by Lucy Alice
While Aiden gets a light breakfast together, I turn the oven on and chop potatoes. We’re having a simple lunch, hopefully with Sarah and Jamie, but it still needs to get cooking and it’s almost midday. I also decide that if we’re having company, we should both get dressed and move our sleep nest so that people have somewhere to sit. Aiden’s broken out the Sunday best tableware from somewhere, complete with white tablecloth, a deep red table runner, and china crockery. He’s put out wine glasses and lit tapered candles in beautiful tear drop shaped glass holders. I’m a little taken aback. It looks amazing, but he just shrugs. “I was an only child. I set the table for every meal, including Christmas.” I keep my smile to myself.
It’s a little after noon when, within 15 minutes of each other, Jamie and Sarah arrive. The cottage smells of roasting chicken and garlic, and I discovered a Christmas pudding in the cupboard - those things have a forever lifespan - which is boiling nicely in it’s cloth on the stove. It feels like a really real Christmas. I can’t believe this is my life. For now, anyway.
We make introductions and Aiden is a perfect host. Sarah makes big eyes at me and I know I’m going to be peppered with inappropriate questions, first chance she gets. Aiden has laid the pictures I gave him out on the mantle above the fireplace and Sarah notices them immediately. She grabs my hand and holds it up next to the photo of it and side eyes me. I just grin at her.
Jamie arrives and him and Aiden share a huge, long hug. Jamie says how glad he is to be back on the farm for Christmas, examining Aiden’s face closely as he says it. Aiden’s mouth twists a little, but he agrees that it’s good to be back. Jamie embraces me in a bear hug, too, lifting me off my feet, which makes me squeal, and Aiden mock scolds him.
Sarah helps me collect the food from the kitchen when we’re ready to eat, and under her breath she practically hisses at me.
“What the hell, Ambs? You’ve been loveshacking here for almost a week?”
I blush and nod.
“That’s...new,” she continues.
“I know. It’s all been very whirlwind. I was going to stay with Aiden for a couple of days because my boiler was broken, but he arranged for a guy to go in and fix it on Monday. We’re still here though, and I have no idea when he wants to head back to the city.”
“He is hot Amber. Please tell me he’s as good as he looks? Actually you know what, don’t. You have layers on layers of post coital glow all over you.” I can feel my cheeks going red, and I tell her to shush, but she’s not letting it go. “Tell me, quickly!”
“Hotter than hot, okay. Like huge, to start with, and unquenchable. I’ve never had anything like it!” My voice is breathy, and my heart rate speeds up just talking about it.
“Good.” Sarah says the words, but I can see there’s something else coming. She purses her lips when she’s measuring her words. “Good. But honey… I want you to enjoy yourself and have fun. But don’t get too attached, okay. People like this... “
“I know. I know, Sarah. I’m just trying to enjoy it before reality returns, you know?”
She puts her arms around me in a big hug. I awkwardly hug her back as I have oven gloves on my hands and there’s a good chance they’re dirty from when the gravy sopped over the edge of the bowl. At just that moment Aiden comes into the kitchen to see if we need a hand.
“Gotten lost, Kitten? Oh, sorry... “ We break free and I laugh.
“No, just having a moment.”
“Sorry, I can leave.” He turns away, but Sarah stops him.
“No need,” she says. “You can carry the veggies through.”
So like Sarah. Bossing someone around in their own house. He grins at me, grinning at her, picks up the veg and as he passes me, he plants a quick, soft kiss on my nose as Sarah quirks her eyes at us.
“Get a room,” she says, and we both laugh.
*AIDEN*
Lunch is done and it’s one of the best meals I’ve had in a long time. I think that’s a lot to do with the company and the venue. Jamie is his usual, charming self, and Sarah is reserved but friendly. I keep catching her staring at me and I’m not sure she’s convinced by me. I can see a ‘we need to talk’ and ‘if you hurt her, I’ll kill you’ in our future.
I stand up to start gathering lunch dishes, and motion to Jamie to join me. He grabs the serving dishes and shushes Amber’s arguments about him being our guest. I don’t miss the ‘our’ in that, and I don’t bother suppressing my smile at their banter.
We deposit the dishes in the kitchen, scraping off scraps and filling up the dishwasher and I ask Jamie to grab what I asked him to pick up for me.
“Are you sure about this, Aid?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“It’s very quick, brother. You know that. She’s a great woman. Smoking body, and those eyes…” I give him a ‘watch it’ look, and he holds up both hands, “I’m just saying, I get it, but you know I’m right. You’re moving fast. Faster than even your record.”
“I know. I know it is, but this time is different, J. I don’t… I can’t even explain it. She’s under my skin. And it’s not like I’m proposing. We’re not getting married. If it doesn’t work,” I shudder at the thought and swallow hard, “then it doesn’t work.”
“Okay.” He is nodding his head and he is pensive, but he goes to his coat pocket and retrieves a small square box.
Now it’s my turn to raise my eyebrows, and I guffaw out a laugh. “A ring box? No wonder you’re worried.” I make a few adjustments to the gift, adding the important bit.
