“Your voices are pitched nine percent higher than average—and you’re speaking thirteen percent faster. Technically, you are within a vocal range labeled WEIRD. Is something . . . WEIRD . . . going on around here?”
“Nope,” said Max, looking pointedly at Min. Min shook her head but kept quiet.
House considered. “Oh, I know. This is probably about your ParentorGuardians leaving the country. As children, you are experiencing a condition of . . . WEIRD . . . ness.” House sighed melodramatically. “I know it must be . . . so, so hard, my little lost lambs . . . having your ParentorGuardians gone.”
House occasionally quoted Netflix shows, especially when trying to approximate Organic emotions. (Mrs. Reynolds next door had very poor hearing, and the entire Wengrod household was more than familiar with a whole category of streaming Nordic Crime Drama programming as a result.)
“What is that one, Days of Summer Fjords?” Max asked, hoping to distract House from the weirdness.
“Affirmative.”
“Really?” Min looked over at House’s screen. “What episode? Did they find the body yet?” She pulled the door open, hoping to escape this conversation.
“Not yet, although, spoiler alert, they did find . . .”
House’s spoiler was itself spoiled when Joan Drone came buzzing through the front door. Joan’s whirring propellers—which sounded like a swarm of bees—drew the immediate attention of the kittens. Scout popped his head out from behind the upside-down flower box and inched forward to stalk this new prey . . .
Min, standing in the doorway, looked over at Max, eyes wide. He saw Scout too. Uh-oh. They both watched as the kitten crept through the grass, hunched low, tail wiggling.
Joan didn’t notice and flew lower, confirming that Max had in fact arrived safely.
“Hey, let’s go inside, I’m starving,” Max began, desperate to avoid a disaster. “I’d love some pizza!”
But it was too late. Now Stu was also sneaking out from behind the flower box, curious to see where Scout was going.
Stu froze when he saw Joan flying above him like a giant buzzing insect. Then he crouched low and started creeping closer too. The hunt was on.
Both kittens were no more than a foot away from the bottom step now. Min almost smiled when she saw their tiny butts slowly wiggling. They were eyeing every loose wire that dangled from Joan’s robot frame. Assessing it for weaknesses. Vulnerabilities . . .
Min winced as Scout suddenly transformed into a blurry fur ball—and then flew wildly at Joan Drone—attack claws extended! Out of control, one paw batted Joan’s landing gear as it flew past.
BZZZZZZZT!!
Joan lost balance and quickly jerked back, alarm buzzer sounding loudly.
Stu continued the attack, barely catching a loose wire from the base of the drone and pulling Joan further off balance . . .
BWEEEBWEEEBWEEEEBWEEEBWEEE!!
Joan’s alarm went into full emergency mode as she jerked up, away from the kittens, and zoomed noisily back into the house.
The kittens, startled by the alarms, went streaking back to the safety of the flower box, diving through Min’s legs and scratching her on the way. “OWWW!” Min glared at Max.
“That was self-defense!” Max glared back, but he looked like he wanted to hide behind the flower box with the kittens. “It was an accident! You can’t be mad about an accident . . .”
House amped up the volume from its front-porch monitor. “Max, Min, what was that terrible noise? What accident? Why did Min just scream; are you in pain?”
Nobody said a word.
House cranked up the volume even louder. “I repeat: Min, are you hurt? Should I call nine one one? I’m calling nine one one.”
“It’s not an emergency, House!” Max exclaimed, exasperated. Min looked like she disagreed, but her brother ignored her. “It’s only, um, kittens,” he tried again, sounding stressed.
House paused, camera surveying, processing this new information. “Kittens. Small, undeveloped . . . cats?” House’s screen began to pulse red with alarm. “Children, this will not do. My instructions are quite clear on this topic. No animals are allowed at the Wengrod Household.”
“For once, I agree with Big H.” Min smiled.
“Well, it’s common sense really. Even a cursory review of the internet supports this decision.” House’s logo spun and a series of images flashed on-screen. “Consider the fur, the dander, the fleas, the claws, the . . . biological . . . outputs.” Did Max hear a hint of disgust in House’s voice? “These creatures carry contaminants that could cause untold problems with not only the human respiratory system, but the sensitive technology held inside.”
