She took a deep breath and looked down at her hands, because his eyes were too intense. “But…I wonder how real our feelings can be.”
“What do you mean?” His hand was moving her hair behind her shoulder and resting on her neck.
Erin made herself look at him again. “We barely know each other. And you’re leaving in just a few days. And…”
Riley had been nodding, indicating he agreed with everything she said. “Yeah, and…?”
She had to say it. “And last night…you were so…cold. You reminded me of my ex.” She shook her head. “I can’t have that.”
He looked pained. “Won’t happen again.” He clenched his jaw. “I thought you didn’t care so I was trying to…”
“What made you think I didn’t care?”
He drew in a deep breath through his nose and shrugged. “I must have just misunderstood you.”
“Hey…I really have to go, but do you want to come by tonight?”
He smiled and just that look let Erin know things were all right. “What time?”
“Whenever. I’ll be home after five.” She held the note out. “Do you want this back?”
He chuckled. “Why don’t you keep it?”
Good answer, she thought, as she opened the car door. She crumpled it, though, and slid it into the small waste bag hanging from the car lighter. It was definitely trash.
Chapter Thirty-one
GOD…RILEY HAD slept for shit last night. He felt like he’d been run over by a semi. But it was his own damned fault. After he’d seen all the lights go off in Erin’s apartment, he knew she probably wasn’t going to call, but there was no way he was going home. He sat there for hours, considering taking the chance and ringing her doorbell anyway, but then he’d talk himself back out of it, not wanting to wake her. He knew she had to teach the next day, and he didn’t want to disturb her.
At some point, he’d drifted off. He awoke once, feeling groggy, so he rolled down the window a little, hoping the cool breeze would wake him up enough so he could drive home…or even to a motel. But instead he fell into a deep sleep. The next thing he knew, Erin was rapping on his door.
But after she left to go to school, he realized he hadn’t slept well at all. He got out of the car and stretched. His muscles felt tight and achy, and his neck had a kink in it. He knew what he needed. No, he didn’t need to smoke a joint and he really didn’t need a drink. What he needed was a good workout—that would help him get rid of the aggression and anger that was threatening to take hold again, just like it had gripped him as a teen.
So, before little Miss Josie from A-3 decided to make an appearance, Riley got in his Mustang with an agenda: get some breakfast, find a gym and sign up and pay for however short a time they’d let him get away with, work out until he was exhausted, then grab a shower and a nap. He’d maybe go to his parents’ house, but he’d see how he felt after the workout.
* * *
After working out, Riley’s head was clear. It was time to have it all out with his folks. He was an adult, damn it, and he should be able to speak his mind. He wasn’t intimidated by his father anymore, but as he dug deeper, he knew part of him did fear the possibility of never speaking to his family again.
Now, though, he knew that if that’s what it came to, so be it. Last night’s argument (inquisition was more like it) was nothing new. Riley was an adult now and wasn’t going to take it anymore. Either his father respected him as a man, no matter how much the son part of Riley disappointed him, or they were done.
He left the gym after showering. He’d bought a pair of shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt to work out in, so he was able to change back in the clothes he’d been wearing, but he wanted a fresh set of clothes. Home it was. Well, no longer home but mom and dad’s house. His dad would likely be at work, but mom might be there. It didn’t matter.
When he got there, he knew his mother was there somewhere, because her car was still in the driveway, but his dad’s car was gone, just as he’d suspected. He walked in the front door, ready to hear it from her, asking where he’d been last night, what he’d been doing, how angry his dad was now…but she was nowhere. He debated just going up to his old room and packing his shit, then going to a hotel, but he’d vowed not to be a chickenshit. So he went to the kitchen, expecting to find her there. She wasn’t there, but he did see her out in the backyard through the kitchen window. There was still hot coffee in the coffeepot and he almost grabbed a mug out of the cabinet and decided against it. That would be a bad move.