We finish up in the kitchen talking shit about nothing consequential, but when we return to the table with the Christmas pudding there’s a tension between Sarah and Amber. I get the distinct impression we’ve interrupted something, and I’m about to ask, but Amber stands up to help me with the dessert and puts on a huge smile. She asks Jamie something I didn’t actually hear because I’m trying to catch her eye, trying to see that she’s okay. She avoids my eye though, and I have a gnawing bad feeling.
Dessert is a little quieter. I have a sudden thought that my mum bought this pudding for a Christmas dinner she never got to eat. Sarah and Jamie are talking about a recent movie they’ve both seen and Amber is nodding along, but she’s not saying anything. There’s a slight crease on her forehead and I’m sure she’s not even listening. I don’t want today to go wrong, so I suggest we move to the fire in the lounge.
“We can clear up once the current load is finished,” I say indicating in the direction of the kitchen when I see Amber starting to reach for plates. “Come join me for a bit?” I hold out my hand for hers.
She smiles at me, but it’s not reached her eyes. She takes my hand and I pull her in for a kiss. Jamie is pouring drinks in the living room and I’m not sure where Sarah’s gone, so I kiss her long and deep.
“Is everything okay, Kitten? You seem distracted.”
“Yeah, everything’s fine. Just… don’t worry about it. Let’s go.” She smiles again and shakes her shoulders and arms, as if she’s shaking water off her body. I frown, but follow her out of the dining room.
We position ourselves together on the sofa. She’s sitting next to me but I lift her legs and pull them over mine in a sideways straddle. I see her glancing at Sarah, who looks at her and away again, and now I’m sure something’s happened, but I don’t know how to broach it without risking ruining the afternoon. I think maybe Sarah’s worried about the same things Jamie’s concerned about, so I decide to take the plunge. I’m going to show Sarah and Jamie that I’m serious about Amber. I’m going to show Amber that it’s her I want, it’s her I want to wake up to, share my days with, come home to, touch, kiss, fuck, fall asleep next to, and if I’m lucky, wake up the next morning and do it all again.
I reach into my pocket and pull out the ring box.
“I haven’t given you your Christmas present yet, Amber.” Her eyes meet mine, and then fall to my hand and her eyes go big. “It’s not a ring, mind you, despite the box.” Sh
e smiles at me and I get the feeling she didn’t think for a second that it was, though Sarah lets out a long, audible breath. I flick my eyes up to hers for a moment and she’s all but scowling at me. I don’t know what the fuck this woman’s problem is suddenly, but it’s starting to piss me off. I look at Jamie and see him watching her, his head tilted sideways like he’s trying to figure something out too.
Amber, on the other hand, misses all these exchanges and is just looking at the box in my hand. I’ve not moved, so she looks up at me, and reaches for it. I realise I’m acting weird now, so I move forward and try to focus on just her again, but I’m suddenly wishing I’d saved this for later, when we’re alone.
Amber lifts the lid on the little dark blue box and immediately her face breaks into a giant smile.
“It’s a kitten keychain!”
“For my Kitten”, I’m smiling at her delight.
Her fingers dip into the box and she pulls out the small silver cat keychain, inlaid with Swarovski crystals in a silver cat outline. As she pulls it out, a set of keys jangle out too and she looks at me questioningly.
I pull her closer into my body. “They’re to my place in Hyde Park. Or our place, if you’ll move in with me?” Amber’s eyes go huge, and I am sure she’s about to say yes, when suddenly Sarah stands up with an actual huff sound and walks out of the room. Amber’s eyes shoot to her and before I can even stop her or grab for her, she’s stormed out after Sarah.
I look over at Jamie in absolute consternation.
“What the fuck?” we say at the same time.
~ 14 ~
*AMBER*
I abso-bloody-lutely hate these moments. I wish there was a way to do an opposite photo, like where you bleach a memory from your brain so that I never have to remember Sarah storming out of the room again.
I know what she’s thinking and I’m furious. I wish I’d never invited her. I have my own fears, I don’t need her reinforcing them on what was a magical day, till she opened her mouth.
It started while the guys were clearing away the dishes. I asked her how Steve from IT was doing, and she immediately dismissed the question. She hadn’t seen him since before their cancelled Ice Ball date. She obviously didn’t want to talk about it though, so I dropped it. She was quiet then, so I asked if everything was okay with Jayden, her brother.
“He’s fine. Gave him his present this morning, so he’ll be playing one of the new games all day.”
“That’s good.” I stay quiet. Waiting.
“The new nurse working out okay?”
“What is this, Amber? The sodding Spanish Inquisition?” She’s agitated, clearly, but I can’t tell why. She seemed more or less okay till just now.
“Uhm… I’m just asking how things are going with my friend who seems a little off today?”
“Everything’s fine, Amber. We can’t all be in a loved up cocoon. Some of us have real lives with real problems and no Prince Fucking Charming to sort it all out for us, okay?”
“What the hell, Sarah?” I’m getting irritable now. I have no idea where this has all come from especially as Sarah knows full well that my life is pretty damn real.
