What surprised me was how that summer I’d fallen into the routine so easily, and I loved every moment I was onstage. It was magical. There was an energy that came from the audience that fueled every performance. It drove me and excited me like nothing else I’d ever done in my life. And I tried to ignore the voice in the back of my mind, the one telling me not to get used to it. I wanted to just enjoy the feeling, live in that moment.
One show near the beginning of August, we were playing in a small rural sleepy eastern Colorado town. Knowing what little I’d known about this town which shall remain nameless, I hadn’t expected anything great. But they turned out to be one of our best audiences. They loved us and the other two bands we were playing with, and I was bummed we wouldn’t be coming back.
We were staying in another rundown cheap-ass motel, just like all the other ones we’d been staying in, places with worn yellow carpeting, faded beige drapes, and plumbing that had seen better days. The guys were drinking again, and they had girls in tow. But I’d been sitting at the round brown table in the corner, and I saw Ethan put what looked like a pill in his mouth before knocking it back with a beer. That was my opportunity. I didn’t have to guess anymore. So I walked up to Ethan and asked him if we could talk outside.
He agreed, and we stepped just outside the door on the sidewalk that served as a buffer between the parking lot dirt and the rooms themselves. He seemed guarded. Maybe he already knew what I wanted to talk to him about. “What’s up?”
I took a deep breath and forced myself to look in his eyes. “What are you doing, Ethan?”
“What do you mean?”
“I know you’re taking something.”
His eyes grew dark then, and I could see him shutting himself off. He narrowed his eyelids and got his face closer to mine. “And this is your business how?”
I hadn’t known what reaction to expect from him, but it certainly hadn’t been that. He was cold and closed in, already unwilling to talk. But I couldn’t just give up, not yet. “You’re my friend, Ethan, and you’re also kinda like my coworker now. What you do affects me, affects the other guys. I’m afraid of what you’re doing to yourself.”
“It’s no worse than drinking.”
“You don’t see me drinking.”
He raised his eyebrows. “I don’t see you lecturing the other guys either.”
Well, he had a point there. I wasn’t ready to give up yet, though. I grabbed his hand. “I’m not saying I approve, but you’ve seemed to function just fine with drinking. This…stuff, though. It’s like you’re numb, Ethan. It’s like you’re not here with us. It’s like you’re far away somewhere else.”
His eyes hardened. “You ever stop to think maybe that’s the only way I can do this?”
I was at a loss. No words wanted to form on my tongue, and I heard the door open behind me. But I ignored it and decided to try a tough love approach. “That’s bullshit, Ethan. I thought you loved this…and if you’re not giving it your all, if you’re not fully here, then you’ll never reach your full potential. You’re not just letting yourself down. You’re letting us all down.”
He grabbed my arm just above my elbow. His voice was low, almost like a growl. “Listen, Val, I know you think you know me, but you don’t. I do this shit to survive, and I’m here, all right? The day I don’t perform, the day I don’t show, that’s the fucking day you can tell me I’ve let you down. Till then…”—he let go of my arm then and started backing away—“not another goddamned word about it.”
That’s when I noticed Brad behind him. Brad wasn’t much taller than Ethan, but it was enough that I could clearly tell that was who it was. He put a hand on Ethan’s shoulder and said, “Everything okay here?”
Ethan gave him a dirty look. “Yeah. I was just leaving.”
I raised my eyebrows and nodded my head. I was pissed. “Yeah. So was I.” Apparently, Ethan wanted to self-destruct, and the rest of us be damned. I might have been naïve, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew about rock stars who’d killed themselves with drugs. And long before the point of death, they’d done stupid shit to damage their careers. How many concerts had The Doors’s Jim Morrison been late for? He’d been the first of a long line of rock artists known for letting drugs wreck their lives before they killed them, and I didn’t want Ethan to become just another rock star cliché.
For now, though, I had to let it go, so I just walked over to my room, leaving Brad standing alone. I didn’t slam my door, but I couldn’t sit down right away. I was angry at Ethan for just giving up, and I think I might have been even angrier that his friends seemed to be just letting him flush his life down the toilet while they watched.
