We were another few miles down the road when he said, “Am I fucking up anything between you and Brad?”
I felt my eyes grow wide. What the hell had Brad said? Was Brad part of the reason Ethan had shied away from me? “No.” The less I said, the better.
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I’m sure. There’s nothing there.” Well, that wasn’t true. There was some irrational sexual attraction there that I didn’t think would ever disappear. Love, though? Nope. My feelings for Ethan blinded me to anyone else.
“Does he know that?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
His voice was quiet. “I see the way he looks at you.”
Oh. I didn’t know Brad looked at me a certain way. But we weren’t going there. I refused. “Ethan, whatever happened between Brad and me is over. You heard him say it himself to my dad, and he meant it. He didn’t want a relationship screwing up the band so he instituted a hands off policy. There is nothing there.” Wow…was I protesting too much? Time to shut up, Valerie.
He wasn’t saying much of anything either, and I had no idea what to expect. Little sprinkles hit the windshield as a light rain cooled the early September air. I looked out the window at the gray skies. Finally, he spoke again. “I know it’s really none of my business, but I gotta know. Did you sleep with him?”
I don’t know why I told him. “You’re right. It’s none of your business, but no. We didn’t sleep together.” I sighed. This conversation felt like an exercise in futility. “I’m still a virgin.”
I saw him let the breath out of his lungs, almost like what I’d said was a shock. But then he hit me with a curveball. “So why are you on the pill then?”
My voice probably got higher than I should have let it. “What? How’d you know about that?”
“We toured together enough. I’ve seen you take it once or twice. I’m not an idiot.”
Fair enough. “I wanted to be safe.”
“With Brad.”
I had to be honest. “Yeah, with Brad. We’d…” Shit, this was hard. I looked out the side window again. “Things got a little…heated, and I wanted to be safe.”
“Did I do that to you?”
I felt my cheeks growing hot. “Do what?”
“Make you feel heated?”
“Yeah…you did.”
He seemed satisfied with my answer. We didn’t say anything else the rest of the way to Denver. Throughout the summer, we’d been driving into the city at night, and I’d been dazzled by the bright lights against the dark backdrop. Seeing the city in the daytime, though…floored me. It was huge. I was a small town girl. But Denver…it stretched on and on. To the west, it butted up against the mountains and to the east, it sprawled and stretched as far as my eyes could see. And to the north? I had no idea if the city ever really ended. Yes, I believed Brad was right when he said we’d have so many places to play, we’d never reach the end. Could we get noticed, though? Would we be able to make it? It remained to be seen, but that he had that unshakable faith helped me believe it too. That didn’t, however, make me feel any less overwhelmed by the sight of the metropolis spread forth in front of me.
Ethan navigated the traffic like a pro. It was before rush hour, so even though the traffic seemed crazy to me at the time, it was actually pretty light. After a while, we reached our destination in a small dark parking garage. I was glad to be able to get out of the truck and stretch.
Ethan joined me on the passenger side of the truck. I asked, “How many trips do you think it’ll take us to haul all my crap up to our place?”
He smiled and shrugged. “We’ll make the guys help.” Without warning, he closed the gap between us, his hands on my hips. His touch was aggressive, and I felt breathless. My back was pressed against the warm, smooth side of his truck, and I noticed my hands were cupping his biceps. “I just want to make it clear. Unlike Brad, I didn’t make your dad any promises.” He smothered me in a soul-searching kiss that I felt clear to the tips of my toes. The muscles throughout my body grew taut, aching for his touch. Yes, I wanted Ethan. I’d always wanted Ethan. I loved him and maybe, finally, we could explore the relationship he’d denied us before. As my tongue fought against his and my hands wound through his hair, I at last had hope that we could try.
Chapter Twenty-one
I CAME TO the conclusion that I had been a spoiled, pampered child my entire life. Why? Well, I hadn’t been impressed with my dorm room my freshman year in college, but I hadn’t minded the austere, plain feel of the rooms. After all, I was there to learn, not to feel like I was staying in a resort. But my new digs were anything but comfortable.