He took a deep breath and walked toward the backdoor, wondering if he should change his clothes first. No…it wasn’t a big deal. They weren’t filthy. Granted, he’d been wearing them since yesterday morning, had fucked Erin wearing them, had slept in them…but it would have to wait. He’d been putting this off his entire adult life and it was time to be done with it. He clenched his jaw as his hand wrapped around the doorknob.
His mother was wearing a straw hat much like she had the other day when he’d been watching her weed the flower bed in the front. He walked toward where she sat—on a small stool in her vegetable garden, thinning out carrot plants, it looked like. He didn’t say a word, just walked over to where she sat until she noticed him out of the corner of her eye.
It was then that, much as he’d tried to fool himself over the years, he realized that his father and mother were of the same mind. She did not look pleased. “I suppose you spent the night with Ms. Lancaster again…”
He felt the smirk cross his face, and part of him wished he could tell her that he had kept Erin up all night screaming his name. But he’d never been a good liar. “No, mom, actually, I didn’t.” If she’d had a spy, though, she would know his car had been there all night long. And he couldn’t resist. “Don’t think I didn’t want to.”
“What is it about the girls, Riley? Don’t you have all that sowing-your-wild-oats behavior out of your system yet?”
He let out a long breath and sat down on his haunches. He didn’t want to play the standing tall, intimidating act with his mother. “I do, mom, and—for the first time in forever—I’ve found a girl I…I care about…”
His mother dropped her hands to her lap and looked Riley squarely in the eye. “You really care about this English teacher?”
“Yeah…”
She cleared her throat. “Then you should walk away.”
“What? That makes no sense.”
“No…it makes perfect sense.” She pulled her gloves off and set them in her lap. “You’ll ruin her life.”
He kept himself in check. He knew he was on the verge of dropping several F-bombs, and if he did, his mom would tune out anything else he had to say. It was uncivilized, barbarian language, he’d heard her say more than once, and if I thought cavemen had anything important to contribute to the conversation, I might listen to their crude words. So he’d have to say what was on his mind calmly and without any expletives. “What makes you think I’ll ruin her life, mom? I’m not a bad guy.” How many times had he had to say that this week, and had he really convinced anyone? He didn’t think he’d even convinced himself.
“I know you’re not a bad guy, Riley. You’re my sweet boy. But try to step outside yourself for a few moments…you’re an unstable musician. You—”
“Unstable?”
“Yes. Unstable. Do you work a steady job?”
“No, but—”
“Do you have regular paychecks?”
“Well, yeah, sorta…”
“Do you work fifty weeks a year and take carefully planned vacations the other two?”
“Jesus, mom, are you telling me this is the kind of…crap women want?”
“I’m telling you women want a man who can not only provide for them but also be a stable fixture in their life. Yes, Riley, I know you make plenty of money, but your life is not stable by any means. You tour every couple of years for months on end…you have fights with your band mates and consequently lose your best friends�
��.” That was a low blow. Before he could even counter her, she said, “And the drugs. No woman is going to want you when you have your addictions.”
Inside, he was seething, but he didn’t trust himself to say anything. What was worse was he’d always considered his mother to be the more moderate parent. She was the one who could calm down both him and his dad and make them see that they were both being extreme, that there was a middle where they could meet and agree. So…if his mother felt this way, how the fuck did his dad feel? He didn’t think he wanted to know. And the teenage rebel in him flared up, angry as fuck. It was all Riley could do to swallow him down and make him shut the hell up. He took a deep breath and said, “I disagree…and I intend to find out for myself. Maybe someday you and dad will just accept me for who I am. Until then…” He stood up and took a deep breath. His mom started to speak but he said, “I’ll be packing my stuff and staying at a hotel. I’ll be over on Saturday to see Brian.”
His mother stood, holding her gloves in her hand. “Riley!”
