by Stahl, Shey
“What’s retarded?”
“I don’t know what I’m doing, did you?”
Another laugh, “Not really...have you had sex with her?”
All the color left his face instantly as he gaped at me in horror.
“I um...eh...what?” he stammered.
“Are you already having sex with her?” I asked again, trying to avoid any type of reaction that might scare him.
It took him a while but eventually he answered with a nod of his head.
“So...are you using protection?”
Again, he nodded. I could tell he wanted to ask me something but he was afraid. “Do you have any questions about it?”
His eyes that were fixated on the spring in his hand again slowly met mine.
“What was uh...your first time like?”
Wow, wasn’t expecting that question but the poor kid is looking for advice so I decided to be honest as I always was with him.
“My first time was conceivably a mistake and with the wrong girl.” I chuckled. “It was over pretty quick, I remember that much.”
“How old were you?”
“Seventeen, almost eighteen,”
“Do you think I’m too young?”
“Yes...and no...I know you love Lily and I know she loves you. I also know that she’s not in it for the fame, she’s a good girl for you.”
He smiled lightly. “I do love her.”
“That’s all that matters then, treat her right.”
After a few moments of silence, I thought my work here was done when he spoke again.
“Dad, um...is it normal not to last very long? Is that bad? Am I doing something wrong?”
“Oh it’s normal all right.” I chuckled. “It’s just not very pleasurable for the girl.”
“How do you know...last longer?”
“Dirty engine talking,”
“What?” he looked at me with a blank expression.
Jesus, shut up. I told myself.
It was clear right about then that I was in over my head.
Is this appropriate? I thought to myself.
Shit, where’s Sway when I need her? Or Spencer, I know he’s had to have had this conversation with Lane by now.
“Well,” I began still glancing around the room as though someone was going to rescue me at any moment. “With practice it gets easier to hold back. Listen,” I sighed. “I feel weird giving you advice about this sort of thing but I’d rather you get it from me than someone else, especially your moron uncles. How does Lily feel about this? Did you pressure her into this?”
“No,” he answered immediately. “Not at all...” His eyes once again sunk to the spring he was holding. “We were at Williams Grove a couple weeks ago when you guys were in Darlington...after the race Justin let us go out to get some dinner. When we got back, he had left us a note saying he’d be back later. I was ready to go to bed but Lily; she wanted to try having sex. She’s been wanting to for a while, she wanted me to be her first. We’ve done everything else so I thought it was time to do it.” He shrugged. “It was over in like a minute and I was embarrassed, really embarrassed. We tried it again a couple weeks later and the same thing. I know it’s supposed to be pleasurable for her but I can’t last long enough. Is that bad?”
Noticeably, I was not prepared for this. I was sweating worse than him now.
“Like I said, it gets easier to control yourself.” I choked out. “Axel, buddy you need to be careful, okay?” he only nodded. “You don’t want to be a dad this soon...everything you’ve worked for would be put on hold, you know that right?”
“I do, she’s on birth control and I used a condom.”
“Okay, well good,”
“Did you have sex with a lot of woman before you met mom?”
“What?” It was my turn for the color to drain from my face. “Axel, have you had sex before Lily?” I asked alarmed and feeling like a horrible parent for not knowing my son was sexually active.
His face turned a shade darker than his red sprint car. “I uh...shit.” He sighed.
“Damn kid,” I laughed. “I’m really late at this huh?”
“I wanted to tell you...but I thought you guys would be mad at me.”
“Why would we be mad at you?”
“I don’t know...I just thought you would be.”
“How many?”
I was almost afraid to know the answer now judging by my own background and I knew the way woman acted around race car drivers, let alone the kid and grandson of two well-known racers.
“Just one...you remember Shaylee, right?” I nodded remembering the girl in Ohio we met at the Chili Bowl earlier in the year. She reminded me of Chelsea and I distinctly remember warning Axel about her. “It was awful and she told everyone about it, including Lily.
“How’d Lily deal with that?”
“She cried...that’s the night we had sex for the first time.”
This was worse than I thought.
“Okay, so you slept with another chick and then told your girlfriend about it and took her virginity the same night you told her?” I slapped the back of his head. “What the fuck is the matter with you, taking lessons from me?”
“I hurt her...I felt awful. I don’t even know why I did it...I wanted it to be with Lily but she didn’t want to at the time, Shaylee did.”
“Think with your head kid, not your dick.”
He chuckled sarcastically. “Thanks for the late advice.”
“Hey,” I said defensively. “I had no idea you were sexually active, or wanting to be.”
“Really?” his eyebrow arched in question. “Are you retarded? Do you not even realize how much time I spend in the bathroom or touching Lily? I’m all over the poor girl. I think I remember you actually walking in on us.”
“Oh I saw...but I didn’t think you were acting on it. If I remember, your clothes were at least on.”
“It’s a little hard not to think about sex when girls throw themselves into your lap after races and Lily, well she’s innocent.” He groaned. “I can’t believe how bad I messed this up with her.”
