by Tina Donahue
The moment the words left Toni’s mouth, she saw disbelief flaring in Zach’s eyes.
His voice sounded gritty, confused. “You didn’t run away? Bauchmann didn’t—” He stopped abruptly, his gaze turning inward. “I read—that is, I thought—” Halting again, he looked at her, horror in his eyes. “You were told to leave your home when you were only a kid?”
Toni swallowed. Memories returned from that horrible day, the anger, then indifference on her mother’s face.
“How could she have done that?” Zach asked, pain lacing his voice.
Fresh tears filled Toni’s eyes. Her mouth trembled. “I don’t blame her.”
He stared as though she should.
“You don’t understand,” Toni said, trying to explain. “She’d had it tough growing up in foster care. By the time she was eighteen, she’d lived in twenty different homes. It made her afraid to share anyone’s love. When my father was still alive, she wanted him all to herself. She saw me as competition, not her daughter.”
Zach looked ill. “Oh my god.”
“It wasn’t all bad,” Toni blurted. “My dad was a good guy. Whenever my mom was on trips with her friends, he’d do stuff with me…fishing, camping, sports events. Stuff my mom didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to do it either,” she admitted, her voice catching, making her next words jump. “I never even liked any of that junk, but it was my only chance to be with him.”
“I’m so sorry,” Zach said, his voice soft.
Her lower lip trembled. “I still miss him.” Barely contained anguish rasped her voice. “When he passed, my mom fell apart even more than I did. She’d always needed someone to take care of her, so I promised that I would.”
“You were only a kid.”
Toni wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands, then stared at her unpolished nails. Curling her fingers into fists, she hid them and spoke in a barely audible voice. “I didn’t mind. I would have done anything for her, just so she’d love me. And she started to for a little while.” Her shoulders shook as she suppressed a sob, her voice shaking with it. “We did things together. We talked. She depended upon me for almost a year. And then she met Joe.”
With his name, Toni took a step back, instinctively trying to distance herself from what had happened. Ruthlessly, it remained, hounding her.
“What happened?” Zach asked.
She shook her head, having said too much already, details only Belle and Lucky knew. Returning to the bed, she resumed packing so she could head for the next town, hopefully another job, then get her bike out of impound and leave for the circuit.
Zach crossed the room to her. He eased the tank top from her hands. “What happened?” he repeated, his voice low, his anger barely controlled. “What did he do to you?”
A shiver tore through her. She moved away from him. Arms crossed over her chest, Toni held her elbows in her palms to keep from shaking. “Nothing.” Her voice wobbled. “I wouldn’t let him.”
Zach reduced the distance between them. Again, Toni backed away. “It’s over,” she said, trying to make her voice light. “Completely forgotten.”
“It’s killing you. It stole your adolescence and future.”
She shook her head to refute it, even as tears streamed down her face. “I’m okay. I can take care of myself.”
“Why should you have to?”
Toni turned her face away.
Zach begged, “Talk to me, please. Tell me how I can help.”
“You can’t. It’s too late. He—” She stopped, struggling for breath.
“What?” Zach murmured.
Toni wanted to run, but couldn’t move. Years of uncertainty, loneliness and loss came crashing down, the cockiness she’d tried so hard to maintain fading like smoke, leaving her too young again, vulnerable. In a small voice, she said, “When he came into our lives nothing was ever the same.” She looked at Zach, then away, shamed by the past.
“It’s okay,” Zach said.
Toni shook her head. She hadn’t wanted him to know any of this. It was easier for her to lie, evade, pretend she was something she hadn’t been for a very long time. Loved. Cherished.
Now, it was too late. The investigator had stripped away the last of Toni’s pride, leaving her with nothing but the truth. Swiping tears from her eyes, she said, “I don’t want you thinking less of me.”
Zach’s boots slapped the floor as he went to her. “I won’t. I couldn’t.”