The look on her face, one that was almost forlorn, made him feel guilty, but he had to go. He’d had enough hurt this week to last him a long time. And, with that knowledge, it shouldn’t have surprised him how badly he’d been wanting a drink, considering the emotional turmoil he’d been experiencing. First, Erin…a girl who made him feel things he’d never expected to feel again…then his parents who managed to make him feel like a kid again. His heart couldn’t take it. By the time he reached the back door, he turned to see his mother walking toward him. “I love you, mom, but I gotta go.” He strode through the house, bounding up the stairs, and grabbed the few supplies he had out of the bathroom and threw them in his suitcase. There were a couple of things on the dresser as well that he tossed in.
He noticed the lid of the suitcase was propped open against the back of the chair it was resting on. He supposed he’d left it open the last time he’d been in it. He’d been sloppy. He must have just left the weed out where his mom found it. She hadn’t had to go digging. And that revelation made him realize one thing—she was just worried about him. Like a lot of people of her generation, she might have understood that pot was probably one of the most demonized, least harmful drugs out there, but she was against it as a matter of principle. Riley couldn’t deny that it wasn’t necessarily a good thing. As much as he knew it had helped him with a lot of negative emotions (anxiety, anger, jealousy, rage), he also knew it tended to make him lazy, lethargic, and uncaring. He knew he didn’t want to be that way either. He wanted to live life to its fullest…he wanted to be alive. He knew that after his workout this morning. But right now he also needed his parents to respect his decisions, no matter what those decisions were, and they weren’t. They were still treating him like an infant.
He pulled the zipper around the luggage until it was shut, then grabbed the handle and tugged it down off the chair. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, his mom stood in the doorway to the kitchen. “Riley, please…you don’t have to go. Your father and I love you, son. We worry about you.”
He sighed. “I know, mom. I just…need a little time to myself.” He kissed her on the cheek and walked out the door, grateful for the warm sun beating down on his shoulders. Everything was going to be okay. He just needed to find a way to cope with it all.
Chapter Thirty-two
ERIN HAD BEEN tense all day…and tired. But she also felt giddy and happy. She wouldn’t know for certain until Riley got to her apartment and they could talk, but she got the feeling from their conversation this morning that his feelings were growing as much as hers had.
And how the hell had that happened? Yes, she’d allowed herself to indulge the fangirl in herself and she’d been okay with that. She’d even decided she’d enjoy a rock star fuck, because she knew she’d never have that opportunity again, especially considering where she lived and what she did for a living. But she thought she’d shielded her heart, her tender emotions, because she’d vowed to never allow herself to be vulnerable again.
Well, so much for that. Somehow Riley Schultz had captured her heart and there was no extricating it from his grip. Not without getting hurt, at least.
She decided she’d live with it. At least he seemed to be as heavily invested in their…relationship (oh, God, that’s what it was!) as she was. That made it a little easier to proceed.
Erin was grading some papers at her desk, having finished prepping for tomorrow’s classes. Friday was her favorite day of the school week, and not just because it was the last day of the week. She tried to plan fun activities for that day of the week and she often had students present projects on Fridays, so it was usually a lighter work day for her as well. Tomorrow would be no different. They were going to play a game she’d created a few years ago, a game she called Literature Trivia. She would take all the literature they had read that school year, along with stories they should have read in their past English classes, and create trivia questions of varying degrees of difficulty. Some of the students didn’t like the game but most of them enjoyed it, especially because they could play in teams (it didn’t hurt that she also brought popcorn and Chex Mix for a fun game atmosphere). She’d divide the classroom into four or five groups of students, and usually at least one student in the group would be able to come up with some of the answers.
But…in order to make Friday really enjoyable, she’d have to grade a lot more papers. She wanted her students to know how they’d done on their last essays before the weekend, and she only had a few left. Before she was done, though, she heard a light rap on the door to the hallway. It had been propped open, but apparently someone felt hesitant about entering.
