were dozing off anyway. Ethan placed his backpack on the floor second, after Eva. She stretched a little, yawning and twisting her back. Then, she closed her eyes and leaned on Ethan’s shoulder. After a few minutes, passing through a couple neighborhoods, he rested his head on her’s, but didn’t close his eyes.
Now, they were nearing downtown. A problem occurred, though. As the train was about to stop at Lloyd Center Mall, Ethan watched officers standing outside, preparing to board. “Sis,” he said, shaking his shoulder. She woke and straightened up immediately, apparently not having been asleep at all the whole time. “Cops,” he whispered.
Eva scoured, spotting them quickly. “They’re not at the back. Let’s get out there.”
Ethan obeyed without question. Eva led the pace, standing at a normal speed then walking casually to the opposite side of the car. Once the train stopped, they allowed a few people out ahead of them. Eva stuck beside someone in the crowd like they were a parent, and Ethan mimicked, only until they were clear of the officers. Then, they separated from the crowd, headed away from the mall while everyone else walked to their cars in a lot across from it.
“We got away,” said Eva, shaking.
“Still really, really far from downtown, though. We have to get on the next one.”
“But that was the last train tonight.”
Terror came over him. “Well, then, what are we gonna do?”
Eva sighed, gripping Ethan’s arm as if to pull it off, and proceeded to drag him west, the direction of downtown. “We’re gonna do what we were already going to do: start a life, do whatever we want, whenever we want.”
“No, no, NO! STOP!” screamed Ethan. “We can’t! We won’t survive!”
Eva slugged him in the belly. He dropped, gasping. Eva did not scream at him in return, but matched his ferocity by growling, “Don’t be a fucking coward and a wimp. Even if I didn’t want to do this, we have to, because Bryan is still out there, and he’s looking for me. We have nowhere else to go, Ethan. Do you want to die? Do you want me to be raped again? Over and over and over…” Ethan shook his head, crying a little. “I didn’t think so. Now, get up and be a man for once.”
“Grown-ups can protect us…”
“Did grown-ups protect us before? Did Mom save herself?”
She’s right, he thought.
He silently submitted. By choosing to ignore the wrenching feeling in his gut, he stood, breathing in deeply. “Okay, let’s go.”
“Yeah, ‘let’s go’ is right. We have to find somewhere to go first.”
Ethan used his head. That part of town was unfamiliar to him, so he had no off-hand guesses. He had an idea, though. “A park? Let’s go to a park.”
“I was thinking more like someone’s backyard or something. We should do that.”
Without hesitation, Ethan vetoed that. “No!” He almost shouted again. “People will see us. Parks have, like, paths that go into forests and stuff.”
“I’m not sleeping in a forest. Not until I have bug repellent and a tent.”
“Fine, then we’ll sleep in a park and run into the forest if people see us.” Ethan was now the one in a bigger hurry.
“Not all parks have forests and trails behind them. This is a different part of Portland, remember.”
Two hours passed.
Eva was proved to have a sound point. ‘Different’ described that area perfectly. Not only did they require a park which came with a place to hide, but one that wasn’t already occupied. A shocking number of people, more than he had ever seen, were sleeping on sidewalks, in front of doorways, and conveniently, in parks too. After walking around so late into the night on an empty stomach, both decided on sticking with the next park they found.
That park had an escape route, but was occupied by three others, who were smoking cigarettes on the benches, wide awake. Eva looked at Ethan. “Get your knife ready.”
“Why? I’
m not going to kill them.”
“Not to kill them, stupid! God, you’re so dumb when you’re scared. Get your knife and be ready if they try to hurt us.” Ethan understood and obeyed. Having not understood her meaning initially made him feel stupid indeed.
Ethan pulled the knife from his pocket. He held it firmly, trembling. Eva faced him a moment. He saw fear in her eyes, though she would never admit it. Ethan held her hand with his left, gently sliding his fingers between hers, and together they approached the park benches closest to the trees. Up ahead, Ethan saw the occupants looking at them. Their hands gripped tight.
“You kids okay, there?” one of them said.
“Fine,” said Eva. “Can you guys leave us alone?”
The three guys, who seemed no older than teenagers, looked at each other. Another one replied to her, asking, “What did we do wrong?”
“Just leave!” growled Ethan. He was prepared to fight them off he had to. Admittedly, he didn’t want to find out whether he could.
Despite the tension, their company finally agreed to listen. They packed their belongings and departed, but not before adding a few additional snide comments. Ethan recalled seeing the intoxicated state of those guys before. He had seen something similar from his father, except it caused by drinking alcohol. His father smoked cigarettes, but it didn’t have an identical effect as the beer. Whatever, he thought. It wasn’t worth trying to figure out.
“Ethan!” scorned Eva. She had been walking away, on that path that led into the trees. He scurried up to her. “In case they call the police, we should go to sleep in here. If we had some boards, we could lay them on the branches and sleep in the trees.”
“Guess we’ll just have to sleep on the ground next to the trees,” said Ethan, “where there’s bugs and spiders.”
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