I knew I had no right to complain. We had a place that protected us from the elements. Everything inside worked—the shower, the toilet, the lights, the oven, you name it. But it felt old and uncared for. The walls were supposed to be white, but they were dingy. The carpeting in the living room was rust colored. It was worn and had seen better days. The kitchen table was past the point of looking distressed. It was just old. The linoleum in the kitchen had chips and dents in it and, around the stove, there were burn holes. The fixtures in the bathroom were all green and looked like they were thirty or forty years old.
I tried to keep a positive attitude, but I could tell the place could get me down. My two pieces of luggage and three boxes sat in a corner of the smaller bedroom, and the five of us met in the living room to discuss our arrangements. I wasn’t a good enough actress to hide my dismay. I hadn’t had enough time to work on hiding how I really felt, and Brad noticed. “What’s wrong, Val?”
I let out a breath. “I know we checked out this place before, and it was all we could afford, but am I the only one who thinks it’s depressing here?”
His smile was gentle. “Yeah…it’s not the greatest. But it’ll be what we make it, right? Besides, we don’t want to spend much time here anyway. We want to be out playing gigs all the time. Am I right?”
I forced a smile back. He was right. I nodded. “Yeah, I know. I’ll get over it.”
“I don’t know how much practice we’ll be able to get in, guys, at least plugged in. We’ll have to check with our neighbors…”
“We don’t have to crank it.”
“It’s just gonna be harder to write new stuff, but we’ll manage. The big bedroom’s on the corner of the building, so if we’re gonna plug in and practice, I think that’s where we need to.” The guys agreed. “Now…living arrangements. I really think Val should have the little bedroom, the one with the twin bed.”
“That doesn’t seem fair, Brad. There’s one of me and four of you. I can sleep on the couch, and you guys can share the rooms.”
“Bullshit. I promised your dad we’d keep our hands off.”
“That doesn’t mean I need my own bedroom.”
“It does in my mind. You need a place where you can feel safe, where you can have some privacy. You won’t have to worry about one of us walking in while you’re changing clothes or staring at you while you’re sleeping.”
I started giggling. “Should I have had to worry about that before?”
Brad smiled, but he was all business now. He was again taking on his role as our natural leader. “Now…as to the other bedroom, we’re not gonna fight over it. Us guys are gonna share. We bought two cots today at an army surplus store for cheap, and when we’re not using them, we can store them in the closet over there. Not the best plan, but it works.”
Ethan said, “So we’re just gonna use the big bedroom for our gear?”
“No. One of us will sleep on that bed, one on the couch, two on the cots in the living room. We’re gonna get a calendar, and each one of us will get the bedroom the same amount of days every month on a rotating basis.”
Nick said, “I don’t give a shit where I sleep, man.”
Zane elbowed him in the ribs. “Yeah, but if you have a girl wants to get friendly with you…”
Quiet Nick made my jaw drop. “I don’t give a shit
where I fuck, man.”
Zane started laughing. “No, but she might.”
Brad started in again. “We’ll arrange the details tomorrow, and I think we need to schedule chores too. Don’t give me that look, Ethan. You know goddamned well that if we don’t map out who has to take out the trash that we’ll live like pigs, and Val will get stuck cleaning up, just because she actually gives a shit. Right?”
I smiled. Brad always seemed to have my back, and I was beginning to appreciate how much thought he’d given everything.
Ethan said, “Fine. Whatever. But don’t expect me to wash dishes every day.”
“No one’s gonna expect that. So…there’s a dresser and a closet in each room. Let’s figure out who needs what. Val, if you have extra space in your room for clothes, would you mind sharing?”
“No problem. I’ll unpack my clothes first.”
