He stopped talking, and though he didn’t cry, Ella could see his Adam’s apple move as if he were swallowing back the emotion. Ella rubbed his shoulder, kissing his arm and trying desperately to be strong for him, but her own heart was breaking for him now too.
Felix cleared his throat, attempting to talk. He was able to, but Ella could hear the strain in his voice. “Gio stuck around longer than he’d originally planned to. When it became clear that this was more serious than they initially thought, he said he was staying longer. He was the only one there with us in the NICU the day the alarm on the machine went off and the nurses and doctors rushed in and whisked him away. I swear to God”—he stopped, pressing his lips together tightly for a moment—“it may as well have been my heart that stopped because that’s how it felt. We waited for an agonizing eternity, but it was actually only an hour that he was in emergency surgery. I was so scared,” he whispered, shaking his head. “Never in my life had I prayed so much and so hard.”
He set the photo down and then hugged her again tightly, inhaling deeply. He didn’t cry anymore, but just like when she’d held her brother the night he cried so bitterly about Sonia being raped, Ella could still feel Felix’s profound pain. He’d been carrying an ache around all this time. She wished she had the power to take all his hurt away, at the very least have the wisdom to say something that would lessen it. But she had nothing, so she continued to hold him silently.
When he was finally able to go on, they moved into the den where they sat down and she coaxed him into lying next to her with his head on her lap. She massaged his scalp gently as he told her about how the baby had died in surgery. Shelley’s family had all been there, but Gio had once again been the only one of Felix’s friends or family with him when they got the news and even held him when he’d cried like a baby.
He sat up suddenly, looking as drained as he sounded, and Ella could only imagine what it’d been like for him then. If just reliving it now brought on so much sorrow, she cringed to think what he’d gone through then. She didn’t think his story could get any more heartbreaking, but then he went on.
“Jordan’s death was something that bonded Shelley and me in a way that I thought could never break.” She saw how his expression went hard, and that’s when she knew she’d been right about there being more to his pain. “I knew as much as my family and friends hurt for me that no one else but Shelley knew exactly what I was feeling, and she said the same thing. We’d forever share the most horrific experience of our lives, losing our son. But we were both still in agreement that his short life and what he’d gone through would not play out in the tabloids, so we didn’t even give him my name. We filed everything under her mom’s maiden name—even the death certificate. That’s why there’s been little to nothing ever written about it. It’s how we both wanted it.”
Ella tried to get him to lie back down, but he’d gone from hurt and vulnerable to tense—almost mad. She settled for just holding his hand and rubbing her other hand over his as he continued, his tone going a bit hard.
“For weeks afterward, talking to her on the phone and seeing her when I went to visit her were the only things that got me through the day sometimes.” He turned to Ella as if he really needed her to understand this part. “Before Jordan was born, we never said we were seeing each other, but we’d begun to hold hands. I’d kissed her a few times, but it was such a tender time, such an atypical situation, and I knew I’d fucked up royally with her already. I wanted to be there for her but not push for anything more. Not yet. I knew she was wary of things between her and me ever working. Then our baby didn’t make it.” He looked away, and Ella saw his big strong jaw tighten. “She never told me that, when she’d gone back to live with her parents but before I started coming to visit, she’d reconnected with her childhood sweetheart. She hadn’t seen him since she’d moved to Chicago, and even though I’d started coming around to visit, it was only around her doctor appointment dates. I was training, promoting, and busy all the time, but I did make time for the appointments, and I kept in touch on the phone and texted. The whole time she and her ex were reconnecting.”
He stood up as if he couldn’t sit anymore, and Ella looked up at him, wondering if she should stand too or stay put. She decided for the moment she’d stay put.
“I’d set aside the months after Jordan’s expected birthdate way before she was due. I told Andy not to schedule me for anything. I was gonna take at least six months off of everything to devote myself to my son and to try to work on the relationship with Shelley. As the weeks went by after Jordan’s death, I thought I’d imagined her distancing herself from me. But I told myself I was being paranoid. Then a few weeks later, she emailed me.” He stopped the pacing he’d begun again to stop and look at Ella. “Fucking emailed me. This long ass email to explain why she didn’t think things would ever work between her and me. Our worlds were too different, and she and her ex were getting back together.”
The pain in his eyes was now accompanied by a heat. She’d seen that heat when Felix had caught up to her in the stairwell and had seen her tears the day Grayson showed up at 5th Street, making her jump out of the car.
“That’s when I knew it was all karma biting me back in the ass,” he said louder now—angrier. “Everything. All of it was my fault! I’d brought it on myself: Bianca and Gio betraying me, Shelley wanting me out of her life, Jordan—”
“Stop!” Ella jumped off the sofa to her feet. Her heart pounded, aching for him but at the same time angry that he would think such a thing. “How could you think for even a second that you’re to blame for his death?”
“Because I am! What goes around comes around. I’d been a total selfish asshole, never once taking into account the feelings of any of those women I was ever with. I’d hurt people.”
“Not like that! You told me yourself you never promised any girl anything until Bianca.” She reminded him. “All those women knew the risks they were taking. Besides, God doesn’t work that way!”
