by E. L. Todd
I love you so much, son. I hope this note finds its way to you just in case I can’t.
Love always,
Mom.
A picture came with the note. Mom and I sat at a bench in the park. I had a bag of bread in my hands while ducks gathered around us. It was a warm spring day, and it was just the two of us. I remembered it despite how young I was.
I sat on the ground and leaned against the bed, still holding the letter and the picture in my hands. My mind couldn’t process what I just read so I read through the words again, trying to wrap my brain around it.
Francesca sat beside me, her knees pulled to her chest.
After I read it three times, I folded it up, the picture tucked inside.
Francesca said nothing, giving me the floor.
I always knew my mom loved me even though she never rescued me from my insufferable existence. She wasn’t strong, not like Francesca. She didn’t have the strength to leave because she didn’t know how to make it happen. But I never judged her for that.
She wanted me to move to New York and start a new life. She wanted me to get away from this hellhole and find my own happiness. She knew she wouldn’t survive that night, but she stayed anyway.
But how could I have prevented that?
And her final words hit me in a dark place.
You’re nothing like him.
The words kept ringing in my brain like a distant bell.
You’re nothing like him.
Hope surged through my chest.
You’re nothing like him.
On The Other Side
Francesca
Now I understood why Hawke needed me on this trip.
No one could take all of that alone.
We walked into the hotel and approached my room. Hawke booked separate rooms for us, but they were right next door to each other. He’d been quiet ever since he read that letter. Not once did he speak but I understood exactly what he was thinking.
But I was surprised by his reaction.
Not once did he rip something apart or flip a table over. He took everything calmly and defused his anger in an appropriate way. Instead of destroying the house where his mother was killed, he went outside and destroyed the weapon that caused so much misery.
He stopped at my door and put his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “Thanks for coming with me. I wouldn’t have been able to do that without you.”
“I’m glad I came with you.” Together or apart, I loved him. When he was in pain, so was I. I wanted to be there for him always, no matter what happened between us. He could always count on me, and I could always count on him. We may not be lovers anymore, but our destiny was still tangled together regardless. “Will you be okay?”
“Tonight?” he whispered. “I probably won’t get any sleep. But I never do.”
I didn’t sleep well alone either. Even with Kyle, it wasn’t the best. “I’m next door if you need me.”
He nodded. “I know.” He turned away and headed to his door.
“Hawke?”
He turned back around.
“You handled everything so well today…” I didn’t ask the question because I didn’t know how to word it. No matter how it came out, it sounded insulting.
He came back to me, closing the gap between us. No one else was on the floor but he and I. “I’ve been seeing a therapist.”
I hid my shocked expression as much as possible. That didn’t sound like something Hawke would do, talk to a stranger about his troubles. He hardly talked to me about it. “Really?”
He nodded. “I think it’s helping. I’m learning that I’m a different person than my father was. All I have to do is remain focused, and I’ll never go down that path. And the letter my mom left…gives me the kind of encouragement I’ve needed for a long time.”
Whenever his mother said how similar he and his father were, it always ripped me apart inside. Hawke didn’t care about anyone’s opinion, but he always cared about hers. She poisoned his mind unintentionally, making him fear he was a monster in the same way his father was. “I’m glad.”
“I’m going in the right direction now. Even though my mom is gone, I don’t feel as much anger anymore. And I’m learning not to shut people out every time I get upset. I’m going to fix myself—for you.”
My fingertips and toes tingled in an inexplicable way. My body automatically reacted to those words, feeling a surge of hope that shouldn’t be there. I tried to keep my heart locked up tightly in its cage but he picked the lock loose. I kept the door shut but I feared it wouldn’t stay that way forever.
“You don’t trust me anymore and I completely understand why. But if I show you that I’m different, that I’ve changed, I hope you can trust me again. This time, I won’t hurt you. This time is the last time.”
My entire body ached for his but I kept myself under control. “Hawke, I’m with Kyle—”
“I know. But all three of us know it’s not going to last forever. It doesn’t compare to what you and I have. He may be the safe choice, but I can also be the safe choice. I’m getting better and I’m becoming the man you want. I will give you everything you want—you’ll see.”
***
I called Kyle before I went to bed.
“Hey.” He wasn’t happy that I went away with Hawke, and it was clear in his tone alone.
“Hi.”
“Going to bed?”
“Yeah. It was a long day.”
“I bet.”
I ignored the jab. “Hawke found a lot of old stuff at the house—including a letter from his mom.”
Kyle wasn’t a hateful person. He pitied anyone who deserved it, probably because he lost someone too. “What did it say?”
“That she loved him and wanted him to be happy. And that he’s nothing like his father.”
“Did that make him feel better?”
“It did.” It was the faith he should have gotten a long time ago.
“Maybe that will give him some closure.”
“I think it has.” Destroying the bat also helped but I wouldn’t mention that to Kyle.
“So…has he been wooing you the entire time?”