And so, even though the place wasn’t comfy cozy, I was going to make an effort to love it…to at least get used to it. Maybe I could find a way to decorate the place without blowing a lot of money—maybe some cheap prints or something that reminded me of home.
So I knew the first step to making this place home was to unpack. The second would be to find things that made me feel comfortable here, but first things first. I had a little closet space and two empty dresser drawers that I said the guys could use. Brad stressed that whoever decided to use it needed to make sure not to put stuff in there they’d “die without.” He really was trying to protect me. My dad would have been thrilled.
That first night, on a new bed with a too-firm mattress and new too-stiff, unlaundered but brand-new sheets, I couldn’t sleep. When I let go of the feeling of being down, I was excited about the future. I had no idea what was going to happen, but I was eager to find out. And my dad had nothing to worry about. I suspected even after what Ethan had said that he was more talk…especially after I found out how he really had put me on some stupid impossible-to-live-up-to pedestal.
I finally did sleep, and when I woke up, I was motivated. I decided I needed to find a job. Yes, making money playing music was the ultimate goal, but I knew we’d need more money than just gig money. I had faith in Brad that he’d keep us plenty busy, but I knew a job would help.
So I got up and showered while the guys were still sleeping. I’d heard them up talking like crazy the night before and having a few beers. I think they were just as excited. We were adults now, living on our own, responsible for everything, and even though it was scary, it was fun too.
I was glad the guys had stocked up on food. I nosed around the kitchen for a few minutes, trying to be quiet because Brad and Zane were on cots and Ethan was on the couch. I didn’t want to wake them. I found a packet of instant oatmeal but then noticed we didn’t have a microwave, and I wondered if we should get one. But we did have two pans, so I heated some water and then ate some hot oatmeal. I just thought it was funny how much I had taken for granted until I didn’t have it anymore. After eating, I put on makeup and did my hair after getting dressed.
Brad was sitting at the table when I came out, drinking a cup of coffee. I hadn’t noticed the coffeemaker before. “What’s up?” he asked.
“I’m going to spend the day looking for a job.”
“Already?”
“A good idea, don’t you think?”
He smiled. “I was gonna wait for a day or two, but I really can’t put it off when you’re so motivated.”
I shrugged. “I need a head start. I don’t have much experience. So what are you doing up so early?”
“Can’t sleep. Too much on my mind.”
I heard Ethan mutter from the couch. “Kinda hard to sleep with your goddamn blow dryer making noise.”
Before I could even respond, Brad said, “Shut the fuck up, Ethan. She’s doing this whole band a solid.”
Ethan said something else, but I couldn’t make out what it was. Soon I left and started walking around our neighborhood. I could have gone through the want ads, but I wanted to look for work within walking distance. I didn’t have a vehicle and didn’t want someone to drive me around. I wanted it to be simple. But like I’d told Brad, I didn’t have much experience. I didn’t know what I’d qualify for. So I applied at restaurants, including fast food places, because I knew I’d have a decent chance at getting on with them. I also applied at retail places, where I figured maybe I could get a job selling things. I even applied for a cleaning position, where I’d be one of many janitors cleaning a large office building. The problem with that job was it was after hours, and that would interfere with shows. If I were even offered the job, I’d likely have to turn it down. But I figured even filling out applications was good practice for me.
By the time I got back home late that afternoon, I was tired, sweaty, and hungry. I’d bought some French fries and a drink in the middle of my day, but the September sun on concrete and asphalt had been hot and exhausting. All I wanted was a quick meal and a nice long cool shower. I knew I’d sleep well tonight, especially after losing so much sleep the night before.
It was my lucky night, because Brad and Nick were cooking dinner for everyone. I said hi and then went to my room to put my purse away and take off my shoes. I also replaced the blouse with a t-shirt.
I came back out to the kitchen. “Do you guys know where the nearest laundromat is?”
Brad said, “We’ll have to look it up. Maybe we could pick a day for laundry.”
I nodded. “Another thing I didn’t think of.”
