by Toni Aleo
“Elli, please. Look at me.” Of course she wouldn’t do that! But being the persistent little ass that he was, he moved her face up so she had nowhere to look but into his eyes. “Baby, please. Don’t let what happen effect what we have going here, it’s not a big deal. We can watch a movie, just be together.” The tears were welling up, he was so sweet, so amazing. And if she didn’t get out of there, she would embarrass herself even more by crying in front of him. She caught him off guard and kissed his cheek softly, before turning out of his embrace and opening the door.
“I’ll call you,” she practically whispered as she ran out. She heard him call her name but she kept going. By the time she hit the stairs, she was fully crying. Big crocodile tears fell down her burning red cheeks. Her mother used to always tease her about how foolish she looked when she cried. Elli had always been embarrassed after that, but when she got her first roll on Broadway, it was because of her voice and the fact that when she cried the tears were so big that it made it more dramatic. The director loved her. That was until Elli got fat.
When she reached the truck, she jumped in, locking the doors behind her as she just sat there crying. She had to get it out or she wouldn’t be able to make the drive home. She could always go to Harper’s and calm down, but she didn’t want Harper to see her like this. She was so mad at herself. How long had it been since she had been touched or even touched a man? Forever it seemed. Why couldn’t she do it? Shea was a beautifully made man, he was a buffet, and she could eat him alive! But the thought of him seeing her stretch marks or her pooch made her sick to her stomach with fear.
Elli pulled back and slammed her hands against the steering wheel as she sobbed. She hated this feeling, because no matter how much running or how little she ate she couldn’t get rid of the pooch. Shea would be done with her in no time; he wouldn’t want to wait forever to have sex with her. Who could blame him? Elli could always get it cut off, she thought, get a nice little tummy tuck, but everyone would know and she would never give her family the satisfaction of watching her fail. Not anymore. Plus, she couldn’t get rid of the stretch marks; they would be forever on her.
She leaned her head on the steering wheel and watched as the tears fell onto her legs, puddles of them, sliding down the sides of her thighs, thighs that had little dimples and marks too. But they were so little that only Elli knew about them, or so she hoped, because if Shea ever mentioned them she would never wear shorts around him again. She closed her eyes. She hated feeling like this. She wanted to be strong, confident.
This was probably the only time that she wished she was like Victoria. The confidence Victoria exhibited was so in your face. Men fell at her feet. Why couldn’t Elli be like that? Why couldn’t she throw her clothes off, screw Shea’s brains out right there on his couch? Victoria would have done it in a New York minute, but Elli? Nope, she ran out of there crying.
How was she ever going to face Shea again?
When Elli was fully calmed down, she drove home. After parking her truck at the very top of the driveway so everyone would be able to get in, she headed up the walk way, hearing Adler freaking out. Elli’s phone beeped just as she opened the door. Adler took off running and Elli just shrugged as she left the door open for him to come back in. Shea had texted her about ten times since she left. He was, of course, being sweet, but she just couldn’t do it. Couldn’t talk to him, not yet, she pulled out her phone, reading the last text.
Are you okay? You always answer my text, please just say your okay, I’ll leave you alone until you are ready to talk to me.
She quickly texted back that, yes, she was okay, and that she would call him later. Even though they both knew she wouldn’t. She laid her purse and everything down on the sofa before going back to her bathroom to clean up. She ran the water as she looked for a wash rag. When she looked up into the mirror seeing her eyes bloodshot and tear streaks across her cheek, she felt like she would cry again. She remembered when she used to look at herself and think how pretty she was, how any guy would die to be with her.
That wasn’t the case anymore, after Justin and his abuse and her family’s abuse, now she just felt alone. Felt as if no one would ever love her, or even think she was pretty. Yeah, Shea had said it, but he was probably just trying to get into her pants. She really should watch his sweet and smooth words; he was a famous hockey player, not some regular Joe. What did he want with her? She didn’t have anything a beautiful, amazing, geektastic hockey player would want, and with that thought, Elli decided she would cry.
