I felt free and alive as I stepped into the tub…except for that one area, but even that was starting to feel a little more normal. I didn’t know if I should just rest and take it easy or if I should push through the pain. I knew I didn’t want to walk around the neighborhood, though, but I’d let life dictate what I’d have to do, based on a tiny phone call.
When I got out of the shower and into clothes, I called the manager of the sub shop. Lucky me. He scheduled the interview for the next day, so I decided to take it easy and hope my body felt better the next day. I lay on my bed, writing out new lyrics, and drifted off to sleep, and I knew it was because I hadn’t slept well the night before. When I awoke later, I heard Nick, Zane, and Ethan talking in the kitchen, so I got up. I debated about going out there and then decided to walk as normally as I could, and our place was small enough that I thought I could pull it off.
Zane was talking. “I think he actually started work today.”
“That’s stupid. He’s set up so many fucking dates for us to play, if he’s working too, when does he plan to practice?”
“You know Brad. He’ll figure it out.”
Ethan said, “Nick, you should talk to him. You’re always able to reason with him.”
“The fuck I am. That’s your bag, Ethan. Brad does what Brad wants.” Nick looked at me and acted guilty that I’d overheard him. He shouldn’t have, though, because I knew that Nick—although quiet—didn’t say to Ethan and Zane anything he wouldn’t say to Brad. Nick might have been quiet most of the time and obnoxious and out of control when drinking, but he’d always seemed upfront and honest in all his dealings with his friends. So I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders and sat at the other empty chair at the table.
“It’s probably my turn to cook dinner, right?”
Zane shrugged. “Hell if I know, and the slave driver’s not here to tell us who’s supposed to do it.”
That was enough. We hadn’t been living together long enough to start getting on each other’s nerves and holding grudges yet. I wondered to myself if it was pack behavior and since Brad, the guy who seemed most likely to be the alpha, wasn’t there to keep the dogs in check, they were yipping at each other. “Hold it, now. Brad’s just trying to find a way to make sure we all do our fair share without getting into fights about it.” Zane sneered at me. “Would you rather do it all yourself?”
He raised his eyebrows. “No.”
“Then shut the fuck up already.”
His raised eyebrows told me my words had had the effect on him I’d hoped. If he had that big a problem with it, I thought he should talk to Brad about it instead of complaining behind his back. And I actually appreciated that Brad was trying to keep some kind of order in our small home. I knew he’d already known what to expect from his friends, and he was trying a preemptive strike to prevent misunderstandings and spats. Zane started laughing. “Jesus, Val. When the hell did you get so mouthy?”
I wanted to tell him he had no idea…that I’d done a lot of growing up recently. But I wasn’t going to. “Got your attention, didn’t I?” He shrugged but acted like he was done complaining. “So I’ll cook dinner. What all do we have?”
“Your meal…you figure it out.”
I let out a laugh and shook my head. The guys started talking about music and wound up going into the big bedroom to play out a couple of songs Ethan had been working on, leaving me to my own devices in the kitchen. I was glad, because then I didn’t have to worry about anyone noticing I wasn’t one-hundred percent yet. We didn’t have much in the way of groceries, and I’d never been much of a cook, so I wasn’t sure what I could make. I needed to buy a cookbook.
For now, though, I had to make do with what we had. I found potatoes, hamburger, lettuce, and tomatoes, and a couple of packets of brown gravy, so I made (kind of) Salisbury steak, baked potatoes, and salad. I determined then and there that for the nights I was cooking, I’d do the shopping myself and look for recipes online. I already missed my mom’s cooking.
The guys liked it, though, and that was good enough for me.
I hated sitting so close to Ethan and not being able to touch him or stare at him or even talk to him about our secret. I longed for the day when we could be open about it, and I hoped it was sooner rather than later.
I slept alone that night, but I thought about Ethan the entire time.
The next day I had my interview at the sub shop that was just three and a half blocks from our apartment building. I did okay, but I was even happier that I wasn’t having a hard time walking. I was still a little sore but nothing like I’d been the day before. After my interview, the manager told me he’d call me by the next day if he decided to hire me.