“You look tired. Sit down and relax. We’ll be eating in a little bit.”
“It smells good. What are you making?”
Nick turned around from the stove and said, “Something exquisite that will make you feel like you’re home again…an exotic taste with just a hint of delicate cheese that will transport you to another world.”
Brad smiled. “Hamburger Helper.”
I started laughing. The more I got to know Nick, the funnier he was. He often had a joke or a retort, and he was turning out to be quite a ham. I appreciated the humor, especially since I was feeling worn out. “Well, I’m not complaining. It sounds lovely, Nick.”
“Anything for the lady.”
“And we’re having a salad and baked potatoes with it. These guys eat like there’s no tomorrow, so I figured we needed to make a lot.”
Nick acted serious. “Don’t expect this every night. Brad’s a slave driver. I can’t work with him anymore.”
Brad rolled his eyes and walked to the refrigerator, fetching out a couple of bottles of salad dressing. I was becoming quite impressed with his organizational skills. He kept surprising me with all the things he’d remembered to do or buy. I was glad he’d done the planning for our move.
Ethan showed up in the kitchen. “Val. You look beat. What the hell were you out doing all day?”
“I was looking for work.”
“Doing what? Singing not enough for you?”
“Oh, it’s plenty, but I want to make sure we can pay our bills.” He nodded. He stopped behind me and started rubbing my shoulders. It made the kitchen a little cramped but his hands on my shoulders felt good…and not just because he was touching me.
Dinner was served soon after, and Zane brought in a chair from the living room so we could all sit at the table. It was crowded, but it was the first thing we’d done that reminded me of home. Gathering around a table, talking and laughing, sharing food…that would be the one thing I knew was important for us to do on occasion as a group. Not only did it make me feel better about our move, but it also reminded me of how much I valued these four men—not just as friends but as bandmates. And based on how we all acted, I knew they felt the same way.
After dinner, Zane, Ethan, and I decided to clean up since the other two had made the food. Zane said, “Damn, guys. Why didn’t you find a place with a dishwasher?” But he filled up the sink and started washing anyway, while Ethan rinsed and I dried. When I finally excused myself to shower, I felt happy and
like I’d had a good first day. I wasn’t feeling so sorry for myself anymore.
My brain turned off in the shower, and I just relaxed, but I decided I’d try writing a few lyrics before going to bed. I knew I’d sleep well tonight.
When I got out, I wrapped my head in my towel and put on a robe, then carried my clothes to my room. I was using a trash bag for my dirty clothes but realized I’d want a clothes basket to carry to the laundromat. And I could hardly wait to wash the stiff sheets on the bed. I knew it wouldn’t bother me tonight, but it was going to drive me nuts until I could wash them.
I decided to get something to drink and then just lie on my bed writing lyrics until sleepiness overcame me. As I left the bedroom, though, I heard the guys laughing and carrying on in the living room, and I hoped they wouldn’t take it personally that I just wanted to hit the hay. I was still wearing my robe and the towel over my head, but I was covered from neck to knee and didn’t think much of it.
I walked to the kitchen and guessed they didn’t realize I was there. Nick said, “I’ll go last. That’ll give me time to put it to good use.”
Zane: “You trying to find Angelica?”
“Hell, yeah. She gives good head.”
Ethan: “What makes you think she’ll wanna fuck your scrawny ass again?”
“They all want Nick again once they’ve tasted him the first time.”
Brad: “Okay. You’re fourth.”
Ethan: “So who’s tonight?”
“Me, I guess.”
Nick: “That’s cool, though, right?”
“What?”
“Guests.”
Zane: “Fuck, yeah. I thought that was the whole point. If we can’t invite our girlfriends, why bother setting up a schedule or even having the room to ourselves?”
Nick: “You don’t need a girl to take care of your needs.”
“Maybe you don’t.”
Dirty Boys: Bad Boy Rock Star Romance Box Set Page 24