“You don’t know what happened,” she said, her voice weary. “You have no idea what kind of man Joe is. At first, he was super nice, taking an interest in my school activities. He asked me to watch sports with him like I did with my dad. He said one day we could go camping, and—”
Her words stopped on a wrenching sob at a time she’d never wanted to revisit. Uncrossing her arms, she held up her hand to keep Zach from touching her. She couldn’t risk his comfort. It was too precious. Having his compassion for a few moments more only to lose it would make things that much harder.
Zach lowered his hands, his fingers tightening into fists. “What happened? What did he do?”
Toni’s shoulders trembled. “He started to come around the house when my mom was out. At first, I didn’t think it was weird. He just talked about my schoolwork, helping me with math and science.”
Wrapping her arms back around herself, she spoke even faster. “Then one night when my mom was at her weekly book club, he showed up. I was telling him about a pop quiz I’d passed. He acted like it was the best news he’d ever heard, then he slipped his arm around my waist and hugged me. I froze. I didn’t want him touching me, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings either. I was afraid he’d tell my mom and she’d be angry with me. Before I knew what was happening, he started kissing me and feeling me up.”
Zach’s jaw tightened.
Toni’s own confusion and horror returned so viciously, she got nauseous. Swallowing the salty fluid at the base of her throat, she spoke again, her voice agonized. “I pushed him away, but he kept coming at me. Finally, I screamed for him to stop. I punched his chest. I told him I was going to tell my mom.”
Tell anyone you want, he’d said, his remembered voice assaulting Toni’s mind, his tone amused, the smile on his face mean. No one will believe you. You’re just a stupid kid. I’m a decorated cop.
Bringing her shoulders to her ears, she continued, “He told me if I said anything to anyone, he’d see to it that I paid. He could easily convince any court that I was an out-of-control kid. He could have me locked away until I was twenty-one. He warned that I better do exactly what he wanted or he’d make my life a living hell.”
Shivering at the memory, Toni tightened her arms around herself. “After his threat, he smiled like nothing had happened and left. I didn’t know what to do. What he’d done and said seemed surreal, so different than how he’d acted before, I wondered if I’d imagined it. When my mom came home, I didn’t tell her anything. I wasn’t certain how to begin or how she’d react.
“Weeks passed. School was over for the year. During that time, Joe only came by when my mom was there. He acted like nothing had happened. He behaved as he had before. I started to relax, thinking maybe I had overreacted, maybe he hadn’t said the things he did.”
Her breath caught. She struggled to fill her lungs. Zach stepped closer, then immediately retreated the same distance, his expression saying he didn’t know what to do.
His indecision, his worry over adding to her distress made Toni love him even more. A foolish and useless reaction, just like her hope that her mother would someday want her. As her memories persisted, she continued, “Two months after he’d tried to kiss me, he showed up at the house again when my mother was gone, using the key she’d given him. I was in the shower and hadn’t heard him come inside. When I opened the bathroom door, wearing only a towel, he was in the hall with his shirt off.”
The recollection wrenched a low moan from Toni, a sound of feral pain. “I slammed the door and
turned the lock. He laughed—this low nasty sound. He said I was far too modest. That he’d show me what a real man could do, how he could make me come so hard I wouldn’t be able to get enough of it.”
Gaze turned inward, Toni relived what happened next, her voice scared, whispery. “I sank to the floor, huddling against the wall with my knees to my chest and my hands over my ears, but I could still hear him. He told me he’d asked my mom to marry him and she’d said yes. In a few months, he’d be living in the same house, that I wouldn’t be able to get away from him then.
“I kept crying. To keep him from hearing me, I pressed my face into my shoulder. Finally, he got really pissed and ordered me to come out. If I didn’t, he said he’d tell my mom I came on to him. That she’d believe him over me. That no one—not the cops, court or anyone else—would take my word over his. He said I could make it easy on myself and have a good time or he’d do everything in his power to hurt me.”
Zach’s fists tightened, blanching his fingers. His chest heaved with his strained breaths.