“What do you mean? I saw you guys when I came inside.”
“I’m trying to convince her I love her and that I was sorry. I never meant to hurt her. It’s like the only reason she wanted to have sex with me was because she thought that’s what I wanted. This is so messed up and not what I need right now.”
“Story of my life...do you know how long it took for me to figure things out with your mom?”
He shook his head. “I met mom when I was eleven, completely infatuated with her but thought it was only physical attraction...anyway, we did the whole friends with benefits thing after I pretty much slept with every woman that was thrown my direction. Broke your mom’s heart and then finally when I was twenty-three, I wised up and realized how much I loved her.”
“So you slept around a lot.”
My turn to groan, “More that I care to admit; don’t do it by the way,”
“I don’t plan on it. Shaylee assured me of that. I didn’t feel anything but disgust afterwards.” He was silent for a few minutes. “What should I say to Lily?”
“For one, don’t lie to her, ever.” I warned. “They don’t like that. And don’t sleep around. If you’re serious about Lily, which I think you are, treat her right. Tell her how you feel and if she’s not ready to have sex anymore, don’t pressure her.”
“I didn’t, like I said dad, she practically attacked me!” he said defensively.
“Regardless, sex complicates things sometimes.”
“You’re telling me.”
“Don’t be stupid either. Keep using protection. I’m not ready to be a grandpa. I can’t even handle you three let alone another you running around.”
“Really?” he challenged. “It’s not me you need to worry about.”
He had a point there. Arie was the troublemaker and the fact that I thought she was an angel made it worse. Casten, well he could p
otentially be a problem as well but at his age, we still had time to steer him in another direction.
When I walked back inside the house, Sway was sitting on the kitchen floor with a bowl and a spoon eating fudge she’d just made before it settled. “Please tell me he’s not a man now?” she wailed, her tears mixing with the chocolate over her lips.
“I wouldn’t say he’s a man but...” I let my voice trail off trying to tell her without telling her.
“Oh god!” she cried out stuffing another spoon full of fudge in her mouth.
Sitting down beside her, she offered me a spoon full of fudge which I took. It’d been a rough day. “I probably should have talked to him sooner.”
“Go talk to Casten about it, right now!” she ordered.
“Honey, he’s twelve...I—”
She held up her hand. “You’re in no position to decide that, now are you?”
“Point taken,” I grumbled hoisting myself up from the tile floor. “But you’re talking to Arie about sex. I can’t do that.”
“I already have.”
“She just turned fourteen!”
“Yeah but it’s important. Besides, she was curious because Lexi started her period when we were shopping one day. It was a fucking disaster! I had to explain, she thought Lexi was dying.”
“You couldn’t just say that once a month you bleed?”
“I’d rather educate her on it.” she shrugged pouring hot water into the fudge bowl. I leaned against the counter and sighed. This parenting shit was hard exhausting work. “I mean, my dad just told me that he wasn’t qualified for that sort of thing. I ended up having to ask the kid behind the counter at the Texaco in town how to use the goddamn tampons.”
“Who the hell was the kid and why didn’t you ask my mom?”
She pushed me down the hall, “It doesn’t matter. Go talk to Casten.”
Let me tell you something about Casten. Everything is funny to him. He’s just like Sway in that regard but worse. It might not be funny at all, but Casten will laugh. When he was little, he used to think that if you screamed in pain, that was funny. So after my conversation with Axel, my wife’s nervous breakdown, and finding out my fourteen year daughter already knows about the align boring process, I wasn’t really in the mood to be talking about this with my twelve year old son, who would more than likely, laugh at me.
Casten was outside with Cole and Lane setting up new jumps for their dirt bikes.
He wanted to show me a new jump they made so we walked toward the back of the property while Lane and Cole continued with the track and found Tommy with a spray bottle in his hand walking along the edge of the track looking over ruts that were forming.
“Why are you sweating?” Casten asked kicking dirt around.
“It’s hot out here.”
“No it’s not. It’s like sixty.”
“It is too hot.” I stopped walking and looked over at him. “I need to talk to you about something.”
His eyes widened in panic. “I told her I’d buy her a phone.”
“What?”
“Arie...I told her I’d replace her phone.” His eyes scrunched. “Wait a second, what did she tell you?”
“Nothing but now I want to know. What did you do to her phone?”
“Nothing,” he laughed lightly before tossing the rock he’d picked up and sat down on the bleachers we installed last summer.
“Bullshit.” I sat next to him and leaned back.
He held out his hand for money.
“I don’t think so. You’re not five any longer and you cuss worse than I do.”
He smiled. “What did you want to talk about?”
I thought about my approach for a moment.
Tommy was out on the track with the boys before he fell down and then just laid there and looked up at the sky as though that was a comfortable spot to lay. Only problem was he was right under the double jump they had out there. That’s when he brought the spray bottle to his mouth again.
