“We were close. As close as two men could get in that kind of environment.”
“Aunt Mattie says wonderful things about him. Was he a good guy?”
Justin tensed. He wasn’t sure why the conversation had taken this turn. He had a sexy woman in bed with him and didn’t know if they’d ever get the chance to have a repeat performance of tonight. Was he ruining the moment with talk of his soldiering days? Yet he found that talking to Kat came easy and maybe he needed to get some things off his chest.
He began in a quiet voice. “He was no saint by any means. Sometimes I thought the devil caught him by the tail. But he was real decent and a lotta fun to be around. He had this innocent charm about him and he’d...he’d do anything for the people he cared about.”
“You’ve never grieved for him, have you?”
Her question came out of left field, shocking him. “I’m not sure I know how.”
“Maybe talking about it will help, Justin.”
“Maybe I don’t want help. Maybe I need to suffer.”
“You don’t really mean that.”
Justin drew a sharp breath. “I think I do. I’m responsible for Brett’s death and I’ll never forgive myself.”
She stroked his face with a tenderness he didn’t deserve. The comfort she offered almost brought him to tears. “You need to pour out your heart, Justin. You need to tell someone.”
He grabbed her wrist and kissed her fingertips. “I don’t want to let it go.”
“Yes, you do. You want to tell me,” she said gently. “And I want to listen.”
He sat in silence for a few moments, fighting the emotion warring inside his head. Where were Connor’s waking cries when he needed them? Why wasn’t the phone ringing off the hook? Why wasn’t room service knocking on their door by mistake?
One look at Kat’s sweetly sympathetic face threw his world off kilter. Those reassuring eyes told him she would understand. That beautiful mouth would speak words of comfort. She was offering him a way out, a way to ease his conscience. She was cracking the fortress walls he’d built up. Maybe Kat was right. Maybe he did want to tell her. Maybe he needed to speak of it. Sure as anything, he had her rapt attention. Maybe he needed to let go of the part of him that caused all his nightmares.
He released a deep breath and started talking slowly. “I guess I was still reeling from the Qaisar mission in northern Afghanistan.”
“That’s when you saved five men from an ambush, right?”
“Right. I was just doing my job the way I was trained to do. The result was a good one and no one died that day. The praise started flowing from generals all the way down to privates and I appreciated it. I really did, but I didn’t much like the label of hero. It’s something I still don’t embrace. Real soldiers don’t think about being heroes, they think about staying alive and helping their buddies stay alive. It’s grueling over there and there’s no glory in it, just survival.”
“But you have to feel good about saving so many,” Kat said.
“Hell yeah, I do. I wouldn’t change a thing about that day. But what happened with Brett came a few months later. I was thinking I had it all figured out. I was a little cocky, which is dangerous when you’re over there. I was assigned to check out an abandoned schoolhouse in an Afghani village. We’d gotten tipped off that there was a cache of explosives and ammo hidden there.
“Brett had been battling pneumonia. He’d been laid up for two weeks and was eager to get his boots on the ground again. He’d been bored out of his mind in the infirmary and wanted in on this mission. Originally I told him no, it was too soon. But he’d gotten clearance for regular duty and he convinced me he was feeling up to it. ‘I’m right as rain,’ he’d said. ‘C’mon, buddy. Let me in on this one.’ He pulled the friendship card, and I caved. Against my better judgment, I changed my mind and allowed him on the mission.
“When we got to the village, we detached from our convoy and eight of us walked over some rugged terrain to get to the schoolhouse. On orders, our demolition guy would detonate the explosives if they were there. We took all the usual precautions and were careful going inside. The dust was heavy that day, blowing in from the west, and we were covered in it. Brett started coughing, loud, hard coughs that could split a gut. I knew then he wasn’t fully recovered. Disgusted at my lack of judgment, I ordered him back to the convoy for his own safety. He was in no shape for the mission. Just as he stepped outside to obey my orders, shots were fired.
