by E. L. Todd
“Idiot.”
I rested my arm on his. “And that’s the story.”
“So, you guys are really done?”
I nodded.
“If he wanted you back, you wouldn’t give him another chance?” He was looking for reassurance that he wasn’t going to get trampled on again.
“No.”
“So…I have a real chance this time?” His thumb caressed the skin over my ribs, his excitement boiling.
“Yes.”
He breathed a sigh of relief, like every worry he ever carried disappeared.
“But…you need to know something.”
His thumb stopped moving.
“I can’t picture myself ever loving someone the way I loved him, not because we’re soul mates or because I’m still in love with him. I just don’t think it’s possible for me to have two loves like that. If this goes somewhere, maybe one day I’ll love you, but it’ll never be in that hopelessly romantic way. It’ll always be in a duller form, almost a friendly way. I don’t want you to get your hopes up and expect something grand and beautiful. If that’s not enough for you, I completely understand.”
His hand grazed my back then moved into my hair. Instead of being hurt by my words, his eyes shined with greater intensity. He seemed encouraged rather than dismayed. He even seemed hopeful. “Love is love, Francesca. And I know whatever we’ll have will be grand and beautiful.”
***
Kyle walked into The Muffin Girl the second I got off work. “What a coincidence. I was just about to pick up a muffin on my way home.”
“On your way home?” I asked. “From where, exactly?” He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt so he obviously didn’t work today. “And you clearly didn’t just go to the gym.” I smiled because I had him cornered.
“For your information, I just had a consultation with a client—freelance stuff.”
“Uh-huh.”
He tried not to smile. His lips tensed in odds ways, like an unstoppable laugh was about to emerge.
I continued to glare at him.
Finally, he cracked. “Fine, whatever. I didn’t come here for the muffins—but the muffin girl.”
It would be difficult to hear any man call me that in an affectionate way—not when Hawke was the original person who bestowed it upon me. “At least you admit it.”
“Can’t a guy just stop by to see his girlfriend?”
“Girlfriend?” I shouldered my purse and closed the gap between us. We stood next to one of the empty tables while the customers remained in line.
He rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry, I just assumed…”
I wasn’t going to hold back anymore. Kyle was a great guy, and I was happy with him before Hawke intervened. Maybe we wouldn’t have a fairytale love story but I didn’t believe in those anymore. I wasn’t even sure if Hawke and I had something worthwhile. Maybe we were never soul mates. It was just a stupid dream for a stupid romantic. “It has a nice ring to it.”
He slowly lowered his hand, his charming smile returning. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Awesome. Would my girlfriend like to go for a bite?”
“I have been craving Taco Bell…”
He chuckled. “You’re the coolest girlfriend ever.” He wrapped his arm around my waist and walked me out.
“Because I like Taco Bell?” I didn’t realize that was a good quality.
He kissed me on the cheek. “It’s one reason—of many.”
***
We lay together on the couch and watched TV. His chest was a perfect cuddling spot. It was a little hard but it was also warm. His hand ran down my naked back and gently massaged the small muscles that flanked my spine.
We were watching Tangled, my favorite Disney movie.
“I like the horse,” he said. “He’s proud—like a soldier.”
“I like the chameleon.”
He rolled his eyes. “Everyone likes the chameleon.”
“He’s cute.”
He stopped staring at the TV and looked down at me instead.
“What?” My eyes were on the screen but I could feel his stare.
“I hate to bring this up again but…does what happened with Hawke mean you don’t want kids and a family?”
I suspected Hawke would haunt my new relationships, but I didn’t expect it to happen through my lovers. “I never said that.”
“So, you do? You want a husband and kids someday?”
“Absolutely.”
“But you said you would never love someone.”
“I never said I wouldn’t love someone.” My feelings were impossible to explain to anyone because they didn’t make any sense. “I have the capacity to love. I already love lots of people. I just meant I wouldn’t have that Romeo-Juliet thing going on. Having a family is something I really want. I want to help my kids with their bake-off sales, and sports, and homework. I want to be a mom, to love someone special with my whole heart. And I want a husband to share that experience with, a best friend that makes me enjoy life.”
“Can you picture me as your husband?”
“I don’t know…it’s a little soon for that.”
“But it’s a possibility? You aren’t reserving that spot for Hawke?”
“I told you I’m never getting back together with him.” I moved off his chest because the conversation became too serious to enjoy the movie.
“I know what you said. But I don’t understand why. I agree his reaction to his mother’s death wasn’t right but…I don’t see why you can’t forgive him. How is this any different than what he did the first time?”
Just when I thought this was over and in the past, it came back. “It’s different because I’m not letting some guy pick me up whenever he feels like it just to drop me off when things get too complicated. I may love him but I’m not a pushover. A real man doesn’t throw in the towel when things get difficult. I won’t let anyone treat me like that. I don’t care who it is.”
He watched me with an unreadable gaze. “So, it’s a matter of pride.”