We had three shows the next weekend, all in the same area of the city, and we hadn’t played anything new in a while. Ethan, Zane, and Nick ran a song past Brad and me. It was different, but it was hard and heavy, and it was fantastic. Ethan asked, “Think you can pen some words to it pretty quickly?”
“How quickly?”
“By our next show?”
“Well…probably…but getting it down is another story. We’ll need to practice it together some like we always do.”
Brad was quiet. “I need some time too…unless you’re wanting me out of this one, man.”
I saw something in Ethan’s eyes, but I wasn’t quite sure what it was. There was a flash, and I knew Brad saw it too, but then it faded. “Nah. I’m just excited to play this one.”
Brad took it in stride. “Me too. It’s fuckin’ awesome. Good stuff. Maybe we could shoot for next weekend.”
We all agreed that would be the best idea. I wanted to know what was going on between Ethan and Brad, but I thought I’d let it go. I suspected I was part of the problem, and I really didn’t want to be. As much as I was growing to care about Ethan as a lover, I had begun to love Brad as a friend. Out of all the men in the band, he understood me best, and we’d always gotten along. I never wanted there to be anything awkward between us. And that too was part of the reason I didn’t care for keeping my thing with Ethan under wraps. It felt dishonest. But I knew that Ethan and Brad were like brothers, and Ethan probably wanted to tell Brad when he was ready.
That night I lay in bed working out words to the new music. It was in my head rolling around, so I tried thinking of some good lyrics, but I knew I’d need a good night’s sleep to really solidify my ideas. I’d want to work with the guys on that some the next day, but I also wanted to do more job seeking. Sure enough, Brad had already found a part-time job working in another oil-changing place, just like he’d done back home. I felt bad, though, because it seemed like Brad was doing everything.
Those were my thoughts when I finally shut off the light and lay my head on my pillow to sleep. A few minutes later, though, I heard a slight tapping on my door. Before I could even get out of bed, Ethan peeked in the door. He whispered, “Care if I come in for a few minutes?”
“No…that’s fine.” He left the light off and closed the door quietly behind him. “You can turn the light on.”
I heard him getting closer. “No. I’m good.” He felt for the bed and I sat up. “I’m just gonna lay down next to you. Can I get under the covers?”
I grinned, even though he couldn’t see it. “Sure.”
He slid under the sheet and that was when I could tell he was just wearing jeans—no shirt, no socks. I felt excited suddenly. I hadn’t been expecting his company, and soon I would have started wondering when we’d be together again, but here he was. It wasn’t too loud in the living room, but it sounded like the guys were watching movies or videos on Brad’s laptop.
“I miss you.”
I giggled. “I’m right here.”
Then his voice was serious. “How are you feeling? Are you better?”
“Yeah. I think so. A little sore, but nothing I can’t handle.” I wondered what it would feel like the second time.
He kissed me then, a sweet, gentle kiss, but I felt myself growi
ng amorous just the same. I wasn’t nervous anymore, because I knew it wouldn’t be painful like the first time. And maybe, after that, it would be everything I’d heard it could be, some magical promised land. I hadn’t talked much about sex with any of my girlfriends in the past. Most of what I’d learned I’d read about in magazines and online, and so I knew part of what I’d read might have been filled with disinformation as well. I was less hesitant this time…eager, in fact. I wanted to try again. I wanted to be filled with Ethan over and over, wanted to spend all my free time with him, have his mouth on mine most of the day.
I knew none of those fantasies was even remotely possible, but if he at least felt comfortable coming into my bedroom a few nights a week, I could feel like we were truly growing together. More than that, though, I had my awakening sexuality I was going to have to contend with. I ran my fingers over his solid pecs, thrilled that he was here in my bed, lying next to me. When he ended the kiss and I took a big breath, I said, “So what are you doing in here anyway?”