“Immediately I knew we’d been set up and ambushed by hostile forces. Three of the patrol guards I’d stationed around the school perimeter fired back and then dove for cover inside the schoolroom. But Brett never made it back inside. He’d been caught off guard from those damn coughing fits and shot to death. We called for backup from our convoy and the troops scared off our attackers. But it was too late for my friend.”
Justin’s lips quivered and he put his head in his hands. The memory fierce, his harsh words to Brett resounded in his head. “My last command to him was to get the hell back to the convoy and stay put.
“There wasn’t anything I could do to save him. I held him, was covered in his blood when he took his last breaths. I made two mistakes that day. Letting him sweet-talk me into going on the mission was one. He wasn’t fit for combat. But I should have left it alone once he was there. The truth was, I was pissed at myself for not standing firm.”
Kat sat up on her knees. She touched his forearm and rubbed comforting circles on his skin. “No, Justin. No. It wasn’t your fault he was shot.”
He stared into her pretty green eyes, saw her adamant expression and turned away. “Don’t give me a break on this. Don’t tell me it wasn’t my fault. I should’ve known better.”
“You sent him back for his own good. You couldn’t possibly have known about the ambush—”
“Ambushes are part of the deal over there. I needed my men to be one hundred percent healthy, for everyone’s safety. Brett wasn’t, not that day. And my bad judgment cost him his life, damn it.”
“You did what you thought was best.”
“Maybe I got too damn cocky, believing my own press. Maybe I wasn’t careful enough with my men.”
“You’re punishing yourself for something that wasn’t your fault. Maybe—and here’s a revelation—it was Brett’s fault. Did you ever think of that? That maybe Brett shouldn’t have pushed so hard. That maybe the error in judgment was with him.”
Justin refused to let Brett take the blame for his own death. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Kat.”
“Oh, I know. I’ve been there and I can tell you, blaming yourself for things out of your control doesn’t work. The guilt you feel isn’t going to bring Brett back. It isn’t going to fix you, Justin. Just like it didn’t fix me.”
Justin turned partway toward her. “What do you mean, it didn’t fix you?”
“I mean...I had a horrible childhood. About as horrible as you can imagine. My father was abusive. In the beginning, it was just to my mom. But then, he started in on me. He was a nasty drunk and he’d say awful things to me. I had very low self-esteem because of him. How could I be anything but insecure, when my own father told me a dozen times a day how stupid I was? How much he hated that I was born. How he wished I’d grow some brains. I’d go to bed at night and cry my eyes out, thinking I was to blame. If only I could do better, and not leave the milk cap off, or put away all my clothes, or get A’s on all my tests, my father would love me more. Every time he took a hand to my mother because she defended me, I blamed myself. Over and over and over.”
“Ah hell, Kat.” Justin looked at the naked woman on his bed and saw more than her beautiful body—he saw into her soul. Into the heart of who Kat really was. He gently cupped her face in his hands and looked into her eyes. “That’s rough for a kid.”
“I�
��m not trying to outdo you in the sympathy department, Justin,” she said softly. He let his hands drop away, completely captivated by the sincerity in her eyes. “I’m trying to help. Guilt isn’t healthy. You have to come to terms with what happened to Brett.”
“Did you? Did you finally come to terms with your father?”
“Yes. My mother ran away from my dad. She got a restraining order that didn’t do much to stop him and we ended up living out of a suitcase, going from one women’s shelter to another. We never had money, but we had each other. My mother...was amazing. She tried like crazy to make up for our sorry lives and to this day I think she was the best person I’ve ever known. I see my father for who he was now. I have no guilt about him.”
“It’s different with Brett,” he whispered. “And someday I’m going to have to explain to Mattie Applegate my part in how he died.”