“I wouldn’t say that. He promised he wouldn’t hurt me again. Then he betrayed that promise the next time there was a bump in the road. I gave him plenty of chances and tried to help him, but all he wanted to do was push me away. Now, I’m looking for the right guy to spend my life with, someone who won’t hurt me.”
“I won’t hurt you.”
I felt my heart soften. “I know.”
“Do you still think he’s your soul mate?”
That was a bitter topic. “I don’t know what I believe anymore. When we were together, it was beautiful and perfect. But how great could it have been if he left me like that? I’m starting to think I’m just some stupid girl that doesn’t know an ass when she sees one.”
“I wouldn’t say that.”
I pulled the blanket over myself to keep my naked body warm.
“I think you loved someone with everything you had. You gave it your all until there was nothing left. And now that you’ve seen it through, you’re certain he wasn’t the right one for you. Maybe he was your soul mate, maybe he wasn’t. But now you know he wasn’t the person you are going to spend your life with. Now you can move on—for good.”
“How can I move on if you keep asking about him?” It was a mean jab but I couldn’t help it. I finally stopped thinking about Hawke all the time but Kyle wouldn’t let the topic die.
“You’re right. I should let it go.”
I turned my gaze to the TV.
“I guess I just wanted to make sure he’s really gone—that I’m not competing with an unbeatable god. I wanted to make sure it’s safe to put my heart on the line. I wanted to know that I had a real chance.”
I turned back to him, subdued by his words. “You have nothing to worry about.”
He stared into my eyes and searched for my certainty. When he found it, he released a deep sigh. “Then I won’t bring it up again.”
“Thank you.” I crawled back on h
is chest.
“Can I say one last thing?”
“I guess.”
“I’m sorry he’s caused you so much pain, but I’m really glad he’s an idiot that can’t see the diamond right in front of his face. Because I can see it. It’s flawless and bright, containing more light than all the stars combined. It’s rare and remarkable, endlessly beautiful. I will treasure it and take care of it. Not a day will come when it will tarnish or be forgotten. It will always be kept safe—with me.”
Regret
Hawke
I was sick to my stomach.
Seeing her with someone else, especially Kyle, was brutal. My heart was cloven clean in two and now it didn’t work anymore. It was broken to begin with but now it was massacred into pieces. While I was high on my rampage, I wasn’t sure what she was doing.
But I didn’t expect her to be with him.
Not only was she with him, but she was happy. They were singing songs together in a karaoke bar, stupid love songs you heard at a convenience store. They acted like a couple, like they’d been together for years.
It was like our relationship never happened.
How long had this been going on? Did she go back to him the second we broke up? I hadn’t been with anyone else in six months but she was already back together with her ex?
Would she really do that?
Axel never mentioned it, and I couldn’t figure out why. A heads up would have been nice. He never said Francesca’s name but I assumed it was because there was nothing to say.
I stayed in my apartment and hardly moved. I didn’t hit the gym because I was too depressed. Hours passed while I lay on the couch, staring at the ceiling with all the lights off. Sometimes I could hear Francesca’s ghost if I was quiet enough. The memory of her life brought me comfort—but it also brought me pain.
***
Axel and I played basketball after work. We usually played one-on-one unless we found other guys to play with. Running up and down the court with a ball in my hand was a lot better than hitting the treadmill.
The treadmill was boring.
He talked about Marie on and off as we played, his favorite subject to discuss.
“Kids anytime soon?”
“God, no.” He dribbled the ball then tucked it into his side. “I’m not ready for that. Right now, I’m just enjoying being married. It’s weird to think I actually got married. And it’s even weirder to think I actually like being married.”
“You found the right person. It’s not that strange.”
“I don’t know if Marie is necessarily the right person.” He walked to the bench where his water bottle was. “I don’t know if I’m the right person for her. I just know I want her more than anyone else.”
I stared at him with new eyes, knowing that was the wisest thing he’d ever said.
He sat down and took a drink. When he noticed my stare, he said, “What?”
“Nothing.” I took a seat and rested my arms on my knees.
“I want kids someday. The idea of seeing Marie big and round with my baby would be cute.”
I understood the sensation. I’d thought about Francesca in the same way. It was hard to believe we’d been broken up for so long. When I took this emotional journey, I never expected it to last this amount of time. “So, Francesca is with Kyle again?” It was stupid to ask Axel about it but I needed to know. I couldn’t ask her myself and pry into her life like that. It was none of my business.
He noticeably tensed beside me, abandoning his water bottle. “What?” The threat in his voice was unmistakable.
“I saw the four of you together at karaoke the other night.”
He leaned back against the bench and stared at me.
“How long has that been going on?” I stared across the court, careful not to make eye contact with him.
“Why do you give a damn?” Axel hadn’t told me off for what I did to Francesca. I suspected he bottled it inside because Francesca asked him to. I lost one parent then tried to murder the other one. I was in some serious shit at the time.
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“Because you dumped her and took off—again.”
I rubbed my palms together, knowing what was coming.