So when I heard the knock on my door, I was really not in the mood. It was Brad, carrying two bottles of beer. I didn’t even know what to say, but I know the look on my face was not one of amusement or happiness. “What?”
He didn’t seem too amused or happy either. “Can I come in?” I didn’t say anything, just stepped back, pulling the door open further, letting him walk in. He sat at the chair up against the desk, so I sat on the edge of the bed. I still didn’t say a word. “Want a beer?” He handed the bottle to me, the neck tilted toward my hands. I shook my head. He placed the bottle on the desk and then twisted off the cap of the other bottle in his hand. “I know you want to help Ethan, Val, but what you’re doing now…he’ll just blow you off completely. He needs to realize on his own what he’s doing.” I rolled my eyes. “I mean it, Val. Don’t push him. Trust me. Doing that is a bad idea.” I sucked in a breath of air, considering arguing with him. “I don’t think he’ll overdose on it. I’ve never seen him go overboard.”
“But can he become addicted?”
His eyes looked sad then. “He probably already is.”
“And you just let him?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I let him? Like I’m his mom, or I have any control over what he does?” I just kept staring at him. “I have my own shit to deal with, Val. I’m not the fucking cops. That would be like me asking you why you just let him.”
At first, I wanted to tell him I’d only known Ethan for less than a year, that Brad and the other guys had known him for much longer. But then I realized Brad was right. Ethan was the only person responsible for Ethan. No one else here could control his life. Even I, with my good intentions, could only hope to reason with him. I shrugged my shoulders and made myself look at him. Then I nodded. “Fair enough.” I sighed. “But what can we do, Brad? We can’t just let him keep doing this.”
“What the hell are we supposed to do?”
Well, he had me there. Ethan wasn’t far enough gone to stage an intervention, and Brad was right. Until he admitted he had a problem, there wasn’t much we could do. “I guess there’s nothing. I just feel so helpless…and lame not doing anything.”
“How do you think I feel? I’m his best friend, and you were right about one thing. I used to encourage a lot of that shit. Hell, we used to do a lot of shit together. First time I tried meth and coke were with Ethan.”
I couldn’t help that my eyes grew wide. “You’ve tried meth?”
He shrugged. “Yeah.”
“Are you crazy?”
“Probably. Yeah…we did stupid shit, Val. Just…I knew when to stop. And…apparently Ethan doesn’t. And…at least he’s not hooked on something like meth.” He took a long draw off his beer. “So, we gotta be here for him. We need to catch him when he falls, because he will. He’ll fall. And that’s when he’ll decide he needs to do something different.”
I felt my expression soften. “So what’s the difference between you and him? Why could you stop and he can’t?”
“I don’t know. Maybe he has a more addictive personality than I do. Hell, I don’t know. Seriously, Val. The man’s been through hell. You have no idea. And this is one of the things he does to cope.”
So Ethan hadn’t been exaggerating when he’d said he did the drugs to survive. I’d never forget that, but
I wasn’t sure how I could help him…or even if I could help him. And I wanted to know what Brad knew, but I also knew Brad wouldn’t tell. He’d tell me I needed to ask Ethan, and I also knew Ethan would only tell me when he was damn good and ready and not a moment before…if ever. I nodded, letting Brad’s words sink in, that we had to just be there for Ethan. I knew he was right, and I hoped I could be strong for him.
“Offer on the beer still stand?”
Brad raised his eyebrows. “You serious?”
“I know…stupid.”
He laughed. “Nah. If you’re gonna drink, this is better than a lot of other things.” He twisted off the cap and handed it to me.
I took a sip. Yuck. I’d had beer before, and I’d never been a big fan. Just not a flavor that made me want to drink more. But I’d asked for it. Brad smiled at me. He knew, just like he knew way too many of my thoughts. I didn’t know that my expression had given it away, but he knew just the same. He said, “There’s something else we should probably talk about.”