House considered. “It may not be an emergency, but it is certainly an INFESTATION. I’ll call an exterminator immediately.”
Max panicked. “What? No, House! No EXTERMINATING! They’re just babies!”
House stood its ground. “My protocols are quite clear. No animals in the house. The Felis catus subspecies, in particular, is mischievous and unpredictable. Undeniable. Why, in the last twenty seconds I reviewed four thousand three hundred twenty-two videos documenting the chaos and havoc caused by these animals.” Cat videos filled House’s screen. “I find it disturbing, to be quite honest.”
“Okay, I get it,” Max said. “You have a thing about cats, just like Min.”
“What?” Min looked at him.
“Yeah,” Max said. “You both have a thing, like, a prejudice or whatever. Only against cats.”
House agreed with him. “You are right, Max, I have a thing against cats. And it’s more than just common sense. It’s called a setting. It’s like a rule. We all need them. They tell us how to behave. In this case, my settings in Home>Rules>Pets are clearly set to NO.”
“Never?” Max asked.
“Not without explicit instructions from a Master User, and unfortunately the ParentorGuardians aren’t available.”
“Max, House is right.” Max looked so sad, Min almost felt bad for him. “They’re wild animals.” She tried another angle. “Besides, think about the danger to them in there! All the electrical wires they could chew on. The batteries they could accidentally eat . . .”
“They won’t eat your stupid batteries—and we can borrow food from next door.”
So much for being nice, Min thought. “Well, what about my project? Hello, the Battle of the Bots is the day after tomorrow. I can’t have cats, like, peeing in my circuits!” Min wasn’t joking now.
Max knew his sister never joked about Battle of the Bots.
But before he could respond, a noisy, beat-up car pulled up to the gate . . . and Cousin Javi hopped out. “HEY-Y-Y-Y!”
Cousin Javi was a mess of brown curls, brown skin, brown freckles—and then a general collection of lanky limbs and elbows, all wrapped in a T-shirt with “#resist” printed on it.
“Phew, Javi! Thank goodness!” Min brightened.
“Javi! Save me,” Max shouted.
9
The Negotiator Arrives
“What’s up, babies? I heard you need to be sat on? Get it? Babysitter?” Max and Min were too busy glaring at each other to laugh.
Cousin Javi raised an eyebrow, grinning. “Nothing? Wow, tough crowd.” Javi had a smile that was every bit as happy as the Wengrod knees were knobby, which was saying something. Javi Wengrod was also super smart and, after graduation from UCLA, was planning on being a judge. (Judge Javi!)
Javi was nonbinary, something Max and Min understood but the older Wengrods, and a lot of people, didn’t quite get at first. Which meant Javi spent a LOT of time explaining what it meant.
Whenever the subject of Javi being nonbinary came up, the conversation usually went something like this:
Q: So, what even is NONBINARY? [often in a condescending tone].
A: It means if you asked me I wouldn’t say I was a BOY or a GIRL.
Q: Um, you have to be something, and you can’t just choose your gender. You’re born that way
.
A: You mean, we are all born with a certain body that has certain parts.
Q: Exactly. So are you a BOY or a GIRL?
A: Neither.
Q: Ugh! Then what are you?
A: I’m a PERSON. A HUMAN BEING. A UNITED STATES CITIZEN. A lot of things.
Q: But you HAVE to be a BOY or a GIRL!
A: Oh? Why is that?
Q: [Usually a long pause here] Well . . . Oh, I know! So you know what bathroom to use!
A: No, not at home. Or a lot of places, actually. Bathrooms can be shared by all people.
Q: [Another pause] Well, how do you know what team you’re on, or what toys you like, or . . . hmm.
A: Let me help you out. You consider yourself a GIRL, right?
Q: Duh.
A: Okay, so that means you’re bad at science, want to be a mommy, and love pink.
Q: Uh, says who? I love chemistry, I hate pink, and babies are gross and annoying.