“You have a lot of fucking nerve, you know that?”
I kept my voice calm so the argument wouldn’t escalate. “I was just asking—that’s all.”
“Why are you asking? Because you don’t want to be with her until someone else wants her? You don’t want her but no one else can have her?” He left the bench and rose to his feet, the ball slowly bouncing away and his bottle abandoned on the chair.
“That’s not what I said.”
“Well, that’s what I’m hearing. You really fucked up Francesca the first time and then you ditched her again a second time. All she was trying to do was be there for you but you wouldn’t let that happen. You pushed and pushed until she finally turned her back. In case you didn’t notice, my sister isn’t the type of girl who puts up with an asshole like you. She’s much better than that—much better than you.”
***
I was beginning to understand the extent of the damage I’d caused.
I chased away the woman I loved.
I turned my best friend against me.
Obviously, Marie wanted nothing to do with me.
If my plan was to get everyone to hate me, I succeeded.
Six months ago, I wasn’t in the right state of mind. When I lost so much so quickly, I fell into a dark abyss I couldn’t crawl out of. Francesca claimed I wouldn’t have shot my father, but I would have. The guilt weighed my shoulders down dangerously, causing so much strain they could snap at any moment.
The fact I had no one to blame but myself made everything worse.
I shoved her things in boxes and demanded she take them with her. I told her I didn’t want her anymore and that I would hurt without any warning. Unforgiveable words left my mouth as I tried to get her to stay away from me.
Now I was here—alone.
Axel didn’t provide the information I needed. I wanted to know how serious this relationship was with Kyle. Did she immediately call him the second I was gone? How long had they been sleeping together?
Did she still love me?
I should keep my distance and leave her in peace. After what I did, I didn’t even deserve a conversation. And if she really was happy with Kyle, the right thing to do was stay out of it. Maybe he fixed all the broken pieces I shattered. Maybe he gave her the normal, healthy relationship that I could never provide. Maybe he never struggled with his anger.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Every memory came back to me, more vivid than the previous one. She and I shared so much together. We created so much beauty in just our embraces. What I had was rare and pure.
Then I threw it away—again.
Sorry wouldn’t cut it. Another promise would be meaningless. There weren’t any tricks left up my sleeve. All I had was love.
Would that be enough?
***
The only time I could speak to her alone was when she got to The Muffin Girl early in the morning. She opened the store for her employees and got to work in her kitchen. I stood a few feet away and watched the distant rays of the sun peek over the skyscrapers. It was a cold morning, cold enough for dew to form on the leaves of the trees.
She walked up the sidewalk with her Beats on, looking cute as hell. I hadn’t seen her in so long and never forgot her face, but I was amazed by her beauty—as always.
Her hair was in a high ponytail, slicked back with experienced hands. She wore skinny jeans with distant flour stains on the front, and her black sweater had the bakery logo on it. She was staring at her phone, probably playing a game to pass the time on her walk.
When she arrived at the store, she inserted her key and got the door open. The alarm went off so she immediately jogged to the panel in the back of the store to disarm it.
I slipped inside and locked the do
or behind me.
The alarm stopped beeping, and her voice trailed to my ears. She was singing quietly under her breath, something from Shakira. Instead of making my presence known, I just listened, missing the sound of her voice.
Her words suddenly died in her throat, like she realized she wasn’t the only person in the shop. She couldn’t see me and had no way of knowing I was there, but somehow she knew.
She knew it was me.
She didn’t reveal herself from the back of the store. It was dead silent, the kind of silence that makes your skin prickle. The lights were on but it suddenly felt dark. My heart ached in my chest, loving the fact she could still sense me after all this time. We were still in tune just as much as before. There was static in the air, a different hum that only the two of us could hear. We operated at a different frequency than everyone else.
Her footsteps slowly thudded against the checkerboard black and white tile as she came from the back of the shop. She walked slowly, taking her time before she reached me. She dragged it out as long as possible, dreading the forthcoming conversation.
Then she appeared.
Her rose gold beats were around her neck and her phone was stuffed into her front pocket. She stared at me with shielded eyes, hiding every thought deep inside herself. Instead of appearing livid by my unwelcomed entrance, she didn’t show any kind of emotion at all.
She kept walking toward me, her eyes trained on me like we were about to draw weapons on each other.
Feeing her look at me, acknowledging that we were in the same room together, gave me the oddest sense of satisfaction. It gave me a high that wouldn’t die down. The connection that we both recognized long ago was still there. I could feel it in the thump of my heartbeat. It was loud in every breath I took.
She stopped when we were five feet apart. Her eyes locked on mine and she didn’t blink. Her stance wasn’t hostile but it was clear she didn’t want me there. Even five feet was too close for her.
Without saying a single word, she told me how she felt. Last time, she was indifferent to my presence. But now, she despised me. She loathed me for the way I treated her. There was nothing she wanted more than to never see my face again. My actions were unforgivable, and on that day, when she told me she would never give me another chance, she meant every word.