Elli had cleaned up and gotten dressed just as her friends starting showing up. She had known, Jodi, Walter, and Trice since her Broadway days, Trice used to be her makeup guy, while Walter was the backstage director. They both still worked for the TPAC in Nashville, and loved what they did. Jodi used to act alongside Elli, but when Elli left, Jodi said she didn’t love it as much and quit; now she worked as a Drama Teacher for one of the most prestigious private high schools in the state. She married Derrick almost five years ago; Elli was her maid of honor. She loved her friends something stupid; they knew her inside and out. She also looked forward to these nights every month. No matter what, everyone came over to someone’s house for game night. It was a time for all of them to catch up. She enjoyed it. Elli just wished that the events from today could be put aside, but all she kept seeing my Shea’s pleading eyes.
Jodi had brought sushi with her for dinner, so everyone gathered around Elli’s family size table and ate while catching up. Elli felt that she was doing a good job hiding the fact that she was dying inside until Jodi gave her a pointed look, pointing her chop stick at her, before saying,
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
All eyes went towards Elli as she shrugged, looking down at her sushi roll.
“Nothing,” she muttered.
“Liar,” Trice said flamboyantly. Walter sat beside him nodding his head.
“Elli, darling, we have known you for, like, ever, we know your lying, we knew something was wrong when you answered the door. Now go on, tell your dearest and oldest friends, what’s wrong?” Walter said. Harper sat beside Elli, nodding her head, while Derrick watched from the other side of the table beside Jodi.
“Nothing wrong guys. I’m just tired.”
“What happen with Shea today?” Harper asked. Elli cut her a look of death, before she looked at the rest of the table; it was as if everyone leaned closer to her.
“Shea?” Jodi asked “Who’s that?”
“No one,” Elli answered, stuffing a piece of sushi in her mouth.
“Liar!” Trice basically screamed again, causing everyone to giggle as Harper grinned at Elli.
“You might as well tell em, El, it’s been almost two weeks!”
“Two weeks?” Jodi asked “What the hell has been going on for two weeks that I don’t know about it!”
Everyone was staring at Elli. Her heart was slamming against her chest and she felt like sweat was dripping down her back. Could she tell them about Shea? She wasn’t even sure if this thing with Shea would even still be going on after today? She hadn’t been with anyone since Justin, they all knew that and Elli knew they would blow this out the water.
“Um,” Elli stuttered as Harper shook her head, laughing.
“Just say it, Elli, it’s no big deal.”
No big deal? Really? Plus, why was she friends with Harper again?
“Yeah, just tell us,” Trice cooed, while, Walter just nodded. For being two guys that were in love, they sure did look alike. Both blondes with big brown eyes, the only difference was that Trice was a skinny narrowed faced guy, while Walter was huge, not Shea huge but fat. Jodi and Derrick were completely opposite. Jodi was white, with long blonde hair and huge blue eyes, real skinny and pretty while Derrick was a huge, massive black man that could probably kill Elli with his hands, but he was a sweet guy. These were her people, her best friends.
“Well, I’m kinda seeing someone,” she heard herself say, the
room went eerily quiet.
“What do you mean kinda seeing someone,” Jodi asked, breaking the silence. Elli looked up to the faces of her friends, her support system. Some had shocked faces while others grinned with happiness pouring out of their pores. These people loved her, and she knew it, she would never question it.
“Okay, I’m dating someone,” a few people gasped while the others just grinned, “but it’s not worth talking about.”
“What do you mean not worth talking about?” Trice asked, his hands moving with every word “A man is always worth talking about, especially if they are taking our baby girl out.” Elli’s cheeks turned red as she moved her food around.
“It’s no big deal,” she said shyly.
“What’s his name? Shea?” Walter asked. Elli nodded.
“That’s a nice…sexy name. Where did y’all meet?” Trice added, Elli looked up, everyone was zoning in on her.