I never lied and I wasn’t going to start now. “Not really. He’s made a few comments here and there, but for the most part, he’s been pretty quiet. He’s going through a lot right now.”
“I can always join you.”
“I’m sorry, Kyle. It can only be me.”
He sighed in the phone, showing all his irritation without actually saying anything.
“You have nothing to worry about.”
To my surprise, he laughed. “I have nothing to worry about? You still claim this guy is your soul mate. It doesn’t matter how great I am or how well I treat you. I can never compete with that.”
His frustration was understandable. “But you don’t have to compete with that. I told you that’s not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for a friend I can spend my life with. Someone I can have kids with. You fit the bill, Kyle.”
“I fit the bill because you’ll never love anyone else besides him.” His voice was full of defeat.
His sadness hurt, but I didn’t let it swallow me up. “I didn’t mean to mislead you, Kyle. I told you what this was.”
“I know.”
“I hope you didn’t expect me to change my mind.”
“I think you could…if he wasn’t around.”
“Maybe. But it would take a very long time.”
“Well, I have nothing else to do.” He sighed into the phone again, his irritation seeping through the line.
Maybe this wouldn’t work with Kyle under the circumstances. Perhaps I needed to find a guy who lacked any capacity to love, a relationship of convenience. “I don’t think this is working anymore.”
Kyle’s voice came out louder through the phone. “That’s not what I want.”
“But I think it might be for the best. I don’t want to hurt you, Kyle. I care about you too much.”
“You aren’t hurting me. I just hate the fact he won’t disappear. It’s like he purposely haunts you.”
“Whether he’s here or not, he’ll always haunt me.”
Kyle breathed into the phone. “So, you still haven’t changed your mind about him? You’ll never take him back.”
After our conversation in the hall, my confidence was shaken. Hawke did something I never expected. He fixed the root of his problem so he could be free of his demons. Without them, he could be the man I’d always wanted. But I still couldn’t forget the way he left me again for six months. If I went back to him, I’d feel like a dog crawling back to its owner after it’d been kicked. My pride, sense of self-worth, and stubbornness wouldn’t allow that to happen. “No. I won’t take him back.”
Kyle fell silent.
“I’m not going to cheat on you. I have too much respect for you.”
When he spoke, his voice was full of affection. The jealousy and disappointment vanished into thin air. “I know, baby. If you haven’t taken him back after this long, I guess you never will.”
He was coming around and returning to his former self. Kyle was never possessive or jealous but Hawke made him say and do strange things. He still didn’t realize he was the winner. He was the winner by default—but the winner nonetheless.
***
Hawke searched the closet in the hallway and tossed all the garbage he found. There were old paper receipts, stuffed animals, and random junk. When he uncovered his mother’s clothes and jewelry, he boxed it up so he could drop it off at The Salvation Army.
“What are you going to do with the house?” I organized the dishes in the kitchen and wrapped them in bubble wrap.
“Sell it.”
“Are you going to fix it up?”
“Probably. No one would buy this piece of shit as is.” He removed a few binders and flipped through them.
Getting rid of the place was the best decision. I couldn’t picture Hawke ever living there or even renting it out. He should put it behind him and move on. “After a new coat of paint and new carpet, the place will look brand new.”
“I don’t know about that.” He flipped through the plastic sleeves of the photo album then stopped. His eyes were trained on something and he didn’t blink.
I suspected he uncovered more family pictures. I set the plates in the box before I joined him on the floor. “Whatcha got there?”
“Old pictures.” He looked through them slowly then flipped the page. Every picture was either of him as a little boy or of him and his mom. His dad was never in any of the photographs.
“You were so cute.”
“Thanks.” He turned the page and kept looking. The pictures showed his life from when he was born until he turned six or seven. After that, the pictures ended. That could only mean one thing.
“Your mother loved you so much.” Despite what happened, I could tell she cared for her son. It was a shame she wasn’t strong enough to leave when she had the chance. Both she and Hawke could have had a much different life.
“Yeah…I can tell.”
I rubbed his back gently, trying to comfort him.
He shut the binder and shoved it into the trash bag.
“Whoa, what are you doing?”
“I don’t want it. Looking at it causes me too much heartache.” He searched through the pile and discarded more junk.
I stared at the binder and watch it disappear under the rubble. It was such a waste to throw it away and I couldn’t part with it. I pulled it out then held it to my chest. “Do you mind if I keep it then?”
The look he gave me spoke volumes. He was moved by the gesture but heartbroken at the same time. The two of us were connected in such a strong way and nothing would ever change.
But I think that revelation hurt him more.
***
All the garbage was tossed in a dumpster, and all the valuable things were left on the driveway to be picked up by The Salvation Army. The house was left empty, nothing but floorboards and walls.
When Hawke walked out of there, he seemed relieved the job had been completed. It took all weekend to do it, but together we managed to get it done. The only photo album we found was mine to keep.
