by Anna Bloom
Ben changes the subject away from our two friends with benefits. “So it was just the three of you then?”
“Yeah, well Meredith was still doing her secret squirrel with her laptop but she came out to eat. Well, when the smoke alarm kept going off. I have to admit I burnt the first few rounds.”
“You surprise me!”
“Ha fucking ha. Anyway she came out. We had a few beers and ate my gourmet sandwiches, but then Rich wanted to watch some shit late night movie that he said would be good for our History on Screen module, I told him it looked shit and sent him home.”
“Late night movie? What time does that start?”
There is a tone in his voice that I cannot make out.
“Half eleven. Come on, Ben. You haven’t been gone long enough to forget what time the late night movies start.”
“So what? He has only just left?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“He has been there since after lectures and only just left?”
“Uh yeah, I don’t understand what you are talking about.”
Silence.
“Well nothing I guess.”
“No. Come on, Ben. Something is clearly on your mind.”
“Did you not think that I might be jealous?”
What?
“Why on earth would you be jealous? It’s only Richard and a toasted sandwich?”
“Yeah and the fact you have spent the last what, five, six hours with some guy who is not me?”
I don’t think I have ever heard Ben jealous before. This is new territory and I am not sure what to say.
“Ben it was a sandwich.”
“It’s not the point is it?”
“Well, how many hours have you spent with Mihraandah today?” Okay I probably did not need to say her name like that. I try and correct myself straight away, but fail. “Ben it was just a sandwich and hanging out, what am I not allowed any friends of the male species?”
Silence.
“Well did you hold hands?”
“No!”
“Did you sing together?”
“No!”
“Did you dance?”
He is laughing a little now.
“Oh, my God, no! What do you think? I am just going to burst into song midway through buttering the bread?”
“Well, it could happen?”
“Did it ever happen with you?”
“Well, no.”
“Then I think we are safe on that happening. Speaking of which, you have not played guitar to me for ages.”
“True.”
“Could you play now?”
“Maybe?”
“Do you need to get the Gibson?”
“Nope, got it.”
“Okay play …”
He strums a couple of notes.
“Wait!”
“Yes, Lilah?”
“What are you wearing?”
“Well now you mention it …”
He describes my favourite outfit of sweats and a holey T-shirt and once I have ascertained exactly how he is sitting so I can visualise it properly I lay back and listen to him play.
5th February
Meredith and I are at Richmond Park. I have agreed out of the goodness of my heart to try and teach her to drive again.
I have an ulterior motive though. I want to know what she has been looking at on the Internet and I am going to find out.
“Give me the keys, Lilah!”
“Nope.”
“Oh, god. Are you going to give me one of your road safety lectures again?”
“Nope.”
“Give me the keys then.”
I dangle them in front of her and then hold them out of the open car window.
“What on earth are you doing?” she asks.
“Tell me what you have been looking at on the Internet every night and then you can have them.”
“Lilah, for goodness’ sake.” She flicks her hair back out of her face. “This is silly, just give me the keys.”
“Nope.”
“Lilah!”
“Tell me, I am worried you may be looking for somewhere new to live.”
”Don’t be silly why would I be looking at somewhere new to live?”
“I don’t know, we don’t seem to have much fun these days. You and Tristan row all the time and when you are not rowing you are looking at stuff on the computer. I go out with Beth and Richard more than you now.”
I have no idea where all this is coming from, but now it is gushing out of me I can’t stop it.
“Lilah, that’s silly you’re my best friend. I have to admit for honesty’s sake that I do find it a little strange that you and Richard spend so much time together. I find it hard to believe that it can be truly platonic.”
“What!” I exclaim. “Of course it is. You know how I feel about Ben.”
She eyes me with cautious green eyes.
“Not really, Lilah. I know how you used to feel about him. When you used to live and breathe him. When you used to fall apart at the thought of being separated from him. I know how you used to be together. The way you could read each other and think each other’s thoughts. I know how you used to stare at him every single moment without even knowing you were doing it. And I remember the good old days when you used to be paranoid about other girls. Now you do not even blink when they are in the paper.”
