by E. L. Todd
“Then I’ll leave.” I stood up and headed to the door.
“Hawke, what’s your problem?” She stood up and rested her arms by her sides. “It’s me. Why aren’t you coming to me? Why aren’t you letting me comfort you? Why are you pushing me away?” Tears bubbled in her eyes.
“Because we both know I don’t deserve it. We both know I’m not good enough for you. We both know that this relationship was doomed to fail from the very beginning. We’re from different worlds. I’m a violent man with a temper I can’t control. Ten years down the road, you’re going to be buried six feet under—because of me.” I got in her face, ignoring the tears that started to leak down her cheeks. “Let’s stop pretending this is going to last forever. We’re done—for good.”
Heartbreak
Francesca
I met up with Axel and Marie in their room.
“How is he?” Marie immediately asked.
Axel was sitting at the edge of the bed when I walked inside. He jumped up and came right at me. “Did you calm him down?”
I looked at Marie. “He’s terrible.” Then I turned to Axel. “And no.”
Marie deflated like a balloon. “He’s taking this really hard.”
“I get he’s struggling but acting like an asshole isn’t okay.” Axel was turning into the protective older brother I didn’t miss.
“He said we’re done.” My body was numb from our last conversation. He actually bought a gun to murder his own father. I knew he wouldn’t do it but I removed the bullets just in case. I couldn’t let him suffer for the rest of his life for something he couldn’t take back.
“What?” Marie blurted. “He broke up with you?”
“What the hell?” Axel said. “You can’t be serious.”
I nodded. “I tried to be there for him but he didn’t want it. The harder I push, the more he lashes out.”
Marie came to my side and hugged me. “God, this is a nightmare.”
Axel started to pace, his arm folded across his chest. “I’m gonna kick his ass.”
“Just leave him alone,” I said. “He didn’t mean it.”
“He didn’t?” Marie asked.
“He’s just upset.” I walked away from her and sat at the edge of the bed. “Anytime his family comes up, he pushes me away. He thinks he’s just like his father, which he’s not. He gets lost all over again.”
“I get that,” Axel said. “But he can’t just dump you every time things get hard.”
I hated to remind him of the past but I had to. “Axel, when Dad shot himself, you were out of your mind. You were angry and bitter for a very long time. To this day, you still aren’t the way you used to be. I changed too, and it took me a really long time to find myself again. Then when Hawke left me, I took a turn for the worse and tried to OD on painkillers. When tragedy strikes, we all do things we wish we could take back.”
Axel dropped his argument because he knew I was right.
“Right now, we just need to be there for Hawke in whatever way he’ll allow us to. We’ll go to the funeral and be by his side. When he comes out of his funk, we’ll know.”
“So, you don’t think he meant to end things with you?” Axel asked.
“No, of course not.” Hawke would never do that to me. I was the only family he had left. He loved me more than life itself. “He just needs some time to get through this. We all grieve differently. The guy just lost his mother, and even though he hated him, he lost his father too.”
“Whoa, what?” Marie asked. “When did his father die?”
“Did Hawke kill him?” Axel asked.
I wouldn’t tell either one of them about Hawke’s darkest moment. “No. He had a heart attack.”
“Oh…” Axel rubbed the back of his head. “That’s a lot of emotional garbage to take at once.”
“No wonder why he snapped,” Marie said.
“So, just let Hawke yell if he needs to yell.” Even though Hawke said a lot of unforgivable things, I would let it go because I knew what it was like to lose both parents—at the same time. “Let him do whatever he wants to get through this. It’s not about us right now. It’s about him.”
***
The funeral was held in a big white church near the coast. I went there a few times with Yaya on Easter. Hawke couldn’t have picked a better place to have the ceremony.
When we walked into the church, he was already there. He was sitting in the front row next to the aisle. A few other people were scattered around in the rows, but it was a relatively small crowd.
“We’ll sit back here.” Axel grabbed Marie’s hand and took her down a row.
I took a deep breath then walked to the front, hoping Hawke would want me beside him. I bought a black dress at the mall along with some heels because I didn’t bring extra clothes with me. When I came to his side, he slowly looked up at me.
The brutality wasn’t in his eyes anymore. But there wasn’t joy either. He stared at me like I was a random person, someone he didn’t know and had no interest in knowing. His indifference was worse than any insult.
“May I join you?” I suspected he would say no, maybe even tell me off.
He slid one seat over, allowing me to have the aisle. He didn’t look at me anymore, and not once did he speak.
I sat beside him and crossed my legs. Instead of grabbing his hand like I normally would, I sat still. The locket he gave me hung from my throat, and I hoped seeing it would bring him back to me. He was in a thick fog, lost like a hound abandoned on the side of the road during winter’s night.
He held the pamphlet in his hand, and it was crinkled from gripping it so tightly. No one else sat in the row beside him, meaning he was the last family member she had.
“I’m here if you need me.” I didn’t need to say those words, but he needed to hear them.
He stared straight ahead and watched the casket. It was pristine white with gold trimming. Flowers were displayed on top of the casket. It wasn’t an open viewing, probably because she was too beat up to show her face. Everything was of the greatest elegance. Hawke did everything he could to give her a beautiful funeral.