A: Exactly! Says who! You should get to decide what you like, how you dress, what you do with your life! If you want to wear a dress and play football and be an astronaut, why not?
Q: So you’re saying the whole BOY-versus-GIRL thing is something we just made up?
A: Mostly, yes, and it even changes depending on where you’re from. To me, gender is just a way to put people in one of two pre-defined boxes. But I don’t fit in either of those two boxes. So, I am NONBINARY.
Q: You know what, fine. You can be whatever you want, I guess.
A: Perfect. So can you.
(If Javi didn’t have time for all that, when someone asked they would just smile and say, “Google it.”)
One other thing about being nonbinary was, actually, more of a problem with English, and a lot of languages. In English, we have pronouns for people, but the only choices are “he” and “she.” But Javi wasn’t a “he” or a “she.” Instead, Javi preferred the term “they” and “them.” Which could get a little confusing, especially for older folks.
It had taken everyone a little practice at first, especially at the Wengrod reunions, but they got used to it after a while. Plus: you had to put a dollar in the “THEY” jar when you messed up and said “he” or “she” or “it” instead of “they” (“it” was the worst one, like Javi was a piece of furniture instead of a person), so that helped everyone remember.
Now nobody even thought about it.
They just did it.
Like this: Max and Min were always happy to have them around.
Or like this: Especially because when Javi made their famous apple pancakes, they dipped rings of peeled apples in cinnamon and pancake batter.
Or like this: Max and Min didn’t think it was weird to call Javi by whatever pronoun they wanted to be called, as long as everyone’s mouths were full of apple pancakes.
Javi looked at Max and Min and their angry faces. Undaunted, Javi set down their hiker’s backpack—covered with an assortment of pins and patches, including a rainbow, a peace sign, a planet Earth—and walked up to Max and Min, arms wide.
“Okay, kids, so what’s up? You guys look stressed. Freaked out being home alone all afternoon? I told your folks I’d get here as soon as I could . . . But hey, who randomly goes to China?”
A tiny mew came from behind Max, and Javi twisted to look, their eyes lighting up when they saw the little face behind the sound. “Whoa . . . a kitten?!” Javi crept close and squatted down near the kittens, gently extending a knobby finger near the planter. “Hey there, other baby . . .”
A curious pink nose peeked out and sniffed.
Then another pink nose joined it.
“Whoa, TWO kittens?!” Javi looked up and smiled as two pink tongues started licking their outstretched finger.
“Two unauthorized kittens,” House interrupted. “But no need to worry. I’ve got everything under control. It will all be taken care of . . . just as soon as the exterminator arrives,” the AI added.
“The . . . what?” Javi looked at the screen, then the kids. “That’s a joke, right? Because when your parents asked if I’d be in charge of you, they didn’t say anything about, you know, being in charge of a murder.”
“Wait!” Max’s eyes lit up. “That’s it! You’re in charge while Mom and Dad are gone, right?”
Min looked at her brother suspiciously. “So?”
“Oh yeah, big time,” Cousin Javi said, squatting next to the kittens. “I’m the big cheese. Grande quesadilla. Boss of the applesauce.”
“Hear that, House?” Max tapped on the screen. “That means Javi is a Master User, too, right? At least until Mom and Dad get home?”
House’s logo spun on-screen as it consulted settings. “Yes,” House said curtly. “According to my records, Javi was added as a temporary Master User earlier today,” House finally said. “My data table lists him . . .”
“Not him,” Min said automatically.
“Her . . .” House continued, alternating the pronoun designation in its system. Javi raised an eyebrow.
“Not her,” Max said automatically.
“I prefer the genderless ‘they’/‘them’ as pronouns, House,” Javi said diplomatically.
“They? Are you plural?” House queried.
Min held up a hand to Javi. “I got this.” She stepped to the monitor. “House, open up your Settings>Users>Javi menu.” Text scrolled on House’s monitor. “Add a custom language exception for User Javi, switching default pronouns from ‘he’ to ‘they,’ ‘his’ to ‘their,’ and ‘him’ to ‘them.’”
