by J. Daniels
“I don’t have her anymore,” I reply.
“Then that’s your choice, not hers. ’Cause she sure as hell didn’t come to that hospital for me.” He pulls his hands out of his pockets, and grabs my shoulders, firmly holding my attention. I see the regret weighing heavy on his face, deepening his frown.
“I should’ve been better. You deserved better.”
“It’s a little late for an apology,” I say, trying to step back out of his grasp. His hands tighten their hold, and he steps closer.
“I’m not here to tell you I’m sorry. I’m not sure it would mean anything.”
“It wouldn’t,” I agree. “It wouldn’t mean a damn thing.”
He smiles. “Good. ’Cause you deserve a lot more than a bullshit sorry.” His arms pull me into a hug so quickly, I can’t think fast enough to protest it. I keep my hands at my side, not reciprocating, but not pushing away either.
“There are a lot of things I wish I could take back, but I can’t, and if you want to hate me, if you never want to see me again, I’ll understand that. What’s done is done. You’re a good man, Luke, and you’re more than I ever deserved to have in a son. I’m proud of you. I’ll always be proud of you.”
His arms release me suddenly, and he keeps his head down as he pushes open the doors that lead to the parking lot. He’s gone before I can even think of a response to what he’s just said. The only thing I’m able to do is stand there, holding the keys to the house he’s just given me.
***
I’m restless, and it’s pissing Max off.
That poor dog has been following me around the guesthouse we’ve been staying in since I walked in the door three hours ago. I’ve moved from the kitchen, to the living room, to the bedroom, back to the living room, where I’m currently trying to keep my mind off the phone charging on my dresser. The game’s on, but I’m not interested.
Not when I have eighteen messages waiting for me.
Not when I want to get in my car and drive all night to get to her.
Not when I’m thinking I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.
I toss the remote onto the coffee table and drop my head into my hands. Max nudges me with his wet nose, sniffing behind my ear.
“I’m gonna listen to one. Just one.” I raise my head and he gets up on all fours on the cushion, his tail wagging excitedly behind him. “You want to listen to one too, don’t you? You miss her? You miss Tessa?”
He reacts exactly how I’d react if someone asked me the same thing right now. By jumping around like a fucking lunatic, knocking shit off the coffee table. His head nudges the back of my legs as I move down the hallway, urging me faster. I rip the cord out of the bottom of my cell phone and sit on the edge of the bed with it.
I dial my voicemail, ignoring the way my heart pounds, the heavy pulse of it surging back to life. I hit the speaker-phone button as Max settles next to me on the bed, dropping his head into my lap. After skipping seven messages, ’cause I figure after a week of me being gone, she’s probably more likely to cuss me out then cry, I wait for the eighth message to begin playing.
“Hey, it’s me,” she whispers, and I raise the phone up to my ear, keeping it on speaker. “I have to be really quiet. Nolan fell asleep on me.” I count her breaths, six full inhales and exhales, and fuck, just hearing her living does something to me. I breathe faster, heavier, matching her rhythm. I think maybe she’s fallen asleep until I hear a soft sigh. “I’m pretending you’re here with me, and I don’t have to say anything. We’re just together. Just you and me, and it’s…” Her voice breaks into a whimper, and she shudders an exhale before continuing. “It’s so perfect, Luke. Do you remember? I’m not crazy, right? It was kinda perfect, what we had.
“I wasn’t—I know I wasn’t perfect for you. I’m stubborn. I yell, and I like to push you, and we argue about the dumbest shit, but you’re the only person I want to sit on a couch and do absolutely nothing with. You are what makes it perfect. And I miss it. I miss just being with you, so I’m going to sit here, and pretend that’s what I’m doing.”
I wipe my hand down my face and shift Max off me so I can lie down, dropping the phone on my chest. Max settles at my feet, resting his chin on my leg while I stare at the phone. The soft sounds of her pain fade out, and it’s just her breathing, filling my ears, my bedroom, and my soul. I watch the seconds tick away on the screen, and when it reaches ten minutes, the message abruptly cuts out. I cue it up again, letting my eyes fall closed so I can picture her with me.