Swallowing, Toni continued on a shaky sigh. “When he finally stopped talking, I wasn’t certain if he’d left or if he was waiting for me in the hall. I stayed in the bath for hours, too afraid to say anything or come out. It was only when I heard the front door slam and my mom’s voice that I ran downstairs, sobbing.”
At the awful pictures playing in her mind, Toni squeezed her eyes tight. She tried to stop crying, but couldn’t. “I told my mother what Joe had done and begged her not to marry him. When she didn’t say anything, I told her how he’d kissed me a few weeks back and felt me up, warning me what would happen if I told her or anyone else.”
Toni’s lids squeezed tighter. She pulled her arms into herself. “While I was still talking, she slapped my face. She called me a liar. I backed away from her, but she grabbed my arm and hit me again, accusing me of having stolen my father from her and that I was doing the same thing with Joe, wanting to ruin her happiness. She said Joe had already told her he’d caught me with drugs and that I was getting out of control.
“I tried to tell her it was all lies, that I’d never taken any drugs. I hadn’t even had any booze with my friends, but she wouldn’t listen to me. She said Joe had shown her the drugs he’d found in my knapsack. Because he loved her, he promised not to turn me in. We’d have a talk instead and he’d straighten me out. She said it obviously hadn’t worked and that the drugs were making me lie and say these terrible things about him. She told me I deserved to be in juvy hall and that if I didn’t get out of her house, she’d call the authorities herself.”
Toni’s pulse quickened at the memory, weakening her legs and voice. “I begged her not to throw me out. She was the only relative I had. There were no grandparents or aunts and uncles. I had no place to go. She said I should have thought of that before I caused so much trouble.
“She went up to my room. I ran after her crying and begging. She threw some of my things into a duffel bag I had, one I’d used for sleepovers at my friends’ houses. She told me to get dressed and get out or she’d call Joe to make certain I did.”
Toni paused to swallow, her body racked by heartache so fierce every part of her hurt. Opening her eyes, she saw the pain on Zach’s face, his unshed tears.
He cleared his throat. It didn’t erase the emotion from his voice. “Where did you go?”
Averting her gaze, she tried for an indifferent tone that came out far too sad. “That first night I stayed at my best friend’s house. I didn’t tell her what had happened. I was too ashamed and afraid. I thought if she told her mom, Joe would find out and he’d have me arrested for drugs. During the remainder of the summer, I stayed with my friends, lying to their parents about my mom being on a vacation with Joe. That she didn’t want me in the house by myself. Eventually, though, I had to leave.”
Toni’s mouth trembled with grief. Her breathing sounded too loud. “I didn’t know who would believe me over Joe, so I was afraid to go to any of my friends’ parents, and talking to my teachers was out of the question. It wasn’t like I could go back to school. I didn’t have any clothes to wear or money for tuition. I started to hang out with some older kids who were homeless like me. They said I could make some cash working at a fair that was in town. There’d be food to eat and a place to stay at night.
“Three days later, I met Belle and Lucky. When I asked if I could do some odd jobs for them so I could buy something to eat and pay for a place to stay, they let me sleep in their trailer. They shared their meals with me.” Toni smiled sadly, more tears stinging her eyes. When she spoke again, love filled her voice. “Not once did they judge. Nor did they threaten to call the police or social services. Neither of them trusted the authorities. They asked if I had a place to go after the fair left. When I told them I didn’t, they said I could come with them if I wanted. They’d help me all they could.”
Toni returned to her saddlebag, her tears quieting, her voice weary. “A year later, I came back with them to Seattle for the same fair. The city was just as I remembered it and so different too.” Her gaze turned inward, her tone became wistful. “On the second night we were in town, I went back to my house. I really thought things would have changed, that my mom would have missed me.”
She swallowed and cleared her throat before continuing. “I was trying to get enough courage to ring the bell, when the dining room light came on. Through the side window, I saw her and Joe putting out plates for their dinner.” Toni recalled her mother’s radiant smile, how she touched Joe’s arm and laughed at whatever he’d said. “I could see she was really happy. No matter what I had hoped, she didn’t want me to return. So, I didn’t. I never saw her or my house again.”