“I just wanted to spend a little time with you.” I smiled and slid my hands up to his neck, and he wrapped his hands around my waist, pulling me close. “You’re just wearing a t-shirt and these tiny things.” He slid his hand around to my ass, feeling the back of my lacy panties. “I like that.” He kissed me again and slid his hand under my panties to cup my ass and then push my body into his. I sucked in a deep breath and then his tongue wrestled with mine. I may not have experienced anything earth shattering in the realm of sex yet, but I was still feeling some of the most intense sensations of my life. Just like the other night, I was revving up—for what, I didn’t know, because it hadn’t been exactly spectacular. Oh, yes, up until we lay in the bed, I’d enjoyed one of the most amazing, overwhelming onslaughts of feelings I’d ever felt, and I’d known the first time would be difficult, but it ended on a painful note. And while I’d never take it back, I wanted to try more, feel more, to know what the hype was about. So to feel his hand begin to explore started that overloaded feeling again, and it was one I wanted to enjoy for as long as I could. Like the other night, my nerves were standing at attention, every piece of flesh on my body primed for his touch.
He wasn’t wasting any time now, and he slid his other hand up under my t-shirt and found my naked breast. I gasped again, feeling unprepared for whatever was going to happen next, but unprepared or not, I wanted to move forward. I wanted Ethan to touch me wherever he wanted.
My fingers were coiled through his hair, and he began kissing my neck. He rolled me onto my back and started grinding up against me, just like he had the week before against the wall. My legs were spread apart with his legs in between, and I hoped this time would be better. No, I knew it would be. But Ethan didn’t take his jeans off. Instead, leaning over to kiss me again, he slid his hand into my panties and began feeling his way around.
Just having his hand in that forbidden place made my arousal jump through the roof, but every little thing he touched set me on fire. Finally, he made his way down my slit and found the body part I’d read so much about but had never become familiar with—my clitoris. Oh…as soon as he touched it, I knew what all the hype was about.
His lips were on my neck as he first touched me there, just a delicious stroke across its surface. Holy fuck, was that incredible. So that’s what the big deal’s about. That’s where all this was heading. Whew. He kept sliding his finger up and down. It was deliberate and rhythmic. He kissed me on the lips again, but I had a hard time keeping up because all my focus was on that tiny little spot between my legs, the one he was gratifying beyond imagination. Each stroke felt wonderful, and I didn’t want him to stop. I wondered, with what little mental capacity I had left, if I would know when I climaxed or if it would just be over. How would he know when to stop?
That thought flew out of my head as my attention again riveted on what he was doing to me. He was kissing my neck again and that felt wonderful too but nothing could beat the climbing sensation he was creating with each caress of his finger.
I noticed my breathing had grown deeper, and I took another breath deep into my lungs. Then I noticed that just by taking that breath that I was getting closer to…something. And it felt so right. So I just let my body tell me what to do. I continued sucking in the air, and I tilted my pelvis too, adjusting myself to where my body told me to be. One more gulp of air and
Oh. My. God. “Oooooohhhh…” As though I were outside my body, I heard a loud moan escape my mouth as my mind was jolted with perhaps the sweetest sensation it had ever felt. Ethan became a god in my mind at that moment as he brought me to heaven. He just kept up the pressure, and every stroke brought a new wave of pleasure. And it seemed to last forever, but when it finally did stop, I noticed my legs clamping onto his hips as though I were a trap he’d never be able to escape.
It was then that he kissed me on the lips and pulled my panties back up on my hips. Then he kissed my neck and whispered in my ear, “That’s how you made me feel the other night, and I wanted you to know what that was like.”
I was still catching my breath and trying to focus on reality. I’d never felt that way before, almost like I wasn’t totally in my body and definitely like nothing else on the planet mattered. I was somewhere else entirely. So my first thought was I made you feel like that? He hadn’t seemed to completely lose it like I had. But maybe that was just because I’d been in my own little world of pain. I’d have to pay closer attention next time. All I could say was “Wow.”
“Yeah.” He placed a quick kiss on my lips and then rolled off of me onto his side, facing me. He pulled me close and, even though I’d planned on talking, I fell fast asleep.