I miss you, and it was perfect.
I was planning on listening to a few of her messages tonight, but this one, this is the only one I want to hear.
It kills me; her, thinking she’s not enough. That she wasn’t exactly what I needed, all the time.
I’m halfway through my fifth listen, when a beep cuts into the message, breaking apart one of the best sounds I’ve ever heard. I tilt my phone to see the screen, and the name I read has me sitting up and kicking Max off my legs.
Mia: Hey, Luke. Nolan wanted to send you a text. I’m handing him the phone now.
I smile, watching the bubbles float as he types. I’m not sure what to expect. He’s four, so I think he should be able to spell out some words.
Mia: Nolan Nolan Nolan dragon jfksnen kskeiju qio l :) jfkshi Unkle Luke hi
I get a good laugh out of that, reading it several times to try and figure out if the random letters are meant to say something. My phone beeps again, and I’m expecting more smiley faces and names.
Mia: Hey, it’s me. Sorry. He’s been asking me every day if he can call you, and I didn’t want him telling Tessa he talked to you. I can’t imagine how sad that would make her.
My fingers begin moving at their own volition. Thank fuck for spell check picking up what I’m meaning to get across instead of the nonsense I type out.
Me: How is she?
Mia: She’s sad, Luke. She’s really sad. You destroyed my best friend, and your dumbass is the only one who can fix it, so I need you to get back here. Now. I don’t know how much more of this she can take. I’ve never seen her like this.
Sweat builds on my palm as I grip the phone, staring, re-reading the words again, and again. I’ve destroyed her. I need to fix it.
Mia: I’m going behind Ben’s back to talk to you right now. I hope you know how shitty I feel doing this, but I don’t think you made the right choice. I did at first. I understood why you left when Ben told me, and I wanted to hug you for choosing Tessa’s feelings over your own.
Mia: I know you love her even if you’ve never said it, and I know you’ve never said it, because Tessa would’ve told me. But you screwed up. It’s not supposed to be like this. Every couple has shit they have to go through. But you work it out. Together.
Mia: I swear to God. Sometimes you men are complete idiots. We love you, and you just screw everything up.
Mia: I’m getting worked up, so I’m going to go fold something. I love you and I miss you, but I will straight up nut punch you if you don’t fix this.
Nut punch me? What the fuck?
I toss the phone on the bed next to me and lie back. My head feels heavier when it hits the pillow, my indecision weighing on my mind.
What do I do? What the fuck do I do?
If I go back, I’ll have to let Tessa in. She knows some shit, but she doesn’t know all of it. Not the stuff that pulls me out of bed at night. The ugliness I’ve kept her away from.
He’s sober. He could stay that way, but there’s a greater chance he won’t.
Bottom line? I’m scared. I’m fucking scared she’ll be the one who pulls away.
The phone rings, startling me, and I grab it expecting Harding, since we’re on call twenty-four hours a day. Ben’s name flashes on my screen.
“Fuck!”
Max barks, jumping off the bed and darting down the hall to go hide in the bathroom. I hear the rustling of plastic, confirming he’s now in my shower, and let out a heav
y sigh before I answer this call.
I bring the phone up to my ear as I try and make myself comfortable. It doesn’t work.
“She texted me, man. I swear to God, I wouldn’t…”
“Get your ass here, Godfather. Mia’s water just broke.”
“Sweetheart, do you want me to take him?”
My eyes blink open several times, adjusting to the fluorescent light of the waiting room at the sound of my dad’s voice. I lift my head from the tiny pocket of warmth Nolan’s sleeping body created against mine, and look up.
“What time is it?” I ask, stretching out my neck from side to side.
“A little after 2:00 a.m.” He reaches down and lifts Nolan into his arms, holding him against his chest.
“Ben hasn’t come out yet? Mia’s been in labor for like, five hours.” I look across the row of chairs, spotting my mom, fighting sleep with little drops of her head.