“I’m beginning to think that spray bottle is not water.”
Casten tipped his head as if he was looking closer. “Nope. It’s vodka.”
I nodded and then decided on my speech for my youngest.
“So, um, well...I...have you had the birds and the bees talk in school?”
Like I expected, he started laughing.
“Geez dad, you look like you’re about to have a heart attack.” He laughed again before I pushed him off the bleachers.
He landed on his ass, still laughing.
“Don’t have an aneurysm.” He chuckled.
“Just answer the question.” I huffed wanting to end this.
Casten loved fucking with people. He lived for it.
“Birds n’ bees, huh?” he smirked. “I’m not sure I know that term.”
He wanted me to say it and I refused to. But then again I’d be here all night if I didn’t.
“Sex, do you know about it or not?”
Once again, he laughed.
“Was that so hard?” he teased.
“If you want to continue living in my house, you’ll stop making fun of me.” I snapped.
He thought this over for a moment.
“Fine,” His amused eyes met mine briefly before his cheeks flushed. “And yeah...Lane told me. Logan may have said something once too.”
This could be bad. “And what did he tell you?”
“He said...uh that you do it when you love someone.”
“Anything else?”
“Yeah...always wear a condom,”
“Good.”
I’d have to thank Lane and Logan for this one. I couldn’t understand why this was so hard for me but easy for him. I mean, Christ, he’s twelve. My parents never had this conversation with me. I walked in on Spencer and a girl when I was twelve and put a few things together from there but anything else I learned from his porno stash and health class. I guess I thought my kids would do the same.
“You’re not having sex, are you?”
He gave me this blank stare.
“I know you’re eleven...or twelve...or whatever.” I ran the heel of my hands over my eyes. “I just want to make sure you’re safe.”
“Just so you know my real age, dad, I’m twelve.” He replied looking up at me as though I was completely crazy.
“So that’s a no?”
“That’s disgusting.” He shook his head and side-eyed me. “I’m not going to have sex. I don’t even like girls.”
“Come talk to me when you’re fourteen and I guarantee that will change.”
“Doubt that.”
“I think I’ll bet you on that. I bet you five hundred dollars by the time you’re fourteen, you’ll spend the majority of your time in the bathroom.”
“Why, will I be constipated or something?”
“No, you’ll be distracted by something.”
“Well then I will stay eleven...or...twelve.” He acted as though this would not be a problem. “And deal on the five hundred. I could use some extra cash these days.”
I laughed. “Now back to Arie’s phone...”
“Shit,” he muttered with another laugh.
Sway freaked out about Axel being sexually active. She knew after my conversations with her but the dumbass got careless and left his bedroom door unlocked one afternoon that summer. Needless to say, Sway walked in on them. I was on my way home from Sonoma when she called crying while eating ice cream.
“What did he say?” I asked when she told me.
“Nothing,” her voice muffled by the full mouth of ice cream. “He didn’t notice me. I saw and immediately closed the door. I didn’t want to see any more than I already had. At least they had blankets on them, this could have been worse.”
“I’ll talk to him.”
“Okay...when will you be home tonight?”
“Around six, I’ll talk to him then.”
I managed to get her off the phone after that and decided to call Axel on my way home. He was
on his way to Lernerville with Tommy.
“Hey dad, what’s up?”
“You’re mom walked in on you and Lily.” I had no intention of sugar coating it for him. He needed to learn about these things.
He chuckled casually. “That sucks for me, huh?”
“Pretty much,”
“Sorry.” He offered.
“Just lock your door kid. No one wants to see that, especially your mom.”
“Noted,”
“It better be more than noted buddy, more like remembered.”
“All right, lock the door.”
“Good, now how was Grand Rapids on Wednesday...you took first in the Silver Crown and midgets, right?”
“Yeah, something is missing with the sprint program. We’re forty points out of the lead behind Shane and I just don’t see what we’re doing wrong.”
We got onto talking about racing after that and I gave him what pointers I had. More than anyone on this, Tommy was where the brains were—hints why he was always with Axel these days.
When I got home that night, Sway was crying over her children growing up. Casten, who faithfully said goodnight to Sway, went to bed without saying anything to her when he got home from his midget race.
“Let’s have another baby?” she said to me as we laid in bed that night.
“No, I don’t think so.” I told her firmly rolling away from her. “I’ll get you a puppy.”
“Not the same.”
“Sure it is. And best of all, they don’t talk back.”
I had a feeling this wasn’t over but for now, she fell asleep. Poor Sway hated the kids getting older and becoming adults, especially with the boys. She wanted to baby them.
I knew how she felt—I hated it as well. I missed the times when they were babies and learning to speak. Now they talked back, I could live without that.
Panhard Bar – Sway
“Let’s get away for the weekend.”
“Get away? You’re kidding right?” he threw his arms up and papers scattered across his desk with the motion. “Do you not see all this shit?”
“I see it.” My voice was timed trying not to set him off any more. “I just think you need a break.”