I carried it under my arm as we walked down the hall to our hotel rooms. Hawke didn’t want it for many reasons, all of which I could understand. But I couldn’t part with such a treasure. The photos of Hawke as a little boy were something worth keeping.
He stopped in front of my door and faced me, a whirlwind of emotions etched on his face. He glanced down at the photo album before he looked at me again. “Thanks for doing this with me. I’m glad it’s done.”
“It’s no problem.” I didn’t mind helping him in any way possible. I wanted the best for him, in any capacity. If I ever needed him for anything, he would be there. “I wanted to be here.”
He stared into my eyes with his arms by his sides.
I held the binder to my chest, protecting my heart.
“Did you do the same thing with Axel?”
“And Yaya.” I remembered that day clearly. We had to go through all of their things and figure out what to do with them. Some things were kept but most of it was thrown away. We sold the house and saved the money for college.
“Then you understand what I’m feeling.”
“I do.” The only difference was our childhoods. Mine was happy, with two parents who loved me more than themselves. I never felt unsafe in my own home. Of all the places I wanted to be, home was number one. But Hawke hated his past. I think in many ways it made it worse. “Will you be okay for the night?” If he wasn’t, there wasn’t much I could do. I couldn’t sleep with him.
“I’ll be fine.” He didn’t turn for the door. His eyes were still trained on me, saying the things his lips hadn’t. His damaged heart was deep in his eyes. Being back in that home where both of his parents died took a toll on him. And his soul was broken from losing me because of it. He was at the lowest point in his life, having nothing to live for.
Like always, I ached for him. When he left the first time, I was desolated in the same way. The rising and setting of the sun meant nothing to me. Every day was just a painful blur. Without him in my life, I didn’t know how to live anymore.
No matter what either one of us did, we were constantly pulled back to each other. Together or apart, we couldn’t escape. Our lives traveled on the same line, and while there were breaks in its continuity, it never faltered on its course.
His eyes burned for my touch, needing me to comfort him in a way only I could accomplish. After everything we’d been through, my soul was still tightly wrapped around his. They formed a tangled mess that couldn’t be pulled apart. I felt weak, my defenses coming down.
Hawke closed the gap between us and cupped my face with both of his hands. His fingers dug into my hair slightly and they felt warm to the touch. The second his hands were on me, I felt lighter than air. His embrace brought a type of comfort that couldn’t be duplicated by anything else.
My hands slid over his, and I gripped his wrists, feeling his distant pulse. I knew he wasn’t going to kiss me. Hawke wouldn’t do that, put me in a situation that would compromise my integrity and virtue. But he couldn’t stop himself from doing—whatever it was.
He pressed his forehead to mine and stood there, our bodies locked together in an intimate embrace. He breathed deeply, treasuring the quiet moment outside the hotel room. A kiss wasn’t shared but all of his emotions spread through me like an incoming tide. We touched everywhere, infecting my most intimate place.
My breathing hitched as I felt the tremors. His gentle breaths fell on my face, just the way they used to when we made love. His nose rubbed against mine, just the way it used to before he said goodbye. Every thought and emotion he had was transferred into me. Wordless communication erupted and we just existed together, blocking the rest of the world and focusing on us.
Lovers or friends, it didn’t make a difference.
The words we used to say to each other were as real as ever. They’d never faltered in their truth, only their context.
We are forever.
***
I dreaded seeing Kyle because I didn’t want to tell him what happened. Just the previous day, I told him he had nothing to worry about, but then a few hours later, Hawke and I had a moment neither one of us could resist.
Kyle came into the bakery just as I got off work. We usually spent every weekend together, and since I was gone for the past few days, I knew he was eager to see me. “There’s my lady.” He wrapped his arms around me and dropped me into a dramatic dip. He kissed me hard on the mouth before he pulled me back up.
“Wow. That was quite an entrance.”
“That’s what the ladies tell me.” He eyed the muffins I just finished and snatched one. “Sometimes I’m not sure if I come in here to see you or to get free food.”
“Well, Marie will be the first one to admit it’s for the free food.”
He chuckled. “Since she was honest about it, I guess I can be as well.”
The mention of honesty brought the guilt.
“So, you’re coming over, right? I didn’t get much sleep this weekend.”
Neither did I. “Kyle, I need to tell you something.”
He stopped chewing in mid-bite and looked devastated. He watched me with pained eyes before he forced himself to swallow the piece in his mouth. “I’m not sure if I want to hear it.”
“I’m not sure if I want to tell it.”
He set the half eaten muffin on the counter top. “You slept with him?” He didn’t look me in the eye as he asked the question. He didn’t even seem mad if my answer was yes. It was like he expected it.
“No.”
“So, you kissed him?”
“No.”
He raised an eyebrow. “You got back together?”
“No.”
“Frankie, I’m out of guesses.”
“He walked me to my door to say good night and…we had a moment. He pressed his forehead to mine as he cupped my face and we stood there for a long time… I’m sorry.”