“I didn’t say God. I said karma.”
He sounded enraged with himself now, but Ella still saw the pain in his eyes.
“So everybody that loses someone or gets hurt deserves it?” Felix began to say something but then seemed to catch himself. “Bad things happen to good people too, Felix.”
He reached out and touched her face. “In your case, yes, sweetheart, but in mine—”
“No!” she said with even more conviction. “No one deserves to go through the pain of losing a loved one, but that’s life. What happened to you was tragic, but it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t bring that on yourself. If you wanna blame Bianca’s and Shelley’s turning on you on karma, then that’s up to you. I personally don’t think that’s fair to Gio for you to think the only reason Bianca fell in love with him, married him, and had his child was just to spite you.”
He shook his head stubbornly. “She didn’t do it. I did it. She fell in love with him because I didn’t deserve her.”
“And you deserve me?”
That silenced him, and he stared at her, breathing hard. Ella hadn’t even noticed how worked up even she’d gotten because now she too stood there in front of him attempting to slow her accelerated breathing.
“Probably not,” he finally whispered.
She reached out to him and took his hand. “Honey, the guilt you’re feeling over your lifestyle, your success, and your wealth isn’t fair.” She brought his open palm to the side of her face and leaned her cheek against the warmth of his hand. “I think you deserve to be able to enjoy what you worked so hard for. All those women you think you hurt . . . If you really didn’t promise any of them anything like you say you didn’t, they went into it, knowing full well not to expect anything. And let me tell you I know they got something out of it too. The whole Bianca thing . . .” She shrugged. “So you made a mistake. It cost you dearly and you learned from it. Move on. And Shelley? You did try to make it right. Everything happens for a reason. Things d
idn’t work out for you with her because she wasn’t the one.”
For the first time since they’d talked about his enormous dinner—the one he didn’t even touch—he smiled. “Are you the one for me, Ella?”
She smiled, feeling a little choked up suddenly. Was this impossibly gorgeous man with such a broken soul and gentle, ready-to-love heart really asking her this? “I hope so,” she whispered.
“I know you’re the one for me,” he said, pulling her to him. “I think I felt it that first night we met.” He kissed her gently. “Now I just have my work cut out for me to prove to you that I’m the one for you.”
Glad that, for now, it seemed the heart-wrenching subject of his deceased baby was over, Ella wrapped her arms around his neck, smiling at the feel of his big arms wrapping around her tightly. “I don’t think that’s gonna be so hard to do.”
~*~
Felix
As usual Ella was right. It wouldn’t be easy nor would it happen overnight, but Felix was going to have to do his best to shake the guilt. Logically, Felix knew he hadn’t brought on the death of his son. He’d just been so happy the day he was born it really did feel too good to be true. That he and Shelley had created Jordan was nothing short of a miracle. It was completely mind-boggling.
And then that miracle was gone.
The feeling that he’d never deserved to feel something so amazing was all he’d thought of while his son was in surgery, so, of course, when they’d been delivered the news that Jordan hadn’t made it, it was all he could think—Felix had never deserved something so amazing in his life.
But what Ella pointed out was true. What about her? As far as he knew, she’d never done anything to deserve losing her sister and mother. What about her father and brother? What did they do to deserve the tragedies they’d endured or her mother for that matter? What did that poor woman do to deserve to have her own baby girl die in her arms so senselessly?
Felix was done playing the martyr. He had every right to enjoy his life. He’d earned this. It was still a little hard to believe he’d earned and deserved Ella, but here she was.
Sliding in and out of her slowly, Felix wanted to savor every moment of this. Ella had willingly given herself to him. She wanted this as much as he did, and this wasn’t something she’d given into overnight. So he knew her decision to be here with him hadn’t been on a whim. She knew how different their lives were, that getting this relationship right likely wouldn’t be easy, and still here she was.
He buried himself even deeper inside her, needing her to feel what he was feeling. She moaned, spreading her legs wider for him. Even last night when their night had been far less emotional leading up to their time in the library, he’d felt what he was feeling right then. He had never needed to own someone like he did Ella. Own her like she already owned him.
But he needed to be careful. Saying things like that to her might drive her away. She was different from any girl he’d ever met. She wouldn’t put up with the raging possessive caveman instincts he’d begun to feel when she was in his arms, let alone under him as she was now.
From the moment he first held her hand, felt the touch of her skin against his, it had been building. His need to make her his was irrepressible from the very beginning but especially after he’d gotten to know her better. Then he’d kissed her and he knew—she’d be his.
Last night he’d done just that, and tonight he was confirming it. Even if he did try to deny it, which he wasn’t, his body and soul had claimed her. She was his. Ella belonged to Felix now. He could try to fight the possessive instincts all he wanted, but he already knew it was how his heart felt and there’d be no changing that.
Ella had made one thing clear. You didn’t tell a girl like her you’d just claimed her. She’d likely protest, so he’d show her instead. He sped up, feeling the imminent explosion coming as he sucked her neck hard—feeling that untamed possessive instinct take over. Her body trembled underneath his, and it was all he could do to slow it down and make this last longer, but he’d already taken it as slowly as he could, driving deeper and deeper into her every time.