* * *
It didn’t surprise me the next morning to find that Ethan wasn’t sleeping next to me, but as I sat up and stretched, I wondered how big a secret it would really be if he decided to pay me a visit now and then. I knew now in vivid retrospect that I hadn’t been quiet when I’d been in the throes of my very first orgasm. I wasn’t fully in my own mind, so I didn’t know exactly how loud I’d been, but I knew I hadn’t been quiet. I had to push that thought out of my mind, though, because I otherwise wouldn’t be able to look the other guys in the face anymore.
Everyone was asleep when I got up, though, all except for Brad, and I heard him closing the door to the apartment as I made my way into the kitchen. He’d left half a pot of coffee for anyone who wanted it, so I poured a cup and then got in the shower, ready to search for a job again. But when I started putting on my makeup, I got a call from John, the manager at the sub shop, asking me if I could start work on Friday. “I can work until five.”
“I might need you some nights,” he said.
“I understand. I told you I have another…job I’m working around, right?”
“Self-employment, right?”
“Yeah.” I didn’t want to tell him what I was doing, at least not right off the bat. Once I was working there, I might feel better about telling him what I was doing on the side—actually, the work I wanted to be doing full time—but for now, all he needed to know was that there would be nights I wouldn’t be able to work.
So I started work on Friday, learning how to prep all the vegetables and assemble the sandwiches. There didn’t seem to be much to it and I knew already that the work could become boring pretty quickly. So I hoped we could start making real money with our music. I trusted Brad to lead us there.
Friday, I got off mid-afternoon and walked home quickly. I wanted to shower before getting ready for the show. A lot of time, shows would leave me feeling too warm and sticky anyway, so I’d probably want to shower again, but I wanted to feel fresh for our show.
I’d already been doing this long enough that many of the venues started looking the same. We were playing in taverns, lounges, theaters, and all manner of spaces, large and small. And we were starting to play with some of the same bands. Anymore, I didn’t even look over Brad’s master list. I just got in the van when it was time to
go.
We didn’t talk much on the way there. Brad looked tired, like he was regretting the move, regretting his entire life. I was sitting in my usual spot as co-pilot. “What’s wrong?”
He shrugged but wouldn’t make eye contract. “Just under the weather. Not up for doing this. Not really liking the day job.”
“Well, we’re working on getting rid of the day jobs, right?”
“Yeah.”
Except he didn’t seem too sure. I could tell he didn’t feel like talking, but I knew him well enough to know that no matter how he felt, he’d be great onstage.
Once we got there and settled in, Brad asked me to work our merch table with Nick. I’d never done it before, but Nick had, so I knew I was just going to be the backup, and I’d try to learn what I could. I knew it couldn’t be that hard—sell something and collect the money. I didn’t know what we had, though. We hadn’t recorded a CD yet, although Brad promised me that would be next. We had mostly shirts with the logo Brad had had designed. It was just the words, but the letters looked like they were fashioned out of polished black metal, like each letter was part of a gun, with bullet holes through them. We had t-shirts of various sizes and colors, but the logo was either black or white, and there were also baby doll and long-sleeved tees, beanies, and hoodies. There were also buttons and bumper stickers, and I thought it would be really cool to see one on a car someday soon. We needed CDs, though. I was convinced of that.
We had a few people approach the table, mostly girls wanting to flirt with Nick. One of them asked for his autograph. I almost laughed out loud when I saw him write his cell number next to it. He was flirting with those two girls when someone else approached the table.
I peered up at the guy in front of me. He looked familiar. He was about Ethan’s height and several years older than I was. He was definitely a metalhead, though. His arms were painted in tattoos from shoulder to wrist, and he had shoulder-length dark brown hair. But as I continued taking in his details, I remembered where I’d seen him before. It was the snake bites that gave him away, just two small studs beneath his lower lip on both the right and left sides. Yeah, I’d met this guy before, less than a year ago.
Dirty Boys: Bad Boy Rock Star Romance Box Set Page 27