My dad sits down next to me, taking the stuffed dragon out of my hand and tucking it next to Nolan. “These things take a while sometimes. You kept your mother in labor for over twelve hours before you were ready.”
I drop my chin, giving him a teasing glare. “That number seems to get bigger every time I hear that story.” I cover my mouth to stifle my yawn as it breaks apart the end of my sentence.
“Why don’t you go back to sleep? I’ll wake you when someone comes out.” He slides down the seat a bit, letting Nolan rest more on his chest.
“No, I need to stay up in case Mia needs me. I really didn’t mean to fall asleep.” I stand from the chair, patting the pocket of my jeans to feel for my money. “I’m going to grab some coffee. Do you want some?”
My dad smiles with a light shake of his head. “No thanks, sweetheart.”
I walk around the corner to the row of vending machines, eyeing up my candy choices. If I am going to stay awake, I need caffeine and chocolate, preferably injected straight into my veins. I probably would’ve been fine if it wasn’t for Nolan falling asleep on me. That kid is just too damn snuggly for words.
I should know. He’s been attached to me for the past nineteen days, giving me hugs whenever he thinks I need them, which apparently, is every five minutes.
I do need them. I need them because Luke told him to give them to me, and in my warped mind, it’s his arms around me, not Nolan’s. It’s Luke who sees my pain and stops everything he’s doing to comfort me.
That’s the only thing getting me through each day. Knowing he cared enough to make sure I’d have someone.
I pop a peanut M&M into my mouth as I wait for my coffee to dispense out of the machine. As I’m walking back around the corner, holding onto the nearly overflowing cup with both hands, while my teeth secure the bag of candy between them, I spot Nolan, moving around on my dad’s lap, awake and alert. He looks over at me, wide-eyed, but gets distracted when my dad points at something, or someone, across the room. Nolan’s jaw hits the floor, and his feet quickly follow.
“Uncle Wuke!”
I gasp, releasing the bag from my tightly clenched jaw. M&M’S scatter along the tiled floor at my feet, rolling underneath the waiting room chairs. I glance up at my dad, then my mom, who is now standing and awake, looking at me with a deep frown. My eyes drop to Nolan just as he tilts his head almost completely upside-down to watch the candy roll about.
“Whoa! That’s awesome. Uncle Wuke! Look at all dis candy!”
I see someone. No, not someone. Him. I see him, out of the corner of my eye, but I can’t turn my head, or shift my gaze in his direction. I’m frozen in place, my body stiff. I can’t do anything besides look between the three members of my family. The ones who have seen me at my worst lately.
He’s here. He’s here. Luke. Oh, God. Breathe, Tessa. Just breathe. Don’t fucking pass out right now. Or puke. Jesus Christ, don’t puke.
He moves into my line of sight, which hasn’t wavered at all, and our eyes meet.
Briefly, but God, I feel it.
My body reacts as if he’s just reached into the ocean I’ve been drowning in and pulled me out.
This is what it feels like to have your heart beating the way it’s supposed to. I’ve been surviving on twitches, tiny spasms against my sternum, just enough to say, “You’re alive, Tessa. Barely alive.”
My dad steps forward, extending his hand with a smile. “Luke, nice to see you.”
“You too, Mr. Kelly.” Luke’s dark T-shirt stretches across the muscles in his back as he grips my father’s hand. My mouth goes dry, and I could quench it with the coffee that I’m miraculously still holding, but I need ice-cold, frigid water. Thrown on me, preferably. I swallow as the ink on his bicep moves with his muscle, some of the shadows becoming more evident, while others roll to the parts of his arm I can’t see from this angle.
Damn it. I want to see. All of him.
“Nolan, those are dirty. Don’t touch them,” my mom scolds, grabbing Nolan by his shoulders and moving him away from a pile of M&M’S that’s collected under a chair close by. She gives Luke a warm smile, devoid of any resentment.
“Uncle Wuke!” Nolan yells again, letting go of the candy diversion and re-focusing all his excitement. “You’wre hewre!”
Luke bends down, places a hand on Nolan’s shoulder, and leans in close to whisper something in his ear.