The pastor approached the podium then began the ceremony.
***
When it was Hawke’s turn to speak, he walked up to the podium and pulled his speech out of his pocket. His face was emotionless, like the funeral and his mother’s passing didn’t bother him in the least. He was numb, unable to feel anything whatsoever. He cleared his throat and stared at his speech.
I suspected he would tell everyone the truth of what happened, that his mom wasn’t some clumsy woman that didn’t know how to take the stairs one at a time. He would tell the world what really happened, that her life was taken away by an abuser. If that were what he wanted to do, I wouldn’t advise him otherwise.
“When I was ten years old, I wanted to dress up as a cone head for Halloween.” Hawke looked down at his paper as he spoke. “I wanted to be something different than all the other kids, and I wanted to be funny. But we didn’t have a lot of money at the time and my family simply couldn’t afford it. My dad told me I had to be something else, preferably something I could make out of cardboard. I was upset I didn’t get my way but I understood it was a lost battle. I decided not to go trick-or-treating with my friends at all.
“Little did I know, my mom had been working endlessly to make a cone head costume for me. She had a few friends from her arts and crafts class help her out. Together, they made the perfect cone head costume—and it cost her three bucks. The day she gave it to me, I jumped around and screamed. I couldn’t believe she did that for me—and spent so much time trying to make it happen. I didn’t care that we didn’t have a lot of money. All I cared about was having a mom that was willing to give her son anything—not matter how much time it took.”
I covered my lips with my fingers because I felt them quiver. My eyes watered at the story, picturing Hawke as a little boy with his friends. The only time I spoke to his mother was th
at one instance when she found shelter at his apartment. Now I wish I knew her better—that I could have heard these stories from her.
“That was the kind of mom she was,” Hawke continued. “She did everything for me, sometimes packing a chocolate pudding in my sack lunch just to surprise me. While I only know her as my mom, I know she was something different to the rest of you. She was a friend, a relative, and so much more. Now that she’s gone, my life feels empty, like there’s something missing. But I’ll try to remember that her spirit lives on in me. In my heart, I can feel her. And I’ll always feel her.” He folded up the speech then sighed into the microphone. “Thank you.” He left the podium then returned to the seat beside me. His face was still stoic, hiding everything deep inside. There was a war raging inside him but he kept it buried within.
I sniffed before I grabbed his hand, suddenly feeling empty. I’d never know my future mother-in-law as well as I wished I did. It was a shame to lose the opportunity.
Hawke didn’t pull his hand away but he didn’t reciprocate either. Cold and distant, he let his fingers lay there. It was like he wasn’t holding my hand at all—just letting me hold it for him.
***
They placed her casket into the ground, and everyone took handfuls of dirt and sprinkled it on top as they passed. Quiet prayers were whispered under their breaths before they walked away.
People mingled for a few minutes before they left and headed to the wake at the city center. Marie, Axel, and I waited at the gravesite until everyone else was gone. Hawke was still there, standing alone at the grave. His hands were in his pockets and he stared into the hole, seeing the beautiful white casket covered with pieces of moist dirt.
Axel turned to me. “What do we do?”
“You guys can go. I’m going to stay here until he leaves.”
Marie gave me a sad look, clearly wishing she could do something more. “Call us if you need us.”
“I will.”
They left the gravesite without speaking to Hawke, assuming he didn’t want to speak to them anyway.
I slowly walked across the grass, making sure the heels of my shoes didn’t puncture the soft ground. Hawke didn’t look at me or acknowledge me in any way. It was like I wasn’t there at all.
I came to his side but refrained from touching him. All I wanted to do was comfort him, to let him cry on my shoulder and release all his pain. I knew he was dying inside, unable to handle all the loss and regret.
I wished I could say the right thing, something to lift his spirits. But there was nothing, no matter how good, that I could say to change this situation.
“They were going to have my father buried on top of my mother.” It was the first time he spoke to me since he screamed at me a few days prior. “I said no. I told them to cremate him and sprinkle his ashes on dog shit.”
I didn’t flinch at his ferocity because I expected it.
“So, she’ll be buried alone.”
My silence was my only response.
He grabbed a handful of dirt then tossed it on top of the casket. “I’m sorry, Mother.” He turned away and left the gravesite, not waiting for me to walk with him. His hands were in his pockets, and he walked with a straight back despite the baggage he carried.
And I watched him go.
Agony
Francesca
A week had come and gone but I didn’t hear a word from Hawke.
We were back in the city, ready to return to our lives like nothing happened. The streets were jammed with traffic, and the bakery was just as packed as it usually was. Everything was exactly the same, only it was different.
I’d never seen Hawke this upset. When he screamed at his mom in front of me, he destroyed all of his furniture until there was nothing left. But that was a different kind of anger.
Now he was absolutely silent.
I had to be patient and wait for him to come to me. Eventually, he’d break out of his haze and need me. He’d open up to me and apologize for shutting me out. And I’d forgive him instantly.