Buckling her saddlebag, Toni hauled it and her jacket off the mattress and grabbed her helmet’s strap. “You have my general delivery address in Texas. Please send my last check there.”
“Toni, wait.”
Before Zach could stop her or she was foolish enough to stay and hope for his love, Toni left the bedroom and bolted for the stairs.
She was halfway down the flight by the time Zach got to the landing, his leg throbbing from his quick strides, his voice raised, “You don’t have to go!”
Stopping at the bottom, she kept her back to him. “I don’t want your pity, Zach. I won’t accept your charity.”
“I’m not offering it. I don’t want you to go.”
She went to the front door, opening it.
“Dammit, Toni, I love you!”
The door clicked behind her. Teeth clenched, Zach hurried down the stairs, white hot pain streaking from his thigh to his hip and chest. Panting, he yanked open the door.
She’d stopped in the middle of the porch, her head turned to his pickup, her cycle propped on its bed…the reason he’d gone to the sheriff’s department. Once he got the courage to confess his love, he’d wanted to give her a means to escape if she didn’t feel as strongly about him.
Unwilling to let her flee before he could tell her again how he felt, Zach came outside and pleaded, “Please don’t run away. My leg’s so fucked up, I don’t know if I could catch you.”
At the raw agony in his voice, she turned, her face scrunched with new tears, gaze dropping to his thigh. She released her things, the saddlebag and helmet whacking the porch. Fingers to her mouth, she quieted her mewling sob.
Zach risked a step toward her, his knee and thigh burning. Swallowing hard, he spoke as gently as he could. “I don’t want you to go, Toni. Please don’t. I love you.”
Eyes widened, she pressed her fingers against her lips and shook her head.
His heart fell. Sorrow urged Zach to go inside, to escape the intense pain her further rejection would bring. A greater part of him couldn’t leave her side. “I’d hoped you wanted me as much as I want—”
Interrupting, Toni cried through her fingers, “You love Meg. I’m not anything like her, Zach.”
“Oh sweetheart, I don’t want you to be. You’re more than
I ever hoped for.” He went to her, but didn’t dare touch. Sagging against the post, he breathed hard, taking the weight off his bad leg.
Toni reached out to touch it, then snatched back her hand. “Are you okay?”
“I will be if you’ll just listen to me.” He swallowed again and spoke quickly. “My feelings for you don’t have anything to do with Meg. Nor is it because I’m pitying you or offering charity. Believe me, I’m not. I couldn’t be more selfish about this—I love you so fucking much it’s making me crazy.”
He paused to gulp air, then continued before she could interrupt. “You didn’t read all of the investigator’s report. Months ago, the authorities arrested Bauchmann on a series of molestation charges. He’s awaiting trial as he should have been before he did anything to you.”
Zach hesitated, then added, “Sad to say, your mother’s still supporting his innocence. But your father did love you, Toni. He left you a trust fund. With the accrued interest, it’s over a hundred thousand dollars. You don’t need my charity. Hell, you don’t need anyone’s.”
She stared, not saying anything, her expression unbelieving.
“All you have to do is claim it,” he explained. “You can use some of it to go to college and become whatever you want. Or you can give the money to Belle and Lucky. Whatever you decide, you don’t have to return to the circuit. If you can manage it, I’d like you to stay here with me and give me a chance to be your family.”
Her lower lip quivered. She looked at her cycle, her expression confused as to why he had it.
“Before you left the shop and came here, I’d planned to tell you how I felt,” he said. “I wanted to give you an out, a means of escape if you didn’t want to stay, so I picked up your cycle.” He softened his voice further, allowing his love to speak for him. “All I ask is that you’re happy, Toni. I’ll accept whatever you decide.”
Weeping quietly, she moved into him, her arms wreathing his neck.
Zach’s eyes clouded with tears. Gently, tenderly, he held her close.