Raising himself to his knees, he pulled his upper body away, spread her legs wider, lifting her behind in the air so he could be inside her as deep as possible. He smiled as she cried out with pleasure. Driving into her faster and harder even as he felt her coming, he continued to ram her hard, grunting each time he thrust in. Ella cried out, squirming in bliss until he buried himself deeply in her one last time. He moaned loudly as he came inside her, his entire body feeling not just the normal ecstasy of such an amazing climax but an enormous satisfaction like he felt last night. Something he didn’t remember feeling with anyone else.
He fell onto her, gently kissing her softly, and then let her finish catching her breath. After slowly doing just that for a few moments, she turned to look at him and smiled, touching his lips with her fingers. Her eyes twinkled. “I’m gonna be sore,” she whispered, “but, God, that was so worth it.”
Kissing her fingers, he thought about that for a moment and wondered how many times she’d actually been with Grayson if sex still left her sore. He closed his eyes for a moment then squeezed them a little tighter as the thought of her with Grayson—with anyone else—lit his insides.
“Something wrong?” she asked.
Felix’s eyes flew open and he smiled. “No,” he said, shaking his head slowly, “not at all.” He leaned in and kissed her gently, stroking her bottom lip with his tongue, and then smiled when he felt her tremble. “Everything’s perfect,” he whispered against her lips then stroked her bottom once again. Once again her body reacted in the same way. “Just perfect.”
Maybe he couldn’t tell her she belonged to him now, but he sure as shit would be making it clear to anyone who tried to argue that she didn’t.
Chapter 17
Nellie glanced up from the front reception area as Felix walked into 5th Street. She’d just dropped off a package with the girl sitting behind the desk. Nellie looked Felix over very obviously then smiled politely before walking away.
“One down,” he said in a hushed voice as he approached the desk slowly.
Kelsey, the girl behind the desk, had never been good about being discreet when she gawked at him. This time she barely glanced at him before looking back down at her phone. Felix smiled, feeling very accomplished. But he did make note that her ditzy ass didn’t bother asking him for proof of his membership. He walked right by her like nothing.
The big test would be Ella. He walked through the gym and up the escalators for the first time ever not being stopped by anyone. A few girls did turn their heads, but he couldn’t be sure if it was because they recognized him, or if maybe they were just checking him out.
When he got to the door of Ella’s class, he peeked in through the window on the door. She stood off to the side talking to Sonia. She’d called him back this morning, when he texted her asking for her address, to tell him she’d been called into cover for Sonia, who was going to be late. So she asked him to just meet her there instead.
Felix held the doorknob for a second, afraid to go in. He was going to feel really stupid if someone recognized him, so he hesitated for a moment.
“You looking for someone?” He turned to face Abel, who walked toward him with Nellie.
Nellie whispered something to Abel as they approached him. Felix tried not to smirk at Abel’s suspicious glare. “I’m here for the class,” he said, trying to disguise his voice.
Abel looked him over from top to bottom with a scowl. “The self-defense class?” he asked incredulously. “You need to sign up for . . .” Felix laughed when he saw Abel’s scowl morph into a confused expression. “Felix?”
Nellie’s jaw dropped. “What?”
Felix brought a finger to his mouth. “Don’t blow it,” he said quickly in a lowered voice as someone walked out of the class and past them. Felix held the door open.
“What are you doing?” Abel asked, lowering his v
oice as well.
“We’re going to Disneyland today, and I don’t wanna be mobbed all day, so I had friend of mine, this Hollywood makeup artist I know, hook me up.”
“Wow, that’s good,” Nellie said, smiling big.
“You look like a thug,” Abel added. “It’s why she came and got me. She thought you were gonna rob the place or something.”
Felix laughed. “Is that why you looked at me like you did? I figured with a goatee, this mustache, and a hoodie, I’d look like just another East L. A. thug.”
“Those dark-ass sunglasses make you look even more suspicious,” Abel said with a frown, “especially indoors. Don’t go getting shot.”
Felix assured them he wouldn’t. “Go in,” Nellie said, smiling. “I wanna see if she recognizes you.”
Both Abel and Nellie waited outside. “Don’t let her see you,” Felix whispered. “She’ll know something’s up.”
Some of the girls in the class turned and looked at him as he walked in but not like they normally did, just as anyone would when someone walks in a class that’s already in session. They quickly turned back to the cop who Felix could only assume was a guest speaker. Felix looked him over, glad it wasn’t Grayson, who Ella said volunteered occasionally to come in and speak. The guy talking now was giving the group the latest alarming statistics of the violence in this area, telling them why their taking this class was such a good thing, and urging them to get friends and family to do the same.
Felix brought his attention to Ella, who was reading something now on her phone. She looked up and did a double take when she saw him. He saw those cute little brows of hers come together slowly; then her mouth dropped open and she smiled, bringing her hand over her mouth. Okay, maybe he wasn’t fooling everyone.
Something about her recognizing him so instantly warmed him. Unlike Kelsey, Nellie, and even Abel, it was as if Ella would know him anywhere. He brought his finger over his mouth, not wanting Ella to out him to everyone else.
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