Soft baby whimpers drew their attention. “It’s Connor,” Kat said. She rose from the bed and picked up Justin’s shirt. She threw her arms through the sleeve, and the material fanned out like a cape, before gently settling against her body. That, and the wild, blond wisps around her head, made a beautiful disheveled picture as she waited for him to retrieve Connor. Something wonderful squeezed tight in his gut.
He got up and quickly put on his pants. Then he strode toward her and offered his hand. With a sweet smile she clasped it.
“Let’s go get our son,” he said.
And together they walked hand in hand to ease the soft cries of their boy.
* * *
The Golden’s luxurious columns blocked sunlight from beaming down on Connor as Kat held him in her arms outside the hotel. “Your daddy will be here soon,” she whispered near his ear.
Connor played with the thin silver necklace around her neck. There was just something about shiny things and babies. His fascination with the tiny crystal beads on the links kept him occupied while they waited for Justin to say his goodbyes to his family. The baby’s dark curly hair ruffled in the slight breeze and Kat rocked him gently, more out of habit than need.
A black Lincoln limousine pulled up and came to a stop ten feet away. Kat watched as a chauffeur got out and opened the door to the backseat. A handsome light-haired man climbed out, ducking his head and then standing to full height.
Kat froze. “Oh, no,” she murmured. It was too late to make a hasty exit. Michael Golden’s eyes were on her instantly. They locked gazes and Kat tightened her hold on Connor.
Up until four months ago, she’d been living in New York in a penthouse suite with him. They were engaged to be married until Kat had broken it off.
Memories flashed of her time with Michael. She’d begun dating him a few weeks after she’d been with Justin in New York. Michael was witty, charming and very attentive. When she discovered she was pregnant, she’d been honest with Michael, telling him up front that she would understand if he wanted to end their relationship. Michael couldn’t have children, so they’d known the child wasn’t his. He’d often thought of adopting, so news of Kat’s pregnancy didn’t throw him for a loop. Quite the opposite. He continued his healthy pursuit of her and had been overly kind during her pregnancy. She’d moved into his penthouse even as thoughts of Brett Applegate stayed in her mind.
“Kat?” he said, tilting his head as he approached. “Is that really you?”
The sound of his baritone voice made her nerves stand on end.
He strode toward them. His clear blue eyes sharpened on her before he directed his gaze to the baby. It lingered there and Kat nervously shifted Connor in her arms. “Yes, it’s me. Hello, Michael.”
The most eligible billionaire in New York City smiled a winning smile. “Hello, Kat. I never expected to see you in Reno. At one of my hotels, no less.”
“There was a wedding.” She didn’t volunteer anything more. Michael looked like a zillion bucks. What else was new? He had a flare for fine clothes. He put himself together well, or rather his valet did. It was one of the first things she’d noticed about him when they’d met, his desire for fine fashion. She’d thought that his connections could get her foot in the fashion industry door. And he would have helped her after the big wedding he’d promised to give her.
He continued gazing at Connor but didn’t reach out or try to touch him. Longing filled his eyes. For months, Michael had treated him as his own son. “He looks good. Healthy.”
“He is. We’re doing fine.”
“I’ve spent a long time missing him.”
Which said it all. Michael missed the idea of Connor as his son. He might have even loved him, but that was the problem. Michael didn’t love her. She didn’t love him. They were using each other for what was missing in their lives. Michael wanted children, Kat wanted a career. New York society labeled Kat a gold digger, a woman who was after Michael for his money and the connections he had. In a sense, that had been true. She’d been alone after her mother died, and here was this man...an extremely rich man, who wanted a child and would provide an amazing life for both of them.
“It was a mutual agreement, Michael. We decided it was best to have a clean break.”
“That’s not how I remember it.”
“No, I don’t suppose you would.” He’d been resistant to the idea of a breakup initially and it had gotten a little ugly before she finally left.
“I gave you everything.” He ground the words out. “But it wasn’t enough.”