Javi whistled, impressed. Min shrugged but smiled. “I did a presentation on gender bias in software for school and used House as an example. I noticed most settings defaulted to male. Anyway, I learned a few tricks while I was doing my research.”
“You two give me hope in humanity,” Javi said, giving Min a hug.
House’s logo spun as it updated its language databases, and began again. “As I was about to say, Javi is listed as a temporary Master User, and they do in fact have permission to alter the Pets’ settings.”
“Okay,” Javi smiled. “That wasn’t so bad, was it, House?”
“Although,” House continued, “my recommendation remains to contact a reliable pest removal service, since the ParentorGuardians did quite clearly set the Pets’ option to None.”
“For good reason,” Min chimed in, rubbing her nose and sniffing dramatically.
Max, ignoring House and his sister, pressed his point, leaning close to the speaker. “But if Javi says the kittens can stay, you have to let them stay?”
Another pause as House considered. “Yes,” House responded, almost reluctantly.
The rules were the rules, especially where AI was involved, and nobody understood that better than the residents of the Wengrod house (or, in this case, the Wengrods’ House).
For the first time, Max had a flicker of hope.
10
Max Becomes a Cat Daddy
Min walked up to her cousin, hands clasped, pleading. “Javi, please, they’ll ruin everything!”
Max jumped in front of Min. “Come on, Javi, they need us!”
“Peace, my twin tornados!” Cousin Javi cut them off. “Enough fighting. I can’t handle you both fighting and then that grouchy House interface too.”
Javi stepped back and looked at Max, Min, and the kittens with an expression that had turned serious. Almost judicious. “Let’s see. Wow, okay. Seems like I stepped into some . . . drama . . . here. But also an opportunity! To practice conflict resolution!”
Max and Min sat down, patiently waiting for Judge Javi to reason things out.
Javi took a deep breath. “First things first. Okay, well, from a moral perspective . . . we probably shouldn’t exterminate them, right?”
House’s screen flickered, a digital throat clear, but it said nothing.
“I guess,” Min said. “We’re not monsters.”
“Good to know.” Javi scratched a head of floppy curls, staring at the kittens in fron
t of them. “However, your parents did have the Pets option set to None, and I understand why they would worry about wild animals running around in there with all the sensitive equipment.”
Min shot Max a triumphant look. “Exactly!”
Max’s shoulders slumped.
Cousin Javi sighed. “It’s a dilemma, all right. In fact, this may require what I like to call a compromise.”
“You mean when nobody gets their way.” Min sounded crabby.
“No, I mean when everyone gets a little of their way,” Javi answered cheerily.
Javi squinted up to the sky, considering all possible options. “Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. The cats stay . . .”
“Woohoo!” Max leaped up. Min glared.
“. . . but only temporarily . . .” Javi continued.
“Aww,” Max groaned, and sat back down. Min smirked.
“Temporarily, just like User Javi’s Administrative Privileges are temporary,” House piped up, screen flashing quickly off again. Max looked at the blank monitor. Why does it seem like House is taking this personally? Does House really hate cats?
“Temporarily. That’s right,” Javi agreed. “To give us time to find a shelter or a home for them, or at least to check with your folks. Until then, we’ll put them downstairs in the basement where they can’t wreck the lab or Min’s stuff.”
Max pumped his fist. “Yes!”
Min rolled her eyes. “Whatever. Compromises are dumb.” She opened the door and turned to glare at Max. “And Max, I swear, if those things do ANYTHING to my project, I’m throwing all three of you back into the river.” She marched inside the house and slammed the door shut behind her.
Javi sat down next to Max, arm around his shoulder. “She’s right about that. This is on you, got it? Until your folks get home, those kittens are your responsibility. And try not to get too attached, because when the two Master Users get back, all bets are off.”
Max hopped up and grabbed an empty box from near the recycling bin at the edge of the porch. “Temporary or not, I’ll take it.” A second later, he had scooped up both squirming kittens and plopped them inside, slapping the lid down before they could escape.
Cats vs. Robots, Volume 1 Page 4