Nolan moves back and nods proudly, training his eyes on me. His crooked grin appears, smearing across his face as if he’s in on some big secret.
I want that secret.
The doors leading out to the main hospital burst open, gaining everyone’s attention. Luke straightens up, spinning around toward the noise and Nolan squeezes between his legs to peer through.
“Daddy!”
I follow Nolan’s body as he runs straight at Ben, who quickly wraps him up into a hug. He carries Nolan over to the group. Well, the group, minus me. I’m still glued to the floor about ten feet away from everyone.
“You made it.” Ben walks up to Luke, shifting Nolan in his arms to shake Luke’s hand.
I know Ben wasn’t happy about Luke leaving either. He wouldn’t talk about him, and if he heard Nolan bring him up, he’d quickly change the subject and scold Nolan for doing it. Plus, he’d turned into Mr. Broody as of lately, edgy and always on the attack. The only person he seemed to have any patience for was Mia. But you wouldn’t know he was affected at all by the way he’s looking at Luke.
“I knocked an hour off my time, doing eighty all the way here,” Luke replies, dropping his hand to his side. “I figured if I got a ticket, I’d just make you pay it.”
Ben laughs, hearty and genuine, moving Nolan again when he starts to wiggle. “You’re the one pulling in detective pay. I should send you this hospital bill.”
“Son,” my dad says, stepping closer to the men, “how is Mia? What’s the update?”
Luke turns his head, brushing his gaze over me. My hands grip the paper cup tighter as I lock my knees, keeping myself upright. He looks at me almost the way he’s always looked at me, but there’s something different about it this time. There’s nothing gentle about the way Luke looks at you. He’s cocky and self-possessed at all times, baiting you to make that move toward him. Owning you before you even know it. There’s a hidden promise behind his eyes. A quiet threat.
No one else will exist to you after me.
But something’s different. He doesn’t hold my stare the way I’m accustomed to. There’s no danger lying dormant, sparking my curiosity with an assurance of something I’ll never forget. What has my skin ignited into a slow burn is the tender caress his eyes are giving me. Like he’s examining my soul for any signs of trauma, silently whispering to me while he moves over my body.
I did this, and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.
I don’t know how I do it, but I break the contact and look over at my brother. Mainly because I can’t handle a gentle Luke right now, a Luke who looks as broken as I feel.
Ben smiles, his two dimples sucking in prominently as he l
ooks between the four of us. “You guys ready to meet him?”
I finally move, my legs remembering why I’ve been in this hospital all night. I drop my cup into the trashcan I walk past and keep my attention on Ben. “Is Mia okay?”
His cheeks hollow out even more as he looks unashamedly awestruck. “Yeah, she’s perfect. She was amazing, but she’s completely wiped out. This visit needs to be quick so she can get some rest.”
Nobody argues with Ben. He’ll always do what’s best for Mia, and I love that about him.
Luke hangs back as my parents move through the doors behind Ben. I go to follow, but Luke halts me with a hand on my arm.
“Tessa.”
“Not now.” I pull out of his reach, my skin tingling with the loss of contact. Our eyes lock. “I’m here for Mia, and the baby. I can’t.”
He nods his understanding, but his eyes burn with conflict, and regret, so much that it steals the breath right out of my lungs.
I force myself to keep moving, going against every fiber in my being that wants me to stay still with Luke. I focus on Mia, and Chase, burying my pain deep down, creating a deeper hole inside me. Luke stays by my side, walking with me in silence, but his thoughts are so loud the sound seems to echo off the walls around us. My body begins to pulse with a reaction I haven’t yet acknowledged. I’ve been too numb to feel anything besides empty, but this flares to life inside me, curling my hands into fists.
Anger. There you are.
“You left me,” I spit through gritted teeth. His response comes to me in the form of a sharp inhale, seething into a hiss. I keep my eyes straight ahead, focused on what I’m here for. He doesn’t get my glare, fueled with resentment, or the punch I’m ready to throw.
But he is about to get my mouth.
“I had to,” he quietly replies.