But he still hadn’t called.
Axel came by the bakery, something he hardly ever did. He came into my kitchen where I was frosting a cake I didn’t care much about. “Have you talked to him?”
All of us were worried about him, particularly Axel. “No.”
He leaned against the counter and watched me work the spatula. “You think I should give it a try?”
“You can do whatever you want. But when he’s ready, he’ll come to us.”
He rubbed the side of his face, his black wedding ring visible against his fair skin. “I know everyone deals with grief differently but this is…hard to understand.”
“Hawke is complicated.”
“I’ll say.”
“He’ll come around. He’s dealing with a lot right now.”
He sighed like he didn’t believe me. “Well, since you know him so well, I guess I’ll trust your judgment.”
“That’s always a good idea.”
He didn’t make a smartass comment, which was rare. “Are you doing okay?”
I shrugged. “I worry about him every second of the day and I miss him. But other than that, I’m fine.”
“I know he said a lot of mean things to you…”
“He didn’t mean them.” Hawke struggled to control his temper, and as a result, he screamed at people. But that was the worst of it. “Have a little more faith, Axel.”
“Honestly, I don’t know if I could have the same kind of patience if it were Marie.”
“You would.” I knew he would.
He rose to his full height and put his hands in his pockets. “Well, I’ll see you around. You can call me if you need anything.”
“I already knew that. But thank you.”
It looked like he was going to walk out but he remained rooted to the spot. He stared at me like he wanted something else. Then he moved in and gave me a quick hug. “Love you.”
My arm moved over his. “Love you too.”
***
Another week went by and I still didn’t hear from Hawke. Not only was I worried, but I was terrified he did something stupid—to himself. I knew I should take my own advice and wait for him to come to me but I was getting antsy. Maybe he was too ashamed to reach out to me. Or maybe it was something else entirely.
I arrived at his door but didn’t use my key to get inside. While he gave me permission, I didn’t think that was the smartest move at the moment. I knocked and waited for him to answer.
He opened the door a minute later, wearing sweats and a t-shirt like he hadn’t gone to work. He stared me down without any expression whatsoever. “Yes?”
His coldness was getting old but I somehow remained vigilant. “I was in the neighborhood and wanted to see how things were going.”
“They’re fine.” He started to shut the door.
“Whoa, hold on.” I pushed the door back open and let myself inside. “Hawke, I just want to talk.”
“About what?” He crossed his arms over his chest. Those beautiful blue eyes used to emit a warmth that surrounded me and kept me warm all night long. Now they were icicles, ready to stab me at a moment’s notice. “How my mother was murdered? How not a single person showed up to my father’s funeral because they knew he was a dick? How I almost killed him but he had a heart attack instead? Which topic did you have in mind?”
It took all my strength not to put him in his place. “I want to talk about you—and if you’re okay. That’s all.”
He leaned against the kitchen island, and near his feet were three boxes. Everything else in the apartment hadn’t moved so he couldn’t be leaving. But they were oddly out of place. “I’m fine. Now you can go.”
I wanted to slap him across the face. “Hawke, stop shutting me out. It’s not getting you anywhere.”
He grabbed one of the boxes on the floor and set it on the counter. “I gathered all your things. It might take a few trips but you can have Axel help you.”
/> What did he just say?
My eyes looked at the top of the box, and peeking from the folds was the blanket I made him for Christmas.
And I snapped. “Knock it off. I understand you’re going through a hard time right now, but breaking up with me isn’t the solution. I’m sick of your attitude, your bullshit, and everything else up to this point. You need to knock it off or I’ll have to slap some sense into you.” I grabbed the box and threw it on the ground. “Don’t you dare insult me like that again.”
He watched me, and for the first time, he didn’t seem so intimidating. He was almost apologetic.
“I’m giving you a freebie. I’m going to pretend this conversation never happened—for your sake.” I stormed out of his apartment and slammed the door so hard it almost snapped off the hinges.
***
Another week went by, and I didn’t hear from him.
Now I was starting to get scared.
Really scared.
What if he continued this behavior? What if he didn’t snap out of his depression? What if he was lost?
I spent all my time in my apartment because I didn’t want to do anything else besides lay in bed. There was no drive or motivation in my body anymore. I didn’t go for a run after work like I usually did, and I didn’t even cook anymore. All I could do was think about Hawke and hope the worst would pass like a bad storm.
When another week passed and I still didn’t hear from him, I stopped eating altogether. The anxiety of not knowing what was going to happen was drowning me. My chest ached because my lungs couldn’t breathe. My thoughts were suffocating me.
I couldn’t even think.
I needed to hold my ground and refuse to speak to him until he spoke to me first, but I couldn’t wait it out any longer. I went to his apartment, determined to set him right once and for all.
When I got to his door. I didn’t knock. I used my key to unlock the door, but when the key moved inside the lock, it didn’t fit right.
He changed the locks.
What a slap in the face.
I banged on his door and stomped my foot anxiously, needing to see his face so I could get everything out. I was angrier than I could digest. My hands shook from the adrenaline. I could handle a lot, but like everyone else, I had my limit.