Just then the boys walked back in and I tried hard to smile at Aiden and carry on as before but I don’t think he bought it as he had gone really quiet during dessert.
When I opened that gift box - I can’t help smile to myself - I just loved it. A keyring of my nickname? That’s as thoughtful as our photographs are. The keys were a surprise, but I’ve not even had a chance to think about it, because now I’m standing outside the house without a coat, yelling at my best friend.
“What the hell, Sarah?” I say again, but this time I want an answer.
“This is stupid Amber! You can’t move in with a guy you’ve known a week!”
“Why? You go home with guys you just met all.the.time! Why is this different?!”
“For the night Amber! I go home in the morning, before the morning, even. You can’t fall in love with someone in two weeks! It’s bullshit! It’s fairy tales! It’s reading too many romance novels! It’s not real. It doesn’t happen.”
I take a step back, almost falling, as if slapped by the words she’s spitting out at me. Suddenly I can’t take it any more, and all the fear, all my past mistakes, all my own uncertainty comes bubbling to the surface. I hold both hands to my face and burst into tears. Right now I know only three things: One. I am totally enamoured with Aiden. Two. I have shocking history with relationship decisions. Three. Sarah is my friend. She’s the kindest person I know. Since she sat down next to me at our induction day at the firm, she’s been the closest person in my life and if that person can see something I can’t see … I need to take a step back.
She’s stopped yelling at me, and I’ve curled up on my haunches, crying, trying to sort this mess out in my head. Sarah kneels down next to me, putting her arms around me.
“You do this, Ambs”, she says quietly, “and in a week, or a month or three months he’ll be done with you and you’ll be out on your ass! I’m not saying don’t be with him, but you need to take it slower. You need to protect your heart, because when he’s chewed you up and spat you out… what’s going to be left, and who’s going to be left picking up the pieces?”
I nod, and my heart breaks, because I know she’s only saying what I was thinking just yesterday.
“Let me take you home. Take a few days, think things over, give yourself time before you answer him. If he cools off, then you know it was just an illusion cast by sex and fairy lights and you’ve saved yourself a river of heartbreak”.
I nod, but what Sarah doesn’t realise is that I’m already adrift, lost at sea, and the thought of leaving Aiden behind is a tidal wave drowning my soul.
Aiden walks out just then with our coats.
“What the fuck is going on here?,” he scowls at Sarah but doesn’t give her time to answer. “Kitten, come inside, you’re freezing!” He bends down and physically lifts me up, his arms under my knees and around my back. I put my arms around his neck and sob into his chest.
Aiden walks into the house, past the living room where Jamie’s sitting with his eyes closed, elbows resting on his knees, his thumbs pressed into the hollow where the eyes and the nose meet. Aiden walks deeper into the house to his old bedroom where our clothes and bags are. He kicks the door shut behind him and gingerly puts me down on the bed.
“Amber?” His voice is quiet, cautious.
“I’m so sorry, Aiden”. I’m looking up at him and I think I read concern, worry, maybe even fear, in his eyes, but Sarah’s words are ringing in my ears, so I’m not sure if it’s there, or if I’m just seeing what I want to see.
“Is it the gift? The keys? I didn’t want to freak you out. I just thought you like it at my place. It’s across from the park, it’s a great neighbourhood, you seemed to love the light and you loved the view, it’s bigger and has more room and it’s warmer than your place.” He carries on, telling me all the benefits of his apartment, and as I listen, I realise what his explanation is missing: he’s not saying he wants to live with me. He’s listing all the reasons it’ll be good for me. The ways it’s better, the ways he can “save” me. The realisation washes over me like cold water and I stop crying. He is a good guy, he’s galloping in on a white horse, he is Prince Charming, but he never had to search for me. Maybe I’m not Cinderella after all.
I gather myself together, clutching desperately to these final moments of lying in his arms, but then I stand up and start collecting my few things around the room. Most of my clothes were in my bag anyway, so there are just some toiletries to get from the bathroom.
“I have to go with Sarah. It’s for the best.” My voice is quiet and hitches on the last bit.
“What? No, it’s not. What are you doing Amber? Stop!” He grabs my hands trying to get the bag from me, trying to pull me back into his body, but I pull away and walk out the room.
“Sarah, let’s go.” I stop at the kitchen, lo
oking at the mess it all still is, and I’m about to suggest we just tidy up before going, but I know if I hang around I’ll break. I walk into the living room where Jamie is still sitting and open the gift box again. Jamie looks up and asks what’s going on. I just shake my head, and slide the keys off the keyring. It’s not fair, maybe, but I want to keep the kitten. I have to keep something that reminds me of these beautiful days spent in a cottage wrapped in a bubble the likes of which I’m never likely to know again.
“Don’t do this to him, Amber.”
“It’s for the best, Jamie. Rather now than when it’s too late and there’s no coming back.”
“Fine, if you don’t feel the same way, I get it, but pretend. Act. Just till you get back to London. Don’t do this to him here.”
I’m about to ask what he means, the same way? Pretend? Act? But Sarah walks in with my things from the bathroom and picks up my luggage.