I squinted my eyes. What now? Hadn’t we covered enough tonight?
“You and me. I want you to know I respect the hell out of you, Val. Now that you’re in the band, it’s hands off. I don’t want to lose you for Fully Automatic. You’re exactly what we needed. No way am I gonna fuck that up. So…I just wanted to assure you, in case you had any worries, that I’ll keep my hands to myself.”
Part of me was crushed. I’ll admit it. Brad and I had something between us, something I couldn’t name, but it was even stronger than what I felt for Ethan, and I don’t think Ethan knew that. But he was right. We needed to maintain a professional relationship, and even at that young age, I saw the wisdom in that decision. Brad was driven, determined to see his band go as far as it possibly could, and a fling…well, that could make a mess. I knew emotions could muddy the waters, and I respected his call. I held out my hand to shake his, and the warmth and electricity in his hand reminded me those feelings were still under the surface, but I’d have to ignore them now. “I respect you too, Brad, and I trust your decisions for the direction of the band.” I didn’t even think ahead to the fact that I’d be out of the band once school started up again. I was just living in the moment, enjoying it.
But we shook on that agreement that night, based on the hope that the band could get far. And I awoke the next morning, refusing to acknowledge the dream I’d had about him. If Brad was to keep his hands to himself, I had to keep my thoughts from myself…anyway I could.
Chapter Nineteen
Present
I’D HAD NO idea what becoming a mother would mean. Even with all the reading I’d done, the connecting with groups, and attending classes, I’d had no clue what I would be facing. It didn’t help that little Christopher had jaundice, so we had to take him in to the doctor frequently until it cleared up. But that first month was insane, and all I’d really wanted to do was to get to know my baby and figure out how to be the best mom I could. I’d decided to breastfeed, so I had to figure out how to do that in addition to all the other things Ethan and I were so new at and clueless about.
But by the second month, I was starting to believe Ethan, that he was leaving his old self behind. He wanted to be a loving father and husband.
The first time Christopher laughed, it was as though the world had stopped. Ethan had placed him on the floor on a blanket to change his diaper, and he was kissing the baby’s belly, rubbing his beard on him, just enjoying the feel of our child. Chris laughed. I got down on the floor too. My baby laughed! “Do that again,” I said to Ethan, and Ethan tickled Chris’s tummy with his beard again, and the baby laughed again. We spent a long time there, with Ethan tickling the baby’s tummy over and over again. Then Chris would laugh, and we would laugh at his cute little giggle.
I was in love. That baby was now my life, and no matter what happened, the task before me was clear. My job was to love and nurture, protect and cherish this baby for the rest of my life.
After a while, we were on the couch watching a movie, Chris in my arms, having fallen asleep. I wasn’t really watching the movie. I was staring at my baby’s peaceful face as he dreamed. Ethan paused and said, “I still can’t believe I’m a father.”
I pried my eyes away from the baby to look at my husband. “Why not?”
He too was staring at the baby. I couldn’t tell what he was feeling. He shook his head. “Just…I guess it’s better than I thought it would be.”
I let those words wash over me. “Did you think it would be bad?”
“No…I just…can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I have responsibilities now.”
I smiled. “You had them before.”
He shook his head. “Not like this.”
I was starting to suspect he was feeling trapped, and that was not a healthy place for him to be. I knew Ethan too well by this point, and I didn’t like where this was going. “Are you not happy?”
He smiled. “Oh, no. I am, babe. I am. It’s just…different.” I started looking at Chris again. I knew my baby wouldn’t, couldn’t break my heart like his father had so many times, and just by his words, I feared Ethan was feeling cornered again. I didn’t know if I wanted to talk about it or just brace myself for what was sure to come. He pulled me close to him. “No…this is good. I’ll just…miss the old days. You know, fighting for you but still being a wild child.”
I couldn’t help the incredulous sound of my voice. “Fighting for me? You hardly ever fought for me.”
He laughed. “I did…in my own way.”