My throat goes very tight. Oh, my God. That is exactly how it used to be.
“Meredith,” I say my voice low and struggling. “It is not that easy. He is just not here and I am trying to learn to live with it.”
“You don’t even seem to miss him. I seriously thought you would consider going to the States with him but you are still here just arsing about.”
Ouch. That’s a low blow.
“Seriously? You think I don’t miss him? That’s ridiculous, I am just trying to enjoy Uni. After all, this is what I wanted to do. Remember, I was the one who wanted to get a degree to prove something to myself.”
“I know,” she agrees, not making any eye contact. “You’re my best friend and you can tell me anything.”
I don’t know what to say so I change the subject. Somehow Meredith has managed to stop my questioning and replace it with her own. Crafty.
“So are you going to tell me what you have been looking at on the computer?”
“I’ve been looking at wedding stuff.” She has her head turned away and facing out of the driver side window.
“Why, I thought the wedding was not until the end of Uni?”
“I know, that’s what I promised my parents.”
“And do you not want to keep that promise?”
Meredith shakes her head.
“So why did you make a promise that you didn’t want to keep?”
She just shrugs in response.
“Meredith, you crazy girl, does Tristan know?”
Nodding she keeps her face turned away still.
“And what does he say?”
“He says we should stick to the plan and wait until I have graduated.”
“What do you want to do?”
“I’ve never been bothered about Uni. It’s just something I did because I thought I should. I’m not like you, I’m not trying to prove anything and I’m not trying to find myself. I did that the first day when I met you and Tristan.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
I take a moment and think about it, recalling last year when we all met and what her and Tristan were like, how he used to be mesmerised by her. When she lost the baby in January it nearly killed him.
Then I start to think about Ben, and about me letting him leave, even though I should have asked him to stay. Or how I should have been brave enough and gone with him. Uni would have waited. I met Ben that first day and my life changed as well. We just used to be together, even when we weren’t ‘together’ we were still one of the same. Now I am here and he is there and there is just empty space between us.
As I think of what to say
I suddenly realise what the big change is in me. I no longer feel empty on the inside just because he is not here.
I have no idea what that means.
“Come on let’s go home,” I announce.
“What about my lesson?”
“We can do it tomorrow, I think you need to go home and have a heart to heart with Tristan, and I think I may need to make a phone call.”
When we walk back through the door to the flat I leave Meredith and Tristan to have their little talk and I head off to my room with Kit to think through a few things for myself.
6th February
Midnight
“Just because I can live without you, doesn’t mean that I want to.”
Ben has picked up the phone and this is my opening line.
“Lilah? What are you talking about?”
“I want you to know, that just because I am here living my life without you and having fun doing it, does not mean for one minute that I do not miss you or that I no longer love you.”
It’s the only way to explain how I feel.
There is a moment of silence on the phone line.
“I’m kind of jealous of the life you live without me,” he tells me, his voice quiet.
“I miss you, Ben, but I know it was me who made you go and I’m willing to live with that if it means that you get all you deserve.”
“Lilah, I am only doing this for you.”
“I know.”
7th February
“We are getting married!” screeches Meredith as she lands on my bed.
“Oh, my God. What time is it?”
“Six.”
“What! You woke me up at six to tell me something that I already know!”
I try and pull the duvet up over my head but Meredith tugs it down from the other end.
“I tried to hold her back, believe me it would have been earlier,” says Tristan from the vicinity of the doorway. I can’t see him due to the battle of the duvet that is taking place.
Meredith gives up pulling my warm snug duvet down, and clambers onto the bed next to me.
Oh no. I can feel a trampoline moment coming on.
Yep, there she goes.
I give in and sit up.
“I thought you guys were already engaged.” I sigh a little pushing my haystack out of my face.
“We are, but we have set a date.”
This makes me sit up straighter.
“Really? Okay when is it and it had better give me enough time to lose weight beforehand!”
“September.” Meredith squeals at a supersonic pitch.