After Connor was born, Kat began seeing a different side to Michael Golden. He was a control freak and had to have a say in everything she did and everywhere she went with the baby. He questioned her every move. The walls began closing in on her. She was being suffocated, choking down Michael’s manipulations until she couldn’t take it anymore.
He’d been very much like her troublesome father, and it had taken Connor’s birth to make her really see it. She shuddered as bad memories poured over her like hot oil. Michael Golden hadn’t been abusive physically, but every day she’d borne the brunt of his caustic words. Every day she’d been slapped with his harsh demands. She’d vowed to never allow another man to control her or make her life hell like that.
“It’s in the past, Michael. Let’s leave it there.”
He glanced at her son again and snarled with accusation. “You took Connor away from me.”
She began shaking her head and glancing around, trying to find a way to make a clean exit. “He was never yours, Michael. We’ve talked about this. I’m sorry it didn’t work out between us.”
He blinked. “Are you? Did you ever find the baby’s real father?”
Kat wasn’t going to answer that question. It was none of his business now. For months, he’d discouraged her from pursuing Connor’s father and she’d allowed him to influence her. She certainly wasn’t blameless, though. Her decision to initially not seek out Brett to tell him of her pregnancy rested fully on her shoulders. It was something she’d have to live with the rest of her life.
She did a quick inconspicuous scan of the surroundings, searching for Justin. The last thing she wanted was to see the two men face-to-face.
That wouldn’t be good at all.
She was saved from answering his question as a leggy woman with platinum-blond waves and pouty red lips climbed out of Michael’s limo behind him. Blood rushed to Kat’s face. The woman was almost a mirror image of her...and Marilyn Monroe. The resemblance was uncanny. Kat recognized her as a soap opera star.
“Are you coming, Michael?” The woman’s impatience cut through the warm Nevada air.
“I’ll be right there, honey.”
The smile he aimed at Kat was lopsided and cocky, as if to say you’re replaceable. He began backing away. “Goodbye, Kat.” Then his gaze roamed over Connor with genuine regret before he turned away and took hold of the starlet’s hand.
Kat’s body sagg
ed. She’d dodged a bullet today. It wasn’t too often that happened to her. Her luck wasn’t always this good
Michael disappeared into the hotel lobby with his date and just seconds later, Justin walked up behind her wearing a big smile. He gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Sorry to keep you waiting.”
“No problem.”
He studied her face for a second and she hoped he hadn’t noticed her distress. “Everything okay?”
Kat drew a breath and gave him a quick nod. “Everything’s fine.”
“You ready to head home to Silver Springs?”
“So ready.” She smiled and squeezed Connor’s little body tight. With Justin by her side and Connor in her arms, her life seemed perfect and...complete. She wasn’t going to let running into Michael today ruin that. “You have no idea.”
Eight
Kat leaned against her bedroom dresser and unfolded the letter she’d received yesterday from Lowery’s Department Store. Her shoulders sagged with despair and she shook her head as she reread the words. Her future on the line, she stood there for a few seconds contemplating what she should do with the rest of her life before she refolded the paper and slipped it back into its envelope.
She pulled the dresser drawer open, lifted up her underpants and placed the letter on top of the pile of rejections she kept there. A nice neat stack had accumulated during the past weeks, and when she put her underwear back to cover the letters, it came to the very top of the drawer. She flattened the fabric with the palm of her hand and then used her hip to slide the drawer closed.
When Kat entered the kitchen, Aunt Mattie was at the table, feeding Connor breakfast in his high chair. The creamy concoction of oatmeal, bananas and blueberries warranted a fingertip taste test. “Yummy, Connor,” Kat said, after taking a second taste. “Mommy likes it, too.”
The baby smiled.
She kissed the top of his head and ruffled his dark hair.
Noise from the demolition crew working a short distance away drew her attention. Sheds, old feed shacks and outer buildings on the property were being torn down.
The Secret Heir of Sunset Ranch Page 12