I sat there with him for a little longer, but then I decided to put Chris to bed. His crib was in my bedroom, so I lay him down and covered him with a light blanket, and then lay down on my bed. I couldn’t sleep, though, because Ethan’s words wouldn’t leave my head.
A while later, Ethan came in the room and lay next to me. I could feel as he shifted in the bed. Well, at least he was still at home. He wasn’t running…not yet, anyway. So I was surprised when I felt him move again, this time pressing up against me from behind, his warm breath on the back of my neck.
I was surprised. We hadn’t made love since I’d had the baby. At first, I knew it was because the doctor had said we couldn’t for a while, and we were so tired and stressed with being new parents that sex was the last thing on our minds. And, frankly, I hadn’t wanted to think about it, because past experience told me Ethan would find it elsewhere if he felt his needs weren’t being satisfied. So, feeling him behind me, rock hard and ready, made me instantly aroused and made me forget about the feelings of insecurity I’d had earlier.
“Mmm…” He started kissing the back of my neck, and I reached up over my head to run my fingers through his hair. His hand moved up under my shirt to find my breast. It wasn’t as sensitive to his touch as it had been, but his touch in general was welcome and wanted. I could tell he wanted me now, and knowing I was awake and willing just encouraged him. He slid his hand under the back of my panties to pull them down my leg, but my weight had pinned them between my body and the bed. He just tugged harder until they were down my thigh.
I felt his other hand slide under my side, and he kept moving until his fingers were between my legs. He could tell I was ready. Of course, I was ready. He hadn’t touched me this way in months. We hadn’t been together much right before I got pregnant, and even then when we did, he was usually under the influence. And then, when I was pregnant, he tended to treat me like a piece of porcelain. Yes, I needed him; I wanted him, and I didn’t want to wait anymore. I could tell he didn’t plan to focus on foreplay, and I was okay with that.
I was a little nervous until I felt him thrust inside me, filling that need I’d forgotten was there. And even though we didn’t say a word, he held me close after in that same position, making me hope it hadn’t just been a dream. And still…an old song I’d written during the summer after my freshman year in college kept rolling around in my head. But one line, just one line from that song kept haunting me: “
I thought I’d lost you forever.”
But I was afraid to say it out loud.
Chapter Twenty
Past
BEFORE I KNEW it, I was back at home preparing for another semester at school. I’d managed to save up some money and had avoided blowing any on a car or tattoos or anything I didn’t really need. I was feeling down, though, knowing my tenure with Fully Automatic was just about over.
I didn’t want to go back to college. I didn’t hate it, but I still had no idea what I wanted to do there. It held no interest for me, and I was beginning to think it was a waste of time and money. Worse yet, I didn’t know if Ethan or Zane were planning to go back. I supposed I could continue to sing—as long as the dates were weekends only—but the venues would be a lot harder to get to, especially in the winter. Throw into that the time I’d need to spend on school work, and I really did need to plan on hanging up the mike after our last show.
So when the guys picked me up on our last trip—another show in the Denver Metro area—I tried to put on a happy face. No matter what we’d gone through up until this point, I’d enjoyed being in the band and becoming closer friends with the guys. I would never regret the time I’d spent with them. It had been an exciting journey of self-discovery.
As we drove down the mountain from Winchester toward Colorado Springs, Brad turned down the music. “Val, we wanted to broach a pretty serious subject with you, and now’s as a good a time as any.” He looked behind his shoulder. “Right, guys?”
They all made sounds of agreement, and Brad looked over at the passenger seat to look at me. Why did this make me nervous? It sounded too serious. “Okay.”
His arm was bent at the elbow, resting on the door. The window was down, blowing air through the van, helping the temperature inside be a tolerable level. It was blowing the hair on the left side of his head around, emphasizing how much it had grown since I’d first met him. He’d also gotten more tattoos, one on his right forearm and another on his right pec. Out of everyone in the van at this moment, I knew that Brad would make it. Music was his life, and everything he did played into what he perceived to be his endgame.
Dirty Boys: Bad Boy Rock Star Romance Box Set Page 22