I stare at her. “Okay, I don’t want to be a party pooper but there is no way your dad is going to let you get married before you finish Uni.”
“Yeah, he is.” She bounces higher.
“How do you know?”
“Because I asked him last night,” Tristan says with a smirk.
“What? How and when? And why did no one call me so I could listen to you grovel?”
“Very funny. Now come on, let’s get dressed and go out for a celebratory breakfast.” Tristan grins at me and I feel my lips twitching to grin back.
“What about Uni?”
“Sod Uni, Delilah. Stop being such a bloody square. You are getting really boring.” Meredith frowns at me.
“I am not! I dispute that!”
I get up anyway. A celebratory breakfast with Tristan always involves champagne and I am all for that.
Then I stop and grab Meredith’s hand where she is bouncing on my bed.
“Are you sure Mer? He really is a frightful Arse.”
“I am still here you know,” Tristan points out unnecessarily.
I wave my hand at him.
“Don’t you want to get married to Ben and have a baby, Lilah?” Meredith asks.
Uh. Bad visual image of them making a baby. Fuck. I have got to find somewhere new to live.
I think about her question. I know I have been kind of expecting him to propose, which hasn’t actually happened yet. But I haven’t really connected that thought with the idea of actually getting married and then one day having a messy, gooey baby.
“Ugh, no, not really. Do you really want to have a baby straight away? That’s gross!”
Meredith looks at me like I am strange and well, maybe I am. I can’t think of anything worse than getting all fat and heaving a baby around for nine months and then having to look after it forever more.
“Probably a good thing,” Tristan mumbles. “You’d be a terrible mother. Look at that poor cat.”
“Kit is fine and loves me,” I state. “Where is he by the way?”
“I rest my case.”
8th February
Midnight
“So have you guy’s been celebrating?” Ben asks and the freckles crinkle a little.
“Jeez, you’d think they had only just got engaged.”
“Don’t be a bah humbug, Lilah. It’s exciting for them.”
I stick my tongue out and roll my eyes.
“Okay. You do realise I can see you on the camera.”
God. Curse Skype.
“We have celebrated twice!”
“Twice?” he asks with an arch of his eyebrow.
“Yeah. We had to do two things because Beth and Jayne wouldn’t come out together.”
“That sucks.”
“Well yes and no. Tristan had to fork out twice for champagne which makes it worthwhile.”
Ben does a little snort, which I think is ridiculously cute.
“So was it just the four of you?”
“Nah, Rich came to the second.”
It’s Ben’s turn to pull a face.
“You do know that I can see you.”
He pulls it more.
“I still think you’re sexy.”
“I hope so.” He chuckles a little and we stare at each other for a moment. I’m not sure why he is staring at me, maybe I have something on my face. But I am mesmerised by the blues.
“So what are you up to this weekend?”
“Oh you know, the usual.”
I have no idea what ‘the usual’ is but I don’t bother to say anything. This is a good conversation, best not ruin it.
Ben decides to do it instead with the dreaded V word.
“I hope Richard is not planning to take you out for Valentine’s Day, because then I will definitely have trouble keeping the green-eyed monster at bay.”
“I thought I was the green eyed monster in our relationship?”
“Seems we have had a role reversal and you’re now the calm one.”
Oh, how I have grown.
With a loud groan I realise what Ben has just said.
“You’ve just remembered Valentine’s Day haven’t you?”
“Man, that’s going to suck. It was bad enough last year.”
“What? I thought we had a great time.”
We both look at each other and then burst out laughing. Last year on Valentine’s Day I told Ben that we should just be best friends—not one of the wisest choices I ever made. It put our relationship back an entire month. That was a whole month of wasted sex time.
“I will be at home watching Mr Darcy again,” I tell him, which gets another chuckle.
“Perving more like.”
“Well I could, I guess, go out with Richard?”
“No, no. You are okay. Perv away,” he assures me with a smirk.
“What are you doing next week?”
“I have no idea but I have a feeling I will be enjoying a long, hot steamy date with my girlfriend.”
“What!?”