“At a photo shoot.” Everyone nodded, smiling.
“What’s he like?” Trice asked again, Elli face broke out in a smile as she blushed. She couldn’t believe she was talking about Shea to her friends. Even with the events from that day, she couldn’t help the words that poured out of her about Shea.
“He’s amazin’. Totally nice, he has a niece and nephew that he adores, he has brought me lunch all week, took me out, and everything. We spent the afternoon together, where he cooked and-” she gushed out, smiling, but then she stopped when she almost blurted out how the afternoon ended.
“And?” Jodi asked.
“And, then I turned stupid and ran out his house crying, and I doubt I’ll ever see him again,” she said in a rush, then she looked up again, “That’s why this was not worth talking about, because even though Shea is amazing and I would want nothing more to see where this is going, I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to face him again.”
“What on good God’s green earth happened!?” Jodi demanded “because any man that makes you smile like that, Eleanor, is a man worth keeping.”
“Yeah, so you tell us, let us be the judge!” Trice added.
“Yeah,” Harper said “he’s great Elli, what could have happened?”
Elli looked at Walter and Derrick; they sat quietly, eating as they listen very intently. She looked at Jodi, Trice, and Harper, than took a deep breath.
“Well, we started making out-“
“Ooh, was it good?” Trice cooed with a grin. Elli laughed.
“Amazing,” Elli said with a grin, than looked down at her food “but then it got hot, like he was on top of me and I felt everything.”
“Ooh, it was that good?” Jodi cooed this time. Elli rolled her eyes as Derrick glared at Jodi.
“Words don’t describe how that felt,” Elli said before going on “But then his hands went for under my shirt and I-" Elli stopped, not able to say it, that she ran like a scared little bitch.
“Ran like a scared little girl? Elli, come on,” Harper exclaimed in disgust. If anyone knew Elli, it was Harper. “Why?”
Elli just got up, taking her plate to the kitchen; she dropped it in the sink, running the water as she tried to get her breathing under control. She wished she could ask everyone to leave, but knew that was rude, plus in a way she didn’t want to. She loved them all, even with their prying questions. They had a right to know, they were her best friends, plus talking about it would be good for her, especially with the guys, well, manly Derrick’s point of view. She turned the water off before going back in the dining room where everyone was sitting. She stood behind her chair, looking at her friends.
“I ran because the thought of him seeing my stretch marks or feeling the fat on my tummy almost made me puke. I can’t do it. He’s so gorgeous, so amazing, I’m not that. I’m not skinny or super duper pretty. I’m kinda squishy, and not what he is usually with.”
Everyone just stared at her, like she was the dumbest person on earth; she was starting to feel that she was when Jodi finally spoke.
“So, let me get this straight,” she started as she cleared her throat. “You haven’t dated a man in what, how long has it been since dickhead?” she asked.
“Six years,” Harper answered before Elli could.
“Six years, and now that a man that you like and are attracted to wants to get up under your shirt, you decide to freak out, run, and then not talk to him anymore because you are not what you think he wants.”
Elli just stood there, when she put it that way, Elli sounded dumb, so she just shrugged as she said “Yeah.”
“Has he said that you are not what he wants?” Trice asked.
“No, quite the opposite, really,” Elli answered
“Okay, so explain to me why you don’t want to see him anymore?” Harper asked.
“Because I’m fat,” Elli said as she threw her arms up in the air.
“You’re not fat!” Everyone yelled at the same time.
“Yes, Elli, you are not a size two anymore, we get that, but honey, you were sick,” Trice explained.
“You have already lost a lot of what you gained. You’re at a healthy size, baby girl, stop,” Walter added.
“Let me tell you something, Elli,” Everyone’s heads turned towards Derrick, “I am your after friend; I came after the sickness hit, after Justin left, after the studio opened, but I’ve heard about before Elli, about how outspoken and crazy she was. Jodi told me about how Justin treated you when you got sick,” Everyone just nodded. Justin was such a douche. “But not every man is like him, this guy that you are talking to likes you, not before Elli.”