She looked up to find a junior cheerleader, a short redhead named Kendra. Erin knew, having looked at next year’s schedule, that Kendra had signed up for her Honors English class next year, so she thought maybe the girl wanted to discuss what she’d need to know. She’d never taken one of Erin’s classes before. Maybe she was having doubts. But the girl looked too worried to be thinking about fall classes. Erin said, “Yes, Kendra?”
“Ms. Lancaster, can I…uh…talk to you for a few minutes?”
She nodded and set her pen down. “Yes, sure. Come on in.” She stood up and pulled a small chair out of the corner, bringing it close to her desk.
Before entering the room all the way, the young woman asked, “Can I close the door?”
“Certainly.” Okay, something was seriously bothering the girl. When Kendra walked in, Erin indicated the empty chair next to her desk. Once the girl sat down, Erin asked, “What can I help you with, Kendra?”
The young woman was biting her lip. She walked in and sat in the chair. “I wasn’t sure who to talk to.”
“Anything you tell me, I’ll keep to myself.” She raised her eyebrows. “Well, I shouldn’t make promises I can’t keep. If you’ve killed someone, I’ll have to tell the cops.”
Kendra smiled. The joke had had the effect Erin had hoped. It broke the ice and made Kendra feel a little more comfortable. “No, I haven’t gone on any kind of killing spree, Ms. Lancaster. I just…need someone to talk to.”
Erin knew that feeling. Thank God for Jax. She wouldn’t know what to do without her. But she knew Kendra had some good friends on the cheer squad, so she did find it odd that the girl wanted to talk with a teacher. But maybe it was about her friends. She just nodded and said, “I’m happy to listen.”
“Well, uh…you know my boyfriend is Tim Cleaver, right?”
No, Erin hadn’t actually known that, but Tim was a football player/ basketball player/ baseball pitcher. Of course, he had a cheerleader girlfriend. If Erin wasn’t mistaken, he was going to be graduating this year. Maybe Kendra was upset that she was going to be without a boyfriend next year. Erin simply nodded and kept her lips sealed. Kendra would talk when she was ready.
“Yeah, well…you know prom was last month…” Erin nodded again. The girl was circling, getting ready to land. “And, well…Tim’s pressuring m
e to have sex.”
Whew. She’d been expecting the girl to say she was pregnant or something. She felt relieved that this was a preemptive strike. But she wasn’t talking anymore. “Well, there’s no need to give in to pressure. You can say no.”
“Yeah, I know that. Tim’s pretty cool about it. It’s Brenda and Rainy who are being total bitches about it.”
Erin blinked. Yes, she remembered having quite a potty mouth when she was in high school (and, frankly, not much had changed—she was just better about hiding it nowadays), but she didn’t think she’d ever cursed in front of a teacher before. Still, the girl was being honest and not pulling punches. “Uh…what are they doing exactly?”
Kendra swallowed. “They’re…um…telling me I’m not a real woman, not a real cheerleader, because I’m a virgin.”
Erin patted the girl’s hand. It felt awkward after she’d done it, but it had been a natural impulse. “Don’t worry about what they think. What do you want?”
The girl took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m not ready. I mean…I really like Tim. I really, really like him and when I’m ready, I want it to be him. But…I’m nowhere near ready. I’m not even on the pill or anything.”
“Then you can just tell the other girls that what happens between you and Tim is private. Sure, they’re going to assume you’re still a virgin, but who cares? You won’t necessarily want to tell them once you’ve consummated that relationship anyway.”
She nodded. “That’s true. In fact, the only person I ever want to tell about that is Pam, my best friend.”
Oh, that’s right. Erin knew Pam. Pam was also a junior, a young woman who’d taken English classes with her for two years, a fairly smart girl. A girl like Pam would help keep Kendra grounded. “Then she’s the only one you should tell. Don’t worry about what cheerleaders like Brenda and Rainy think. They just feel better about themselves by pushing you and the other girls around. But they’ll stop once they see you’re not just caving.”
Dirty Boys: Bad Boy Rock Star Romance Box Set Page 65