“But what happens when he sees me naked, or sees pictures of before Elli?” she asked sadly, “I can’t do another Justin, I can’t.”
“And no one is asking you too, but do you think he would do that? Have you talked to him about it?”
“No.”
“Okay, so how would you know?”
Everyone just nodded, grinning at Derrick, then Elli.
“You can’t stay hidden El. You’re so beautiful, so amazing, so funny, don’t hide,” Jodi said.
“Yeah, because when he sees the real Elli, the carefree happy one, he’ll fall head over heels in two point three seconds,” Trice added.
“Elli, he really likes you. Jakob has even said so. Maybe he is tired of the Barbie dolls and wants something real,” Harper suggested “You need to give him a chance, love like you’ve never been hurt before. You need to talk to him.”
“I don’t know.”
“Is he worth it, Elli?” Elli looked over at Derrick; he had his glass of wine in front of his mouth, a grin on his lips. “It's early, I know, but people always know when something is worth it, do you think he is?”
Elli thought for a moment. She missed him, she did. In the past couple of weeks she had never went this long without talking to him, but she was just so damn scared. She didn’t want to get hurt again, she didn’t want the rejection. In a way she was fine with her life, she had Adler, her friends, her nieces and nephews. What else did she need?
“I know that look, Elli; your life could be a lot better, a lot happier. Don’t you still want kids of your own?” Harper asked, everyone nodded, and Elli caved. She sat down; put her face in her hands. She did want kids, she did want a husband, a happily ever after. But could she get over her insecurities to try?
“He’s worth it, but I don’t know if I am.”
Chapter 8
The images of Elli running out of Shea’s apartment would be forever burned into his brain. The tears streaming down her face, the way she slammed her hands into the steering wheel as she cried. He knew she didn’t know he was watching, but he was. He wanted nothing more than to run down there and comfort her. Didn’t she know that he wasn’t mad, that he was fine without going further, that he just wanted to be with her? Why didn’t she understand that? What had he done wrong? Was he moving too fast? He didn’t know, he had never been in this situation, never been with the same woman more than once. So he was lost.
&nb
sp; He hadn’t talked to her in two days. He had sent text messages and she would answer that she was busy and would call when she had the chance, but hour after hour passed, and he never heard from her. Part of him wondered if this was her way of blowing him off, but part of him knew that wasn’t true. She was just embarrassed, or so he hoped.
Like always, when he was confused about something, he ended up at Grace’s. Grace was moving around the house, running her mouth as he sat with Amelia in his lap, playing kissy face with her, while Ryan shot pucks at the new net Shea had brought over with him.
“Unky, watch. I can shoot just as hard as you!” Ryan exclaimed as he swung his stick as hard as his little four year old body would let him. What surprised Shea was that he actually got the puck in the goal.
“Way to go, bud!” Shea exclaimed. “Cheer for Ryan, Amelia! Go, Ryan, Go!” Shea lifted Amelia’s arms in the air and she giggled as she bounced in his lap.
“I’m amazing, just like you, Unky. That’s what momma says.” Shea cut a look at his sister, she was grinning bashfully.
“Your momma knows her stuff, huh?”
“Sure does!” Ryan yelled as he went back to shooting. Amelia started getting fussing, so Grace took her, kissing her cheeks.
“She’s hungry,” Grace explained as she put her in her highchair with some food on the tray. “Are you hungry, Shea?”
“I could always eat,” Shea answered as she placed a sandwich and chips in front of him. After a lot of coaxing, she finally got Ryan to sit down and eat. Grace sat across from Shea taking a bite out of her sandwich before giving him a pointed look.
“So what’s up?”
No reason beating around the bush.
“I think I messed up with Elli.” A lot of emotions went over Grace’s face: anger, surprise, concern, then the final one, worry.